I'm a wedding registrar. AMA

[kardashianklone]

I'm a wedding registrar working across several boroughs. Summer is peak wedding time but we've been busy since coming out of lockdown. I've seen every type of wedding and behaviour you can imagine. Here to help with any questions! AMA!

Always had couples with kids getting married, either from previous relationships, widows, blended families, or very pregnant brides. As covid stopped weddings I've had a lot more couples who were child free when they booked for 2020 who now have children. Children and babies always welcome!

Yes it is something we have to be vigilant about and have a lot of training for. Some areas of the UK are worse than others for sham marriages. If that is suspected there are a lot of processes in place that get triggered, particularly if there are safe guarding aspects.

Sure, I'm not bothered about dates. Some couples from certain cultures request auspicious dates when they get married. As long as the venue is available and the registrar is booked, I'll marry you regardless of what the date is! Usually superstition goes out the window if one date is cheaper than another

Why does the registrar have the power to stop a 'sham wedding'? Surely that's what the notice of marriage is for?

I'm a bit peeved that that I have to pay for giving notice (and getting home office approval), and ALSO have a venue booked.
But there's also this level of faff at the actual wedding, r.e. the interviews?

So confused. Why is it so complicated?

*sorry not that I need to oay for the Home Office, but that I still need their approval.
Surely if they do so then it's all 100% above board.

The pre ceremony interview that you do on the day is just to confirm that no details have changed (as they will be recorded on your marriage certificate) and that you are who you say you are. For example once you give notice, it is perfectly possible that you could move house, change your job, or have a parent pass away - all of that is recorded on your certificate. On the day we are double checking that we are marrying the right people, that they understand that marriage is a verbal contract, and at that time we are checking nothing seems 'off'- I.e one party is too drunk to make a decision with sound mind, there's no coercion, there's nothing that raises any red flags. Worst case - I marry a couple and it later turns out that they should not have been married for whatever legal reason- and it goes to court. I am the one that has to stand up in front of the judge and explain why I thought it was ok to marry. If the judge disagrees with me than I receive 5 years in jail. So I am absolutely going to do my job properly!

Thanks for answering.
If you're required to do all that anyway what's the point of giving notice?
Is it a historical holdover?
Also surely whoever accepted the notice should also be prosecuted, not just you :(

@OoeErrr the giving notice is the legal requirement of giving notice of the Intent to marry. This is so that anyone can object, if needed. So if a couple gave notice and it turned out one was committing bigamy, or using a false name, then there is enough time for that to be flagged by the bigamists' spouse. Also as a side note, quite useful as some couples may give notice but never make it down the aisle- almost like a 'cooling off' period where they get to decide whether marriage is right for them. And no, the final responsibility on the day lies with the deputy superintendent registrar who will be marrying you- the person conducting the actual ceremony. The person you give notice to at the register office is unlikely to be the same person who marries you.

Fair enough - thanks!

Do you have additional training around homosexual marriages/civil partnerships? In particular, wording and pronouns?

I went to a wedding very recently and the registrar announced them as Bride and Groom (they were two grooms). The registrar laughed it off as a mistake but i know the couple were quite unhappy.

When we are trained we run through different scenarios including groom/ groom and bride/bride etc. I am not trying to make an excuse but what tends to happen is that you do say, 6 weddings in a day, the first 5 are bride/groom all using the same script, and then you come to the last one and it's groom/groom or bride/bride but you are on autopilot and bride/ groom slips out instead. I understand that can be upsetting but I also understand how it happens- we learn the scripts almost off by heart and they tend to have bride/groom written on them so sometimes the wrong term comes out. I have to over write my scripts as I don't want that to happen. I wouldn't want to upset anyone on their special day, so I am sorry that happened to the couple you mention.

Thank you for this thread @kardashianklone 🙏🏼

I am a secretary for marriages of a synagogue and get asked some of the same questions. Very interested to read your answers.

Not that anyone has asked this , but I can guarantee the weddings you see on to shows like Don't Tell The Bride are absolutely fake. Most of them don't take place in a licensed venue, the never seem to have two registrars present (which is required) and they don't seem to have the pre ceremony interview. I imagine what happens is that they do the legal part either before or after and the programme just shows the ridiculous staged scenarios. But most of the time I doubt that couple walks away an actual legally married couple, which in many of the cases, may be a blessing. But there's no way you can get legally married on a beach, or in the air bungee jumping, for example, as it's not licensed.

@kardashianklone - thank you for this thread, it’s so interesting.

In the same vein as Don’t tell the bride, I assume Married at first sight is fake too?

Have you ever known a registrar be imprisoned for marrying a couple in error?

Do couples ever stand out to you as being really, really in love? Or do they all just merge into one?

Totally fake! The very early ones in the UK were actually legal however, and one of the couples pulled out just before filming, and a production assists was running around trying to find anyone who would stand in! Obviously what with having to give legal notice, they couldn't substitute someone. After that incident, the weddings became completely fake. I'm only referring to the UK shows here, I can't speak for other countries and their laws.

Not quite but a registrar I worked with, had married a very elderly gent to a relatively young woman. He died soon after the wedding and the family contested his will and said the wife shouldn't inherit as he wasn't of sound mind and body and didn't know what he was doing when he married her. The registrar had done her due diligence, checked everything correctly and was happy to marry them. The family took her to court and she was able to show the judge her questions and his answers. It also turned out he knew his family would go after his money and it was one of the reasons he had got married, so his wife would automatically inherit and not them.

Pretty much blends into one homogeneous happy moment really! I tend to remember great outfits (huge trend for brides in trouser suits with jackets that are capes at the moment), bad things that happen (groom forgetting the rings) and bride or groom - Zillas, or nightmare guests. A happy uneventful wedding is the best case scenario!

Also there is no such thing as a 'perfect' wedding. I can guarantee something, whether small or big, will go wrong. The couple may not even know about it, it could be something like one of the guests forgot to do something, or the photographer missed a moment, or the bride forgot her bouquet. Ultimately it really doesn't matter. All you need is two people who want to get married, with two witnesses, and everything else is lovely but unnecessary. I see couples panic because the page boys socks don't match the ushers handkerchief, but really, it isn't important.

Which wedding songs have you heard a million times over?
Which music choices have really surprised you?

Music from Bridgeton, The Beatles, classical pieces- it can be any music but it can't be religious for a registrar officiated wedding, so no hymns. Same with readings, I hear a lot from Winnie The Pooh, various Childrens books, the odd poem. I think quite often couples google 'good wedding readings' as sometimes I'll hear the same at least twice a day. I did once hear that 'woah my sex is on fire' song, which I thought was a bold and surprising choice. I also hear a lot of Ed Sheerhan. Couples always overestimate how much music they need and sometimes get a bit obsessive about the exact second they want to enter in, but it's their day, they can do what they want, within reason. There's a trend at the moment to have someone sing instead of a reading, which is fine if it's a professional but it usually isn't, it's some random cousin who thinks they can sing and it's usually very cringe and out of tune. Not that I would ever say anything, but my heart sinks when the couple announces they want someone to sing instead of having a reading. I've never heard a good 'singing' instead of a reading.

Great question!

Love this thread, thanks so much for taking the time to answer everything OP!

You are welcome!