I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

Thankyou for the information. I will google and have a look. As I said in my question, I didn't wish to seem insensitive x

OP how much interaction do you personally have with the deceased? Were you nervous at first?

I like that the funeral staff treat the deceased as a person. When the hospital doctor came to confirm death he did this and I was very touched. It reminded me that this was still my Mum, it was just that her heart had stopped beating and she couldn't hear, see, or feel anything.
She had a direct burial (no service, though close family were there) within a week of her death. Question - given she died of heart and kidney issues, and wasn't at the undertakers very long, would there have been any issues with going to see her during that week?

She didn't want embalming and did specify burial so I'm pretty sure she wanted to "go back to nature" as it were.

PS for other people who might find themselves in this position, as most of us eventually do... The hospital were transparent about how long they thought she would live, so I did put in requests for quotes from three local firms before she died. None of them seemed unsettled by this timing and got back to me just fine.

@dane8

I have a question pls

There’s a lot on tv now about pre paid funerals, which I personally think are a good thing
But How do you know ??
That company is going to be around in 10/20 years time, what happens then to your 2k or whatever and the preparation you’ve made with that company??
Or is it a specialised company thing

The money is very safe and will be invested with a company that is fully regulated by the FSA. If the funeral director that your plan is with should go out of business then the plan would be transferred to another funeral director, but you'd be involved in that decision.

We have families that make huge savings by having a plan. The earlier you take out a plan the better because the funeral directors costs will be fixed and won't increase. One I did not long ago had had their plan in place for 20 odd years and made a massive saving.

@Georgeskitchen

Thankyou for the information. I will google and have a look. As I said in my question, I didn't wish to seem insensitive x

You weren't being insensitive at all. I just suggested Google so as not to upset anyone on the thread who has lost someone.

How many times do people try and change stuff without permission from next of kin ? I ask after a rather odd experience where the funeral director allowed changes from a person who was not family.

@CrimbleCrumble1 I think that'd be an awesome choice! If funeral music can be awesome.

@Sausagedogsarethebest thank you for your responses to everyone. Nothing to add or ask but I think it's an important thing to be able to be able to talk about. After all, death and taxes...

I started reading the thread feeling a bit squeamish but the way you talk about the process so respectfully is a real comfort, I'm sure all all PPs who have recently lost loved ones will feel that way too.

In the last 15 years I’ve had to arrange 4 funerals, my parents, an uncle and my MIL. I used two different local forms, and I can honestly say that every single person I dealt with were so professional and compassionate. Really the loveliest people. I have thought about going into it as it seems such a worthwhile job.

My office window overlooks a funeral directors and I quite enjoy seeing them heading off in their finery. Today all the male directors were popping on West Ham ties and the flowers were all West Ham colours!

@Fluffyfluffyclouds

OP how much interaction do you personally have with the deceased? Were you nervous at first?

I like that the funeral staff treat the deceased as a person. When the hospital doctor came to confirm death he did this and I was very touched. It reminded me that this was still my Mum, it was just that her heart had stopped beating and she couldn't hear, see, or feel anything.
She had a direct burial (no service, though close family were there) within a week of her death. Question - given she died of heart and kidney issues, and wasn't at the undertakers very long, would there have been any issues with going to see her during that week?

She didn't want embalming and did specify burial so I'm pretty sure she wanted to "go back to nature" as it were.

PS for other people who might find themselves in this position, as most of us eventually do... The hospital were transparent about how long they thought she would live, so I did put in requests for quotes from three local firms before she died. None of them seemed unsettled by this timing and got back to me just fine.

HI @Fluffyfluffyclouds, I do have some interaction. My branch doesn't have its own mortuary so only when a deceased is brought to the branch and placed into chapel for visits (the deceased rest at a nearby branch that does have a mortuary attached). I currently have someone in chapel who has been there since Thursday and will remain with me until their funeral at the end of this week. I check them every morning and make notes on their record of care on their condition. If it should deteriorate, and there are still more visits scheduled, then I will close the coffin and strongly recommend to the family that they make a closed coffin visit. I've been asked to remove jewellery, add make up, I've also placed a baby from their moses basket (in which they were viewed) into their coffin. I was nervous at first but soon got used to it.

