I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

How do you view the deceased, OP? As extremely quiet people who are not going to start moving or talking at any time soon, or would you say there are other aspects to how you feel about them?

I had thought the deceased would be kept in cold store and just brought out to the chapel of rest for viewings, but, from your remarks, it seems they are - if viewings are required - in the chapel of rest all the time. Are there special cooling facilities there two, and how many chapels of rest are there at a typical branch - do you ever run out of viewings space and have to work around that?

I'd like to be buried in an eco-cemetary that is about 80 miles from where I currently live. How will I get there? Will I be transported in a hearse and will it be expensive?

I've specified I'd like to be buried in my PJs in a cotton lined, wool coffin. Are these difficult to source?

Can I be laid to rest on my side (natural sleeping position) or do I have to be laid on my back?

@Sausagedogsarethebest

My Dad is terminally ill, and has arranged his funeral himself. He has opted for a direct funeral, and will be cremated a few hundred miles away from home. He hates funerals so this is why he has chosen this. We have a fairly open relationship, but I haven't been able to ask him this question - Will my family be able to view him before he travels for cremation? I'd prefer a funeral for him, but fully respect his wishes. Selfishly, I feel I need to be able to say goodbye to him before his cremation.

My aunt died in December and sadly was at home for a few days before she was found (we think approx 5 days), and then there had to be a post mortem which was around 3 weeks later. My cousin (her daughter) was organising the funeral and wanted a Saturday slot at the crematorium. At first the undertaker was really relaxed about that and said as long as she was happy to wait an extra week or so, that would be fine. Then, when he went to pick up my aunt from the mortuary, he told us that we would be 'struggling' to wait that extra week and he would recommend having the funeral ASAP. Why would this have been? The coffin was always going to be closed, so I'd have thought that an extra 7-10 days wouldn't really have mattered. All we can think of is maybe there would be a smell? I just wouldn't think it would be that strong and come through the coffin during the service, but I don't know?

@CaroleFuckingBaskin

Such an interesting and informative thread. Thank you OP.

I have to say I have quite a dark humour and I know if you knocked on the door at the Chapel of rest, I would get the giggles 😃. But nit in a bad way, it would just lighten the mood and make things more bareable

Always helps to have a good sense of humour and, despite the industry, I do have a good laugh with colleagues at work - not about the deceased obviously! It's amazing how many times I sit in an arrangement and end up having a laugh with the client. Once the initial awkwardness or unease is over and we get chatting and develop a rapport, we all relax a bit. I always take my cue from the client though and let them introduce the humour if they want to.

@scrivette

Thank you, this has been a fascinating thread.

When I was at school I wanted to do work experience in our local funeral directors but was not allowed (for obvious reasons).

Having quite a lot of experience of attending funerals I often think that your role would be one I was interested in, so it was interesting to hear that you didn't have precious experience/specific qualification for the role.

Hi @scrivette, it's easy to pick up the admin side of the role. More important is to have organisational skills, empathy, patience, attention to detail etc

Thanks for posting OP, being a funeral arranger is something I've often thought about (I'm a burial clerk for a small Parish).

Is there such thing as work experience in the industry? Ive never been in the presence of the deceased so unsure if it's the right decision for me.

@pansypotter123

This is a very timely thread for me, and I wonder if you can help. Just today I picked up my late family member's ashes from the undertaker - their wish was for their ashes to be scattered abroad. I have all the documentation from the undertaker, and crematorium , and a death certificate, and I have made all the necessary enquiries with the airline. The airlines say the ashes must be in a sealed container. The ashes themselves are inside what I would describe as a thick paper bag which is stapled across the top which in turn is in a firmly closed up thick cardboard box. Nothing will get out! Is that sufficient for the plane, do you know? Thank you 😊

Hi @pansypotter123

I think you should be ok as long as the internal bag is sealed tightly and the box has no damage to it. As guidance, the container should be made of non-metallic, scannable material that can easily be X-rayed during security checks. If they can't view the contents on the scanner then it won't be allowed on board.

What do you do if someone has died in an accident and doesn’t look their best. Do you have to clean them up? Or does it depend? Does it ever make you feel anxious about doing things, like driving or riding your bike because you’ve seen people who have died that way?

@whenwilliwillibefamous

How do you view the deceased, OP? As extremely quiet people who are not going to start moving or talking at any time soon, or would you say there are other aspects to how you feel about them?

I had thought the deceased would be kept in cold store and just brought out to the chapel of rest for viewings, but, from your remarks, it seems they are - if viewings are required - in the chapel of rest all the time. Are there special cooling facilities there two, and how many chapels of rest are there at a typical branch - do you ever run out of viewings space and have to work around that?

