I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

Hi, I have a question please.

I have just arranged a funeral, while waiting on the post mortem a couple of weeks had passed since he died, they asked if I wanted to see him and I said no. I was advised to have the hygiene treatment done even though I wasn’t going to see the open coffin but I said that I may sit with it closed. I didn’t press why this was as I wasn’t strong enough on the day, he just said, ‘we strongly advise going for it’ in the end I choose not to sit with the coffin at all. Why was the treatment so strongly advised for a closed coffin?

Thank you

What does the body look like on day 11? I keep think about my dad who died a year ago and what was happened to his body after dying and before being cremated 11 days after he died.

@IWillBeSeeingYou

Hi, I have a question please.

I have just arranged a funeral, while waiting on the post mortem a couple of weeks had passed since he died, they asked if I wanted to see him and I said no. I was advised to have the hygiene treatment done even though I wasn’t going to see the open coffin but I said that I may sit with it closed. I didn’t press why this was as I wasn’t strong enough on the day, he just said, ‘we strongly advise going for it’ in the end I choose not to sit with the coffin at all. Why was the treatment so strongly advised for a closed coffin?

Thank you

Hi @IWillBeSeeingYou, I'm sorry for your recent loss.

When you say 'hygiene treatment' do you mean embalming?

Sometimes families say to us that they don't want to see their loved one in chapel. However, it's not unknown for them to change their mind later. I hope this isn't going to be too much information at a sensitive time, but if the deceased is embalmed then it helps keep the body looking 'well' for longer. I've often had families say that their loved one actually looks better after the embalming than they did when they last saw them when they died.

Embalming also slows down the natural processes and can prevent certain things (which I won't go into) from happening.

I hope that makes sense. I don't want to go into too much detail when your loss is so recent.

@CrimbleCrumble1

What does the body look like on day 11? I keep think about my dad who died a year ago and what was happened to his body after dying and before being cremated 11 days after he died.

Hi @CrimbleCrumble1

Day 11 is different for everyone. It will depend on what the deceased died of, what medications they were taking at time of death, whether they've been embalmed or not. We've had deceased that still look as though they're just asleep 5 weeks after death. The vast majority of deceased will still look ok a couple of weeks after death as they're kept in a cool, carefully monitored environment.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad.

How does seeing so much death affect your emotional and mental well being

Does a 'funeral arranger' different from a 'funeral director' or undertaker?

What is included in the costs for "services to the family" and "services to the person" - in the haze of organisation I found the funeral costs bafflingly expensive and not terribly well justified.

@Rossnagoose

Does a 'funeral arranger' different from a 'funeral director' or undertaker?

Sorry -- does a funeral arranger differ from a funeral director or undertaker?

@Sausagedogsarethebest

Thank you for replying, yes embalming but they called it hygiene treatment. I was sure that I didn’t want to see him as he lay for 4 days before he was found and then it was almost 3 weeks before he reached the funeral directors from the mortuary. Tbh I didn’t expect it to even be an option, the funeral director did say he wouldn’t know until he collected the body anyway if it would be possible but the decision on the embalming was made before then. We are 1 week past the funeral now and I only just thought about it the other day
So maybe it was just ‘just incase’ or to make it easier for them to deal with.

Sausagedogsarethebest
Thank you, that is a comfort. I can see why you do your job you seem perfect for it, you are very understanding of how people are feeling and say things in the nicest way you can.

why so expensive please

@Jjjayfee

How does seeing so much death affect your emotional and mental well being

Hi @Jjjayfee

Before starting this job I wondered if I'd be able to handle the emotional side. I'm usually a 'heart on my sleeve' kind of woman and can cry easily, but I've found I can mostly detach myself from the situation. It's that bit harder when it's a baby or child of course, but we have to remain strong for the client. The one time I did have a few tears was when this particular client had given me their music choices for the crematorium. The music chosen for going in was their wedding song (deceased was woman in her 40s) and when I was ordering it online I listened to a clip and I just lost it at my desk.