@Cravey

How many times do people try and change stuff without permission from next of kin ? I ask after a rather odd experience where the funeral director allowed changes from a person who was not family.

The person we take direction from is the one who comes to make the arrangement and signs the forms. They are our client and if someone else tries to make a change then we have to seek permission from the client. There is a hierarchy of who can make funeral arrangements so we wouldn't be accepting great great aunt margaret as the client if there was a spouse or sibling alive, for example. Your funeral director should not have allowed a change without checking with their client first.

Thanks for a really interesting thread Op. You sound lovely.

When my Grandmother passed she also has a cigarette put between her fingers in the coffin like someone you mentioned above, and the funeral arranger promised to pop a match in with her too.

Very interesting thread, and I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you and others like you for doing the job you do and for being so sensitive to people's feelings and needs at a difficult time.

Obviously people's experiences can vary and a bad one is awful, but fortunately mine was good.

Do you and your colleagues ever get asked to arrange the funerals of people you have known in life (friends, family, acquaintances) and how do you feel about that?

The funeral director we appointed for my Dad's funeral last year was someone who had known him in life for various. They did a great job and we were very pleased (if that is the right way of putting it).

They really made him look lovely for when we visited him in the Chapel of Rest. This was so important to us because we had last seen him about an hour after he had died in hospital, which was traumatic as he looked like a wreck who had been in the wars then (which he had). I sooo didn't want that wreck to be my last memory of him, and the funeral directors did not disappoint. In the Chapel of Rest my Dad looked to be at peace, like a sleeping version of his former self. I felt reassured that he was at peace in a way that he hadn't been when we saw him at the hospital. I take it you do have to deal with that sort of experience at times too.

Thank you all for what you do.

@hangsangwitch

In the last 15 years I’ve had to arrange 4 funerals, my parents, an uncle and my MIL. I used two different local forms, and I can honestly say that every single person I dealt with were so professional and compassionate. Really the loveliest people. I have thought about going into it as it seems such a worthwhile job.

My office window overlooks a funeral directors and I quite enjoy seeing them heading off in their finery. Today all the male directors were popping on West Ham ties and the flowers were all West Ham colours!

I would recommend it for job satisfaction.

We try to do little touches. If the deceased had a favourite colour for example then the guys on the funeral will all wear ties in that colour. We did a funeral for a young lad and the funeral director who paged the hearse was dressed as famous film character.

We try to do little touches. If the deceased had a favourite colour for example then the guys on the funeral will all wear ties in that colour.

That's lovely of you OP. A friend of mine is a young female vicar and conducted a funeral for a lady who had a great sense of humour and loved animal prints, so everyone was asked to wear some. Of course she had to wear her robes, but she got hold of some leopard print hot pants to wear underneath and let the Ladies' daughters know; it brought a bit of light to a difficult day and gave them a little smile.

@Sausagedogsarethebest . Thought so. Such a flipping palaver afterwards trying to complain etc. Was sorted to a degree but could never change what happened at the funeral. You do a wonderful job. Thankyou.

@Topseyt

Very interesting thread, and I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you and others like you for doing the job you do and for being so sensitive to people's feelings and needs at a difficult time.

Obviously people's experiences can vary and a bad one is awful, but fortunately mine was good.

Do you and your colleagues ever get asked to arrange the funerals of people you have known in life (friends, family, acquaintances) and how do you feel about that?

The funeral director we appointed for my Dad's funeral last year was someone who had known him in life for various. They did a great job and we were very pleased (if that is the right way of putting it).

They really made him look lovely for when we visited him in the Chapel of Rest. This was so important to us because we had last seen him about an hour after he had died in hospital, which was traumatic as he looked like a wreck who had been in the wars then (which he had). I sooo didn't want that wreck to be my last memory of him, and the funeral directors did not disappoint. In the Chapel of Rest my Dad looked to be at peace, like a sleeping version of his former self. I felt reassured that he was at peace in a way that he hadn't been when we saw him at the hospital. I take it you do have to deal with that sort of experience at times too.

Thank you all for what you do.

