I'm a wedding registrar. AMA

[kardashianklone]

I'm a wedding registrar working across several boroughs. Summer is peak wedding time but we've been busy since coming out of lockdown. I've seen every type of wedding and behaviour you can imagine. Here to help with any questions! AMA!

How interesting! I had a couple a while back who had both had children (young) from previous marriages. They didn't want their kids to know that mum and dad had been previously married, but of course it will show up on the marriage certificate. Years from now, when those kids find that document, there's going to be difficult conversations. And this is how family secrets start! Had a groom who didn't want his bride to know he'd been previously married, of course it was on their marriage certificate. Don't know how he thought he could keep that one secret.

I've listed the questions already in another answer if you'd like to check that out

The father of the bride will not be asked anything, unless he is a witness, and then it will just be his name.

@OooErr

The bride will be asked questions about herself and will answer about herself, the groom will be asked questions about himself and will answer about himself. We aren't trying to trap you, we just want to know that YOU are who YOU say you are

I'm getting married in a couple of weeks. We're not having any readings but songs instead (Just read your comments re that one!!!). I'm confused with how its going to work in terms of order of service. Do we tell them on the day what we want or will they just have a standard order and adapt it?

So most places, will have a few scripts and you can choose the script you like the best. Have a look on their website and they might have the scripts there, or ask your registrar. Your songs will go in the place of the readings.

The usual flow of the ceremony is :

Arrival
Ceremony starts
Intro from registrar
Registrar talks about marriage
Declarations
Reading one
Verbal contract
Reading two
Exchange of rings
Closing
Signing of marriage contract with witnesses
End

that makes sense!
I keep reading ‘funny stories’ on threads where the groom forgot the bride’s details, or vice versa and I was like ???

How often do people come without witnesses or with random witnesses off the street?

It's rare, but it does happen. In which case, it is the couple's responsibility to find witnesses who are adult, speak English and are willing to witness the wedding. No witness = no wedding. A registrar is not allowed to act as a witness. I had one about a month ago, the couple had to find someone off the street, which they did.

Thanks. We've filled a form and picked the words, just wasn't sure if the flow on the day

Can we have our four adult children as witnesses? We would prefer not to have to pick two and leave two out.

Where can you get married if you don't want a religious ceremony or a register office ceremony? Does it have to be a certified place? Not on a beach and not in a garden?

Yup that's fine, just tell the registrars. There's really only space for two, but if you don't mind the certificate looking a bit crowded, they should be able to squeeze 4 in.

In the laws of the country, assuming you are getting married in the UK, it has to be a place licensed and sanctioned for the solemnisation of marriage. This means venues like hotels, some town halls, private members clubs, a stately home open to the public, de -consecrated churches like Fitzrovia Chapel or any other indoor place that has been licensed. If you want an outdoors space it will still need to be partly covered by a structure that has also been licensed, so probably attached to a venue like a hotel. Usually couples will get married inside and then have the party outside of the weather is nice. Depending on which area of the UK you are looking at, the registry office should have a list on their website of which venues you can get married in. When you see people getting married on beaches, it's either fake (meaning they have actually had the legal part somewhere else and are re-enacting it) or it's in another country where laws might be different.

Has anyone ever changed their mind mid ceremony?
Has anyone ever not turned up?
Has anyone ever taken ill during the ceremony?

So many questions!

I've had a couple of people faint during the wedding, usually because of nerves, anxiety, the weather or being in uncomfortable tight clothing. We stop the ceremony, get them water, check if they need medical attention, and once they are feeling better ask them if they want to proceed. If yes, then we restart the ceremony.

I've had a couple of no shows, but they are fairly rare. A colleague had a strange one, a couple gave notice and then the day came and the bride arrived but no groom. We called him and it turned out the couple had broken up a couple of months prior- she'd told him she had cancelled the ceremony, but she didn't. It's more usual that couples will give notice but then not actually book the wedding, rather than not turn up at the wedding.

What is more likely to happen is the couples faff around for so long that the registrars have to leave to get to their next wedding (you only get registrars for an hour and that includes the interviews for both, and the ceremony itself). I have had to leave a wedding because the bride was faffing and she had over run significantly and I had to leave to get to the next wedding. So she didn't get married and had to rebook. If you are the last wedding of the day we don't mind over running too much, but it's not fair to the next couple to be late for them as it has a knock on effect.

