I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

@taxidermissy

I have spent alot of time abroad in Islamic countries where washing the deceased, transport and burials are done my families. When my neighbours grandfather died, he went from the house to the burial place in a normal jeep. Is this permitted in the UK ?

Are you sure it was a regular jeep @taxidermissy? There are some that are fitted out in the back to hold coffins. I don't suppose a funeral director would be too happy about it as a proper hearse has fittings to allow the coffin to be rolled in smoothly and held in place for the journey. I've never come across a family using their own vehicle so don't know if it would be permitted or not.

I've learnt a lot about the funeral practices of other cultures since doing this job. One of our branches has a chapel that has washing facilities in it so that families can wash and dress their family member if their culture demands it. We have staff in the room to assist if necessary and it's always that bit more difficult if the deceased is a woman, as the family will only allow women to help and most of our operatives are men.

I lost a very close relative to me recently and it has brought me some comfort reading this thread. I began yesterday and had to stop as I felt sad, but I've finished it just now and it it really has been very interesting.

The funeral director we chose for my relative was very sensitive and very kind. When I went to see them, I noticed they knocked the door and I was expecting to see someone else inside other than my relative. It was very touching to see the level of respect shown.

Do you ever speak to the deceased person? Or if they're being dressed, would you say something along the lines of, "Just popping your jacket on now, Harold." Or does this not happen?

@Chanel05

I lost a very close relative to me recently and it has brought me some comfort reading this thread. I began yesterday and had to stop as I felt sad, but I've finished it just now and it it really has been very interesting.

The funeral director we chose for my relative was very sensitive and very kind. When I went to see them, I noticed they knocked the door and I was expecting to see someone else inside other than my relative. It was very touching to see the level of respect shown.

Do you ever speak to the deceased person? Or if they're being dressed, would you say something along the lines of, "Just popping your jacket on now, Harold." Or does this not happen?

Hi @Chanel05, i'm very sorry for your recent loss.

That's exactly how it is. I've seen our operatives (the guys who bring the deceased into our care/dress them/act as bearers at the funerals) talking to them like this and it pulls at my heart because some of them are big burly guys and they like to have a banter when not working with the deceased. It'll be like "Hi Ethel, I just have to lift your arm up darling, sorry about that, there we are, all done". I've witnessed it when they have no idea I'm watching too, so it's not put on for effect, they genuinely care.

I saw my mum five days after she died and because there was a post mortem to be had they were not allowed to touch her. They advised me she had deteriorated quickly and to think it over. However when I saw her I did not see that! She looked peaceful x

It was the family car. I have never seen a hearse in the Middle East. They don't have caskets or coffins either just shrouds.

Thanks @Sausagedogsarethebest thats interesting- I had no idea deterioration happened to that extent so quickly. This is such a fascinating thread.

Ps. Sausage dogs really are the best - I have two!

My dad died in hospital around 20 years ago. We were never asked if we wanted to see him in the funeral home, and also never asked if we wanted him to be dressed in his own clothes.

I've arranged a couple of funerals since and we were asked these things. Which led me to often wonder what dad was dressed in when he was cremated. Would he have been in a hospital gown? Or dressed in some spare clothes that the funeral director had? Or just naked and covered with a sheet?

What do you do if the deceased is in hospital and no clothes are provided?

Great thread by the way!

@Tequilamockinbird

My dad died in hospital around 20 years ago. We were never asked if we wanted to see him in the funeral home, and also never asked if we wanted him to be dressed in his own clothes.

I've arranged a couple of funerals since and we were asked these things. Which led me to often wonder what dad was dressed in when he was cremated. Would he have been in a hospital gown? Or dressed in some spare clothes that the funeral director had? Or just naked and covered with a sheet?

What do you do if the deceased is in hospital and no clothes are provided?

Great thread by the way!

