I'm a funeral arranger, AMA

[Sausagedogsarethebest]

There have been a number of threads about funerals in recent weeks. If you have any questions about the arranging of a funeral, ask away...

what a very interesting thread by sausagedog. Thankyou.

We lost my sister last week, a big shock as it was unexpected. The funeral home have been amazing, but it's all so costly (not unjustly so).

So, my question is, what happens if the family of the deceased cant afford to pay for the funeral and the deceased has no estate to take it from?

It's been playing on my mind as although my sisters is covered from her substantial estate, my brother, who keeps threatening to commit suicide, has nothing. Not even 2 pennies to rub together, and as a family we could afford the £3‐£4k required should he follow through on his threats

*couldn't afford it that should say

@frogsbreath

I'm going to be really crass and ask how much a good funeral will cost. A cremation where every extra is added on.

Very sadly my MIL has been diagnosed terminal and has no funeral plan. DH and I have agreed to set aside a sum to accommodate but no one is ready to discuss this with her or the other siblings yet. Ever pragmatic, I would like to know how much she will need so it's available without any stress for lovely MIL's final wishes.

Hi @frogsbreath, sorry to hear your MIL is so ill.

It varies so much depending on location. Where I am you'd be looking at anything between £2,600-£4000 for funeral directors fees (including motor hearse, a limo and a basic oak effect coffin) and probably another £1200 for crematorium, celebrant, doctor's fees. You can of course have tons of extras such as a webcast, a professional video tribute in the crem, doves being released...it's endless.

Have a think about what you would like then I would recommend calling round a few to compare their pricing and get a feel for the person answering the phone. We're used to people asking in advance of a death. Look at their websites too, as a lot of FDs now post their fees online.

Are you worried about dying? Do you imagine what will happen to you when you die?

@MenaiMna

I have two questions 1 ashes - can you just get rid? I'd have no attachment to remains and would never collect them! 2 what's the stangest/funniest music you've ever had to use? - my (proper) cockney third cousin went into the flames to "roll out the barrel". 38 years later it's still funny but he wanted us to smile.

Hi @MenaiMna

Ashes can be left at the crematorium and scattered on their garden of remembrance. You don't have to be present. You'd be surprised at how many people don't collect ashes, considering how much they spend on the funeral. I have some in my cupboard dating back to 2013 .

I love the music requests because they vary so much. I've had 'My Old Man's a Dustman' and 'Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside' requested. Ed Sheeran's Supermarket Flowers is popular. A friend of mine had Always Look On The Bright SIde Of Life from Life of Brian at hers.

@Butteryflakycrust83

Such an interesting line of work! What made you choose it?

I spent a long while working for a huge multi-national and hated it. When my DF died I was sitting in the arrangement and thinking "I could do this". It was several years later after being made redundant that I saw this job advertised and thought why not? Fortunately, although I didn't have any experience of arranging funerals, I had the right skills needed - organisation/empathy/patience etc. - and got the job. Been doing it a few years now and really enjoy it.

My dad did some work for a local funeral director and absolutely loved it. It might seem a bit odd to say that, but he liked the thought that he was helping people at a terrible time for them, and doing what he could to give them comfort.

He did quite a few recoveries - fetching the deceased back home if they'd died whilst on holiday for example (we're in Yorkshire).

He once had to recover a lady from Eastbourne, and after collecting her he made sure that he took her for one last drive along the sea front before heading back :-)

Thank you
I can't believe I never thought to check out websites, I had no idea it was freely spoken about. I thought it was prices on enquiry sort of thing.

We just assumed we would use the same company as the family have before (but those relatives had bought funeral plans there).

It does seem crass to speak about cost but I don't want my DH to fear finding thousands of pounds at once because siblings will not be able to contribute and we would never have lovely MIL worried about it either.

I think we should be talking about funeral plans to young people at the same time we discuss pensions.

@Nidan2Sandan

We lost my sister last week, a big shock as it was unexpected. The funeral home have been amazing, but it's all so costly (not unjustly so).

So, my question is, what happens if the family of the deceased cant afford to pay for the funeral and the deceased has no estate to take it from?

It's been playing on my mind as although my sisters is covered from her substantial estate, my brother, who keeps threatening to commit suicide, has nothing. Not even 2 pennies to rub together, and as a family we could afford the £3‐£4k required should he follow through on his threats

HI @Nidan2Sandan. I'm sorry to hear of your loss. All the more tragic when it's unexpected. Very sad to hear your DB has MH issues too and is threatening to take his own life. Sending a big hug to you.

If the family has no funds themselves we can work with the bank (if the deceased had the funds) or with the solicitors if it's to come from their estate. If those aren't options, and the family is receiving benefits, then the DWP will help with costs. Alternatively we can recommend a funeral finance company that helps families spread the cost in monthly instalments. I truly hope your DB gets the help he needs and doesn't follow through with his threats. Tough times for you .

@OliveHenry

My dad did some work for a local funeral director and absolutely loved it. It might seem a bit odd to say that, but he liked the thought that he was helping people at a terrible time for them, and doing what he could to give them comfort.

