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AMA

I'm a tradwife AMA

288 replies

Loopyloooooo · 30/12/2023 00:14

I'm a "tradwife" aka a traditional housewife. Not sure anyone would be interested but AMA if you are...

Married for 15 years, 3 DC aged 13-7. I would describe myself as a housewife rather than as a SAHM and yes DH rules the roost.

OP posts:
Latewinter · 30/12/2023 16:01

Malarandras · 30/12/2023 00:26

How do you have a ‘career’ you can fall back on when you haven’t done it in years though? No professional job works like that, things change, skills change and yours get out of date. New people with up-to-date skills get the jobs. I think you are fooling yourself slightly there.

Here’s the thing OP, life throws all sorts of nonsense at you and does so unexpectedly. I went from being married with two kids to being a widow at 36 with 2 kids in the space of 3 weeks. If your husband dies suddenly what then? Can you stand on your own two feet - and I am not just taking money here. Who are you without him, do you know?

It's as silly to think a woman won't know who she is without a job as without a husband.

porridgeisbae · 30/12/2023 16:02

@Loopyloooooo Do you let him have sex with you whether you're in the mood or not? (which was usually traditionally part of a woman's 'duties' in marriage.) I would hate that.

Latewinter · 30/12/2023 16:03

Uricon2 · 30/12/2023 15:24

Thank you, I will read that. I was very much thinking of the TV show as I saw that in childhood, but having reread the books as an adult quite agree that Charles Ingalls would have been a great trial to be married to a lot of the time. He had some good qualities but was in no way as wise and wonderful as TV Pa.

Laura Ingall's books are not an accurate portrayal either. She readily admitted to having changed a good deal, and that her portrayal of her father was "the Pa she wanted", not the one she actually had.

zendeveloper · 30/12/2023 16:07

I was under an impression that a tradwife is more of a American bible belt suburban phenomenon - someone who married as a virgin at 18, had a couple of kids and never has set a foot out of the door unless it is to spend time with other women as a part of a community circle / church. Having a high flying career in the past does not quite ring true.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans · 30/12/2023 16:13

My guess is that the OP is in Australia or something & is currently in bed.

EarthSight · 30/12/2023 16:17

DH rules the roost

Being a stay at home mum is one thing, but this statement stands out.

Do you find being infantilised appealing? Or a turn on? Do you not want a mutual partnership?? Do you equate dominance & control with love and security?

nosleepforme · 30/12/2023 16:20

What makes someone a trad wife? As in what conditions must be met?
the fact that you don’t work? Just wondering- I work (for myself, from home, but not when dh is home or wfh) so does that make me not a trad wife?

Luddite26 · 30/12/2023 16:22

I had a friend who didn't do paid work after marriage they had 2 daughters. I asked her if she could help me with some cleaning jobs for a couple of months and she was so happy to be able to buy her husband a present with money that he hadn't earned! I thought that gave a bit away. Her husband was on a heap of money but deep down she felt unworthy.
Used to say things like I've managed to get A out on his bike today! Well I'm sure he could have got out on it by himself but she had to build up her achievements.
Then I know another lady who left her career when her DD was born. She has had a role created by her husband's parents' business so she earns on paper but to me seems at the beck and call of family ensuring everything is done to the family standards and I wonder what her parents think about why they paid for her education for it not to be used. Her true potential is not getting explored. Sometimes I feel sad for her it seems her wants are in the back burner.
Is your true potential getting explored OP?

doggiedoodah · 30/12/2023 16:28

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans · 30/12/2023 16:13

My guess is that the OP is in Australia or something & is currently in bed.

That or she was on the nectar last night 🙄

TTC89Njna · 30/12/2023 16:28

You're not a tradwife. You're just an average SAHM.

porridgeisbae · 30/12/2023 16:36

You're not a tradwife. You're just an average SAHM.

I think the difference is how much a woman not only looks after the kids, but also caters to her husband. And not necessarily expecting to divide everyday chores.

I was under an impression that a tradwife is more of a American bible belt suburban phenomenon - someone who married as a virgin at 18, had a couple of kids and never has set a foot out of the door unless it is to spend time with other women as a part of a community circle / church. Having a high flying career in the past does not quite ring true.

It's become more popular now amongst a range of women, due to being publicised more online etc. The person can have previously had a career, it's trad wife i.e. a married woman takes on this role, even if she hadn't before marriage, or hadn't earlier in the marriage.

Artichokepiglet · 30/12/2023 16:39

Have you learned any new skills since you decided to be a full time homemaker and, if so, what are they? I ask because I made the decision out of necessity but have found that I've gained lots of practical skills that are saving us money. I would never have had the time if I was still working.

