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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AMA

I am the mother of a trans child ...AMA

390 replies

DoryNow · 13/08/2018 20:09

But no bun fights please, I am not a trans activist.

OP posts:

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ArcheryAnnie · 14/08/2018 23:52

DoryNow that's fair enough - but I wouldn't have raised it at all if you hadn't posted your false equivalence on the first page. And I'd still maintain there's a difference between someone you think is an "eedjit" challenging you on mumsnet, and someone tracking you down in real life to punch you, or send you death threats, or try and get you sacked, which is what women here are facing. Sadly the people making violent threats, etc, are currently representing the trans community, very publicly, whether you'd wish it so or no - and this will affect your child. None of us live in a bubble.

Anyway, I wish your child every happiness, whatever their path in life.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 14/08/2018 23:53

If you're just going to goad take your Gonads elsewhere @Antigonads .

I'm respectful to trans (I don't like to say pro as it sounds like I think everyone should be) but I do dislike children getting treatment.

What bugs me is if day a boy at 14 all of a sudden feels he should be female and within 18 months he's already getting physical treatment to transition.

Now if someone 'knew' from a young age and waited until 16/17 to properly take action I'm very supportive, because you can't help who you are.

I just worry with some transpeople it's more the social stereotype they have issues with not specifically their body and some very pro trans organisations may convince them otherwise. Liking traditionally girls things of a boy should not even be noted on the radar.

Equally if a girl has a more typical emotional/mental attitude akin to most boys, it should not matter one iota.

You sound like an amazing Mum OP - he's lucky to have you.

What things would you like people to realise or what myths would you like to debunk about transpeople?

Also, does he have any friends that are trans?

Also sorry for third question and it's personal - but is he gay (likes boys) or getting or bisexual? He may not be completely sure himself he's still quite new really.

Wish you both luck and your other daughter.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 14/08/2018 23:56

Brave to start this OP. No question just wanted to say good for you.

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 00:04

ArcheryAnnie thanks I am well aware we are very lucky NOT to have that sort of nastiness. I wish I knew the answer to it all.

OP posts:

bdyekdo · 15/08/2018 00:05

firstly well done to you for keeping your cool on this thread despite some ignorant rude people anyway sorry if this has been asked (read the whole thread and don't think it has). Before coming out as trans did your son come out as a lesbian or were they straight (now gay I guess)? I find it interesting that a lot of trans people come out as gay first, I wonder why perhaps because being gay is more accepted/understandable?

Also you briefly mentioned your family, what was their reaction to your son coming out? have their views changed?

Thanks

pieceofpurplesky · 15/08/2018 00:11

This thread is fascinating - I teach two trans children and this is a great help seeing a parent's view. Thank you OP

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 00:13

Local you're welcome yes do get in touch if it would help.

Alefor so sorry x-posting trying to keep up. Hmmmn, Difficult one for you both, are you feeling you are trans then? PM me if you would rather.

All I would say is just tell your Mum straight, with reassurances that you love her & re still her child who loves her. Don't go full pelt with too much detail at first just answer her questions as you can. Is our partner supportive?

I have had several friends whose families have initially been estranged over various LGBT issues, as they slowly processed it all. But you know what, keep plugging away at it, keep saying you love her, but this is who you are. She may be scared of what the future holds, take it gently with her

Good luck xx

OP posts:

Misericord · 15/08/2018 00:24

When your son explained to you that he wanted to transition, how did he describe how he felt?

This isn’t meant to be goady but I am really curious about how he expressed the feeling of his gender. It seems to be an oft debated point as, as a woman born a woman, I struggle to say what makes me ‘feel female’.

Thanks!

