I'm a wedding registrar. AMA

[kardashianklone]

I'm a wedding registrar working across several boroughs. Summer is peak wedding time but we've been busy since coming out of lockdown. I've seen every type of wedding and behaviour you can imagine. Here to help with any questions! AMA!

What an interesting thread!

You must get your fair share of nervous introverts getting married, and those with social phobia and fear of public speaking. I fall into this category and have asked the register office to email me the vows that are legally required to be said, ahead of time.
I’m STILL nervous of the possibility of human error. When do I need to tell the register office my options for the speaking parts? Do I confirm it on the day? I’m absolutely dreading speaking and it doesn’t help that people have told me I don’t have to say anything other than I do - this is not true.
What advice can you give me?
Also, when it comes to the exchange of rings. Are we allowed to do that without speaking?

Lastly, I use a name here that ends with an E, but on my Swedish birth certificate is A. No one knows me here as the name ending with A. It’s such a slight tweak of my name that I almost forget it myself. On my passport it does state A though. Will the A name need to be used in speaking as well as signature?
Also, did I understand you correctly in previous thread replies that I should sign with my new surname if I wish to change my name? I might sign my maiden name by accident if not reminded! 😂

Thank you!

Starting with the legal part first. You will sign with your CURRENT legal name. So the name on your passport, the name that matches any legal paperwork and documents. The name that you walk in with is the name you sign. We can accommodate for other languages and spellings on our computers. For examples umlauts etc.

Coming to the introvert part. First of all, ring exchange is not mandatory. Plenty of couples choose not to exchange rings. If you do want to exchange rings, words must be said, however. But, it is literally one sentence along the lines of "I <name> promise to love and cherish you, comfort and care for you, honour and respect you, for the rest of our lives together, and this is my solemn vow to you," It depends what script you choose, but that's pretty much the standard wording for the ring exchange . The registrar will break down the sentence for you, so you will repeat a couple of words after the registrar at a time. You won't have to memorise it.

Many many people are introverts! Your registrar will be completely fine with it. The only parts you have to say anything for are confirming your name, saying the declaration and making the vows. That's it. Each part you will repeat word for word after the registrar. The registrar does most of the talking during the ceremony.

The only note I would make is when you do speak, you need to be loud enough for the registrars and your witnesses to hear you. If I look at the deputy registrar making the legal record after you have finished speaking and they indicate to me they didn't hear, I will have you repeat it. If this worries you then suggest you consider getting a lapel microphone (not a hand held as you will need to hold bouquets/your partners hands/do the ring exchange/sign the document).

I'm going to be really honest here, when I'm marrying a couple, it's a very intimate moment between me and them and the rest of the guests fade away into the background. You'll be facing the registrar and not the guests, and your world will just be the registrar and your partner. It will just be as though you are speaking to your partner and your friend.

With the new legislation about the names of fathers AND mothers now - should the mother's name be given as her maiden name or married name?

The parents/step parents/adoptive parents names should all be given as their CURRENT legal names, so the names that would be on their passports and other legal documents.

and if they are dead would it be last known name?

My H gave his mother's married name but I gave my mother's maiden name but then I am a genealogist and Scottish. Maiden names are very important in Scotland.

Yup it would be whatever legal name they had when they died and would match their birth certificate. For example it would be KardashianKlone, Registrar (retired) , (deceased).

Assuming I was retired at the time of my death.

So is my marriage certificate wrong then as it was not my mother's name at death?

Hi, OP - when I got married, I remember obsessing about the numbers in the room when I got married. The venue was licenced for 70 guests and I was very worried that people might turn up with un-invited plus-ones, or that the few invitees who didn't respond no matter how much they were chased might turn up on the day anyway. As it was, neither of these things happened, and we were within capacity.

But what would have happened if we weren't? Do you count and stop the ceremony if the number is over licence? Or is it a venue health and safety thing rather than a legal thing?

@RishiRich You will be pleased to know that our ceremony included Star Wars music, only the main theme rather than the imperial march!

Well, it's not that is 'wrong' but the reason we record these details is for family history purposes. So assuming a woman has a 'traditional' preference, her name would be tracked through birth certificate, marriage certificate, name change if she's choosing to take her husbands surname, any subsequent names changes from divorce or remarriage and then death certificate. So if she's recorded on your marriage certificate under her maiden name, which she changed when she got married, then it's obviously going to be a little harder to track, as all other legal paperwork would record her married name, not her maiden name. It's not the end of the world, it'll just be trickier for any future descendants to track her life/death through official paperwork.

The venue capacity is so important. The venue will have room or rooms licenced per room (and paid for per room) under very strict conditions. This will include capacity, and will need to be renewed, usually on a yearly basis. A wedding that exceeds capacity is null and void as it breaches the terms and conditions of the license that room has.