Why on earth did the celebrant or whoever he was start reading an atrocious poem, absolute doggerel, at a recent family funeral, off his own bat? The deceased was a lover of literature, and if he hadn't been dead already, that poetic shitefest would have finished him off!

@Rossnagoose

Does a 'funeral arranger' different from a 'funeral director' or undertaker?

Funeral Director and Undertaker are the same thing. I class the Funeral Director as the person who leads the funeral on the day - the one paging (walking) in front of the car with the top hat and cane. A funeral arranger is the person you meet in the branch who finds out exactly what you want for your funeral and does all the paperwork, ordering etc.

@Purplewithred

What is included in the costs for "services to the family" and "services to the person" - in the haze of organisation I found the funeral costs bafflingly expensive and not terribly well justified.

Services to the family will include taking care of all the legal and administrative arrangements. Meeting with the family (up to an hour usually) to chat and find out exactly what they want for their funeral. Providing guidance and advice on all the documentation required. Organising the funeral service - liaising with third parties at churches/crematoriums, officiants/ministers, booking the music, setting up tribute pages, organising Orders of Service etc etc.

Services to the Person will include collecting and transporting the deceased from their place of death back into our care, tending to the deceased before the funeral - this could include embalming, dressing them in their own clothes. We also check the deceased daily and make a note of their condition. If any deterioration has happened it may involve whatever is necessary to clean up the deceased and their environment.

There's more goes on than people realise. I'll post a list in a bit of what I did for one particular family when arranging their funeral, to give an idea of what is involved.

@ABitBesottedWithMyDog

Why on earth did the celebrant or whoever he was start reading an atrocious poem, absolute doggerel, at a recent family funeral, off his own bat? The deceased was a lover of literature, and if he hadn't been dead already, that poetic shitefest would have finished him off!

I'm sorry to hear that an awful poem was read out at the funeral of your family member recently. The celebrant will meet with the family beforehand to learn as much as they can about the deceased so that they can build a suitable eulogy and ceremony. They should be checking with their client what readings/poems etc will be used so I'm very surprised they added something without their client's permission. I'd be taking that up with the celebrant to enquire why they thought it was suitable.

OK, on the subject of expense, here's what was involved for one family a little while back. The client lived a fair distance from us (their loved one was local) and they couldn't meet with me in person during the week. They also wanted the funeral at the weekend.

1. Deceased brought into our care following call from Nursing Home. Collection was out of hours so the on-call team responded.
2. Called next of kin to convey condolences and set a time to make funeral arrangements.
3. Hour long call with next of kin (NOK).
4. NOK wanted Sunday church service followed by cremation. Deceased was not a regular church goer.
5. Calls to local churches to see if any would conduct a Sunday service and then travel to crematorium for committal – none interested as Sunday main day of worship and no special considerations would be made as deceased not a parishioner or church goer.
6. Call to an acquaintance minister to see if he’d agree to lead a Sunday funeral service. He agreed.
7. Several communications back and forth with NOK to determine if Sunday is critical. Also enquire whether they’d consider having service in crematorium chapel rather than a church.
8. Determine Sunday is critical, but family will use crematorium chapel.
9. Call to crematorium to book Sunday service. Sundays are an exception and at the discretion of the crematorium. They will accept but service must be at 10am.
10. Couple more emails to client to discuss the early service time (they wanted later) and explain they will not be able to view the deceased on the actual day of the funeral, prior to the service, as time will not allow.
11. Discuss with client their requirements for an order of service.
12. Call to minister to confirm his availability.
13. Await ‘Green’ form from Registrars Office (Certificate for Cremation or Burial).
14. Complete internal form with ‘Initial Information’ to generate a system identifier number.
15. Put details of funeral on system – Details of the deceased, the client, preparation required, service details, financial costs etc.
16. Complete internal forms with coffin and embalming instructions.
17. Send minister/officiant a written confirmation.
18. Send client a written confirmation.
19. Call to client to complete 3 crematorium forms.
20. Call to the GP of the deceased to get copy of the doctor’s form.
21. Arrange cheque for the GP (they charge £82 to complete their form).
22. Scan and send copies of completed forms – Estimate, Crematorium Forms – to client for signature.
23. Print forms once received back and send to Crem forms to crematorium.
24. Order coffin.
25. Order flowers
26. Await ‘running order’ from Minister to allow order of service to be requested from graphics team.
27. Book music requirements for crematorium.
28. Receive clothes/personal effects from client that they want deceased dressed in.
29. Organise chapel visits for client to see deceased.
30. Check deceased daily when in chapel to ensure no deterioration.
31. Set up online tribute page.
32. Arrange collection of deposit from client.
33. Ensure all financials entered on to system and correct.
34. Complete ‘Conductors’ form for Funeral Director who will call client before funeral.
35. Accept flowers into branch from florists.
36. Assist funeral director with loading coffin and flowers into hearse.
37. Final respect bow to deceased when hearse leaves branch.
38. Check final invoice to client is correct.
39. Chase up payment of final invoice if necessary.
40. Collect ashes from crematorium if required.
41. Close client file and ensure all paperwork present in case of audit.