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 00:30

What bugs me is if day a boy at 14 all of a sudden feels he should be female and within 18 months he's already getting physical treatment to transition

Not in the UK NotAnother the waiting list, even if your GP is shit hot on the ball is 18 months minimum just to be seen, sadly. Private clinci maybe ess but still there are hoops to be jumped through and psyche evaluations to be made. At 14 he would be put on blockers at first to pause puberty while a full assesmment is made, 2 independant psyches have to sign off on agreeing the child is suitable for treatment. If another underlying problem ia diagnosed (ie history if abuse,drugs or alcohol dependancy)then that is looked at further. During this time the child is encouraged to socially transition and start living as their new persona, very hard to keep up if the child is just experimenting or exploring their sexuality.

Obviously , this is just the UK system, in the US I agree it may be far too quick, throw money at it & you can get a doctor to sign off anything!
The main myth I hate is the Daily Fail view that hormones are handed out like sweeties & genitals chopped off on a whim. Support groups likes Mermaids which give huge non judgememtal suport to trans families, are vilified and attacked daily. Their impartial & calm support offered to worried parents daily is invaluable and it sickens me they are so often the brunt of the right wing gutter press.

He has several LGBT friends, some trans, he is an active member of his LGBT group at Uni which I'm pleased about He tells me edited versions of their social activities which is as it should be

I learned early on that trans is his gender identity but his sexuality is completely different. He will be attracted to whomever he is attracted to, pansexual probably. Widens his options I'd say !

OP posts:

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 00:37

Reggie Thanks

bdyekdo
"I find it interesting that a lot of trans people come out as gay first, I wonder why perhaps because being gay is more accepted/understandable?"

yes I think you are right, its a start in the conversation towards being trans, they may not have accepted it themselves. Also as I said above you can be bi or gay and trans too.

Not wanting to share too much about the family for fear of outing ourselves (more than I have done already!!) shock, disbelief, anger & denial from various memebers but all have settled diwn now into acceptance - ironically one of his nicest supporters now is his paternal Grandmother (85) who was intitially a right cow to him!! Totally doesn't get it but accepts it with a shrug, bless her.

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 15/08/2018 00:47

and it sickens me they are so often the brunt of the right wing gutter press

You honestly may not be aware, OP, that much of the criticism of Mermaids comes from very well-informed lesbian, bi and gay people, because of Mermaids' homophobia, and not by the right wing press.

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 00:48

pieceofpurple thank you for supporting your trans pupils it means so much to them, especially if families are not so supportive!

I run a parent support group now, just a small one but it helps others as I was helped initially, talking to parents going through the same process. I always think the chld may be the one transitioning but so are the family, and often against their choice!!

Misricord a question often asked & I struggle to understand as like you i can't quantify how or what makes me female.

He just said that he felt totally "wrong" as a woman, that he was who he was inside but the outside manifestation of that self didn't add up to the real him. IYSWIM? Regardless of labels he just felt wrong and his body abhorrant to him. The first time I took him shopping, he was so chuffed to be getting boy clothes and so happy when he put them on at home, I cried, but it was the start of me realising this was real and not imagined,or a phase it was what he needed to do.

OP posts:

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/08/2018 00:51

LocalHobo I hope that this doesn't sound flippant, but when I was your daughters age I went out with a raging psycho who was 14yrs older than me, had been in a position of power of me, had an ex wife and a kid (not from the marriage, from another relationship), was a functioning alcoholic who could get violent and had a pretty grim case of genital herpes and chlamydia which only became apparent when I got symptoms. I’d rather my daughters went out with a trans lad than one of him!! If your daughter has fallen for this persons personality then does their body really matter that much? If there’s respect and kindness and love and pleasure in the relationship, that all means much more to me than genitals.

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 00:51

ArcheryAnnie I am very much aware of how Mermaids work & have had nothing but support and advice from them, as have many trans families.

OP posts:

TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon · 15/08/2018 00:52

Would you have put him on blockers if he had been young enough op?
Do you worry about infertility? That at 21 he may not really grasp the concept yet?

Did you ever have any doubts that you were doing the right thing?

