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AMA

I used to be a sex worker, ask me anything

385 replies

FeminismIsForALLWomen · 09/10/2020 20:08

For 12 years I worked as an escort, I also did occasional phone & cam work. I varied between working full time and part time, but around half was full time and the other half part time.

I've been put off doing one of these because of how they usually go but I'm always banging on about people making assumptions about sex workers and accepting stereotypes about us so I might as well.

To be clear, this is a thread for people who want to ask questions, not for people who just want to make a point about sex work or sex workers.

Anyway, if anybody cares...ask away

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Typicalmale · 13/10/2020 23:16

How do you feel about guys who use prostitutes ?

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 13/10/2020 23:24

Mose I thought you might. I ended up paying for counselling privately because I had a huge problem with an NHS therapist making assumptions about sex workers and their histories, to the extent where she told me I must be in denial about my own history (I wasn't). It's the reason why a lot of sex workers lie about their jobs to health professionals, because they have often made up their minds about us and have decided that every problem we face in life is because of our jobs. I was usually honest about my job but learned it was just easier to lie about it to a doctor even if I had an entirely non work related complaint.

I'm not saying that you are like this, but your question and the justification that you've given for asking it is worrying. I really hope that you would be able to treat a sex worker as an individual without thinking "It must be abuse, they're all abused". The assumptions are damaging and prevent a lot of us from coming to you for stuff that's not anything to do with sex work, and if we do we just lie about what we do. I'm grateful I found a therapist who was truly sex worker friendly because if I hadn't I wouldn't have got anywhere.

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Horseshoe5 · 13/10/2020 23:29

Did you ever get a client who you felt wasn't attracted to you as a woman?

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 13/10/2020 23:31

Sorry op another question: what happens if they only last 30 seconds? Do they stay and chat or slither off hanging their head in shame? And do they shower before they go home?
Feel sorry for anyone who slept with my ex...an hour of “it might go hard if you suck it” followed by 20 seconds of frantic 90mph pumping then he’d often fart as he reached his goal

@serenegiraffe Don't apologise, I'll answer you anything x.

If they only last 30 seconds it depends on the guy and how long they've booked, if it's half an hour they'll usually leave, if it's an hour they'll usually stay looking for another go (whether they can can manage it or not). I'd always offer a shower before they left assuming they hadn't taken the piss with time, some took it some didn't.

I've heard "It might go hard if you suck it" more than a few times, and yes it's a fucking nightmare

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MissConductUS · 13/10/2020 23:31

I come across sex workers in my job (health professional) Every single one has either a history of sexual trauma/drug addiction or trafficking.

Did it not occur to you that if you were seeing them professionally it couldn't be a random sample and thus impossible to generalize from?

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 13/10/2020 23:41

How do you feel when you get a really ugly, sweaty, basically revolting man with terrible breath/teeth because I know I would run away screaming.

It happened more often in brothels than in indie work, I'm guessing because they thought we wouldn't refuse them in brothels.

Ugly doesn't bother me at all, I don't care about looks. Sweaty is fine because you can ask them to shower before and make sure they wash. Bad breath is my nightmare though and I hated it. I'd have mouthwash but if they refused to use it or it didn't help I either wouldn't kiss them or avoid kissing them. Sometimes the avoidance wasn't enough and I had to tell them no, I won't kiss you at all.

If I ever had an enquiry from someone asking if I always did DFK (deep french kissing) or if it was discretionary I just knew they'd had someone else tell them they wouldn't kiss them because of their breath.

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Natsel84 · 13/10/2020 23:44

No judgement here . I think your an amazing person by answering all questions given to you . Hats off to you .

My question would be ( sorry if it sounds daft ) but can you separate having sex to making love ? I know its completely different but do sometimes the lines become blurred from a partner to a client. Or can you separate the two different emotions ?

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 13/10/2020 23:50

How do you feel about guys who use prostitutes ?

Firstly, I have a problem with people who say 'use prostitutes/escorts'. They're paying for services and the phrase seems quite dehumanising when talking about personal services.

As to how I feel about men who pay for sex, it varies. I think men who seek out vulnerable women to pay for sex are absolute scum. They look for vulnerable women so they can push boundaries and feel power over them and that is what they get off on. Men who look for, as an example, an independent to pay for sex from are very different, and I believe it's very possible to have respect for someone you've paid for sex.

These are two ends of a spectrum and there are shades of grey in between, there's no hard and fast rules about men who pay for sex.

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 13/10/2020 23:55

Did you ever get a client who you felt wasn't attracted to you as a woman?

Yes. I've had clients who were obviously disappointed with how I looked or acted in person, they all still had a go though. I don't think my photos were ever that unrealistic but some people fantasize too much before they arrive and expected me to be exactly how I was in their head.

I've also had a couple of clients who I think weren't attracted to women at all but were trying to force themselves. I felt terrible for them.

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 13/10/2020 23:58

Did it not occur to you that if you were seeing them professionally it couldn't be a random sample and thus impossible to generalize from?

@MissConductUS you'd think that would be obvious, but apparently not. It's one of the main reasons sex workers can have such a shitty time with health professionals, in my opinion.

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 14/10/2020 00:05

My question would be ( sorry if it sounds daft ) but can you separate having sex to making love ? I know its completely different but do sometimes the lines become blurred from a partner to a client. Or can you separate the two different emotions ?