Hi @whenwilliwillibefamous. I always hope the deceased will remain quiet and not start moving around! I did have a nightmare once that one of the deceased had moved and woken up, but that's a whole other thread! I always look at them as a person, not just a body, hence why I ask the family to tell me a bit about them when they come to make the arrangements. I sometimes wonder about what sort of life they've led. If I ever stopped caring about them it would be time to give up the job.

Ultimately we try to keep the deceased in the cold environment of the morgue. If the branch has morgue facilities attached (and not all branches do) then the deceased will be moved into chapel for viewings and placed back into the morgue afterwards, as that's the best environment for them to be in. If the branch doesn't have a morgue then the deceased are brought over by private ambulance to the chapel for the family visits. We don't want to be moving the deceased back and forth between branches, as that can be undignified, so ideally we'll arrange the viewings for close to the funeral so that the deceased isn't in the chapel for too long. They can potentially be in there for a few days though. They're checked every morning to assess condition. It wouldn't really be appropriate to have a deceased in chapel for too long if they haven't been embalmed. The chapels are windowless and don't have heating. We can use a cooler to lower the temperature in there if necessary.

Our branches have one or two chapels typically. Obviously it's easier for those with two to juggle viewings. For those of us with one it has to be carefully managed and diarised. If the worst comes to the worst we may ask the family to view the deceased at another branch, but that hasn't happened for me yet.

This is a really interesting thread. Thank you for sharing and answering questions. My nana died in Jan 2021 and it’s actually quite comforting knowing she would of been very well looked after. The staff were amazing, I found it so respectful when they bowed before leaving her coffin. Thank you for the job you do! It’s a taboo area what people don’t usually speak about so I am sure you don’t get the recognition you deserve x

@JamMakingWannaBe

I'd like to be buried in an eco-cemetary that is about 80 miles from where I currently live. How will I get there? Will I be transported in a hearse and will it be expensive?

I've specified I'd like to be buried in my PJs in a cotton lined, wool coffin. Are these difficult to source?

Can I be laid to rest on my side (natural sleeping position) or do I have to be laid on my back?

You would be transported to the cemetery in a hearse but the funeral director may charge a little extra for the additional time/mileage on the funeral.

Most eco coffins are not difficult to source, but some only come in standard sizes. If the deceased was morbidly obese they might not be appropriate.

Interesting question about lying on your side. Coffins are generally wider than they are tall because they're designed to have the deceased laid flat on their back. If you were laid on your side you may be too high at the shoulder for the coffin. Also there's more potential for the body to move in the coffin if it was laid on its side without the legs bent, unless the coffin was packed out support the body (you have to remember that a dead body is not easy to manipulate into different shapes, treat the deceased gently and with dignity and can't be forcing limbs into different shapes).

[quote Schnauzersaremyheros]@Sausagedogsarethebest

My Dad is terminally ill, and has arranged his funeral himself. He has opted for a direct funeral, and will be cremated a few hundred miles away from home. He hates funerals so this is why he has chosen this. We have a fairly open relationship, but I haven't been able to ask him this question - Will my family be able to view him before he travels for cremation? I'd prefer a funeral for him, but fully respect his wishes. Selfishly, I feel I need to be able to say goodbye to him before his cremation.[/quote]
Hi @Schnauzersaremyheros, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

It may depend on which company the funeral is arranged through. I can't speak for the ones that specialise in direct cremations. I work in a traditional undertakers and we offer direct cremations. We can certainly facilitate viewings before the cremation. It's not at all selfish to want to see your dad one last time to say goodbye. I hope when the time comes you get your chance .

@whatthehelldowecare

My aunt died in December and sadly was at home for a few days before she was found (we think approx 5 days), and then there had to be a post mortem which was around 3 weeks later. My cousin (her daughter) was organising the funeral and wanted a Saturday slot at the crematorium. At first the undertaker was really relaxed about that and said as long as she was happy to wait an extra week or so, that would be fine. Then, when he went to pick up my aunt from the mortuary, he told us that we would be 'struggling' to wait that extra week and he would recommend having the funeral ASAP. Why would this have been? The coffin was always going to be closed, so I'd have thought that an extra 7-10 days wouldn't really have mattered. All we can think of is maybe there would be a smell? I just wouldn't think it would be that strong and come through the coffin during the service, but I don't know?

Hi @whatthehelldowecare, I'm sorry about your aunt. That must have been a very distressing situation for you.

