I am the mother of a trans child ...AMA

[DoryNow]

But no bun fights please, I am not a trans activist.

Very brave of you OP to do this AMA. I have little knowledge of transmen aside from a recent ftm Queer Eye episode, Chaz Bono and also the musician Jaimie Wilson (and no, I would never have known).

www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a9203449/jaimie-wilson-trans-man-before-and-after-photos/

www.huffingtonpost.com/jamie-davis-smith/everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-being-a-trans-man-but-were-afraid-to-ask_b_6708606.html

Two questions, hopefully not too personal, thx in advance

1. is your son on the autistic spectrum
2. are you or your son concerned about long-term use of testosterone (assuming he is taking it)

Firstly, thank-you for doing this; you are incredibly brave and seem lovely and this whole process must have seemed so hard for you. I'm glad you and your child are getting through this and he is happy

I know that lots of the trans community find the process of applying for a GRA difficult. The GRA review is based on simplifying it to self ID because the current system is described as over medicalised and dehumanising.

'The idea that anyone should have to go before a panel of strangers, most of whom have not the first clue about being trans, in order to get their birth certificate changed seems crazy to me'

The thing is, my DD is autistic and I have just sent off a 72 page DLA application form, along with 282 pages of medical evidence to a panel of people who don't know much about autism, who don't know my DD, have never met her, and they will decide whether she is worthy of getting support.

Most of the systems in the UK for getting recognition or support are arduous, bureaucratic and complicated. But it's the same across the board.

Do you think the benefits to the trans community of self ID balance out the likelihood of it being taken advantage of by people wishing to do harm?

Also, if self ID is passed, where does that leave communities such as those with disabilities or differences who will still have to struggle hugely to prove themselves at great personal cost, just to get basic support?

Sorry, I know that's a really tricky one to answer and it's intended absolutely with a genuine heart. It's just when I hear some politicians talking about simplifying the GRA process because it's over medicalised, intrusive and bureaucratic, I am very aware that my DD will face this all her life and no politicians are in the slightest bit interested in changing it.

(Just to clarify, I'm not for a second suggesting that you or your child is wrong to support self ID if you believe it will help)

I respect you disagree with me. Awesome. I await her son/daughter/nonbinary/response in 10 years when he/she is suing the NHS for being unable to have a family after 'they' finally worked out that 'gender, much like identity politics is a distraction from the two main issues. 1) the poor, 2) female v male, but yeah, trans are so oppressed right now all 0.02% percent of them. 23% of trans are autistic, that worries me more why they are trying to sterilise them, maybe its because they think outside the box and dont conform, probably that's exactly right, why would anybody want to change this utopia? good night also, ps tell your child their body i BEAUTIFUL and society is wrong

hey last poster can you explain to me what being trans actually means. I totally get that people don't nt to be or cant cope with being their biological sex, does not mean they can switch sexes though and encroach on the opposite sex peoples spaces solely because they can't deal with their own reality, why should women cope with 6 ft 2 men with a beard in their changing rooms? I dont think that's fair

I would be interested in the following questions, based on ally's responses but for my part, as with my two questions above, asked without recrimination

1. Do you think gender dysphoria and body dysmorphic disorder are two sides of the same coin and if not, why not?
2. Was there any history of abuse? (if only to dispel this myth)
3. Does your son believe hormones enabling a masculine gender presentation are worth the price in twenty years' time? (hardened arteries, numb clitoris, atrophied vagina, male pattern balding)
4. What do you think would have happened had they not transitioned?

Ally the OP was clear in one of her responses that she would have welcomed her child being a lesbian/it would have been easier had they only been gay.

The OP has been more than gracious in her responses so far.

I personally think judging someone if you haven't walked in their shoes is easy to do but does not bring about understanding on either side.

How easy has your child's dating life been? I appreciate that at their age they won't have been dating for long obviously.

There is a massive difference between gay people and trans people. Gay people say ' im attracted to people of the same sex', guess what, they are. They are not stepping on anybodies toes, they are not demanding rights or language changes, just to be accepted. Trans people say they ARE the opposite sex. And demand to be treated like the opposite sex, everybody knows they are not, but feel a bit sorry for them so pretend, nobody actually believes it. It's ridiculous

studies show, that 80 percent of children who are not coerced like they are now into transitioning, (trans is new thing/ medically, wonder why? look up luprons profits)just turn out to be gay/lesbian. I would much rather a gay/lesbian child

Your comment above ally was why I referred to the OP's given stance. I am sure at the time she would have preferred a lesbian daughter (we all want our kids' lives to be easier) and there was no coercion on her part.

