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AMA
Original poster

I'm a tradwife AMA

288 replies

Loopyloooooo · 30/12/2023 00:14

I'm a "tradwife" aka a traditional housewife. Not sure anyone would be interested but AMA if you are...

Married for 15 years, 3 DC aged 13-7. I would describe myself as a housewife rather than as a SAHM and yes DH rules the roost.

OP posts:
Needsomesupport84 · 30/12/2023 15:06

Uricon2 · 30/12/2023 14:59

I LOVED Little House on the Prairie! Actually, Ma and Pa Ingalls seemed to have a very happy marriage and she was no doormat or lacking a mind of her own. I doubt many women in those (hard) circumstances were, whatever the nutso religious Right who promote the "real" tradwife ideology would have you believe.

In the tv show? In real life there is some quite dark stuff that doesn’t make it into the books, including the family having to do a runner in the middle of the night because Pa had racked up debts that he couldn’t pay. She was also dumped in the middle of nowhere on illegally occupied land in a cabin with no windows and three young kids so that her selfish DH could live the dream. I think she did her best but i dont think any of the instagram idiots would last a day living that life.

thegreylady · 30/12/2023 15:06

If you are happy and not abused or controlled then it is no one’s business or interest of anyone’s but yourself and your husband. Make sure your children know that they always have choices in relationships.

Rockrobon · 30/12/2023 15:09

You just sound like a stay at home mum 🤷‍♀️

Bernieee · 30/12/2023 15:10

As an aspiring trad wife - how did you find a guy that was interested in being a trad husband?

VictoriasSponges · 30/12/2023 15:11

why are you posting in the middle of the night almost (in the UK.)

Are you not in bed with your H performing TRAD wife duties?

Blinkityblonk · 30/12/2023 15:15

I'm puzzled by this, I though tradwife was a bit more submissive, not just a stay at home mum?

thewooster · 30/12/2023 15:15

Fair enough if that's how you want to live your life but sounds more like a SAHM than a tradwife.

Have you discussed what happens if DH falls ill and can no longer be the money maker and rule rooster, would he be happy for you to go back into your career, make all the money and the decisions?

Because life can change in an instance. He can get ill, or lose his job or run off with another and you need to protect yourself. So long as that's all been considered, I wish you well.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/12/2023 15:15

Needsomesupport84 · 30/12/2023 15:06

In the tv show? In real life there is some quite dark stuff that doesn’t make it into the books, including the family having to do a runner in the middle of the night because Pa had racked up debts that he couldn’t pay. She was also dumped in the middle of nowhere on illegally occupied land in a cabin with no windows and three young kids so that her selfish DH could live the dream. I think she did her best but i dont think any of the instagram idiots would last a day living that life.

Show quote history

Am assuming you have read it, but for anyone who hasn’t; Caroline Fraser’s ‘Prairie Fires’ is an excellent biography of the Ingalls family and in particular the harsh realities of women’s lives as pioneer settlers. It must have been terrifying at times for Caroline Ingalls, being dragged across what was then Native American territory with little protection and entirely reliant on her husband’s decision-making. Latterly it’s been suggested that Charles Ingalls may have had bipolar disorder, which accounts for his often erratic behaviour and impulses.

LadureePalette · 30/12/2023 15:16

It's very much your choice but the "DH rules the roost" bit makes me personally feel a bit uncomfortable. I have a very high flying career and also took seven years off when my DC were little. DH was great, said it was my choice (yes, lucky we did have a choice) but if he had ever made me feel that he was "ruling the roost" because at that time I wasn't contributing financially I would have been back to work in a flash.

cansu · 30/12/2023 15:19

What does 'rules the roost' mean? Why do you think this is important? Why is it better for him to make decisions rather than you?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/12/2023 15:21

Do you not worry about the impact on your children?

Newsenmum · 30/12/2023 15:22

Op if what the other posters are saying is true, why not be honest and say your situation? It’s much more remarkable and you clearly have a hard job! You’re going through a lot.
Why degrade yourself by saying you’re a tradwife?

willWillSmithsmith · 30/12/2023 15:22

What’s the difference between being a SAHM and a trad wife?

Uricon2 · 30/12/2023 15:24

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/12/2023 15:15

Am assuming you have read it, but for anyone who hasn’t; Caroline Fraser’s ‘Prairie Fires’ is an excellent biography of the Ingalls family and in particular the harsh realities of women’s lives as pioneer settlers. It must have been terrifying at times for Caroline Ingalls, being dragged across what was then Native American territory with little protection and entirely reliant on her husband’s decision-making. Latterly it’s been suggested that Charles Ingalls may have had bipolar disorder, which accounts for his often erratic behaviour and impulses.