He did quite a few recoveries - fetching the deceased back home if they'd died whilst on holiday for example (we're in Yorkshire).

He once had to recover a lady from Eastbourne, and after collecting her he made sure that he took her for one last drive along the sea front before heading back :-)

I get you @OliveHenry. I feel strange saying I love my job, but it's very rewarding and so much better than the corporate career I had previously.

I love your story about your DF taking the lady on a last drive along the sea front. Sounds like he has the right caring qualities for a job like this.

@frogsbreath

Thank you I can't believe I never thought to check out websites, I had no idea it was freely spoken about. I thought it was prices on enquiry sort of thing.

We just assumed we would use the same company as the family have before (but those relatives had bought funeral plans there).

It does seem crass to speak about cost but I don't want my DH to fear finding thousands of pounds at once because siblings will not be able to contribute and we would never have lovely MIL worried about it either.

I think we should be talking about funeral plans to young people at the same time we discuss pensions.

Absolutely we should talk about this more. It's one of those subjects that is a little taboo, but I see so many families come in who say "I don't have a clue where to start". They have enough going on dealing with the death and all of a sudden they have to think about what their family member would want from a funeral, what music etc. It's a lot of pressure. It's only since doing this job that I've come to realise the value of a pre-paid funeral plan. As well as paying in advance (and getting a saving) you can specify what you'd actually like - do you want to allow chapel visits, what music you'd like, you can choose your own coffin etc. Saves the family a lot of heartache having to do it once you're gone.

@Sausagedogsarethebest this is what worries me. He doesnt or rather wont claim benefits, but we literally dont have money to pay towards even a payment plan.

Has the pandemic changed how much people adopt for 'trimmings'?

I am a verger for many funerals, and I cannot remember the last time I saw limos to transport the family. They just use their own cars. I don't recall seeing more than two or three floral arrangements.

This is a fascinating thread. I have a question . Don't want to sound insensitive but I was with a very close loved one at the end. She had terminal cancer. She had an enormous amount of fluid collected in her abdomen at her death. I declined the option of having visitors while she was in the Chapel of rest , I felt it more appropriate for her to be remembered as she was when she was in good health. I want to ask, would the undertakers drain off this fluid when preparing her for the funeral?

I’d like the Sunscreen song played at my funeral, would that be weird?

@LittleSnakes

Are you worried about dying? Do you imagine what will happen to you when you die?

No, I'm not worried about dying, though I don't want to die yet - too young.

I guess I know what will happen to me at the funeral home. Weird thing is, one of the benefits of the job is that my funeral would be free (funeral directors fees only) but I wouldn't want my colleagues to see my dead body. I know I wouldn't want chapel visits because I don't want to be embalmed.

Why don’t you want to be embalmed?

@CraftyGin

Has the pandemic changed how much people adopt for 'trimmings'?

I am a verger for many funerals, and I cannot remember the last time I saw limos to transport the family. They just use their own cars. I don't recall seeing more than two or three floral arrangements.

Without a doubt funerals are expensive and people are trimming off anything unnecessary. You're right that less limos are being booked and we also see fewer floral arrangements. WIth the cost of living going up again I expect that to continue.

I have been seeing a lot of adverts for low-cost, pre-paid cremation services. What is your view of these organisations, OP? Are they a growing sector of the industry? I can completely understand that some people might want a simple no-fuss cremation.

@Georgeskitchen

This is a fascinating thread. I have a question . Don't want to sound insensitive but I was with a very close loved one at the end. She had terminal cancer. She had an enormous amount of fluid collected in her abdomen at her death. I declined the option of having visitors while she was in the Chapel of rest , I felt it more appropriate for her to be remembered as she was when she was in good health. I want to ask, would the undertakers drain off this fluid when preparing her for the funeral?

Sorry for your loss @Georgeskitchen. No the undertaker wouldn't drain it manually but the body often purges excess fluid. Needless to say we do our best to prevent any leakage, whether that's wrapping limbs in bandages, or using other methods to stop the purging (dependent on where the fluid is originating from). You can Google if you want more info on that, this thread is not the place to go into detail.

@CrimbleCrumble1

I’d like the Sunscreen song played at my funeral, would that be weird?

Nothing is weird, we're all individuals. I love it when someone requests something a bit different.

@LittleSnakes

Why don’t you want to be embalmed?

Because I don't want my loved ones left behind to see me lying in my coffin, and if you're not having chapel visits it's not really necessary. It's invasive and I'd like as little done to my body after death as possible.

@PlanetNormal

I have been seeing a lot of adverts for low-cost, pre-paid cremation services. What is your view of these organisations, OP? Are they a growing sector of the industry? I can completely understand that some people might want a simple no-fuss cremation.

You're right, there do seem to be more adverts for direct-to-cremation services. There are organisations that specialise in these, but regular funeral directors offer the service too. I can see why they're popular. A lot of people don't want tons of money being spent on a funeral and that's a personal choice that I respect. Personally I'd go to a regular funeral director to get that service as all the deceased in their care will receive the same level of care, regardless of whether they're having an attended service or direct-to-crem. I think some of the organisations that specialise are doing the bare minimum to cut costs.