But again, you are not engaging by actually asking the OP anything (as per the title of the thread) you are just monologuing.

I could report your posts - some would breach guidelines - but prefer them to stand and be judged accordingly.

so for example you could have asked

Did you use your son's preferred pronouns straight away/ was that and not deadnaming very important to them? Did/Do you ever forget and use the wrong pronoun or name?

Do you, after going through all this with your son, believe you gave birth to a child assigned the wrong sex at birth/born in the wrong body?
Do you believe that yourself or do you just believe your child believes that? And should we always validate our children's feelings?

Do you think your son will ever have transgrets and could they detransition in the future?

What rights does your son not have right now?

What's the biggest challenge for him now?

Do you believe you can change sex or is it alleviating symptoms?

Does your son have passing privilege or is he obviously trans and how do others react?

The OP has said several times they are only talking about their own situation NOT as an activist so it would make sense to ask stuff as opposed to venting.

Oh and could you please give the source for the 80 percent statistic?

Finally, before any of you come for me, do please take the comment above ('wanting our kids' lives to be easier') the way it was intended. Namely that coming out isn't necessarily easy but the obstacles facing many transgender people are going to be physically more challenging.
(the counter-argument whether coming out as trans because it is a current trend is actually easier than coming out as a lesbian is also fair discussion. Is living as a lesbian/being accepted socially easier than living as the opposite sex/jumping through hoops to be accepted? Does validating the OP's son's rights invalidate his sister's rights?)

Thanks in advance OP x

Morning all,

Up early for work & I see some of us didn’t get to bed!

allycat I am not going to engage with you after your ridiculous rants.

This is just why I started this thread, any decent discussion about trans kids ALWAYS gets hijacked on MN by hysterical table thumpers.

I’m going to grab a coffee & see if there are any sensible questions, but I may run out of time before work.

Do you wish deep down your child wasn't trans and that they could have accepted their female body?

Morning OP. Thank you for doing this ‘ask me anything’.

If it’s OK, I’d like to ask whether your son had any private treatment or bought medical supplies online? Or did he only ever receive NHS treatment (for his body but also any talking therapies?)

Does your son still have any professional emotional support now?

Best wishes to you both.

Will answer to several posters at once, but forgive me if i don't answer in too much detail as it may be too identifying.

No my son is not autistic.

No there is no history of abuse. ( is there a link?!)

Yes he has looked into all the pros & cons & we have discussed them at length together & with his specialists.

No he is not currently dating as far as I'm aware, lets face it any mother of a young man is usually the last to know isn't she?!!
He'll tell me as & when I need to know.

mozzie if you read some of my previous answers they'll answer some of yours

My sons rights in no way invalidate his sisters, they both have human rights & respect and support each other.

thegolden of course I wish he could have been happier with his birth gender, no mother/parent would choose that path for their child. However that was never going to be, he was always a boy underneath I just didn't know it then, I do now .

Morning NetofLemons no we went NHS the whole way, there was no option for us to go private. He had superb service, very caring, thorough & compassionate. My only concern was (& is) is the lack of counselling available to us as a family and to him on his own.

We got funding for a brief 10 weeks -10 x 1 hour sessions with our local Relate service who were superb. For months after the funding ended I scraped together enough to pay for the same sessions as it was keeping us all sane.

Sadly then the Local Authority in its wisdom pulled the plug on the total funding so the service closed. We were all devestated as we had built up a good relationship with our counsellor, but we managed to track her down when she set up privately and have carried on seeing her since, individually.

I really feel that with the long waiting lists for gender specialist centres, it puts an intolerable strain on families to the detriment of the mental health of all as they struggle through.

Early intervention with talking therapies has been proven time and again in all fields of child mental health to be very useful, yet along with other MH services in general, budget cuts are reducing this valuable service.

My question yesterday was genuine. What do you believe is being trans? I thought outwardly it was aligning yourself with the gender stereotypes of the opposite sex? What is a girl/boy?