VolvoFan · 30/12/2023 16:41

I'm jealous. I hate my situation. I want to raise kids, but no, instead I'm in a 9-5 and am struggling to have children (4 losses including an MMC). More power to you, OP xx

TooOldForThisNonsense · 30/12/2023 16:43

Why do you let some bloke “rule the roost” ?

do you really think any career will “bite your hand off” after over 15 years away if you get divorced?

Are your parents disappointed? I know mine would be if I gave up my education and career

AnonnyMouseDave · 30/12/2023 16:48

(1) I'm a "tradwife" aka a traditional housewife.

What does the trad bit mean other than see (3)?

(2) I would describe myself as a housewife rather than as a SAHM

If you are a SAHM who lives in a house and is married then this seems reasonable, but why does it matter and why do you prefer "housewife"?

(3) DH rules the roost.

Why the fuck do either of you rule the roost? Surely marriage is a partnership not a owner / slave type affair, given we are in the 21st century? Surely marriages being partnerships is something that goes back thousands of years (even in if many cultures and at many times society has been patriarchal and left women as the second class citizens that you seem to believe them to be)?

zendeveloper · 30/12/2023 16:52

porridgeisbae · 30/12/2023 16:36

You're not a tradwife. You're just an average SAHM.

I think the difference is how much a woman not only looks after the kids, but also caters to her husband. And not necessarily expecting to divide everyday chores.

I was under an impression that a tradwife is more of a American bible belt suburban phenomenon - someone who married as a virgin at 18, had a couple of kids and never has set a foot out of the door unless it is to spend time with other women as a part of a community circle / church. Having a high flying career in the past does not quite ring true.

It's become more popular now amongst a range of women, due to being publicised more online etc. The person can have previously had a career, it's trad wife i.e. a married woman takes on this role, even if she hadn't before marriage, or hadn't earlier in the marriage.

Edited

Ah I see, thanks for clarifying. I have to live now due to circumstances with a very "trad" man who expects to be catered to almost at a toddler level. Not a husband, it is my dad, and I of course love him, but honestly, this is madness. I can see how people live like that due to cultural restrictions, but a woman consciously choosing this life after she had a taste of independence... I don't know, sounds very unusual to me, I would like to understand better why they are making these choices.

Sallyh87 · 30/12/2023 16:54

Loopyloooooo · 30/12/2023 00:30

Hm well an example from today, I couldn't decide where to go on holiday this year and mulled different options over with DH and he in the end had the final day. This is fine with me, someone has to make a decision eventually and he is paying for it 🤪 (and no he doesn't hold that over me!), far from it actually.

DH keeps an eye on the finances and I get given a set amount every month to cover absolutely everything me and the DC need (and more TBH). However all of our bank accounts, savings etc are in joint names and I know how to access them easily if I would ever need to but we have an understanding that certain accounts are "his" to oversee.

Last night I couldn’t choose between an Indian or chinese takeaway so DH made the decision. Am I a trad wife? 🤔😂

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 30/12/2023 16:54

Don't you worry he could up and leave anytime and leave you with nothing?
Also, the certain accounts that are "his to oversee" would make me uncomfortable

DriftingDora · 30/12/2023 17:05

TheSquareMile · 30/12/2023 13:58

What was your original career and in which way did it make you unwell?

So if your original career made you unwell, OP, how would it be viable to go back to it? That seems a total contradiction, quite apart from the fact that there is no profession that you could walk back into after 13-14 + years without some re-training. So I don't buy that at all.

nameXname · 30/12/2023 17:06

Whatever the OP is, 'tradwife' sounds to me like yet another invented tradition, NOT real history.

In the UK, at least, it's been the 'tradition' for 250 years and more that working class men handed over their paypackets to their wives, to pay for food and other household essentials such as children's clothes. Yes, they might have kept some 'beer money' for themselves, and yes, some men treated their wives unkindly, but on the whole men relied on women to manage the 'family wage'. (There are even mysognistic jokes from the past about this - about men being fearful of taking a miserable wage packet 'home to her' - to a wife who would berate them for being lazy and useless. And the issue of the 'family wage' was one of the reasons why women workers were paid less than men.)

Further back in time, to take just a few examples, poor married women (and children) worked in the fields to earn money for the family- weeding crops, picking fruit etc. Or else they spun thread or knitted stockings. Or worked as carers, cleaners etc. Farmers' wives kept hens and sold eggs and made butter and cheese for sale. Very rich women were married with legal settlements that entitled them to an annual sum of money to spend on themselves as they chose. (This was not equal treatement of course, because their husbands took over any capital assets they had on marriage.) There were alewives and baxters (female bakers). There were married women factory-workers and piece-workers. Famously, in 19th cent Dundee, women went out to work while their 'kettle-boiler' husbands stayed at home, because there was a greater demand for female than for male employees. There were also legal fictions that allowed married women with skills to trade independently, and earn money on their own account.