Yes we do sometimes get asked to arrange the funerals for people we know. It's obviously that bit more difficult but at the same time it's a great honour to help. One colleague arranged the funeral of her own family member, by choice.

Thank you for sharing about your Dad. I see this so often. The deceased often are brought into our care looking extremely poorly. Embalming and a bit of make up can work wonders and, as you say, make them look as though they're asleep. It always helps if the family provides a photo of what the deceased looked like while alive. It's a great comfort to those who visit. So sorry for your loss.

@ABitBesottedWithMyDog

Why on earth did the celebrant or whoever he was start reading an atrocious poem, absolute doggerel, at a recent family funeral, off his own bat? The deceased was a lover of literature, and if he hadn't been dead already, that poetic shitefest would have finished him off!

I conduct church funerals and would never do this. I take great care to work with the family and make sure that they have a service that reflects their wishes and the life of the deceased and includes appropriate material.

Thank you to everyone who is expressing thanks and saying kind words, I do appreciate it.

I'm sorry for everyone who has had a loss, or who has had a bad experience with funeral arranging.

Very enlightening and comforting thread. Very pleased to hear the money is protected if your prepaid funeral firm goes bust or becomes defunct.

Thanks for your reply. The only photo we actually supplied was the one which was to be put on the order of service in the crematorium. However, as the funeral director had actually known my Dad I suppose that helped a lot.

We had the funeral procession draw up outside our house and leave from there. I was sitting with my mother and sister in the following limousine and watched the funeral director walking respectfully beside the hearse. When ready to get in it stopped, he doffed his hat and bowed to my Dad's coffin before taking his place beside the chauffeur. I thought that was lovely.

My DH died only last month, I just wanted to say that the funeral directors made what is/was an awful time for us much easier. They were very respectful, told me when he was back from the post mortem so that I could say my final goodbyes and always referred to him by his name. He was a person, a human being to them, he was our loved one, not a 'body'.
Thank you for all you do.

My DH is terminally ill, I am going to have to think about his funeral in the next few weeks/months. He was going to buy a prepaid plan but would it be better not to do this now? How do I find a good funeral director? I know he wouldn't want any religious references in his funeral so can I just have a humanist type person (sorry if that's not the right term), how do I find someone? All these questions play on my mind late at night early hours of the morning. I feel I should know the answers but I don't and I don't know who to ask.

@Sausagedogsarethebest
Do you always carry out the relative's wishes?

When my dd died we were not able to see her (closed coffin). The funeral director was brilliant and let us come in anytime and sit with her. I took in her jammies, fluffy dressing gown and slippers plus photos and personal items. On the day of the funeral, the undertaker said to me dd is all cosy in her jammies and dressing gown.
This probably sounds mad but I didn't believe that they would have dressed her in her jammies because no one would know!!! It's 6 years ago and its something I still think about.
When the family can't see their loved one do you really dress them in what the family want.
Please be honest I won't be upset.

Are the ashes definitely the right ones?

I’m so sorry bloodywhitecat for what you and your DH are going through. Sending love and gentle hugs. My darling younger brother died suddenly last summer and we had a humanist cremation, the celebrant was wonderful and understood and respected our wishes that we didn’t want any religious references, she finished with a beautiful blessing and we all wrote tributes to him that she read out. I think the funeral director put us in touch with her.

I don’t have a question, I just wanted to say Thankyou for what you do. I can’t remember what her title was but the lady undertaker who was in charge the day of Andy’s funeral was just so lovely, she bowed to him when we arrived at the crem and when I took my flowers to them in the morning in absolute floods of snivelly snotty tears she helped me arrange them on his coffin and told me how beautiful they were (we made our own bouquets from our garden and the kids helped so it was a little…erm…rustic looking)
Sending love to all of you missing someone xxx

@ABitBesottedWithMyDog I'm a celebrant and would never, ever, do this. Every word on my script is always exactly what has been agreed with my client. I would never change it and go 'off piste' on the day! That's shocking to hear and if that's what actually happened, you should complain. Most celebrants are members of one of the professional bodies (I am a member of the AOIC) and we take our jobs very seriously.