I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

@girlabouthome

Have you ever encountered anything spooky/spiritual being so close to death?

I've never seen anything spooky but a colleague in another branch has a chapel door that opens of it's own accord. Probably a draft though .

The phrases "passed", "passed away" and "loved ones" are all completely ghastly, so I hope that any funeral arranger I have to deal with would use the correct, factual language, ie "dead". Yes, read the cues, but not everyone wants to deal in euphemisms.

Thanks for sharing all of this. I was touched to read you give a final bow of respect to the deceased as they leave in the hearse. Lost my dad recently and it's a lovely thought.

@Hbh17

The phrases "passed", "passed away" and "loved ones" are all completely ghastly, so I hope that any funeral arranger I have to deal with would use the correct, factual language, ie "dead". Yes, read the cues, but not everyone wants to deal in euphemisms.

Every family is different. Some come in in floods of tears, others are very together and factual and it's part of our job to 'read' the family and deal with them in the appropriate manner. The first cues are given during that initial contact and we will listen to the language being used by the family and determine our approach from that.

Some people can barely breathe on their first call they are so distraught, so a lot of patience and understanding is necessary to get any detail at all from the caller.

@CatFacePoodle

Thanks for sharing all of this. I was touched to read you give a final bow of respect to the deceased as they leave in the hearse. Lost my dad recently and it's a lovely thought.

Always a final bow as a mark of respect as we send them on their final journey. I don't know if all funeral homes do this, but it's something we choose to do as a company.

When entering the chapel (if there is a deceased in there for a viewing) then we always knock before entering too. Not like they're going to say 'come in' or anything, but again, just a respect thing.

And sorry for your loss too @CatFacePoodle. Lost my own dad not too long back and I've found it a comfort to see the care and dignity afforded to the deceased in the funeral home (in my company anyway).

The kindest person I ever encountered (on phone) but never met was a funeral director.

When we went to see my Granda (more than once) I loved that they knocked on the door and checked he was in before opening it fully for us.

@tara66

The kindest person I ever encountered (on phone) but never met was a funeral director.

It's certainly not a job for everyone. Most of us do it because we love what we do, which sounds weird when you're dealing with death and grief, but it's so rewarding being able to help families at one of the worst times of their lives, and honestly a real honour to be trusted to look after their loved one (sorry, that euphemism again, but I'm not going to say Dead Person!) We certainly don't do it for the money, it's not well paid.

Pleased you had a good one @tara66. Some are rude and shouldn't be doing the job.

Has there really been a massive increase in vaccine-related deaths? Asking for a friend...

My dad died during first lockdown. Cause of death was a chest infection and dementia. We were not allowed to send clothes for him to be dressed in because of Covid. I even offered to buy a brand new suit etc and have it sent directly from the store but the funeral director said it was against the rules. It still bothers me today. What would he have been wearing in the coffin? Was it really against the rules? It was bad enough that we were only allowed ten at the funeral without knowing he wasn't in a suit (as he always was very well dressed).

I don't really have a question but I just want to say you sound like a lovely caring person .

My father died in late 2020 of hospital acquired covid . He had very little communication with them dad was alone when he took his last breath . We were not told by the hospital how ill he was , was only told via a phone call an hour after he died . It was a horrendous.

The funeral home that my mother chose showed more care and respect to my dad than his time at the hospital. He was embalmed and I saw him for the last time in the funersl home which I placed his birthday cards in for him .
They were so lovely and my dad looked just like he was sleeping .

So thank you for doing the job you do in looking after our loved ones to take them on their final journey .

@BellatricksStrange

Has there really been a massive increase in vaccine-related deaths? Asking for a friend...

As in Covid vaccine? None related to the vaccines that I'm aware of. In 2020 the numbers increased alarmingly due to people having Covid itself. Most of our deceased now are natural illnesses, but not many attributed to Covid.

@Magissa

My dad died during first lockdown. Cause of death was a chest infection and dementia. We were not allowed to send clothes for him to be dressed in because of Covid. I even offered to buy a brand new suit etc and have it sent directly from the store but the funeral director said it was against the rules. It still bothers me today. What would he have been wearing in the coffin? Was it really against the rules? It was bad enough that we were only allowed ten at the funeral without knowing he wasn't in a suit (as he always was very well dressed).

I'm sorry for your loss @Magissa, and that this is troubling you. Your DF would have been dressed in a silk gown instead. The reason for not dressing him in his own clothes would have been because the directions given to funeral directors was not to handle the deceased too much, or more than necessary, due to the risk of infection. As you can appreciate, the dressing of someone not alive, and unable to cooperate, can be tricky. The guidance has changed and now we're allowed to accept the deceased's own clothing but we have to ask the family for permission to cut it at the back if necessary, so it can be placed over the top and around the sides of the body without having to move them about too much.