@Natsel84 In my personal life I can't have casual sex, it's always associated with emotion for me, which I like.

At work I never became involved with a client because I just don't view 'work sex' to be the same as sex in my personal life. There have been a couple of times that I've sensed a connection but I've never crossed the boundary between work and personal.

I like having the distinction between emotional sex with partners and the sex I had at work.

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serenegiraffe · 14/10/2020 00:38

@FeminismIsForALLWomen

Sorry op another question: what happens if they only last 30 seconds? Do they stay and chat or slither off hanging their head in shame? And do they shower before they go home?
Feel sorry for anyone who slept with my ex...an hour of “it might go hard if you suck it” followed by 20 seconds of frantic 90mph pumping then he’d often fart as he reached his goal

*@serenegiraffe* Don't apologise, I'll answer you anything x.

If they only last 30 seconds it depends on the guy and how long they've booked, if it's half an hour they'll usually leave, if it's an hour they'll usually stay looking for another go (whether they can can manage it or not). I'd always offer a shower before they left assuming they hadn't taken the piss with time, some took it some didn't.

I've heard "It might go hard if you suck it" more than a few times, and yes it's a fucking nightmare

@FeminismIsForALLWomen
Thank you op 💐 you may regret saying that I have a couple more questions

but would it be ok to pm you as I really don't want to out myself on here

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MissConductUS · 14/10/2020 01:14

@MissConductUS you'd think that would be obvious, but apparently not. It's one of the main reasons sex workers can have such a shitty time with health professionals, in my opinion.

I'm an RN, so please accept my apologies for the disrespectful treatment you have received. I'm an American and have treated many sex workers over the years. It's been my experience that they are not discriminated against or judged during the provision of care here in the US. So my working theory is that the shabby treatment has more to do with notions of class being different in the UK rather than something intrinsic to health care workers. Mose is exhibiting confirmation bias. It's a bit like a psychiatrist saying "the world's gone mad".

To the sanctimonious pearl clutchers, I would point out that Jesus befriended sex workers. Think a bit on that example.

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LaraLuce · 14/10/2020 01:34

Did you worry about contracting STDs such as herpes, warts and syphilis, given that condoms don't protect against these?

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pontiouspilates · 14/10/2020 07:51

Thank you OP for such an interesting post. You have been remarkably patient with some very rude and judgy posters throughout the thread. I don't have a question, but have found the whole thread really interesting.

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 14/10/2020 08:49

@serenegiraffe of course you can.

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 14/10/2020 09:01

Did you worry about contracting STDs such as herpes, warts and syphilis, given that condoms don't protect against these?

A sexual health nurse told me it's rare for those to be passed on without an outbreak so it wasn't a huge concern. More worrying is the number of people who don't know how to have safe sex properly and the amount of sexually active people who don't get tested because they think STI's are only for sex workers!

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 14/10/2020 09:04

So my working theory is that the shabby treatment has more to do with notions of class being different in the UK rather than something intrinsic to health care workers

You may be right there. I should say also that I've had some fantastic and genuinely non judgemental care so I agree that it's a problem with a lot of people, not just health care workers. Good to hear it's better in the US.

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EmeraldShamrock · 14/10/2020 09:45

Feel sorry for anyone who slept with my ex...an hour of “it might go hard if you suck it” followed by 20 seconds of frantic 90mph pumping then he’d often fart as he reached his goal
Thankfully he is an ex. 🤮😉

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SD1978 · 14/10/2020 09:46

How easy did you find it to pretend to enjoy the company of someone you have no physical attraction too? Age, weight, etc.

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Neotraditional · 14/10/2020 10:21

@JKRforPM

You seem to think that people who disagree with the normalisation of prostitution are “stigmatising” women who sell sex?

I don’t think that women who sell sex are anything other than normal women. Still doesn’t mean I will support prostitution. And it shouldn’t be a choice because the proportion of women who are damaged, abused, and even killed because they are prostitutes is not worth trading off for the very rare few women who are able to work as “high class escorts”

By making prostitution seem like a choice you are simply pushing the “happy hooker” trope which endangers the thousands of women on the streets who can’t access support.

All you are doing OP is trying to make YOUR choice palatable.

I could not agree more

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FeminismIsForALLWomen · 14/10/2020 11:12

How easy did you find it to pretend to enjoy the company of someone you have no physical attraction too? Age, weight, etc

Quite easy to be honest. I found it much more difficult to put up with bad personalities.

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missusthepointagain · 21/10/2020 15:37

Hi FIFAW....

Not sure if this has been asked, but if you met someone as a potential serious partner, would their precious use of sex workers cause you any concern. Youve indicated your views regarding street workers so would assume you'd be put off by that? But what about if they had used people like yourself. I suppose I'm aski whether you think it:

Has any implications for the relationship and potential faithfulness?

Says anything about their attitude to women?

And

Whether it is always a (potential) habit as opposed to a one (or two) off.

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cluecu · 21/10/2020 21:35

Thanks for the thread, it's been really interesting

You said that you felt safer as an independent; how does that work in terms of the initial advertising to then meeting clients and then being alone with them?

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VEGAS2016 · 21/10/2020 22:21

Do you have children?

Have you ever fallen pregnant by a customer? (Condom split etc)

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