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19 year old DD tells me ALL boys want to throttle.

(449 Posts)
Spidermama Sun 11-Feb-18 21:01:58

I've just been left feeling really angry and powerless. DD tells me pretty much all boys 'even nice ones' like to put their hands around girl's throats semi strangling them as part of sex. She's told me other horrible things about what girls her age are fully expected to put up with.
She says the boys get it from porn and there's nothing unusual about it.

I and I'm sure many of us women, have put up with things during sex that we've not really liked just to get it over with. But this is getting ridiculous! It makes me so sad to think of all these young women having to put up with these levels of violence and hatred in something which is supposed to be enjoyable for them.

What can she do. I know how hard it is to stop things being done to you mid act.

Geronimoleapinglizards Sun 11-Feb-18 21:04:00

That's awful.

I suppose all she can do is be very picky and be really clear before hand about what she doesn't consent to. Hopefully her sexual partners are decent and will listen.

Lennythelion14 Sun 11-Feb-18 21:09:46

Makes me so worried for my girls. Also makes me wonder will my boys grow up to be like that, even with my best efforts to steer them away? 😞

SonicVersusGynaephobia Sun 11-Feb-18 21:12:38

Porn is RUINING sex for women. And men-I truly believe that.

All we can do is teach our sons that that is NOT sex, teach our daughters not to accept it, and immediately stop proceedings ourselves if we are ever having sex with a man who does this. And shame the men who do it.

I wish they would also address this in sex/relationships education.

PaperdollCartoon Sun 11-Feb-18 21:13:02

I think it’s sad how unrealistic a lot of people’s - and not just young people - ideas of what sex should involve are, and how this is impacted by porn. But actually I enjoy the act you mention, and personally have found myself having to persuade (for want of a better word) my male partners to do. I’ve generally been the more adventurous one in all my relationships.

The goal should be for everyone’s to understand consent and build trust in sexual relationships so desires can be explored in a safe way that’s mutually enjoyable for both partners. Being able to communicate with your partner about what you like and don’t like, and what you’re willing to try and where your line is is most important. That’s what we should be teaching our daughters. It’s not all just aggressive, porn obsessed men doing nasty things to passive women. I’m sure there’s plenty of young men feeling they have to do certain things to feel they’re meeting their female partners wants too.

Marmaladeorange Sun 11-Feb-18 21:13:47

Well. I’m in this age range with a fair few friends who are too (of both genders). We’re all pretty open with each other about our sex lives and experiences, but this one doesn’t come up much unless it’s explicit that one party has asked and the other party has consented.

BrandNewHouse Sun 11-Feb-18 21:17:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklepops123 Sun 11-Feb-18 21:17:54

Wow I’m old ( thank god ) on another point it’s great you have amazing open communication with your daughter - going back to being old and unafformative 😲

Spidermama Sun 11-Feb-18 21:26:52

Marmalade I'm relieved to hear this. Maybe my DD has just been unlucky. Paperdoll fair enough if you actually like it. But for boys to do it routinely without having cleared it with their partner is horrifying to me. I'd be properly scared. Surely it's the kind of thing you'd have to agree to.

SleightOfMind Sun 11-Feb-18 21:28:02

My DD is only eight but I have older sexually active sons.

The second bit of paperdoll’s post has huge resonance.

They’re growing up in a world that’s moving too fast to police. So we ^ have^ to teach our boys and girls to stop and listen to each other.

IMHO, they are well up with this and, actually, when you talk to them ( I’m including my DS’s platonic female friends in this) you feel a lot less panicky about the porn thing.

It’s the world they’re growing up in. We can’t turn back the tide but we can give them the confidence to navigate it on their own terms.

( I hope <wibble>)

UpstartCrow Sun 11-Feb-18 21:30:17

This is the second time I've been freaked out today about BDSM porn practices leaking into real life. The first one being men who force their fingers or thumbs into your mouth.

Wtaf is wrong with men.

upsideup Sun 11-Feb-18 21:34:28

I have a 22 year old dsd and she has never had anything like this. Its definately not 'all boys' and theres no 'even the nice ones' if there doing that then they are not nice at all.

sparklepops123 Sun 11-Feb-18 22:01:47

Yeah those fingers, thumbs or anything else would be gladly bitten off 😬

Winefred Sun 11-Feb-18 22:15:07

Should my dear old DH drop dead I won't be replacing him.

AngryAttackKittens Mon 12-Feb-18 08:12:17

Even if she can't stop the boy doing it during the act because she's too scared, what she can do is dump him afterwards and tell him why. And if he says "but it's normal and everyone does it!" tell him to go ask his mum if she thinks it's normal and supports his strangling his girlfriends.

If the little bastards want to pretend that they just don't know any better then let them explain that to someone who they'll be embarrassed to say it to.

This particular porn inspired piece of abusive behavior isn't just unpleasant, it's potentially fatal. Someone can seem fine at the time and then die a few hours later. Add that to the prolapsed rectums medical professionals are starting to see on teenaged girls and I'm not sure how anyone justifies a "porn is harmless" approach. At absolute best it makes men selfish, incompetent sexual partners, and that's if you ignore the abuse that goes into the making of it and the whole "strangling can kill people even if that wasn't the intention" aspect and all the other problems.

BertrandRussell Mon 12-Feb-18 08:17:38

15 posts and porn apologists already.

MephistophelesApprentice Mon 12-Feb-18 08:23:17

Yes, Bert, we're well aware that anything other than missionary with the lights off is an affront to the Great Dworkin In The Sky.

BertrandRussell Mon 12-Feb-18 08:26:51

AND there's another one.

Backenette Mon 12-Feb-18 08:27:05

Throttling without clearing it beforehand is assault. Even if the sex itself is consensual

If people want to do it that’s fine - between willing consenting adults that’s a different matter. But if a guy starts throttling you during sex that is assault.

Absolutely horrendous

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha Mon 12-Feb-18 08:28:23

I don't think your daughters experience is usual AT ALL. Someone has normalised this for her, but you need to be clearer to her that it is not normal. I don't think feeling sad and saying "I know it is hard to stop things being done to you mid act" is what she needs at all.

HRTpatch Mon 12-Feb-18 08:28:57

My dd is 22 and ds 19. Not something either of them have done or indulged in.
So it's not everybody

Butterymuffin Mon 12-Feb-18 08:31:47

Strange how it's always women as recipient. Do men enjoy this as much? Are they regularly depicted in porn having this done to them? If it's just a question of sensation you'd think it would work for both men and women.

BertrandRussell Mon 12-Feb-18 08:32:18

Yes. People need to know that saying no at any point during sex means that it stops at that moment.
If most of your education about sex comes from porn you will not learn this. This is a massive issue for young-and not so young-people.

Backenette Mon 12-Feb-18 08:33:15

It is assault. If my dh and I were having a nice shag and he started throttling me I’d be out the door and filing sexual battery charges.

It’s so sad - are young women going to have to reel off a list of extreme acts they’re not willing to do before having sex? These are acts that should only be done between consenting adults who have discussed what they are wanting, what limits they have etc etc.

Your daughters friends have been assaulted, plain and simple

AngryAttackKittens Mon 12-Feb-18 08:35:21

Also, I totally understand that there are reasons why some women end up doing this, but can we not teach young women that this is inevitable, please?

I and I'm sure many of us women, have put up with things during sex that we've not really liked just to get it over with.

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