I'm a wedding registrar. AMA

[kardashianklone]

I'm a wedding registrar working across several boroughs. Summer is peak wedding time but we've been busy since coming out of lockdown. I've seen every type of wedding and behaviour you can imagine. Here to help with any questions! AMA!

Do you check in advance how to pronounce names? I have been to so many weddings (and funerals) where names are pronounced wrong. It seems such a basic thing that I can't imagine why it wouldn't be part of the standard process.

Have you ever married a couple on Friday the 13th.

I got married on that date, many moons ago, and we were the only couple in the district married that day.

If you wanted to apply, you would need to see if there are any jobs open at your local council and then apply. There shouldn't be any cost to you other than if you needed to buy smart clothes, I would think. You don't need any specific qualifications but need to be good with people, confident at public speaking and able to undertake training, and commit to certain training dates etc. All the training will be provided on the job, usually, before you 'go live' and start doing it for real. There are two roles that you will be trained in, deputy superintendent registrar is the person who conducts the ceremony, and the deputy registrar who make the legal record of the marriage. Usually, permanent members of staff record deaths and births as well as marriages. Sessional staff work at weekends and mostly just do weddings.

Thank you
Can I ask what the salary is like ?

I personally always double check with the couple on the day as we see their legal names on full but they might want to use a nickname through most of the ceremony. For example a Samantha might want to be addressed as Sam. I sometimes write it phonetically on my script if it's a name I'm not familiar with. We usually have a lot of international couples with names that I might not be familiar with, so I always ask them if I'm saying it right during the pre ceremony interview when I see them for the first time.

Are ‘fake’ marriages in which a U.K. citizen marries a foreigner to enable that person to stay in the country and obtain citizenship a large-scale problem?

What would you do if you suspected that a woman was marrying under duress, or marrying her cousin from ‘back home’?

It's not much tbh! It's usually around the £17 per hour mark but it depends on who you work for. Some councils will pay by hour, some councils will pay per ceremony. Everywhere is different.

I understand there's no legal minimum age for a witness and that it's at the discretion of the registrar, is that correct?

Do you think many would allow a very sensible/mature for her age 12 year old to be a witness?

When I book, Can I ask for a registrar that will?

At what point in the ceremony are the couple actually married, so for example what if one of them gets cold feet after the vows but before signing the register?

Do you have many heterosexual couples having civil partnerships? That's what I'll be doing but when we've spoken for giving notice and booking it, the r sponsor made it seem a bit unusual and more catered to weddings.

I have a question related to my own wedding that I can't seem to get anyone to answer! If you can help I'd be really grateful

When we did the pre questions thet asked if I would be Changing my name, I said I would. On the day nothing at all was mentioned about it and I (stupidly) assumed it would be done because they knew. Anyway we didn't get a marriage certificate so I called and they said I had to buy one. When it arrived my name wasn't changed and I have been told I would now need a deed poll to do that - but can't get the register office to confirm!

Any chance you know the answer?

Also, what percentage of brides / grooms cry?

Have you ever married a couple because one of them was dying?

Are there more couples getting married now who already have babies?

How old was the oldest person you’ve married?

Do people usually renew their vows because one of them cheated?

Thanks so much for doing this. I love a wedding.

@JustALittleHelpPlease - your wedding certificate will always show the surname you went into the marriage with. You then use the marriage certificate to change your name with the bank/passport office/ DVLA etc to the surname of your spouse if that is what you want to do. Not sure why they said you would need a deed poll. At my wedding we had to pay for the wedding certificate copies upfront at the time of paying for the wedding and they made this clear. Might be different elsewhere though.

Have you ever had to disclose something to bride or groom before they were able to marry. I guess I’m thinking along the li Ed of Clare’s law.

have you ever cried at a wedding?

Ah ok thank you @Sapphirejane ! Sadly the certificate thing wasn't mentioned but it was the early days of them being reopened so I think everyone was trying to navigate new rules, one way systems, interviews in the wrong rooms to allow for distance etc etc etc. They were lovely but it was bonkers

So it is at the registrars discretion, what we would usually say that if a child is going to be a witness, we would ask for a third adult witness to also sign. It's generally two, but in this case I would allow it but ask for another adult to witness. You can ask upfront when you give notice and a note should be made on the system that you will be having that.

I haven't no, but that is because I am so focused on what is happening. From my point of view, I am co ordinating the music, the arrival of the bridal /wedding party, checking the room is correctly licensed, making sure there is no alcohol in the room, checking the witnesses know what is expected, checking that people who are giving reading know what they are doing and where they will be standing, checking if my microphone is working, coordinating with venue ushers, checking who as the rings, arranging any extra parts like sand or stone ceremonies, making sure the pace and flow of the wedding is going well, checking the deputy heard the vows correctly, and supervising the couple all the way through. Plus, I've heard the words/music/readings about a million times before, so it's not sentimental. But I still do enjoy it though! I just don't tend to cry as I'm usually thinking about timings so I'm not late for the next wedding I have to do.

I haven't had something like that, but I have had a groom who managed to forget he was previously managed in Las Vegas. It still counted as a legal wedding so he had to go away and get a divorce before we could proceed. He wanted me to tell his bride!

Grooms seem to cry more than brides! I think brides are more concerned that they don't want to disrupt beautiful bridal makeup so tend to hold it together more. I would say if I do 5 weddings in a day, 3 will be emotional. Always carry spare tissues!

You sign with the name you went it with. So if you were born Mary Smith and hadn't changed anything, you are married as Mary Smith and this will be on your marriage certificate. If you were born Mary Smith, got married, changed your name to Mary Jones and then got divorced but kept your married name, you would sign as Mary Jones. The people who process changing your name via deed poll are not connected/linked to the people who marry you. So once you change your name after your marry, it's your responsibility to update those changes.

It is fairly rare, in all my time I've only ever done one. Probably because same sex couples can get married in exactly the same way as heterosexual couples, so there's not really any need for it. However it's personal choice- the ceremonies tend to me a lot quicker and a lot less personal and romantic but more efficient. But if that's what you want, go for it!

Marriage is a VERBAL contract, which means the minute those declarations/vows are out of the mouth, you are married. By the time you come to sign the marriage contract, you are already married. So if you want to back out, ideally do it before the ceremony starts! As the vows/declarations come very very quickly into proceedings. The average ceremony I do is around 15-20 mins -and most of that time is after the verbal contract and taken up with readings, poems and the signing of the marriage certificate.

Deathbed weddings do happen, particularly as a result of covid, so yes, that does happen, usually in the hospice or hospital.

I wouldn't know if a couple has cheated and that's why they are renewing their vows, but that does seem to the general impression that guests have. Guests always seem to forget I'm there and can hear them talking! I personally wouldn't do a vow renewal as it doesn't make you 'more married' but it does mean you pay a lot of money again. It can be a good money maker for the council/ celebrants.

I married a couple in their 90s once, before covid, it was her 5th wedding and his 4th wedding. They'd met years earlier when they were both on partner number 1 but hadn't quite managed to get it together at the time. This time they said they didn't want to waste any more time and got married finally- they were clearly very much in love.