I am the mother of a trans child ...AMA

[DoryNow]

But no bun fights please, I am not a trans activist.

Are they under a specialist team and if so do you always agree with their approach?

How old?

Why do they want to change sex? As a child I was dead set on having a sex change because all my friends were boys, I preferred boys things and just didn't feel like a girl. Actually, I didn't want to be a boy at all, I just didn't want to be so bloody judged all the time! I worry how many children don't fit in to the gender stereotypes and feel they are in the wrong body because of societies expectations

Do you worry that it's a phase? Only asking as I spent most of my teenage years until I was 23 presenting as male.

How old are they? When did you or the child "notice" they were different? Do you agree?

Sorry if my terminology isn't correct.

Are they happier?

Ok hope I get all the replies in order.

Snuggybuggy yes they were & the team were very thorough in their detailed assessment before agreeing to start physical transitioning. We also had a lot of counselling while awaiting referal & my child was able to socially transition during that time, which was a great help in us all getting used to things.

Mishappening 15 when they came out to me & 21 now

leighdnglady I think the higher profile of transkids means more who are questioning feel they can discus their confusion, and explore it without taking irreversible steps. One of the common misconceptions is that very young children are easily getting hormonal or surgical treatments which is not the case, ( in the UK at least I can't comment on the US or other countries)

How do you feel about the attitudes displayed by many on the feminist board?

Is your child ftm or mtf?

Sorry trying to keep up- just lost a bloody long post!!!

*don'thugme Yes i hoped it was a phase which all transmums do I think, initially, it is not a path you would choose for your child becasue of the hug challenges mentally physically and the stigma attached to it all.

mummyhaschanged From puberty it clicked that the dysphoria was increasing & why - from 13-15 there were lots of physical problems that l now believe were the result of mental confusion & distress.

Damson yes has never wavered, some bad days still but not because of transitioning. That clarit of purpose helped me to see it was the right thing for them. The first CAHMS psychiatrist we saw said in her report she had never met such a mature & determined young person & gave them a detailed copy of the referral saying she had absolutely no reservations in recommending moving to the care of the Gender specialist clinic.

Raven I have been on the sharp end of some on the feminist board, been called a child abuser & akin to supporting FGM.
Whilst I understand the concerns of many on there about the adult trans community ( and not agreeing with all of it) it is not an area I can discus with any confidence as oviously our experience as a family is with a child not an adult.

Thank you for posting.

(I hope that my choice of wording isn't inflammatory, as I am genuinely interested to know how you would have responded).

I was discussing loosely the issue of transgender with my dad last week. He said 'at the end of the day, you are the gender you are born, regardless of what you feel inside, and you can't change that.'

I didn't respond because I don't know enough to feel able to challenge that view or discuss it further.

How would you have responded? Can you point us in the direction of some good, balanced information?

TheMonkeyMummy Not inflammatory at all, thank you for being kind about asking!

I never mind being asked with genuine curiousity, I am no expert but I have learned a lot along the way & am still learning.

Your Dad said what a lot of people ( probably even me once ) think.

The way I look at it, having spoken to lots of trans kids & some adults, is this.

Regardless of what labels are put upon us at birth or throughout life, if what you feel inside is so strongly different to the outer presentation then by transitioning you are not changing your gender merely realigning the outer self to match the inner self. We prefer to say gender realignment rather than "sex- change" for example, a more positive phrase .

Trans children will often say they don't want to change what they ARE, but the outer shell that doesn't match. It goes beyond clothes, toys or gender stereotyping, its the strong sense of self.

My child is still the goofy, cheeky, gorgeous being he always was, just not in the form I thought he was meant to be.

HTH just rambling a bt really it is difficult to explain, its such a personal thing to go through & each child & family is unique although with common ground.

I'll see if I can find something more concrete to point you towards.

TheMonkeyMummy this is a good piece Louis Theroux did a whil back, It's about US children so the system is a but different there in accessing treatment & support but it discusses the same sorts of points we would here.

www.dailymotion.com/video/x69kbj7

Did you child have a normal childhood. Were there any traumas?