Do you think that young people who are transitioning should be dissuaded from surgery?

Golden I started this thread to answer specific questions about my families situation & how we dealt with it.

The wider general discussion ( and a very valid one) is for another thread, so can I respectfully ask you (and others) to save these questions for another time please?

What I believe is that I did the very best I could for and with my son, and no one can make me feel otherwise.

Have a good Wednesday

ArcheryAnnie I am very much aware of how Mermaids work & have had nothing but support and advice from them, as have many trans families.

I do understand this, DoryNow, and I also understand that you'd be grateful for their support in the path you've chosen, but what relevance does this have to the point I've made, that many, many LGBT people consider - with good reason - Mermaids a deeply homophobic and damaging organisation? There's nothing in your posts so far that would indicate that you yourself are LGBT, so perhaps - understandably, if you've had no prior experience before coming across Mermaids - you aren't fully aware of the issues.

Archery I have deliberately not given away too many personal details for a reason, but I have never had cause to see Mermaids as anything other than the hugely supportive organsiation they are, and have never experienced any of the issues you are claiming so lets leave that one there please.

I am trying not to derail the basic discussion here, ie the experience of myself & my family, so respectfully I ask not to turn this into a Mermaids bashing thread.

Thanks.

Off to work now have a good Wednesday everyone

Do you actually believe someone can be born in the wrong body? How do you think this could happen?
Also, have you seen Susie green’s TED talk? It’s very very illuminating about how Jackie Green came to believe she was a girl. Her dad was extremely homophobic and Susie took away the toys that Jackie wanted to play with because of this. It’s worth watching.
I wish you and your son every happiness and hope the transition thing works out for him.

X post re mermaids

TheGoldenWolfFleece And ArcheryAnnie

You are aware this is a thread for someone's personal experience?

Trying to project your values and interpretation onto someone else's experience, when they have repeatedly said that isn't their experience isn't respectful and meets the definition of gaslighting.

You might not like what they are saying, it might not fit with your beliefs, youve made your point. But this isn't FWR, feminist chat, or even AIBU, its not the place to pursue it any further. Doing so says far more about you than the issues you represent.

Given the grace and eloquently your questions are being met with, anymore and you are just embarrassing yourself

Have a good Wednesday OP.

Archery I have deliberately not given away too many personal details for a reason, but I have never had cause to see Mermaids as anything other than the hugely supportive organsiation they are, and have never experienced any of the issues you are claiming so lets leave that one there please.

I'm sorry, but if you post support of a homophobic organisation on a thread called "ask me anything", it's reasonable for other posters to ask you about it.

I get that Mermaids has supported you, and you want to defend them. But they are an organisation whose homophobia is directly harmful to me, and to other people like me. If that doesn't matter to you, then there's nothing I can do about it, but it's reasonable for me to point out - if only for the benefit of other people reading this thread, who may not have come across Mermaids before - that they need to be a bit wary of Mermaids if they are LGB themselves, or if their child is LGB.

I'm not embarrassing myself, I'm asking questions. This is AMA after all. I don't frequent FWR. If the OP chooses not to answer my questions then that's her right. I'm not particularly interested in the general trans/self id debate but I am interested in the transitioning of young people and how that might fit with the Ops experience, and in her personal experience what SHE thinks it means to be a boy or a girl. But I can understand why the OP might not want to answer questions about whether the path to medical or surgical transitioning is right for children.

She answered that twice.

But I'll answer you... if i was dressed in mens clothing, if still be a woman. I don't menstruate (contraceptive drugs) I'm still a woman. If something horrific happened and my womb were removed I m pretty sure i would still be a woman. Whats telling me that?

I think its easy to focus on the stereotypes of gender/sex, because its easier to understand. But the OP in her replies has said this hasn't been a part of her experience.

It's not hard for me to believe that somewhere the biology that makes the body and the mind gets mixed up. I'm not sure where that leaves you because I have no direct trans experience

It's not hard for me to believe that somewhere the biology that makes the body and the mind gets mixed up.
But do you have any actual evidence that this can happen? Does anyone? Is a belief that something can happen enough to justify medicating gender non-conforming young people and possibly carrying out genital surgery (with the real possibility of pretty awful complications)?