I am the mother of a trans child ...AMA

[DoryNow]

But no bun fights please, I am not a trans activist.

Yes, of course parents worry about their children. I hoped it was clear that I meant whether you felt any additional worry above what you might otherwise have expected.

TheGolden God no , i was fiercely against gender stereotypes, still am. Both my kids went through the pink fluff phase at about 3, much to my chagrin but swiftly moved on to their own styles & choices. Apart from never wanting to wear a dress, (neither did I) there was no particular drift one way or another. They were always firmly brought up that men & women could both do anything they wanted, given enough time & hard work.

My child has been absolutely unwavering in his road to transition, it was oneof my worst fears, what if it was a huge mistake, what if he changed his mind latere & blamed me? But my fears were soothed by seeing him slowly blossom and be the boy he should have been.

The process (in the UK) is very slow which is frustrating for the child, but actually (IMHO) gives plenty of time to socially transition & REALLY be sure before any major medical interventions are started.

Stereotypes, although influential, do not make one trans IMHO.

But what is being trans if it's not aligning yourself with the gender stereotypes of the opposite sex?

Dory this is a good AMA, I have a f to m trans child too who is 23, he came out at 21 having come out as a lesbian at 16.

I'll be honest I didn't have a clue and I found it hard personally initially. I never wavered in my support for him though. A few months of crying in bed and I came out the other side - he asked me to give him his new name and that was lovely, he was always so thoughtful introducing me to new ways of thinking and how to support him best.

He is entering his last year at uni now and works hard studying, he has three jobs ( one of which is a councillor for a lgbtq charity nearby) he had top surgery recently too which I was there for, I can't tell you the relief for him and me when he didn't have to eat that awful binder anymore the pain he used to be in at the end of a shift at his job was terrible. His kidneys hurt all of the time and wearing it in the heat was just torture.

He is happy and settled and has a wonderful girlfriend that he lives with. They have been together since he came out as transgender. The crazy thing is I have no idea why I didn't see it? He would always dress quite masculine and I just mistook it as him being a butch lesbian. All those years it really was staring me in the face.

Sometimes I miss my daughter, I come across old photos ( which I admit for his sake I keep in an old folder now.) I don't want to erase who he was but I think he prefers it like that and I do understand. My nine year old remembers his brother's previous life but never questions it anymore it's been 2.5 years and I suppose when you are six things are quite straight forward. My five year old will never really remember his brother any differently which is good.

It's the new normal and it's not even so new anymore, the hormones and operation have transformed him into the person he really always wanted to be, I'm glad he was older when he came out as i think it's a lot more of a struggle had he been a few years younger. But then again I blame myself as to the fact that he felt he couldn't come out in his teens as he felt it would be too difficult for all of us to understand and he was almost suicidal taking all of that on board without telling anyone.

Alls well that ends well I think he is very happy in his place in the world now and I adore my sarcastic, funny, kind boy. We all do and he is such a pleasure to me - good luck on your journey together Dory, I think you've started a wonderful thread I tend to avoid the trans threads as they usually upset me but this has been measured, eye opening and kind. Thank you.

Sorry most just caught your question.

Yes something that was offered & considered BUT.

Not the simple process it would appear, its a very low success rate.The ovaries would have to be stimulated to produce eggs which would mean delaying starting transition & pumping his body full of the very hormone he was trying to get rid of, with huge psychological implications. It can & has been done but a long process. Also we would have to pay upto 20k a year to store the eggs with only a 20% chance of success that they would be viable on defrosting. He wants kids but is quite laid back about them being genetically his. (at the moment) & says there are enough kids in the world needing a family!
He may meet somone who aready has kids, who knows.

i

((((rosie))) Pm me any time you fancy a natter.

Thanks for sharing your story, our boys are pretty amazing aren't they?

theGolden I am just telling our story not entering into whatifery conversations I'm afraid, trying to keep it simple.

Dory I'll pop you a message in the next few days, yes they are amazing I'm so proud ❤️

Great rosie

You sound like a lovely mum.

Do you wholeheartedly believe that your son is a man?

If so, what is it that makes him a man?

Thanks for the thread.

OP, you said this on the first page:

i find the views of SOME Terfs abhorrant as I find some TRA's abhorrant - name calling and violence is not acceptable on either side

Why do you equate threats from TRAs (rape threats, death threats, photos of them posing with knives, going on marches armed with baseball bats saying they will "kill all TERFS", calling women's employers to try and get them sacked, orchestrated campaigns to get women banned from social media, actually tracking them down in real life and physically assaulting them) with what gender-critical women say? Where's the "either side" equivalence here? Where is the "Terf" who has said - as one TRA did - that someone needs to be "raped with a serrated dildo"?