I don't have a question but can i say I think you are brave and thoughtful and i hope all the questions are as respectful as the above

Define normal "Wildboar" !!!

Not any correlation between childhood traumas & transitioning that I am aware of- a child can't be "made" trans any more than a child could be "made gay" as previous generations thought ( and sadly still some today )

Yokatsu bless you, thanks. Not brave at all -should have seen the blubbering mess that I was at the beginning!!- just a mum trying to help her child through a challenging time (for all of us)

TheMonkeyMummy Quite a good basic piece.

www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2016/feb/11/what-should-i-do-if-i-think-i-might-be-transgender

I think the majority of people on here are not anti trans people but Self ID and TRAs are forcing us to take a harder line. I know I would have gone with the honour system previously but would question more now. People like Jess Bradley are why.

Do you support self ID or do you think there should be some form of safekeeping (which your child would clearly pass)? Do you feel a GRA should be required to access female spaces? And do you feel the actions of the TRAs to be harmful?

I'm trying to ask these questions as you're on the other side (so to speak) and are likely to have different views from me. I promise I'm not being deliberately hostile but if that is how I am coming across I apologise unreservedly.

Do you feel your child has or had realistic expectations for what transitioning treatments could do? At 15 they would surely have completed female puberty and finished growing which would surely limit how realistic they would look as a man.

IMip Don't worry, I don't see you as hostile TBH i do share some of the concerns you mention.

I think the extreme views of any one group are usually far too harsh & generally unrepresentative of the main community they claim to represent.

Personally I also feel a man slapping a wig on & wearing a frock & claiming he is trans is, at times, insulting to the trans community.
I find it very suspicious that the likes of Ian Huntley et al are suddenly having this "epiphany" & demanding transfer to womens jails for example, the authorities are so stretched as it is , and desperate to be seen to be doing the right thing, it can & has lead to a pervert assaultung women. I don't know what the answer is there.

However the vast majority of transwomen (as I understand it) are very repectful of their sisters views and just want to get on with their own lives. i find the views of SOME Terfs abhorrant as I find some TRA's abhorrant - name calling and violence is not acceptable on either side.

I don't know what the answer is to be honest. i do support the updating of the GRA. Many transwomen (and men) will never be able to have a fully surgical transition for a number of reasons. The idea that anyone should have to go before a panel of strangers, most of whom have not the first clue about being trans, in order to get their birth certificate changed seems crazy to me.

However as I said before I only have the experience of a trans child, I can only begin to imagine what it must be like to go through this as an adult with the associated MH issues & guilt etc of many years hiding who you really are.

SnuggyBuggy All options were discussed with professionals, with the pro's & cons at every stage of my childs transitioning - I take it you don't know what that entails? Just trying to clarify so i can answer you properly!

I don’t have a question but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely parent and your child is lucky to have your support - it can’t have been easy for either of you.

Sorry hope I didn’t offend. I thought being transgender meant you had gender dysphoria. I presumed it was mental health related. Whereas being gay is not a mental health problem.

When did you/your child realise they were trans or started showing signs.

I know vaguely what treatments are available but I'm guessing that nothing could make a female born 5ft person taller or narrow the hips or increase hand size for example. I imagine that could be hard to come to terms with.

Apologies for butting in OP, hope you don’t mind.

Wildboar historically being gay or lesbian was categorized as a medical problem in many societies, usually one with mental health components, e.g. delusion, hysteria, perversion, etc. This inevitably led to the idea that gay/lesbian people should be treated and cured into heterosexuality.

Similar medical narratives exist for trans people. For example, in some medical systems trans people have been considered mentally ill with some version of delusional body dysmorphia. The gender reassignment operation was then seen as treatment for the delusion rather than a personal choice.

One of the reasons behind the push to change the legislation to self ID has been the need to get away from the medical model, where a person has to be labeled sick with gender dysphoria and approved for gender reassignment as a treatment, all of which require medical approval.