All this is not to say that women were treated fairly or equally with men - they certainly were not - but a great many wives in the past exercised independence and judgement and managed family spending on a day-to-day basis. And they were not confined to the home.

It's fascinating how people with a present-day ideology so often ignore what actually happened for long periods of the past and invent a 'forever' tradition' to suit their own present-day needs. As a previous poster has said, the tradwife movement sounds like a throwback to specific and fairly short-lived era: 1950s affluent America, when jobs had to be found for returning servicemen and women were encouraged to give up their wartime work and stay at home, and to consume to the domestic products (cookers, fridges, furnishings, clothes etc) made by mass-production factories no longer making planes or armaments, in order to boost the national economy.

Reddog1 · 30/12/2023 17:15

nameXname · 30/12/2023 17:06

Whatever the OP is, 'tradwife' sounds to me like yet another invented tradition, NOT real history.

In the UK, at least, it's been the 'tradition' for 250 years and more that working class men handed over their paypackets to their wives, to pay for food and other household essentials such as children's clothes. Yes, they might have kept some 'beer money' for themselves, and yes, some men treated their wives unkindly, but on the whole men relied on women to manage the 'family wage'. (There are even mysognistic jokes from the past about this - about men being fearful of taking a miserable wage packet 'home to her' - to a wife who would berate them for being lazy and useless. And the issue of the 'family wage' was one of the reasons why women workers were paid less than men.)

Further back in time, to take just a few examples, poor married women (and children) worked in the fields to earn money for the family- weeding crops, picking fruit etc. Or else they spun thread or knitted stockings. Or worked as carers, cleaners etc. Farmers' wives kept hens and sold eggs and made butter and cheese for sale. Very rich women were married with legal settlements that entitled them to an annual sum of money to spend on themselves as they chose. (This was not equal treatement of course, because their husbands took over any capital assets they had on marriage.) There were alewives and baxters (female bakers). There were married women factory-workers and piece-workers. Famously, in 19th cent Dundee, women went out to work while their 'kettle-boiler' husbands stayed at home, because there was a greater demand for female than for male employees. There were also legal fictions that allowed married women with skills to trade independently, and earn money on their own account.

All this is not to say that women were treated fairly or equally with men - they certainly were not - but a great many wives in the past exercised independence and judgement and managed family spending on a day-to-day basis. And they were not confined to the home.

It's fascinating how people with a present-day ideology so often ignore what actually happened for long periods of the past and invent a 'forever' tradition' to suit their own present-day needs. As a previous poster has said, the tradwife movement sounds like a throwback to specific and fairly short-lived era: 1950s affluent America, when jobs had to be found for returning servicemen and women were encouraged to give up their wartime work and stay at home, and to consume to the domestic products (cookers, fridges, furnishings, clothes etc) made by mass-production factories no longer making planes or armaments, in order to boost the national economy.

Really interesting post. Far more interesting than the musings of a SAHM!

idontlikealdi · 30/12/2023 17:23

#tradwife is a mainly religion based ideology and grew out of TikTok in my understanding.

Op is a sahm, not a 'tradwide'.

Stacey Dooley did a very interesting 'sleeps over' episode on tradwives.

cloudteabublecvoe · 30/12/2023 17:23

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/12/2023 13:18

Actually OP I think you’re being very disingenuous with this thread. Your posting history indicates you have two severely disabled children who need full time care, no family support, and you and DH have mused about separation due to the stress of caring for them. I’m not convinced that being a housewife is a choice for you because you love it as much as it’s a necessity because there’s no way you could work with your children having the needs they do.

I really hope you do have some friends, because your life sounds very hard and probably isn’t helped by a husband who seems happy for you to shoulder the majority of the shitwork whilst he “rules the roost.”

Edited

If this is true I feel really sorry for OP.
'Tradwife' is an American TikTok trend and the 'homestead'. With homemade jam/dresses/butter whatever and happy, pretty kids running around is a big part of the image.
No disability involved and certainly no wheelchairs or incontinence pads as other PP have said.

Maybe OP just wants to make herself feel better with her lot in life with this thread but hiding unhappiness is really sad.

FiddleLeaf · 30/12/2023 17:26

Tbh I wouldn’t mind being a trad wife if my OH earnt enough. I’m a homebody and would rather look after him & the future kids than my employer.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2023 17:28

FiddleLeaf · 30/12/2023 17:26

Tbh I wouldn’t mind being a trad wife if my OH earnt enough. I’m a homebody and would rather look after him & the future kids than my employer.

It isn't just about 'looking after' them though, it's also about the man being the boss of the house and making all final decisions.

You wouldn't mind that?