I am a submissive woman, married to my Dominant. We practice 24/7 lifestyle D/s.

[BellaDelBosco]

A fellow mumsnetter suggested it would be interesting for me to post an AMA and here I am.

I ran a search in previous AMAs and I believe this subject has not been tackled. There was a previous thread from a male submissive and a tradwife but I do not think there is one written by a submissive woman. I mean, there was a poor masochist sub who tried to start a conversation but did not quite go to plan and she did not come back on the thread. I hope this attempt will generate an interesting discussion and I'll be able to dispel some myths.

The context: I have been married to my Dominant for over twenty years and we are still very very much in love, in fact we are totally enthralled by each other. We met in an unusual setting but not specifically BDSM-oriented. I had previous experience and it was I who suggested this setup, which was really clarifying and expressing a dynamic already present in our relationship. We had couple counselling, read books and we still work at our relationship every day.

Why this could be interesting: BDSM references are more and more present, in TV programs and social media. There are whole series dedicated to it (Netflix Bonding) It's relatively easy to gather experiences from professionals in the field, esp. Dominants, but to hear the true voices of people who have made this as a lifestyle choice throughout the years it is harder. There are also false narratives of BDSM that are portrayed by erotic literature but, again, the lived experience of real life couples is different. My life is very similar to an ordinary life in many ways but it has also some not ordinary aspects, that I am willing to open up.

My boundaries: this is what we call a 'hard limit': I am going to respond to questions related to sexual habits only in a very broad, general way as 1. this is not the place and 2. it is mainly a relationship style, and it is a spiritual relationship, the sexual aspect is a byproduct and a means of communication of other aspects. I am also not going to respond to DMs. If you have questions please ask on the thread. Finally, another point of interesting discussion could be how this lifestyle has brought us to be still so happy together through the decades when many marriages and in divorce within a few years.

The timings: I live a structured, busy life so please do not be alarmed if I'm not responding immediately.

edited as I caught a typo.

Do you have children?

What happens if you think 'fuck it, I really want to sit on the sofa'? What happens when you are ill and unable to provide acts of service - does he look after you?

'I sit on a cushion on the floor and not on the sofa, I cook every night and try to put as many Act of Service in the day as I can;'

How does this enhance your life? Is there a kid witnessing this?

You sit on a cushion 😂

what happens if you object to something or don’t want to do something he has told you to do?

Do you know why you enjoy being submissive?

Note: so many questions - I was not expecting such interest.

Thank you all so much for the opportunity to explain/tell. Ultimately we all live to make connections with fellow humans, so I am really grateful that y'all want to communicate with me. I will answer to you all but please excuse me if it takes me a little while as I want to do it thoroughly and thoughtfully.

I'm not absolutely clear about your relationship. I started reading thinking this was a tradwife set-up, but it seems to be more of a BDSM thing? That spills over into general life? What would you say is the difference?

You lost me at sitting on a cushion rather than the sofa. 😂

Please, please say you don’t have children.

Do you live in a southern American state?

Well having spent 20 years working supporting people going through domestic violence and abuse this is a horrible read. Life is short don't waste it living like this. Women have spent centuries trying to escape this bollocks.

Would you consider yourself a feminist? Do you hold any strong views on women's rights and equity in society?

I'm asking because I am a feminist but on a personal level, I'm quite a quiet submissive person who presents very feminine, and being completely candid my fantasies involve submission.

I don't understand why I am like this or where it comes from and I was wondering if you had a better understanding of yourself and could maybe share your perspective?

I get this within the boundaries of a sexual relationship, it's not for me but horses for courses etc.

But I struggle to see how you can have an authentic life with your partner, if you are essentially playing a role the whole time. You seem to have a work persona which isn't submissive (managerial etc), so it's not like this is just your nature or personality. Who is the 'real' you?

It is up to individuals to decide how they want to live although it is most definitely not for me. However, health related things in a relationship can strike out of the blue. How do you think either of you would cope with a scenario where the "dominant" person was utterly dependent on the other for help with all aspects of daily life? I can't see how it would work and this stuff can and does happen.

Irl this would be regarded as a controlling relationship. It may suit you OP, but I can't imagine many women would choose to live like this.

Do you not feel like you're acting all the time, playing a role rather than living naturally? And as a capable, professional woman, do you have no misgivings about a man who wants his partner to kowtow to him and stay off the furniture?

This is horrible to read, I really hope you're not genuinely living like this OP

Has there been some trauma or weirdness in both of your childhoods? Or are you fanatically religious?

I struggle to think how anyone could possibly want to live this odd way where you’re role playing without having suffered some sort of psychological damage in the past.

I like the subversion of it all. We both have always been fascinated by philosophers who study power relations, such as Foucault for instance, and the fact of living our own little social experiment in our house makes us happy.

I do agree with this and echo the questions of how it works out of the bedroom.

I would find it cringeworthy to be playing an externally determined"role" in a relationship as opposed to just being myself. Do you have to plan out how you act and behave every day?

I'm not calling you cringe btw OP, just sharing my personal perspective

I'm interested in respect. By sitting back and letting you serve him, do you think your husband is showing respect? By allowing your wants to be subsumed and deliberately making yourself uncomfortable eg the cushion, are you showing yourself respect?

Genuine question - is it abuse or control if she has consented enjoys it ?

Was this a relationship dynamic that you were exposed to while growing up?

@Hermittrismegistus (love the name), not really, this is who we are, we may do stuff that is more 'normal' but the dynamic is always there. What we tell each other is certainly not vanilla.

Interesting.

What jobs do you both do? And where do you live - UK or somewhere else?