What apart from outward appearance has changed about them since they transitioned? Are they the same?

Do you think he genuinely felt like a man or felt "wrong" if that makes sense. I don't mean to be goady or anything, I'm trying to work out my own feelings on the matter. Either way I am glad your son is happy in himself now

allycattt · 15/08/2018 00:54

If my child told me they believed they were the wrong sex, (that's what this means, sex not gender, other wise why would the trans lobby be trying to invade female spaces?) I would treat them the same way I would treat my child if they told me they were starving themselves.(anorexic) Reality is real, delusion is a mental health problem. I teach my child that their body is normal and functioning. If they were rejecting their physical body I would primarily think they were defending themselves, they had been abused. they reject their male/female body as the abuser would not want them. secondly, I would assume they were gay/lesbian and could not cope with the ridiculous 'gender binary' society imposes on us right now. I would teach them that their body is normal and show them the statistics on how the 'ladyboys' from bankock have a life expectancy of 35. Due to hormones/bone deficiencies that shorten life.( also weirdos using/killing them through prostitution) Id really try hard to understand why they believe their body was wrong. If they were male and wanted to wear makeup, I'd support them. If they were female and wanted to play football, i'd support them, id make sure they knew why 'gender binarys' were made to be the 'norm' and its society that is wrong, not them, and there is no way I would allow a child to make a decision that effects their fertility, just so pharmaceutical companies can make money and decrease the birth rate. Do what you like when you are 18 and have the capacity to understand the consequences, if not, if a child can consent to their gender identity, what else can they consent to? this worries me

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 01:02

The dish absolutely yes, the oain he went through every month, physically and mentally was indescribable.

Yes I used to worry about the infertility, saddens me beyond belief but why worry about what may happen in the future at the expense of happiness now? He is infertile now as a result of the testosterone, but it was all explained fully by his doctors at length before he started. He was 18 then & legally an adult, 18 or 21 he knew what he was choosing I had to support him .

OP posts:

allycattt · 15/08/2018 01:06

@DoryNow do you believe children younger than 18 should be able to make the decision to make themselves infertile?

DoryNow · 15/08/2018 01:10

allycatt bully for you, glad you know what you would do. I used to think that too , believe me when its your own child all the theories go out the window. Being trans is NOT the same as being gay.

If it was as simple as letting them dress as something other than the perceived norm do you not think i would have done so???

He WAS 18 when the final decisions were made & we had a long painful route to take before he got there, so please don't for one minute think it was a choice made lightly. I hope the rarified air up there on your moral high ground smells good, the rest of us mere mortals down here are getting on with real life & real children not some theory.

Night folks, I'll catch up with any other questions later tomorrow.

OP posts:

allycattt · 15/08/2018 01:12

This reply has been deleted

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DoryNow · 15/08/2018 01:13

sigh one last one then allycat

Children do not choose to make themselves infertile, if you are referring to blockers they merely pause the onset of puberty while allowing the child to socially transition and decide, with parental and medical support if this is truly the path they want to take.

Good Night

OP posts:

allycattt · 15/08/2018 01:15

when you 'wake up' explain to me what makes a woman, that does not include being human and female biology. Truth is, you don't have an answer. Hold your child and let them explain why they reject their body. Society is wrong, your child is not

allycattt · 15/08/2018 01:29

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ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 15/08/2018 01:32

allycattt sort it out. The OP has been very generous in her responses and in her honesty about the discomfort she initially felt when her son was transitioning. This is not the place for your grandstanding on gender vs sex. Leave her alone.

allycattt · 15/08/2018 01:42

generous? should I be grateful? I don't give a shit about the ops glory, im worried about the welfare of her child. His body is his, it is NORMAL. he does not need to mutilate it and take hormones which will give him oesteoperosis, why am I wrong? What is wrong with being a feminine man or a masculine women, I just don't want people to mutilate/sterilise them selves and reinforce the bullshit that is enforced on us

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