I'll add, sometimes I may have one or two funerals on the go, other times there may be 10 or more. As you can imagine I have to be extremely organised to ensure everything is done in a timely manner. This is the family's chance to say their final goodbye and it has to be perfect for them - we can't do a re-run so everything has to be checked, double-checked and triple-checked to ensure it's completed.

@CrimbleCrumble1

Sausagedogsarethebest Thank you, that is a comfort. I can see why you do your job you seem perfect for it, you are very understanding of how people are feeling and say things in the nicest way you can.

Thank you @CrimbleCrumble1

We do try to be as sensitive as possible, but I did have one client who came in and was quite frank that she didn't want any 'flowery talk'. She didn't want me to say Passed Away or anything like that. Wanted me to say it how it was, ie Dead. That was actually harder because it felt brutal and not how I'd usually talk to a family.

We had one funeral director arrive to take away my dad who referred to him as "the body" and explained exactly why embalming was done, while he was still warm in the other room. My mum sent him away and we got someone else to come instead. The language you use is so important and its reassuring that you are so sensitive to it, even on here. Thank you.

What’s the most unusual request you’ve had in terms of something to be put in the coffin with the deceased?

@RoyKentsChestHair

We had one funeral director arrive to take away my dad who referred to him as "the body" and explained exactly why embalming was done, while he was still warm in the other room. My mum sent him away and we got someone else to come instead. The language you use is so important and its reassuring that you are so sensitive to it, even on here. Thank you.

That's awful and I'm sorry you had that experience. Nowadays hospitals and hospices seem to often give families the heads up that the passing of their loved one is imminent and encourage them to select a funeral home for when the time comes. I would advise people speak to a few different funeral directors, even if it's just a call to enquire about pricing. You can usually tell from that first call whether the person at the other end of the phone is caring and has empathy. I'm proud of the way our team treats the deceased with such dignity and respect. We had another funeral home come to collect a deceased from us, and the rough and insensitive way their operatives handled the gentleman was horrible. I thought then, if only this family knew what was happening, they wouldn't have gone with that funeral director .

Have you ever encountered anything spooky/spiritual being so close to death?

@RoyKentsChestHair OMG that's shocking

@Sharrowgirl

What’s the most unusual request you’ve had in terms of something to be put in the coffin with the deceased?

Nothing too outrageous as yet. If it's a cremation we have to advise no glass, nothing with batteries and some other materials that aren't allowed. I had one lady who brought it a full sized pillow and a huge blanket as she couldn't stand the thought her mum would get cold. Of course I assured her the items would go in (and they did) but obviously didn't point out the fact mum had to be kept in a cooled environment.

Mostly people place letters and photos but we get bottles of perfume, CDs and all sorts. One family asked us to put a cigarette between the fingers of the deceased lady as she was a chain smoker when alive.