I'm a wedding registrar. AMA

[kardashianklone]

I'm a wedding registrar working across several boroughs. Summer is peak wedding time but we've been busy since coming out of lockdown. I've seen every type of wedding and behaviour you can imagine. Here to help with any questions! AMA!

Id like to hear about the best, worst and oddest weddings please. Also any animals involved in ceremonies?

Is there a dress code that you have to adhere to ?

Has anyone ever objected?

Have you ever identified any illegal marriages (e.g. forced or for visa purposes)?

A dress code for the registrars? Each council/borough will have its own, some are more strict than others. Usually it's smart, jacket/blazer, no open toe shoes. If I'm going to weddings one after the other in the same day I don't have time to change so I would wear a black dress and jacket or black trousers and jacket with a light coloured top. We want to look smart but not hog any attention or limelight.

Can you see when it likely won't work out?

Ooh that's a good one! I'd like to know this too

Is it ever obvious that a couple is making a huge mistake?

Do you have a sense of whether marriages will last?

Yes, usually it's someone thinking it's a funny 'joke' to shout out. The problem is that if anyone objects, it needs to be investigated. So the wedding will be stopped, bride and groom and objector separate and interviewed. The reason needs to be a legal reason such as one of them is committing bigamy, or not who they say they are, or it's a sham marriage etc. The groom shagging the brides sister is not a LEGAL reason. Depending on how long the interviews take, we either restart the ceremony (which messes up timings for caterers and releasing of doves etc) or, if the registrars have another wedding to go to, then the registrars will have to leave and the original wedding will have to be rebooked.

Yes absolutely. But it's not my place to say anything unless I believe the parties are under duress or being forced in some way.

How did you get into it? And who is your employer - Home Office? Local council?

I had a friend who did it and she showed me when they were having a recruitment drive and I applied online. Usually your employer is the local council.

Yes but we always hope for the best! Sometimes we have couples come back a few years later and do vow renewals, so that's nice to see. But yes, there are some tell tale signs, like one of the couples' obvious disdain for the other, or families that hate each other, or attitudes to money, or one party belittling or talking over the other. I did a wedding recently where the groom kept winking at me throughout. Gross.

Do you feel your training is adequate when things change? When we got married the registra told us we didn’t need to buy additional copies of our marriage certificate, she said this because she thought we needed a deedpoll for our name change, when no, we just needed the marriage certificate. We had to show her the gov page on our phone in the end.

I have SO MANY stories! The groom who legged it and got on the nearest bus, the bride who hid a chihuahua under her massive dress and it shat everywhere, the bride who was breast feeding and the baby threw up all over her antique lace dress, the groom who was drunk and started a fight with a pot plant, the bride who tripped on her veil and cut her chin quite badly before she got to the venue and the dress was stained with dry blood, the sheer NUMBER of brides fathers who forget their daughters are wearing huge veils and always manage to stand or trip over them, the couple that tried to tell me they 'didn't need' to do the pre ceremony interview, the groom that told me his signature was the representation of the emotions he feels when he listens to a certain female pop stars music.....

I read of a terrible case recently of a man befriending an elderly woman with dementia and marrying her without her family’s knowledge, so he would inherit her property when she died. IIRC, the poor woman could just about remember her date of birth but not the man’s name - she always called him “laddie”.

Are there any safeguards against this happening?

Yes I know exactly the case you are talking about. My employers are extremely hot on mandatory training and we had predatory training that was based on that exact case. I can't speak for other councils however. We also have a more senior person on duty every day in case we need to check something.

Do you ever correct people when they say they’re getting married at the registry office instead of register office?

Every council does it differently and then just like any job you have people who have been doing it for years, people who are being trained, and people who quite frankly have just stopped learning and are going through the motions and don't keep up to date with latest changes. My personal employers are very good with training and ensuring we all know about changes, but I get the sense that smaller councils with fewer registrars may not be as hot on training and updating. We are tested regularly and have mandatory training I feel confident, but again, it's different across the country.

Ach no 😀 I do correct people who call me a celebrant. Celebrants are completely different as they have NO legal powers. It's just any person saying some words in front of a party. Mostly pointless but I understand why people have a celebrant. Celebrants don't need any training or have any legal involvement.

Realised I didn't answer about the animal! I've had a cat in a specialist transparent backpack, and several dogs as ring bearers, but always check with the venue and some places only allow guide dogs. A couple last weekend turned up with a massive hairy hound and it wasn't allowed in (not a guide dog) so one of the guests had to wait outside for the entire ceremony with the dog.

I've always wondered how much English you have to be able to speak to get married. If someone didn't speak the language is there a chance they could be sort of tricked into getting married?

I'd love to do this.
What qualifications do you need ?
How long is the training ?
Would I incur any expenses becoming qualified ?
Do you also register births and deaths?
In my 50s am I too old ?
Many thanks 😊

So registrars absolutely are trained to make sure that no one is coerced or forced into marriage against their will. Initially, you would have needed to give notice and answer the questions at the time, which would require English, and then on the day of the wedding you would need enough English to answer the pre ceremony questions. Marriage is a verbal contract, so the bride/groom would need enough English to make their vows and declarations. The law also requires that the two witnesses also understand English.