Edited
Show quote history

Thank you, I will read that. I was very much thinking of the TV show as I saw that in childhood, but having reread the books as an adult quite agree that Charles Ingalls would have been a great trial to be married to a lot of the time. He had some good qualities but was in no way as wise and wonderful as TV Pa.

Peeeas · 30/12/2023 15:26

NonPlayerCharacter · 30/12/2023 14:24

A woman who works when she is married with kids, will be no better off than a woman who stayed at home! Especially as in real life - and not on mumsnet - most women have basic, minimum pay jobs!

Is this true? I'm not doing the six-figure or six-figure-DH thing but...are both these assertions true?

It's certainly not universally true! I'm a lawyer, I earn more than my husband. If anyone was giving up work to start home it would be him (out of financial necessity). I have many female colleagues who are the higher earner in their relationships.

confusedaboutclothes · 30/12/2023 15:27

Some of these questions honestly 😂
Why do MN users find it so hard to believe that someone could actually be happy in this situation?

Why wouldn’t her husband respect her if she covers absolutely everything at home and looks after the children so he can cover everything financial?

Uricon2 · 30/12/2023 15:28

Anyway OP, I haven't read your previous threads but it sounds like your life has real challenges and I don't think you should mask that with a rose tinted view of your situation, it does you a disservice. No one should "rule the roost" in a partnership.

LoreleiG · 30/12/2023 15:30

Hmm, I am going off Pa Ingalls, the not Michael Landon version. I will check out that biography. Sounds really interesting.

TerfTalking · 30/12/2023 15:32

Looks like we couldn’t ask anything after all.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2023 15:33

Peeeas · 30/12/2023 15:26

It's certainly not universally true! I'm a lawyer, I earn more than my husband. If anyone was giving up work to start home it would be him (out of financial necessity). I have many female colleagues who are the higher earner in their relationships.

Show quote history

I earn more than my husband too.

WestwardHo1 · 30/12/2023 15:39

What do you plan on doing when your children are old enough to be more independent?

(sorry, someone might have asked that)

CopalAzur · 30/12/2023 15:40

confusedaboutclothes · 30/12/2023 15:27

Some of these questions honestly 😂
Why do MN users find it so hard to believe that someone could actually be happy in this situation?

Why wouldn’t her husband respect her if she covers absolutely everything at home and looks after the children so he can cover everything financial?

Adults giving up sovereignty of self is sometimes a kink, or sometimes speaks to issues, or can be about coercion?

Readyforrespite · 30/12/2023 15:40

Do you have a parent/child relationship with your DH? Do your DC know that your DH 'rules the roost'? Why do you feel that another adult needs to take charge of your life? Do you worry how your example could affect your DC' future relationships?

HappyBusman · 30/12/2023 15:47

Uricon2 · 30/12/2023 15:28

Anyway OP, I haven't read your previous threads but it sounds like your life has real challenges and I don't think you should mask that with a rose tinted view of your situation, it does you a disservice. No one should "rule the roost" in a partnership.

Exactly. I remember the OP’s name from another thread (maybe one about someone stealing your car, and what they would get as contents?) and I remember her response because it said something along the lines of a wheelchair, maybe more than one, incontinence pads and a restraint harness, and I thought that sounded like a lot to deal with.

So pretending that being a SAHP because of significantly disabled children is some kind of dimwit reactionary kink? Honestly, OP, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

theduchessofspork · 30/12/2023 15:59

ScrollingLeaves · 30/12/2023 14:14

Whether ‘trad wife’ or SAHM’,
I cannot believe how people think that not going out to work would mean a woman has nothing to think about or talk about! A limited world!

Maybe it is the opposite because of having time to read, think, listen to news, and possibly go out to see people or museums etc. Not to say, a woman in this position may also be very creative, knitting, sewing doing upholstery to a virtually professional standard; or writing or collecting information for the family history, for example.

They could have a very active, communicative, social life; or be contributing to a wider community in some way.

On the other hand, getting up, getting children’s breakfast and packed lunch, getting home at six with tired hungry children who have homework, being exhausted, cooking cleaning and dropping into bed wiped-out may make for quite a limited world too -necessary though it might be for financial reasons.

Show quote history

I know plenty of SAHM and all of them were/are too busy to ‘do upholstery to a high standard’ or ‘collect information for family history’, both of which FYI, if they aren’t your actual job, do tend to be retirement hobbies.

Anyway, I get the impression you don’t know what a tradwife is anymore than the OP does.