Got a couple of hours to spare? Take a trip down to Classics for the very best that Mumsnet has brought us over the last twenty years. From the downright bizarre to threads guaranteed to deliver all the feels, here are our favourites.
1. “AIBU to be annoyed that no one has ever told me I look like an actual sea monster?”
Lockdown life can be hard for many reasons – but the one OP struggled with most: Zoom calls forcing her to realise her inner (/outer) Ursula. Other users soon gathered around to share their video call doppelgangers. Highlights include – both strangely rodent-themed – “I looked like a shaved mole” and “My voice comes back to me like a west country mouse on helium”. A thread sure to cure your working-from-home woes.
2. “DS1 has made a large clay cock”
The time a Mumsnet user's son sculpted a large clay cock and balls and she (understandably) didn't quite know what to say. “I just kept gazing at it in horror and blurting 'LOVELY darling, you are SO clever'.” Yes, that is an actual photo.
3. “My DP has started making pirate noises during sex”
A well-known Mumsnet user changed her name to confess that her beloved had started making pirate noises when he, er, brought his vessel successfully into port. “He has begun to put on a strange voice during sex – for example, 'Arr matey,' in the style of that weird sea captain from The Simpsons. The other one is 'Arr, the ship's a-dockin,' and 'My lighthouse is tingling'.” Right. “He is not a sailor btw, and has no connection to seafaring folk.
4. “Pink, pink, pink! Peter is PINK!”
It's not all pirate sex and unfortunate kiddie sculpture, though. Some of the most amazing threads come from the very real care that Mumsnet users show when one of their number is in trouble. The amazing Pink Peter wasn't a Mumsnet user but his wife was, and is. Hooked to a machine to keep him alive for a record 763 days, he finally got the heart transplant he needed. Mumsnet users were with them every step of the way, offering support and, after an article was published in the Mirror newspaper, drumming up an amazing 25,000 new organ donors in just six days.
5. Mumsnet Rhapsody
Sometimes, we write songs. Apologies to Freddie Mercury. And, you know, all the musics.
Here's a preview: I see a little silhouetto of a brat Scaramouch Scaramouch will you drink your bl**dy tango Tikkabilla's frightening Very, very frightening See Wacky Warehouse…Wacky Warehouse Wacky Warehouse, take me there Bala-mo-ry would you like to go?! (like to go?) Bala-mo-ry would you like to know?! (like to know?)…
You can read the full lyrics if you're so inclined.
6. “He's eaten a fat ball”
A what now? Ah, those seed and suet balls that kids make for the birds in winter. Foolish of this user to leave them in the fridge, really, with a hungry husband on the loose. Apparently, he thought it was an artisan Scotch egg. “He complained to me it was a bit greasy,” reported the proud/disgusted wife.
7. “Honey, I ate the hamster”
“I wouldn't have done it if it hadn't escaped from its cage and fallen in the stew.” RIP little hamster, what a way to go. (Animal lovers, don't fret: it might have been a joke).
It also features the statement: “Hamsters don't dissolve, you're confusing them with aspirin”, which, as one Mumsnetter mused: “Might be one of the finest quotes ever to come out of Mumsnet.”
8. “AIBU to throw my bowl of pear across the kitchen?”
What would the infant mindset make of Mumsnet's popular Talk topic, mused one user in “If my three-year-old had access to AIBU…”. “Earlier today I demanded that my mother stop what she was doing and immediately get me a pear. She asked me if I wanted the pear to be cut up or whole. I replied 'cutted up,' and the utter arse of a woman cut up my pear! I was speechless with rage.”
9. “The perfect cube of poo”
And other memorable poos in inappropriate places…
One horrifying highlight:
“We took DS to a wedding when he was about eight-months-old. Shortly after his first taste of pureed broccoli, the bride held him for one of the photos (she likes the idea of herself as a gentle soul), and he filled his nappy with the most repellent substance I've ever smelled. Although he didn't get any on her, she had a faint pooey whiff for the rest of the day.”
Also see: “Naked 13-month-old on balcony of rented apartment in Spain. It rolled off towards the drainage hole and almost landed on an unsuspecting sunbather on the balcony below.”
And: “When it stopped I shouted for DH who then had to clean the outline of his wife in poo off the wall.”
10. “Any advice for caring for a drug-dependent baby?”
There are many, many amazing people on Mumsnet (we like to think) – for example, the late EarthMotherImNot, who fostered a very young baby who was suffering from drug withdrawal, while also dealing with her own considerable health problems. She bravely saw the child off to a happy adoption with a delighted family.
11. “There have been two people sat in a car outside my house for 83 hours”
Sometimes, being a Mumsnetter means offering 24-hour surveillance on the comings and goings of one's neighbours. Sometimes just comings, and no goings. “There have been two people sat in a car outside my house for 83 hours. Possibly longer.” Then it got steamy. And then they ordered pizza. Strange.
12. “A plate has fallen down the back of the loo”
Other times, it's support that's required. Like when trying to rescue a child-made plate that has fallen down the back of the loo. 'Booble plate', truly, was the thread that had everything: tension, a satisfying narrative arc, tears, Domestos bleach and bent wire hangers.
13. "The sinister Easter bonnet"
A frazzled Mumsnet user made an Easter bonnet for her fox-loving son. Upon completion, she worried that the finished article was a little, well… sinister. She turned to Mumsnet for reassurance, and received it in spades. “The look of evil on the fox's face is the stuff of nightmares. Will blow the other insipid offerings out of the water.”
14. “There is a tiny elderly Korean lady in my garden and I want to go out”
An EKL (Elderly Korean Lady) parked herself in the OP's garden while her son dismantled a summerhouse, and proceeded to win everyone's heart. “This is the oddest and sweetest thread I have ever read on Mumsnet,” one user said.
15. “Do you dunk your penis?”
And finally… there was the one about the penis beaker. Love it or hate it, you all read it. Don't even try to pretend you didn't.
Covered by the likes of The Guardian, Buzzfeed and The Telegraph, this thread made waves across the nation, as the site struggled to cope under the weight of traffic only comparable to the post-school rush hour.
Users flooded to the board to tell the OP that, no, their partner did not dunk his penis in a beaker of water after sex. It featured gems like: “That must be sexy. You do it then spring apart, and he plunges his knob into a bucket”, and: “Does your partner say 'I'm feeling fruity tonight, darling. FILL UP THE PENIS BEAKER'?!” Also: “My ex would've only needed an egg cup :)”. Yowza.
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Mumsnet: Babies: The Answer to Everything
A deep dive into the strange world of the postnatal, this is arguably the only baby advice book you'll ever need.
Pregnancy, The Mumsnet Guide: The Answers to Everything
From hormones to hypnobirthing, stretch marks to swollen ankles, birth plans to births-not-so-planned, and all the jitters and joys in between, Pregnancy: The Mumsnet Guide is the birthing bible for every parent-to-be.
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Top Bananas! brings you a collection of 120 tasty and hassle-free recipes – recommended, tweaked, tried and tested by real-life mums.
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