I think in this instance the funeral director was trying to tell you, as gently as possible, that the body was already deteriorating badly. When a deceased comes into our care in a bad condition then they have to remain in a body bag in the morgue to contain fluids, but they still have to be checked daily. Unfortunately there will be a strong odour too. I don't want to say more than that but in these situations its important to lay the deceased to rest as soon as possible, for their dignity as much as anything else.

@caprimoon

Thanks for posting OP, being a funeral arranger is something I've often thought about (I'm a burial clerk for a small Parish).

Is there such thing as work experience in the industry? Ive never been in the presence of the deceased so unsure if it's the right decision for me.

Hi @caprimoon, we do sometimes get asked about work experience but it's not common in this industry as we have contact with the deceased and have to protect their dignity at all times. It's always worth contacting your local undertakers though to see if they'd consider you, especially as you already have a connection, dealing with burials.

@LittleSnakes

What do you do if someone has died in an accident and doesn’t look their best. Do you have to clean them up? Or does it depend? Does it ever make you feel anxious about doing things, like driving or riding your bike because you’ve seen people who have died that way?

Some morticians can work wonders on the deceased and embalming and mortician's make up can cover up a lot. Some times you have to be practical - eg if it was a head injury then a hat can sometimes cover the wound. It's not always possible though and if the family is advised not to view and insist on doing so then they have to sign an indemnity to show they've acted against advice.

I think you have to put things into perspective in life. I could get killed crossing the road tonight (hopefully won't!) and if you stopped doing anything because of potential danger, then you'd do nothing.

@Sausagedogsarethebest thank you so much - there are certainly no metal containers - the stapled bag seems to be a thick white almost grease proof paper type quality and the actual box is undamaged and made of a thick cardboard - a bit like a shoebox but thicker and smaller dimensions. In fact my daughter said it looked like the old iPhone boxes dimension wise!!

Thank you for an interesting thread...but...

You listed this in your list of charges...
13.Await ‘Green’ form from Registrars Office (Certificate for Cremation or Burial).

How much do you charge for 'awaiting'?

@ChocolateDeficitDisorder

Thank you for an interesting thread...but...

You listed this in your list of charges...
13.Await ‘Green’ form from Registrars Office (Certificate for Cremation or Burial).

How much do you charge for 'awaiting'?

We don't charge for waiting for forms, I was trying to clarify what was involved - the stages of the process. It wasn't a list of charges.

Thanks for that. I didn’t realise there were morticians as well.

Thank you for the important work you do OP. I can imagine it can be a very tough job, but I can also see how it would be an enormous privilege to be doing this vital job, and to do it well.

We were lucky with the Funeral Directors who organised the funerals of my mum and dad. They were very respectful and obviously cared deeply about ‘getting it right’. After Mum’s funeral, I popped into their office one day to ask if they could keep the ashes for a bit longer while we made arrangements for interring them at a local burial ground.
The receptionist said: ‘Of course, don’t worry. We’ll look after her until you’re ready to collect her’, which I just thought was so sweet considering we were talking about a box of ashes. It was faintly amusing but just very touching too.

@waterlego

Thank you for the important work you do OP. I can imagine it can be a very tough job, but I can also see how it would be an enormous privilege to be doing this vital job, and to do it well.

We were lucky with the Funeral Directors who organised the funerals of my mum and dad. They were very respectful and obviously cared deeply about ‘getting it right’. After Mum’s funeral, I popped into their office one day to ask if they could keep the ashes for a bit longer while we made arrangements for interring them at a local burial ground.
The receptionist said: ‘Of course, don’t worry. We’ll look after her until you’re ready to collect her’, which I just thought was so sweet considering we were talking about a box of ashes. It was faintly amusing but just very touching too.

I'm pleased you had a good experience with your FD @waterlego.

You'll find that's typical behaviour. We treat the ashes as though they're still a person. When I call a client I'll tell them mum or dad (or whoever) is back in our care. Ashes are kept carefully locked away, but that box is George, that one is Jane etc. We're always happy to keep hold of them until the family is ready to collect, but some people take it a little too literally and as I mentioned in an earlier response, I have some here that have been with me since 2013. I'm pretty sure some of my colleagues have some older than that.

@LittleSnakes

Thanks for that. I didn’t realise there were morticians as well.

We have an embalmer who looks after the deceased for several branches. If he's not busy with embalming or other care then he'll don a uniform and help with bearing duties on funerals.

I have spent alot of time abroad in Islamic countries where washing the deceased, transport and burials are done my families. When my neighbours grandfather died, he went from the house to the burial place in a normal jeep.
Is this permitted in the UK ?

Absolutely echo the other pps, you have a lovely, kind manner. I suspect more so in person. I'm going to a funeral on Friday, it'll be a tricky one, I hope the funeral home have been as kind as yours.