I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

Why are funerals held so long after a person dies in the UK? I live in New Zealand now, and funerals tend to be held a few days after someone dies, and it made me wonder why the timeline is so much longer back home.

This is such an insightful thread, thank you @Sausagedogsarethebest

@bloodywhitecat

My DH is terminally ill, I am going to have to think about his funeral in the next few weeks/months. He was going to buy a prepaid plan but would it be better not to do this now? How do I find a good funeral director? I know he wouldn't want any religious references in his funeral so can I just have a humanist type person (sorry if that's not the right term), how do I find someone? All these questions play on my mind late at night early hours of the morning. I feel I should know the answers but I don't and I don't know who to ask.

@bloodywhitecat I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be incredibly difficult for you.

Try Googling a few local funeral directors. We always ask clients to do a review as our business depends on positive recommendations from our customers. See what others have written. If your DH still has a few months then you could consider a pre-paid plan as they're usually a bit cheaper than at-need prices. You need to pay it off in full though to reap all the benefits.

You can have a humanist/celebrant to conduct the service and they'll design it to your wishes. If you don't want anything religious then they won't add it. Your chosen funeral director will already work with a number of celebrants so they will be able to choose one for you. I always wait until I've met my family until I decide who to approach as they all have different strengths and I will have a good idea who will suit. If you don't like the one they choose don't be afraid to say, actually that one isn't quite right, can you please choose someone else.

Your funeral director is there to support and guide you and answer all your questions. You'd be surprised how many people come through the door who have never had to arrange a funeral and don't know where to begin. Never feel afraid to ask anything. There's no such thing as a stupid question. I wish you strength in the coming weeks/months .

[quote ParkheadParadise]**@Sausagedogsarethebest
Do you always carry out the relative's wishes?

When my dd died we were not able to see her (closed coffin). The funeral director was brilliant and let us come in anytime and sit with her. I took in her jammies, fluffy dressing gown and slippers plus photos and personal items. On the day of the funeral, the undertaker said to me dd is all cosy in her jammies and dressing gown.
This probably sounds mad but I didn't believe that they would have dressed her in her jammies because no one would know!!! It's 6 years ago and its something I still think about.
When the family can't see their loved one do you really dress them in what the family want.
Please be honest I won't be upset.[/quote]
Hi @ParkheadParadise, I'm so sorry for the loss of your DD.

Yes, if it's legal and permissible we will carry out the wishes. The deceased are always dressed in the clothes that are brought in for them. I've had a family bring in a full suit, overcoat, hat and boots and, although it was hard work for the operatives to get all that on the deceased, they absolutely did it. I'm sure your DD will have had her jammies on. The only time we've not been able to do it was at the beginning of Covid. If it was a Covid death the guidance at the time was not to dress in their own clothes to avoid over handling the deceased, but those rules have changed now.

@CrimbleCrumble1

Are the ashes definitely the right ones?

Yes they will certainly be the right ashes. Every body is cremated individually and there are stringent processes at the crematorium to ensure the ashes returned are the correct ones. They're labelled and logged very carefully every step of the way until they're returned to the family.

@Minimananna

Why are funerals held so long after a person dies in the UK? I live in New Zealand now, and funerals tend to be held a few days after someone dies, and it made me wonder why the timeline is so much longer back home.

Our processes are slow in the UK, especially if it's a cremation. We can't book the date until we have the certificate from the registrar, and we also have to have a form completed by the doctor. Hospitals aren't too bad but if the firm is being done by a GP then it can be incredibly frustrating getting them to do it in a timely manner. Then the crematoriums are busy and unless you want a 9am slot or 4pm they you're lucky to get anything within 10 working days. Lastly your funeral director has to schedule everything in very carefully. If they're very busy this may mean hiring in additional vehicles or bearers to cope with the demand.

@Okla

This is such an insightful thread, thank you *@Sausagedogsarethebest*

You're welcome. I hope people are finding it useful.

Another one finding this thread comforting and interesting.

