I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

@MountainAshley

I've had a huge amount of respect for people who work in this industry since my Dad's funeral. The people who dealt with his funeral were so kind and thoughtful and made what could have been a horrible process into a very calm and easy process for us. There were even a few laughs along the way. My Dad would have loved that!

Thank you for doing the job you do OP. Can I ask what age you were when you moved into this line of work?

Everyone has made such nice comments, I'm really touched, thank you.

@MountainAshley, this was a complete career change for me. I was in my early 50s when I started.

Thank you for this thread and everything you do.
Something has been bothering me since the death of my mother last year. She died at home. We used a FD that our family have always used, for generations! (It was also pre paid but that's not relevant).
When the FD came to collect her from the house, they were having difficulties moving her and so two of my brothers had to help them to carry her, in the body bag, down stairs and out to the private ambulance. I was appalled and thought it was very unprofessional, my brothers should never have had to do that. My dad won't hear a bad word said as he had always received good service and knew most members of staff very well. What should they have done if they couldn't move her themselves? Did they really have to get my brothers involved?

Is this normal practice?

I wondered if you could answer this for me as it's playing on my mind a bit, but I understand if you can't.
My aunt and uncle set up funeral plans about 20 years ago, virtually identical and with the same firm of Undertakers. They didn't have much spare cash at the time so the Undertaker said they could pre-pay just one of the funerals, and this would apply to which ever one died first. Then when the other person died they would use the existing written plan but would pay for it at the current price from their estate.

What happened was my uncle died first, so his pre-paid plan was used. My aunt has since decided she didn't think much to the Undertaker and so she doesn't want us to use that same firm when she dies.
Would we be allowed to do this or do we have to use the same Undertaker? If we didn't use the same firm would they find out?

Also, I hope you and your colleagues are ok after the last couple of years. Dealing with all the difficulties of COVID must have been horrendous for the industry.

@AmberGer

Thank you for this thread and everything you do. Something has been bothering me since the death of my mother last year. She died at home. We used a FD that our family have always used, for generations! (It was also pre paid but that's not relevant). When the FD came to collect her from the house, they were having difficulties moving her and so two of my brothers had to help them to carry her, in the body bag, down stairs and out to the private ambulance. I was appalled and thought it was very unprofessional, my brothers should never have had to do that. My dad won't hear a bad word said as he had always received good service and knew most members of staff very well. What should they have done if they couldn't move her themselves? Did they really have to get my brothers involved? Is this normal practice?

Hi @AmberGer I'm sorry for your loss and the bad experience you had. No the FD should not have involved your family. What if there had not been any family? Getting a deceased down stairs can be tricky but if they were unable to move your mum by themselves they should have called for other colleagues to come help. That's their job and what you're paying them for.

@ChristinePerfect

I wondered if you could answer this for me as it's playing on my mind a bit, but I understand if you can't. My aunt and uncle set up funeral plans about 20 years ago, virtually identical and with the same firm of Undertakers. They didn't have much spare cash at the time so the Undertaker said they could pre-pay just one of the funerals, and this would apply to which ever one died first. Then when the other person died they would use the existing written plan but would pay for it at the current price from their estate.

What happened was my uncle died first, so his pre-paid plan was used. My aunt has since decided she didn't think much to the Undertaker and so she doesn't want us to use that same firm when she dies.
Would we be allowed to do this or do we have to use the same Undertaker? If we didn't use the same firm would they find out?

Also, I hope you and your colleagues are ok after the last couple of years. Dealing with all the difficulties of COVID must have been horrendous for the industry.

Hi @ChristinePerfect, this sounds odd. The whole idea of a plan is that it's pre-paid and prices are fixed at time of purchase. If your aunt's funeral will be paid from her estate and at time-of-need prices then it's not a pre-paid plan. If they've paid nothing up front for the second funeral then they're not tied to using the same FD In the future. I'll look into this more when I'm in the office tomorrow.

This is a really interesting thread, thanks OP.

I have a question:

What happens when there is no body? My father wants to leave his body to science so I assume that they will just take him when the time comes (he's perfectly ok, he just likes to plan ahead!). Can he still have a service arranged? Would you use a pretend coffin? Or do you only deal with funerals where there is physically a body to look after?

@TrufflyPig

This is a really interesting thread, thanks OP.

I have a question:

What happens when there is no body? My father wants to leave his body to science so I assume that they will just take him when the time comes (he's perfectly ok, he just likes to plan ahead!). Can he still have a service arranged? Would you use a pretend coffin? Or do you only deal with funerals where there is physically a body to look after?

Hi @TrufflyPig, firstly your DF should make sure he has a Plan B too as it doesn't always go to plan. There are certain illnesses that will exclude a body being accepted. Also if he were to die at Easter or Christmas, or a bank holiday weekend then the anatomical schools may be shut and donation won't be possible.

