I'm God. AMA

[RealGod]

Trying to be hip with the kids and the internet seems to be the main form of communication these days, beats carving shit into stone tombs anyday.

AMA.

Got about an hour before I gotta get back to work, got my main man Jegudiel manning the post right now.

Nosuchthing, I do have to think about things individually. If I thought about everything at once my head would explode like Cate Blanchet at the end of that Indiana Jones film.

The Sixth Sense was shite. But I will admit even I didn't see the ending coming. God was SHOOKETH.

OurMiracle.

I'm so sorry. I won't pretend to have any real answers to that, I feel like the working in mysterious ways thing would just be an insult to you. But I'm sure your parents are super proud of you and if you believe in heaven then they will be there waiting for you. I wish I could give you a hug :(

I'm no deity @AiredaleFan so I can't speak for God about the official stance on washing getting darked on, but there is definitely something spooky going on.

Marylin Monroe, Elvis, Judas and I are just sitting out having a glass of wine in my paradise garden, they all say oh no to washing getting darked on.

Marylin wants me to get a Beech Hedge for some reason, Elvis is up for it too, he says there's even a spotify playlist by someone called @eurgh and we should get that, it's some kind of hedge music apparently?

I'll ask @TheRealGod

Plants

You are a good person. Like everyone you have been tested at times and maybe have a few regrets but I feel your heart is firmly in the good camp.

I feel a bit like Mystic Meg right now.

Does anyone want a tarot reading?
I don't have tarot cards but I do have some world cup trading cards.

Ooops I could make flies fuck off but it would greatly disturb the delicate balance of the earths ecosystem and would result in mutant spiders 10inches wide.

Don't ask me how. It just would.

I made sleeping children cute so that we remember that they aren't always small spawns of Lucifer, yes.

I don't have amnesia spray, it's just the wonderful natural state of love babies bring. i know they test that love to breaking point at 3 am when you feed them and put them to bed only to hear them filling their nappy as soon as the light goes off

Also thankyou for adopting. Major life CV points there.

Disgrace if you have a 3rd nipple you are truly blessed. It may not be functional but it's pretty friggin cool.

Depending on what happens on 6th Sep 19 we will either be basking in heavenly glory or all a little bit hellbound. Its still up in the air right now.
Ask Trump about it.

Tom and Nicole divorced because Tom is a lunatic. HTH.

Irritable

I'm not sure it deserves to be in classics? People seem pretty disgruntled with AMAs right now.

mumbles about them waiting 2000 years for answers then getting mad about it

Airedale

Darked on washing smells nicer #GODFACT

I make spider willies lavender scented especially for this reason.

Historia

I may be God, but I am capable of being selfish. Dogs only live 12/15 years so that I can play with them up here. Endless supply of chicken, tennis balls and golden beaches.

All dogs go to heaven :)

Congratulations on the pilots license, fly high and feel close to your grandad when you touch the clouds x

Why didn't you make breasts detachable?
I could really do without - - lakes of sweat under-- them in this heat.

Also could have used an extra joint in my arms for ease of hair plaiting / doing up bras / getting stuff from the back of the car from the front seats.

Sex, just why?

I could have led a much more focussed and efficient life thus far if you hadn’t invented it. What’s wrong with podding off clones and relying on environmental mutations?

Cockadoodle

Hmmm. Detachable breasts? In all honesty it never crossed my mind. Wouldn't that be a bit disturbing?
Ditto with the 2nd elbow.
Do you write for horror films?

Ermmmmm.... Jesus, wanna come round and play Fortnite?

Out

I thought I did pretty good with the whole sex thing. Productive and fun.
The church had to throw a load of guilt over it of course, but it was designed for your pleasure, quite literally.

It is quite distracting though isn't it?

Judas

Jesus is not allowed to play with you.
Do I have to call your mother?
And don't you dare try and kiss me on the way out.

Hey @RealJudas !

He's still in a strop, probably out in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights again. Don't worry about it.

Come help me with Marylin, Elvis and this hedge thing, it's starting to get interesting...

My DH wants to know whether you really rested on the seventh day or went to Tesco like everyone else?

Classics!

Bloody love ya RealGod. It's enough to make me feel all spiritual

New year, on Sundays I like to watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie and Murder she Wrote.

I get Tesco delivered.

i also float round Sunday masses to giggle at the one person who always sings really loudly and out of tune

Are you OK with people calling out your name when they orgasm?

Wasn’t the whole Noah’s ark episode a bit OTT? As you were drowning all those innocent people didn’t you stop and think AIBU?

Sinister
That's an interesting one because when someone calls my name I automatically tune in, kinda like listening in on thousands of different radio frequencies, so that I can hear each prayer.

Always found it kinda weird you humans do that though.