Hi @Tequilamockinbird, I can't answer what your DF was dressed in 20 years ago as I wasn't in the industry then, but my guess would be a gown. If a deceased comes to us from anywhere, dressed or naked, and no clothes are provided then we dress them in a silk gown. The old clothes are removed during the hygiene process and either returned to the family (if they want them) or put into clinical waste.

How often do people not have funerals when their loved ones die? My mum died at the beginning of Covid and I think we would’ve been allowed 10 people at the funeral. We ended up not holding one because my dad was adamant he couldn’t stand up in front of people and talk, he was too distraught, my mum was always adamant she didn’t want a funeral, and my mums direct relatives lived 400 miles away and they would’ve been the ones to invite. But they couldn’t really travel because of Covid. I have felt guilty that we didn’t give her a funeral but I think that’s mostly led by societal expectations. For us, as the people left behind, it felt appropriate for our family and we were honouring her wishes. (She died at home during end of life care, and the funeral directors came to collect her and then had her cremated and delivered her back to us).

@Bytheseaseasea

How often do people not have funerals when their loved ones die? My mum died at the beginning of Covid and I think we would’ve been allowed 10 people at the funeral. We ended up not holding one because my dad was adamant he couldn’t stand up in front of people and talk, he was too distraught, my mum was always adamant she didn’t want a funeral, and my mums direct relatives lived 400 miles away and they would’ve been the ones to invite. But they couldn’t really travel because of Covid. I have felt guilty that we didn’t give her a funeral but I think that’s mostly led by societal expectations. For us, as the people left behind, it felt appropriate for our family and we were honouring her wishes. (She died at home during end of life care, and the funeral directors came to collect her and then had her cremated and delivered her back to us).

Unattended funerals, or direct-to-cremation are getting more popular. They're still a small percentage of our funerals but whereas we'd hardly ever have any, I now see one every now and then. Some people choose to use 'specialist' companies, and maybe don't realise you can get the same thing from a traditional funeral director. I've no idea what their 'behind the scenes' services are like so cannot comment on the level of care given to the deceased.

Thanks, yes we used a traditional local funeral director and they were very kind and respectful.

Do you find that families are now making more use of streaming facilities?

I have 'been' to a lot of funerals that I would never have had time off work for and I really appreciated modern technology.

@CraftyGin

Do you find that families are now making more use of streaming facilities?

I have 'been' to a lot of funerals that I would never have had time off work for and I really appreciated modern technology.

Yes the live webcasts are a great idea. During the worst of Covid they were invaluable but even now they're a godsend for people who cannot attend. They're very popular.

I verge a lot of funerals but am also interesting in learning how to use our streaming facilities.

We don't usually stream funerals unless they are for a big church family member, as our AV team isn't usually available during the week.

Here I am, recently retired, ready to serve :)

OP, thank you for a genuinely interesting and insightful AMA. I hope when the day comes that I have to deal with funeral arrangements that I get someone as clearly professional and sympathetic as you!

@BellatricksStrange

Has there really been a massive increase in vaccine-related deaths? Asking for a friend...

Don't be silly.

Very sadly my MIL has been diagnosed terminal and has no funeral plan. DH and I have agreed to set aside a sum to accommodate but no one is ready to discuss this with her or the other siblings yet. Ever pragmatic, I would like to know how much she will need so it's available without any stress for lovely MIL's final wishes.

I’m sorry for your position

I have a friend who contacted 5 different undertakers and requested the price of a funeral, giving the same details each time, the price difference was £2000.

I paid £3000 for a funeral in 2020 and I know that the cremation was £1000. If I’d had the cremation 10 miles away that local authorities charge £600 for the cremation.

I was surprised at the difference in price

Fascinating thread and yes OP you sound absolutely lovely and thank you for everything that you do xx

Thank you so much for your response to my questions.

I am in tears reading this thread as your true pure respect for your job comes across in your words.

If it is appropriate for your beliefs, God bless.