Random story, had a bride the other week and she got out of the taxi and somehow ripped her halter deck dress. She had to go down the aisle in her mums white jacket holding the material in place.

Fab stories!
All the weddings I've ever been to have been bog-standard with no drama!

Have you ever refused to conduct a ceremony because someone was too drunk?

So its worth bearing in mind that no alcohol is allowed in the ceremony room, and the couple should not be drinking alcohol before their wedding. If the couple present as drunk, we would be concerned about continuing with the wedding. I don't mind them having a glass of champagne an hour or so before the wedding, but if I see them chugging down pints or shots or lots of drinks, I will want to have a discussion about how sober they are. If I think they are too drunk, I will not continue with the ceremony. I have removed glasses of champagne from grooms in the hour before their wedding and explained why they can not be drinking. Plenty of time for champagne once the legal obligations are done.

When I first started, a colleague told me about a wedding where the groom arrived thoroughly drunk, absolutely reeked of beer- they had a morning wedding booked at the town hall so the registrar was able to tell them to come back later as there was a slot available in the afternoon, with the idea he would drink lots of coffee/water and sober up. Unfortunately, he took the time to drink even more, so when he arrived back in the afternoon, he was unable to get married (as he could barely stand). His bride didn't seem particularly fazed, which suggests this was not an unusual occurrence for her.

Having done more weddings recently here is my top ten list of dos and don'ts:

Don't ask the registrar if you can do the interview after the ceremony. It's a legal requirement and a hard no.

Do think about the location of your wedding and your outfit. It's a shame to see beautiful heels and dresses covered in mud and dirt if you've had to walk outside at all.

Do practice sitting in your dress. It's likely you will need to sit to sign your marriage certificate. On this note, please make sure you wear underwear if it's on the short side. I have seen a surprising amount of unexpected undercarriage.

Don't ask the registrar to hold your miniature tea cup dog in a bag for the duration of the ceremony. Also a hard no.

Don't flirt with your registrar.

Don't be drunk or allude to drinking lots prior to the ceremony. It will make your registrar be suspicious.

Don't be late. Registrars want to start on time as we have other weddings to get to.

Don't make jokes about still be married to your ex. We will take that seriously. Yes, Las Vegas weddings do count.

Don't have religious content in your (non religious) ceremony. Yes this includes hymns, vows and speeches (which we will want to approve in advance). Don't think we don't know how to use google translate.

If you are a lawyer, refrain from telling the registrar that 'you know the law'.

If you are trained to spot sham/illegal marriages why do so many slip through the net resulting in avoidable british passports being handed over to illegals.

Waves to fellow Registrar. Wow, you must work in a busy area, up to 10 weddings a day! I work in a rural backwater and have never done more than 4.

Because essentially "The burden of proof is on the Home Office to prove that the marriage is a sham, as opposed to the couple proving that it is genuine".

Most sham marriages are linked to organised crime, and they are very good at what they do. Feel free to read these:

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/256257/ShammMarriageanddCivil_Partnerships.pdf

immigrationbarrister.co.uk/sham-marriages-marriages-convenience-burden-proof/

vardags.com/law-guide/basic-principles/sham-marriage

I can't speak for every registrar in the UK but I have been trained, and there are processes to go through in case of a suspected sham marriage.

Nice to meet you! Yes I cover two large boroughs

Ooh my 14yo has a question. I was telling her that you're not allowed any religious music in the register office ceremony. Despite having no intention of marrying anyone ever (and no one would have her!), she was quite put out that she wouldn't be able to have Ariana Grande's God is a Woman. 🙄🙄.

So how strict are the rules on music and is it at your discretion or a total blanket ban?

Great question! We are quite strict about it, however the way around it would be to have the instrumental version (no words) playing, if the registrar allows it. If the words are important to her, I'd suggest she has the music after the ceremony and in her celebrations, maybe her first dance? In reality, most venue's 'aisles' are fairly short, so she would only get a few seconds worth of music anyway, if she was thinking of having it as she walked up the aisle. We have music for the entrance, the signing and the exit, and it's usually only a few seconds worth per piece. So if it's a favourite song the save it for after the ceremony and enjoy it in full 😀