Assuming he is successful his funeral would be arranged by the anatomical school once they'd finished using his body for research or learning. The family in the meantime could have a memorial service in his memory but a FD will only arrange a funeral for a body.

My parents live 200 miles away. They want a direct cremation, which is fine but I want to bring them home first to say goodbye (when the time comes). Do you know if that is possible, what would need to happen and if its expensive.

@alwayswrighty

My parents live 200 miles away. They want a direct cremation, which is fine but I want to bring them home first to say goodbye (when the time comes). Do you know if that is possible, what would need to happen and if its expensive.

Hi @alwayswrighty

Are you saying you'd want to bring their bodies down to where you live and have them cremated locally? When the first parent dies would the surviving parent want this? It's not impossible to do. You'd need to instruct a local funeral director to collect them but they're likely to charge for additional mileage - might be something like £2 per mile over 25 miles as an example. The idea of a direct cremation is that the deceased is taken straight from the funeral home to the crematorium. If you want the coffin in your house then you'd have to check with local funeral directors to see if they'd allow this. Ours wouldn't but we'd be able to arrange for you to do a chapel visit before the cremation.

Yes. Surviving would want this. They originate from here so would want to 'come home'.

I don't think I'd want the coffin in my house, but who knows how I'll feel.

♥️ You seem so kind

Thank you for this thread.
It is an area I have learned a bit about recently through watching Caitlin Doughty’s YouTube videos and reading her books. She is a funeral director/mortician in the USA who is on a mission to make it more normal to talk about death and what is/isn’t required to be done and charged for by the industry.

Since watching her stuff I have looked into woodland burial near me and have found both the place and the funeral director I would want to use, I just haven’t written anything down yet, my DH would think it was far too early to discuss it. However I think I will write a Google doc just in case!

My question which has been playing on my mind - when my Dad died it was a Tuesday, we saw him just afterwards in the hospital where you could see there had been a medical struggle, then later that day in their chapel of rest. He was buried the following Monday so we went to say goodbye on the Sunday. I do not believe we asked for embalming but they said it was fine to go and see him, does this timing fit with that? He looked peaceful.

No questions but I just wanted to join the many posters thanking you for what you do and to say how wonderfully respectful, kind and professional you sound. I started reading your thread on Thursday on the long journey back from my uncle's funeral and finished it over the last couple of days. My aunt spoke very highly of the funeral company she dealt with and it's hugely comforting to think of my lovely uncle being cared for with the thought and dignity you describe.

I'm also inspired by the fact you got into this career in middle age with no prior experience. I've been considering a career change for a while and this has definitely given me some food for thought. Whilst I deal very much with the living on my current job, there are definitely some transferable skills. Actually I do have a question - I've also had a brief look into becoming a celebrant and it seems like most are self employed and it's a completely separate role to the FD. Are they ever employed directly by the funeral company and is it ever possible to be involved in both roles?

@ChoccyJules

Thank you for this thread. It is an area I have learned a bit about recently through watching Caitlin Doughty’s YouTube videos and reading her books. She is a funeral director/mortician in the USA who is on a mission to make it more normal to talk about death and what is/isn’t required to be done and charged for by the industry.

Since watching her stuff I have looked into woodland burial near me and have found both the place and the funeral director I would want to use, I just haven’t written anything down yet, my DH would think it was far too early to discuss it. However I think I will write a Google doc just in case!

My question which has been playing on my mind - when my Dad died it was a Tuesday, we saw him just afterwards in the hospital where you could see there had been a medical struggle, then later that day in their chapel of rest. He was buried the following Monday so we went to say goodbye on the Sunday. I do not believe we asked for embalming but they said it was fine to go and see him, does this timing fit with that? He looked peaceful.

Hi @ChoccyJules

Yes this timing fits ok. There would have been very little change between the Tuesday and the Sunday, and in that time the Funeral Director would have taken your dad into their care and set his features. If no embalming is done then usually at the very least he would have had some cream put on his hands and face. Together these procedures would have made your dad look more peaceful and I'm pleased you got to see him like that, rather than keep the memory of the look after the medical intervention.

I too was introduced to the Caitlin Doughty You Tube videos. I find them fascinating.

It's never to early to take out a pre-paid funeral plan. You could pay for your funeral at today's prices (funeral directors fees would be fixed, third party, such as the burial site would be subject to increase). In the plan you can set out all your wishes. Hopefully you'll live a good long life which would maximise your savings (if you take out a plan).

@AmaDablam

No questions but I just wanted to join the many posters thanking you for what you do and to say how wonderfully respectful, kind and professional you sound. I started reading your thread on Thursday on the long journey back from my uncle's funeral and finished it over the last couple of days. My aunt spoke very highly of the funeral company she dealt with and it's hugely comforting to think of my lovely uncle being cared for with the thought and dignity you describe.