@Sorrynotsorry2

I don't really have a question but I just want to say you sound like a lovely caring person .

My father died in late 2020 of hospital acquired covid . He had very little communication with them dad was alone when he took his last breath . We were not told by the hospital how ill he was , was only told via a phone call an hour after he died . It was a horrendous.

The funeral home that my mother chose showed more care and respect to my dad than his time at the hospital. He was embalmed and I saw him for the last time in the funersl home which I placed his birthday cards in for him .
They were so lovely and my dad looked just like he was sleeping .

So thank you for doing the job you do in looking after our loved ones to take them on their final journey .

That breaks my heart @Sorrynotsorry2 and I can't imagine not being with your father at the end. I get why hospitals weren't allowed to let people in, but that doesn't make it any easier for the families.

I'm pleased you got to see him one last time to say your goodbyes. Not the same I'm sure, but hopefully you took some comfort from it.

Have you had more funerals to do since Covid started or are the amount of funerals still around pre-covid levels?

@AdmiralCain

Have you had more funerals to do since Covid started or are the amount of funerals still around pre-covid levels?

Hi @AdmiralCain

In 2020 the numbers increased significantly. They started to calm down in 2021 and are now back to pre-Covid levels I'd say.

@Sausagedogsarethebest - you sound very empathetic and courteous. Regrettably these are rare traits in your industry. Things have been so bad in the sector generally that even this dysfunctional government noticed, and commissioned a study:
www.gov.uk/cma-cases/funerals-market-study
The CMA have made recommendations, but continue to have “serious concerns”.

When my father died they “lost” his passport and also his ashes. It was terrible, and came at a time when I simply didn’t have the strength to escalate matters or complain.

@Sausagedogsarethebest

And sorry for your loss too *@CatFacePoodle*. Lost my own dad not too long back and I've found it a comfort to see the care and dignity afforded to the deceased in the funeral home (in my company anyway).

When we met the Funeral Director after my DH passed away, he mentioned in conversation that he introduced DH to the other people he had in his care. I thought that was lovely, he said he had always done it.

[quote FortVictoria]@Sausagedogsarethebest - you sound very empathetic and courteous. Regrettably these are rare traits in your industry. Things have been so bad in the sector generally that even this dysfunctional government noticed, and commissioned a study:
www.gov.uk/cma-cases/funerals-market-study
The CMA have made recommendations, but continue to have “serious concerns”.

When my father died they “lost” his passport and also his ashes. It was terrible, and came at a time when I simply didn’t have the strength to escalate matters or complain.[/quote]
I agree @FortVictoria, there are still bad ones out there sadly.

The funeral director who handled your DF's funeral must have had some bad practices to lose those items. The passport is bad enough, but to lose his ashes too?? When one of our team collects from a Crematorium they have the ashes signed over to them and they are then transported straight to a central point, signed in to the ashes register and kept under lock and key. From there they will be transported to the branch that handled the funeral. At all times the ashes are signed out/back in to the relevant ashes register, and always kept in a locked cabinet. We have to treat the ashes respectfully - they're the cremated remains of a person - and know where they are at all times. Shocking that they got lost. Did they ever locate them?

When we met the Funeral Director after my DH passed away, he mentioned in conversation that he introduced DH to the other people he had in his care. I thought that was lovely, he said he had always done it.

I love that! When I'm meeting a family and doing an arrangement I always start by asking them to tell me a bit about their loved one (if they're emotions will let them). We like to treat every deceased as an individual, and a person, not just another body. Everyone in our care is talked to as though they're still alive.

You sound like an incredibly caring person and as someone who has lost someone recently, I can only thank people like yourself who make the process somewhat easier. For me, it was just little things like the funeral director going to get my Mum as soon as possible from the hospital and always referring to her as my Mum. It brought a lot of comfort that he did that and I knew she was somewhere safe even though Covid was around that she wasn’t stuck at the hospital waiting to be collected.
Honestly, keep doing what you are doing and you sound brilliant! When you have lost someone as you can appreciate your brain is just swirling with things that need doing, it really does help when someone takes control!

I'm going to be really crass and ask how much a good funeral will cost. A cremation where every extra is added on.

Very sadly my MIL has been diagnosed terminal and has no funeral plan. DH and I have agreed to set aside a sum to accommodate but no one is ready to discuss this with her or the other siblings yet. Ever pragmatic, I would like to know how much she will need so it's available without any stress for lovely MIL's final wishes.

I have two questions
1 ashes - can you just get rid? I'd have no attachment to remains and would never collect them!
2 what's the stangest/funniest music you've ever had to use? - my (proper) cockney third cousin went into the flames to "roll out the barrel". 38 years later it's still funny but he wanted us to smile.

Such an interesting line of work! What made you choose it?