You sound absolutely lovely OP. I recently lost my mother and lost my DH 5 years ago this Sunday . I was so impressed by the kindness of the funeral home people and the gentle , calm , dignified way they approached everything . At my mothers funeral , the funeral directors were a family, a dad and his reasonably young sons . I couldn't help but try and imagine their lives outside of work , work which was very formal and required such composure and dignity . I couldn't imagine any of them on wild nights out or on holidays , which of course was ridiculous of me as of course they behave the same as everyone else outside of work . Do you find it difficult to switch off and do you view life outside of work differently to when you did other jobs ?

@Teawaster

You sound absolutely lovely OP. I recently lost my mother and lost my DH 5 years ago this Sunday . I was so impressed by the kindness of the funeral home people and the gentle , calm , dignified way they approached everything . At my mothers funeral , the funeral directors were a family, a dad and his reasonably young sons . I couldn't help but try and imagine their lives outside of work , work which was very formal and required such composure and dignity . I couldn't imagine any of them on wild nights out or on holidays , which of course was ridiculous of me as of course they behave the same as everyone else outside of work . Do you find it difficult to switch off and do you view life outside of work differently to when you did other jobs ?

Hi @Teawaster, I'm sorry to hear of your losses.

Outside of work I'm just like any other middle aged mum and for the most part I do manage to switch off once I leave to go home. If it's a particularly busy time I might sit and think a bit during the evening..."did I do this, have I done that". I know I have because I have various checklists that I follow, but I don't ever want to get complacent and miss anything. I'm too old for clubbing but I'm pretty normal. I don't sit at home in the dark with the curtains closed l .

I'm probably more aware of making sure I enjoy life as much as I can because this job has shown me we're not guaranteed an old age - you'd be surprised at how many younger people (40s, 50s, 60s) that we care for. It's always sad to see someone come in who has gone far too soon.

I have a few more posts to catch up on, but wanted to post my questions before I forget them. If they've just been asked and answered, I apologise.

These doves that are being released? What happens to them next? Are they able to survive in the wild?

Secondly, what are the differences in your work with different religions? Or do different denominations have their own funeral directors?

Sorry, thought of a third. My eco friend says that embalming is pretty much plasticking and not a great thing to be putting in to the ground. Is this true?

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

I have a few more posts to catch up on, but wanted to post my questions before I forget them. If they've just been asked and answered, I apologise.

These doves that are being released? What happens to them next? Are they able to survive in the wild?

Secondly, what are the differences in your work with different religions? Or do different denominations have their own funeral directors?

Sorry, thought of a third. My eco friend says that embalming is pretty much plasticking and not a great thing to be putting in to the ground. Is this true?

The doves that are released are like homing pigeons - they fly back home. That's why the provider of the doves will only travel a particular distance for releases. You're really paying for the experience and the memory.

We can manage funerals for all religions and cultures and there are lots of different traditions:

• Some families want the coffin to go into the home the night before
• Some deceased go into the home on the morning of the funeral so that prayers can be said. The coffin is open if possible.
• We have washing facilities in some of our chapels for those who want to wash and dress before the funeral.
• Some cultures like to place various things in the coffin, eg fruit or coconuts. If it's coconuts then they have to be sliced at least in half if it's cremation, otherwise they would explode in the cremator.
• Some cultures want to 'witness the charge'. Most crematoriums have a viewing room or CCTV that allows a few family members to witness the coffin being put into the cremator (at which point they leave).
• We are able to provide crucifix, OM symbols, or Khanda symbols for the top of the coffin.

Basically, we will do whatever is in our power to honour any cultural traditions.

If you're planning an eco funeral then embalming isn't advised. The process removes the blood from the body and replaces it with preserving chemicals. Burial grounds that offer eco burials usually forbid embalming of the body.

Thank you for one of the best AMAs ever. I love your energy.

I've had a huge amount of respect for people who work in this industry since my Dad's funeral. The people who dealt with his funeral were so kind and thoughtful and made what could have been a horrible process into a very calm and easy process for us. There were even a few laughs along the way. My Dad would have loved that!

Thank you for doing the job you do OP. Can I ask what age you were when you moved into this line of work?