Antigonads you sound like a mature, delightful individual and I for one would like to personally thank you for your contribution to this thread. Please keep up the good fight and post on all the threads you don’t give a shit about otherwise we’ll never know for sure. I’ll stay up all night and wait with bated breath for the next thread you don’t give a shit about.

Sylvanian thanks. He is who he is, very masculine but with a nice bit of insight from his previous feminine side. Its difficult to say what makes a man or woman, as I have only ever felt like the female I was born to be.

Lets just say he is happier than he has ever been presenting & living as a man which allows him to concentrate on getting his degree & enjoying life is all that matters.

Antigonads I am very happy to have a son, Sorry if i didn't understand your question fully before, hav a nice rest of the evening.

ArcheryAnnie As I said name calling & threats of violence are abhorrant, and do not represent the wider trans community. I have been attacked verbally here on MN for supporting my son, called a child abuser and worse so yes there are eejits on both sides.

However this is not what this tread is about, so I respectfully ask you to leave that argument aside for now as it distracts (yet again) from the original discussion. if you have a question about me & my sons situation I am happy to try to answer it.

booboostwo

Masculine with a nice bit of a feminine

Sheesh. Heard it all now.

Do you believe that people can change sex? goldenwolf I feel the same. I don't understand what makes someone male or female other than your chromosomes.
I'm no TERF and I believe people are labelled that unfairly. I have never seen any 'TERF' behaviour on here. Just genuine questions. So OP you said AMA so do you believe that a human being can change sex?

You mention that your DS is in a relationship. Do you know how his DPs parents feel about that?
My DD told me last week that her, very new, BF was previously a female. I am shocked as to how shaken I am by this fact. I always thought I had no problem with transitions but all sorts of future issues have started overwhelming me and I kind of feel my DD has entered into this relationship too casually. I know I would not feel this unless I knew the background so I am angry with myself. I hope I do not sound ridiculous and rude.
Any words of reason and reassurance?

Oh Antigonads you're back how nice!

dona If you have only ever seen genuine questions then you are lucky.

With regard to your question I repeat what I have said before , this thread is about my story as the mother of a trans child not an open invitation to wider gender issues as often chewed over on the feminist boards. (interesting though the subject is)

As I have said before, it doesn't matter what YOU or I believe, when it comes to supporting ones child it si something you have to do 100% for the sake of their future mental health. The support of a trans childs family/significant others is crucial in their future stability and happiness.
I don't care if my son walks down the street dressed as a Unicorn or Goth with hobnailed boots on as long as he is happy, fulfilled. & persuing whatever career path (or lack of ) he chooses.

If I ever face this, I hope I can be a mum like you, OP.

You sound a lovely person and wonderful mother, OP.

gonads though, well, can’t wait for her next insightful and compassionate post

LocalHobo No, he is not in a relationship, I was discussing up thread the very difficulties you describe your DD having & the emotions it stirs up (logical or not!)

SO difficult for you to get your head round, how does your DD feel? Presumably she has fallen for the person, the character of her new BF & he has been honest with her, which speaks volumes about how he trusts her already ! Better she knows now TBH, how is she processing it? PM me if you'd rather

Melanie thanks- I wouldn't wish it on any mother but truly you find something within you that helps you through, you could do it because it is your beloved child & that's it at the bottom of it !

Ariadne I have my moments as my kids will tell you but hopefully my batshit crazy mother moments are out weighed by the tigermama ones fighting their corner -gin helps.

Hi, I plan to eventually come out to my Mum but I know she will take this badly ( she's pretty much told me). We've had a half discussion about It after I waned to get my hair cut short which deeply upset her but I didn't confess so to speak.

I came out as a lesbian a few years ago, I'm in a steady relationship and I'm 21. She took the gay thing very badly as well but we've made progress on that even though frustratingly I don't think it's who I am anymore.

How did your son tell you? What did he do that made it easier? I'm terrified of losing my mum and some of my family because of this and if you had any advice for how I could make things easier for my mum I'd appreciate that a lot. I don't want to lose her.

So happy that your son has had such a supportive mum behind him, he's truly lucky

Thanks Dory. DD did know him a few years back (from school) so he had no choice but tell her IYSWIM.
I can’t tell you how she feels because I am finding it impossible to talk calmly about it. I know, pathetic isn’t it?
I will keep reading your wise answers here and may pm you when I am more informed about DDs prospective.
Thank you for doing this AMA.