Can I ask has anything ever gone wrong with arrangements? And if so, are people reasonable about it given the circumstances? I ask because at a family funeral we had arranged for my aunt to drive past her place of work, and her colleagues were going to be outside to wave her off. Due to a mix up with the times (not the funeral directors fault, the employer was at fault) no one was there. I thought my mum would go mad but she was weirdly calm about it. I wondered whether other people reacted in the same way of “someone has died so do things going wrong with the funeral matter in the scheme of things” or whether people are already under a lot of stress and therefore react particularly badly

I was going to ask why funerals take so long in the UK but see you've just answered it. I would find that very very upsetting. I lost my mum and a sibling recently and in Ireland they are buried a few days after. It must be very hard to grieve knowing you've a funeral to attend to weeks later, I think I would have found that awful.

Do people have "wakes" in their own homes?

Thanks for your responses to both my questions sausages.

@CorneliusVetch

Another one finding this thread comforting and interesting.

Can I ask has anything ever gone wrong with arrangements? And if so, are people reasonable about it given the circumstances? I ask because at a family funeral we had arranged for my aunt to drive past her place of work, and her colleagues were going to be outside to wave her off. Due to a mix up with the times (not the funeral directors fault, the employer was at fault) no one was there. I thought my mum would go mad but she was weirdly calm about it. I wondered whether other people reacted in the same way of “someone has died so do things going wrong with the funeral matter in the scheme of things” or whether people are already under a lot of stress and therefore react particularly badly

Yes unfortunately things do go wrong sometimes. But it's not always something within our control. For example where I am, if an accident closes the Dartford tunnel then the knock on effect on the roads can cause horrendous delays. We always allow plenty of time to get to a crematorium or church but not hours, obviously.

One funeral the celebrant didn't do a good job of keeping everything on schedule. They allowed too many family members to speak and too many pieces of music, so the ceremony overran and the crematorium charged an additional fee. It also caused distress to the next family as their funeral started late. Depends on what the issue is, how the family reacts.

@seething1234

I was going to ask why funerals take so long in the UK but see you've just answered it. I would find that very very upsetting. I lost my mum and a sibling recently and in Ireland they are buried a few days after. It must be very hard to grieve knowing you've a funeral to attend to weeks later, I think I would have found that awful.

Do people have "wakes" in their own homes?

Im not sure if you're meaning the gathering after the funeral, or a watch over the coffin before a funeral as both can be referred to as a wake. Regardless, both are sometimes held in the home. In the Muslim faith for example it's customary for the coffin to be taken into the home and the family to pay respects over the open casket before it's taken to the temple.

Thank you for this thread Sausagedogsarethebest. It’s very informative.

When I die I only want close family members to be at the service. I want the cheapest funeral as possible. I have very little money/assets to leave to my children and grandchildren and I don’t want my funeral costs to mean I had nothing to leave them.

Is it becoming the “norm” for people to keep the cost as low as possible now?

@Sausagedogsarethebest Thank you so much, I used to work in a children's hospice and, as part of our training, we spent some time at a local crematorium and I was blown away by the care taken over each and every coffin. It now feels very scary and lonely to be on this side of fence though.

@MillieMoonbeam

Thank you for this thread Sausagedogsarethebest. It’s very informative.

When I die I only want close family members to be at the service. I want the cheapest funeral as possible. I have very little money/assets to leave to my children and grandchildren and I don’t want my funeral costs to mean I had nothing to leave them.

Is it becoming the “norm” for people to keep the cost as low as possible now?

Hi @MillieMoonbeam, I think it's a symptom of the Covid period. Lots of people have lost jobs or been on furlough and money has been extremely tight. Now energy prices and the cost of living is rising and were being squeezed more than ever, so smaller, more economical funerals are more popular than they've ever been. There's no shame in going for the cheaper/cheapest options, and we never ever judge. Some folk would rather have minimal spend on the funeral and have some sort of memorial gathering later to remember their loved one, which is also a lovely idea.

When my son died the funeral arrangers/directors could not have been more helpful. They went out of their way to help and did everything they could to make things as easy as possible for us.
I sent them a thank you card afterwards and some in my family thought that was weird but it really made the worst time of our life not worse if that makes sense.