I had a room in a very famous chain of hotels, the room was licensed for 50 people. Instead the venue had crammed in 80 chairs (which looked ridiculous), left no room for the bride and groom, and had not put in a table for the registrar to sit and make the legal record. And it was serving champagne to people before the wedding in the same room. All of this breached the licence. My choice was a) shut down the ceremony there and then or b) give the venue the chance to fix by removing the extra chairs, creating space, putting in a table and removing the alcohol. I chose option b but the venue were, quite frankly, total dicks about it and it became a very close call. I did nearly cancel the wedding. Extra people did turn up and I had to have them stand outside the ceremony room but looking in, I let the double doors be open.

Moral of the story, room capacity is there because it has to adhere to the LEGAL conditions of the license.

Sorry I know this is off topic but I disagree that it is more effective for FH purposes. It is certainly better than it was before in England but in Scotland since 1855 a woman's maiden name is on her Birth and Marriage certificate and her mother's maiden name on her death certificate. Her parents' names and mother in maiden form are on all of these. Anyway, not a question , sorry. You are also able to view Scottish records for a small fee unlike English records. Thanks.

Alrighty, I'm a registrar in England so can only advise on that.

Are there requirements about quality of handwriting at the job interview? Our (deputy?) Registrar's handwriting was absolutely gorgeous. She wrote with a fountain pen too. I don't think people would be too impressed if I filled in their marriage certificates!

Do you also do birth certificates? If so do you sometimes recognise the people you married?

When I interviewed, it was in the days when we still had to fill in the marriage certificates which were then ripped out of the book and given to the couple on the day, a longish greenish paper. These days it's a A4 white piece of paper. But yes, our handwriting was tested and scrutinized and that was an important part.

All registrars will use a fountain pen as we have to use the 'Queen's Ink', which has a small amount of lead in the ink so that it doesn't fade off the paper (in case you've ever wondered how amazing it is that marriage certificates many many decades old are still legible!). It's actually a bit of a bugger to fill the fountain pens with this ink and can be a bit messy- have a look at your registrars finger tips to see if they are stained with the ink! Side note, this ink DOES NOT come out of beautiful wedding dresses.

Sure, if they stay in the borough it's quite possible that the couple you married previously come back to have their babies' birth certificates registered! Unlikely to be the exact same registrar, as it depends on who is working that day, who is on rota for that day, if they are a full time registrar or a sessional.

Personally, once I've married the couple and done the paperwork, their names tend to fly out of my head to make room for the next couple, so I'm sure I've walked past people on the street I've married, but have totally forgotten about. Only if it was a celebrity would I probably remember, just because their name is already 'known'. Awkwardly, I was marrying a couple once and a guest kept staring at me in a weird way. I thought perhaps I'd married him once before or something connected. No. Turned out we both went to the same gym.

Thank you @kardashianklone . I appreciate your detailed response. I really, really wish I felt like this was an intimate moment between my partner and I. Unfortunately the second you put me in a foreign situation where I do not feel completely relaxed and comfortable, I fall to bits. ANY speaking, no matter how small, and I’m a complete complete state. I am absolutely dreading the vows. It’s that feeling of standing in front of people and speaking. I’ve always had a very severe phobia of public speaking. But I’m sure I’m not the only one who has felt like that. It’s absolutely gutting to feel like this about such a special day in my life. 22 years it’s taken me to finally decide to do it and I just cannot wait for the legal part to be over.

Thank you for clarifying the legal bits though, just had to say the above … social phobias are real and they’re incredibly upsetting for those who live with it. 🥲 As it stands we’ve only included two witnesses and our kids. If I could get away with my kids being witnesses I would- apparently they could classify as one witness but we’d still need one other adult present. In the end we invited one parent each as the other two are deceased.
It’s a mental health nightmare for me 😂 but I love the man so I.can.do.this.

Very interesting thread OP

my question is my DM divorced my father and we all took on her maiden name not legally she just changed it on school/hospital etc this was the 80s so not as scrutinised as it would be now .