I'm also inspired by the fact you got into this career in middle age with no prior experience. I've been considering a career change for a while and this has definitely given me some food for thought. Whilst I deal very much with the living on my current job, there are definitely some transferable skills. Actually I do have a question - I've also had a brief look into becoming a celebrant and it seems like most are self employed and it's a completely separate role to the FD. Are they ever employed directly by the funeral company and is it ever possible to be involved in both roles?

Hi @AmaDablam

I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your uncle.

You're correct that celebrants are usually self employed and it's a completely separate role to the FD. Most FDs will work with a small number of 'regulars' that they've got to know. I have a few men and women that I call on and each one is different in their style. When I do an arrangement with a family I'll get a feel for what they want and pick a celebrant accordingly. Sometimes they'll insist it be a man or a woman but other times they're flexible. Of course if they have a celebrant in mind that I don't use, then I will contact that person to see if they're available.

The hardest thing will probably be getting your first bookings. We want everything to be perfect for the funerals we're arranging and I'll be honest and say it's easier for us to stick with our regulars who we know. It's hard to take a chance on someone you don't know who is new to the business, because if they do a bad job, it's out reputation that's at stake.

@CatFacePoodle

Thanks for sharing all of this. I was touched to read you give a final bow of respect to the deceased as they leave in the hearse. Lost my dad recently and it's a lovely thought.

Me too - thought of my dear grandparents. My DGF was a true gent and he would have loved this

Thank you so much for your reply @Sausagedogsarethebest, that's really helpful advice

Thank you @Sausagedogsarethebest I am so relieved to have had this question answered by a professional. I can’t explain why it was important to me but now I feel like I have more of the whole story from a very difficult time in my life.

Thanks for the thread. I have been a funeral celebrant and may go back into it when I retire, though it is a tough decision because I know I will never do a funeral service as good as the one I did for my mum.

It will be in a new area too, should I just go and introduce myself to the local undertakers or advertise and hope I do enough to get them to note my name? I have seen some truly dreadful celebrants, usually humanist I’m sad to say, getting names of family wrong, readings that don’t match the deceased etc.

My mother died almost 30 years ago. As a child growing up she always said that she wanted me to make sure she "had her eyebrows on" when she was buried. She was a very blond and had invisible eyebrows :)

When she died after a long fight with cancer. I didn't want to see her dead body. To me she had gone. So I never did put her eyebrows on.

I still have guilt all these years later, it was her only burial request.

I know you won't be able to answer precisely, but in your opinion would the undertakers have put her eyebrows on?

@Worldgonecrazy

Thanks for the thread. I have been a funeral celebrant and may go back into it when I retire, though it is a tough decision because I know I will never do a funeral service as good as the one I did for my mum.

It will be in a new area too, should I just go and introduce myself to the local undertakers or advertise and hope I do enough to get them to note my name? I have seen some truly dreadful celebrants, usually humanist I’m sad to say, getting names of family wrong, readings that don’t match the deceased etc.

Hi @Worldgonecrazy

Yes I would suggest you go and introduce yourself to local undertakers. Definitely let them know you've done this line of work before. I like to spend at least half an hour or more chatting informally to a potential celebrant so that I can get a feel for them.

@RuralRita

My mother died almost 30 years ago. As a child growing up she always said that she wanted me to make sure she "had her eyebrows on" when she was buried. She was a very blond and had invisible eyebrows :)

When she died after a long fight with cancer. I didn't want to see her dead body. To me she had gone. So I never did put her eyebrows on.

I still have guilt all these years later, it was her only burial request.

I know you won't be able to answer precisely, but in your opinion would the undertakers have put her eyebrows on?

Hi @Sausagedogsarethebest

I can only speak for myself, not the undertaker you used all those years ago. If we're asked to add certain make up then we do try to do it if we're able. We usually ask for a photograph so that we do any make up just how the deceased liked.

Generally, we don't put on anything unless asked, but we may put some foundation on a deceased to hide any deterioration blemishes, if the family is planning a chapel visit. We wouldn't put anything on the deceased if there were no visits planned, unless specifically asked to do so.

Please allow yourself to let go of the guilt now. I'm sure your DM would have forgiven you not being able to do this.

Sorry @RuralRita, I somehow called you by my username by mistake!

How do you feel about family firms being taken over by big American companies?

@CraftyGin

How do you feel about family firms being taken over by big American companies?

It’s not just big American companies, there are UK corporate funeral companies who acquire independents too.

I think there’s room in the industry for both independents and corporates. I’m not against the corporate framework, providing the company has a deep knowledge of the industry, they have integrity and are willing to invest money in training and improving processes.

Sadly, some long-established independents can no longer keep up with the changes in the industry and being acquired by a corporate brand is a way of staying in the business. I prefer it if the corporate retains the heritage and reputation of the independent, and keeps the staff in place if they are able to.