And they didn't even make any money out of us as they didn't charge . I do wonder at times when the cut off age for charging is. I know there has to be one but what a choice to make.

Was I weird or do people sometimes send thank you cards ?

[quote bloodywhitecat]@Sausagedogsarethebest Thank you so much, I used to work in a children's hospice and, as part of our training, we spent some time at a local crematorium and I was blown away by the care taken over each and every coffin. It now feels very scary and lonely to be on this side of fence though.[/quote]
I should think that's a difficult job to do @bloodywhitecat, looking after youngsters who are so ill.

One of the things that has shocked me most about this job is the ages of some of the deceased. I thought it would be all elderly people we were looking after but it's not at all. There are a fair amount of babies and even the adults can be in their 30s or 40s. Always tragic when the individual is young and hasn't really lived a life. It's taught me that we aren't guaranteed an old age and we should make the most of every day.

I thought embalming was commonly done in America but rarely in the UK?

@Timetobuckup

When my son died the funeral arrangers/directors could not have been more helpful. They went out of their way to help and did everything they could to make things as easy as possible for us. I sent them a thank you card afterwards and some in my family thought that was weird but it really made the worst time of our life not worse if that makes sense.

And they didn't even make any money out of us as they didn't charge . I do wonder at times when the cut off age for charging is. I know there has to be one but what a choice to make.

Was I weird or do people sometimes send thank you cards ?

Children under the age of 18 have free funerals. The funeral director and cemetery or Crematorium do not charge either but we can claim back costs from the government. Our celebrants usually won't charge for a child's funeral either. It goes without saying these are for standard services. If you want a horse drawn or something extravagant then there would be some costs. Also extras like releasing doves would be at cost.

It was lovely of you to send a card to your funeral director and not weird at all. We get lots of thank you cards and letters and getting that feedback and knowing we've done something to ease the burden on the family is what makes it all worthwhile.

@Jjjayfee

I thought embalming was commonly done in America but rarely in the UK?

Embalming is quite common in the UK. We strongly recommend it if you're planning to visit your loved one in chapel (reasons in an earlier post). It's not essential if you're not going to make visits. Some eco burials won't allow embalming either.

@Sausagedogsarethebest Unlike adult hospices, most of our young people were life limited (not expected to live past 20 in our case) rather than at the end of their life so lots of our work was respite based rather looking after children who were in the last days of life. We also looked after children after they had died as families often wanted a more homely setting and they had comfort in knowing we were there with their child 24/7. It was hard at times but it is something I would go back to in a heartbeat as I felt we made such a difference to our families. I lost a sister when I was a late teen and she was not quite 3, it made me want to do things better for others that found themselves in the situation we'd been in.

Such an interesting and informative thread. Thank you OP.

I have to say I have quite a dark humour and I know if you knocked on the door at the Chapel of rest, I would get the giggles 😃. But nit in a bad way, it would just lighten the mood and make things more bareable

@Hbh17

The phrases "passed", "passed away" and "loved ones" are all completely ghastly, so I hope that any funeral arranger I have to deal with would use the correct, factual language, ie "dead". Yes, read the cues, but not everyone wants to deal in euphemisms.

I hate the expression "passed" It seems to be the word of the moment when talking of people who have died

Thank you, this has been a fascinating thread.

When I was at school I wanted to do work experience in our local funeral directors but was not allowed (for obvious reasons).

Having quite a lot of experience of attending funerals I often think that your role would be one I was interested in, so it was interesting to hear that you didn't have precious experience/specific qualification for the role.

This is a very timely thread for me, and I wonder if you can help. Just today I picked up my late family member's ashes from the undertaker - their wish was for their ashes to be scattered abroad. I have all the documentation from the undertaker, and crematorium , and a death certificate, and I have made all the necessary enquiries with the airline. The airlines say the ashes must be in a sealed container. The ashes themselves are inside what I would describe as a thick paper bag which is stapled across the top which in turn is in a firmly closed up thick cardboard box. Nothing will get out! Is that sufficient for the plane, do you know? Thank you 😊