I got married as “Mary jones” when my legal name was “Mary Smith” how was this allowed I had no legal documentation of being “Mary jones”

is my marriage legal? My brother also did this when he got married a few years later no issues and no documentation
he had to change his name by deed pole to our mothers maiden name as he had issues trying to get a mortgage and other legal things but this was after his marriage

How interesting! I don't have a perfect answer for you, as I wonder if things were a little different back in the day (before my time!) or perhaps it was more lax or the registrars had different requirements, but this is what they would require now if you were giving notice:

Proof of identity
For proof of your identity, we will accept a:
valid passport, OR
full birth certificate - accepted only for British citizens born in the United Kingdom before 1983. If you were born after 1 January 1983 and wish to use your birth certificate, the rules are more complex, contact us to discuss your case, OR
Home Office travel document, OR
certificate of naturalisation or registration from the Home Office confirming that you are a British citizen - you should produce this with a photo ID such as a UK driving license or foreign passport.
Proof of residency
Both of you must have lived in your registration district in England and Wales for at least eight days immediately prior to giving your notices.
For proof of residency, we will accept a:
utility bill dated within three months of giving notice, OR
bank/building society statement/passbook dated within one month of giving notice, OR
internet bank statement - not older than one month and must be endorsed by the bank, OR
credit card statement - not older than one month, OR
council tax bill dated within 12 months of giving notice, OR
mortgage statement dated within 12 months of giving notice, OR
current residential tenancy agreement, OR
full or provisional valid UK driver’s licence.
If you live together, each document can only be used as proof of residence for one individual.
Proof of name change
If you were known by any other name, you will need to provide evidence in the form of a:
change of name deed, OR
statutory declaration of change of name, OR
deed poll document

Wow thanks for the reply, was 22 years ago so not that long in the scheme of things
no idea how I managed to get a passport in my married name either but like you said things must of became a lot more stringent.

the only link to my birth name on my marriage certificate is my fathers name but I have no legal document for the name I married in.

Interesting thread but also makes me feel that I’ll never get married in Britain with all these rules. Not originally British so that’s probably why so much stands out to me :-) For example, what has my father’s and mother’s profession got to do with my getting married? I find it patronising (borderline sexist – presumably x years ago it was only father’s profession that was requested, and they added mother’s to be less offensive?).

And super strict rules on the number of people in the room – other than for fire reasons, why? Not being allowed a glass of champagne in the same room? These rules just seem to be for the sake of it, but not for any sensible reason – have I missed something?

Also very surprised to see that a marriage certificate would list that someone’s been married before. What’s the relevance? Ties in with the British title ’obsession’, kind of ’let’s point out that this person has ”failed” before’.

And the many rules around what music you’re allowed to use and not mentioning God! There are many hymns that are quite un-god-ly. It feels so restrictive. A question to the OP: does all of this make you feel a bit like a ’police officer’ rather than someone who is there to provide a service for a couple on a happy day? Do you think these rules are restrictive and do you discuss amongst colleagues options to make things less restrictive or do you like it the way it is?

What’s the minimum cost to get married? I found that there’s a £35 fee to give notice but then found on an unofficial site that you should expect £1000 for ’paperwork and ceremony’ – sounds insane but presumably not all of it is necessary?

Re Married at first sight: I can confirm that in Denmark and Sweden people absolutely do get legally married (I would assume they also sign a prenuptial agreement so that they’re not forever linked – and yes prenups are 100 % legally binding). In both countries, you can get married anywhere, you don’t have to be a ’licensed venue’, so no issues with strange locations not being legal. There have been ceremonies in hot air balloons, on planes, anywhere you can imagine, and it is very popular to have outdoor weddings in the spring and summer (great to hear that outdoors ceremonies are kind of allowed in some places in England now, but don’t understand the reason why the location matters at all).

In Sweden information about where people live and their marriage status is public knowledge, so very often people watching MAFS will look up the people on the show online and check their marriage status – since the show’s normally aired 6-8 months after being recorded most are already listed as ’not married’ (you’re married or not married, no other categories exist) :-)

(Getting divorced is a one-week procedure that costs about £60-70 to the court. In Denmark you just log on to a web site and tick a box asking for divorce, takes about 30 seconds, that’s it! In Sweden you still have to sign a paper manually ;-) )

I’m fine with the rules, I think people often get caught up in the romance and pretty flowers and forget that you are entering into a legally binding contract with someone that has far reaching consequences. People are also very welcome to get married in a church if they want hymns etc.

The American system of two people and someone who downloaded a certificate online can equal a legally binding marriage terrifies me!

I have no issues with making sure people know it's a legally binding contract - that needs to be done!

My queries relate to non-fire-related numbers of attendees for 'license purposes', policing what words that can be uttered (apart from illegal/immoral ones etc), the need to state your parents' professions (and your own ones actually - why does it matter if I work as a cleaner or a brain surgeon or not at all?), not being allowed a glass of champagne in the same room etc. Many of them seem old-fashioned, sexist and patronising to me.

Its just record keeping information, no one actually checks or cares what your profession is I wouldn’t have thought. I quite enjoy having this info about my ancestors but I guess it is old fashioned. I was very glad they changed the certificates to include mothers as that was just sexism, but the rest I can’t get bothered about. The alcohol one I understand too, want to make sure people are of a clear mind, you wouldn’t drink champagne before a business deal either. Once the signing is over you can drink.