19 year old DD tells me ALL boys want to throttle.

[Spidermama]

I've just been left feeling really angry and powerless. DD tells me pretty much all boys 'even nice ones' like to put their hands around girl's throats semi strangling them as part of sex. She's told me other horrible things about what girls her age are fully expected to put up with.
She says the boys get it from porn and there's nothing unusual about it.

I and I'm sure many of us women, have put up with things during sex that we've not really liked just to get it over with. But this is getting ridiculous! It makes me so sad to think of all these young women having to put up with these levels of violence and hatred in something which is supposed to be enjoyable for them.

What can she do. I know how hard it is to stop things being done to you mid act.

I like a bit of throttling, it's one of my 'things' but even then I will only participate with someone I trust. That takes time & a conscious effort from both parties to prove that we understand each other's boundaries. The idea of someone I was first having sex with, or had not explicitly discussed fetishes etc with, thinking it's okay to strangle me? Hell no. That would be crossing a massive line.

I have a DD, I hope that she & I will have a close enough relationship that we can discuss this. And if I found out someone - male or female because both sides do it - had tried to strangle her in some porno replay without her consent i'd break their bloody necks

Contemporary Pankhurst there's not much that makes me squeamish but having seen that page, I want to vomit. Terrified for my little DD growing up in this world. Why aren't the people responsible for that stuff being hunted down and put away? My heart is breaking.

What can we do?

I mean, what can we do to stop this, in terms of activism, political power?

The biggest impact on our kids surely will have to come from us? That's sons as well as daughters. We all (i hope) do the safe sex 'birds & bees' talks, surely now we have to expand that to include other things such as the impact of porn & fetishes?

Our kids have to be empowered to a) be able to talk openly about what they encounter and b) to be reminded that every person deserves respect.

I'm about five years older than her-throttling was definitely not the norm when I was her age. The nice boys didn't do anything beyond intimate sex on elbows. The not nice boys wouldn't try anything beyond that without asking first-they definitely did not expect it. Obviously this wasn't true of ALL boys but certainly true of the crowd I was a part of. I find it hard to believe that so much has changed.

Well, for a start, those of us who watch porn can stop. And stop tellling each other that it’s perfectly normal and harmless and all men watch it. And that if we think our men don’t we are deluded and they are lying to us.

sourpatchkid Streaming content is now covered by the BBFC since a 2014 law change. You could write to them and ask why they are not enforcing their own guidelines, which they are required to do by law.

Write to your MP quoting titles and viewing figures, we are not looking at the darkest corners of the internet. Things to suggest is looking at an opt-in for pornography websites from the service provider. This is important for smartphones which is how most teenagers access pornography. A system of if one wants to access pornography one must write with scanned I.D. to one's service provider requesting it to be unlocked.

Jaqueline Gold who is the head of Ann Summers is also a trustee of the children's trust charity. Write to the children's trust highlighting the pornhub deal and asking if its suitable that Gold is in the role considering that the most popular content on pornhub this month in the U.K. is 'incest' and 'teen'. (Pornhub has an option to order videos by nationality and popularity).
www.jacquelinegold.com/profile/charities/

Twitter outrage over it.

Because of the pornhub deal one can write to owners of shopping malls if the Ann Summers is next to a children's store.

The Untameable Shrews are an international group who produce stickers which are Antiporn and place them on the back of cubicle doors etc. to get a conversation going.

Feminist groups taking on the porn industry include #notbuyingit and Object! which is getting running again after its no page three win and subsequent silence.

My 21 year old cousin confessed how much she hated giving blow jobs to me a few months back. In fact she said the thought of it made her panicky. Turns out her first and only 2 boyfriends had been forcing her to deep threat, she had no control what so ever. Why didn't she stop it? Because she'd seen porn and thought it was normal and what was expected of her.

To what extent do mothers talk to their sons about this stuff? Is it too uncomfortable, and if so do you get their dad to do it instead? My DH has attempted to talk to his nephew/godson about some of this stuff, but didn't realize that he needed to until the kid said some things that made him stop and go "wait, WTF are you saying and where did you get the idea that it was OK to talk about your girlfriend like that?" Turned out that the answer was "from his stupid little friends".

having to put up with these levels of violence and hatred in something which is supposed to be enjoyable for them.

Who the fuck says they have to put up with it? You OP? Christ what a thoroughly depressing post and parent you are. They DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

what can she do - SHE CAN STATE VERY VERY CLEARLY 'GET YOUR HANDS FROM OFF MY THROAT RIGHT NOW AND LEAVE.'

Did you REALLY need to post on MN for that advice? Christ.

Angry i'm 30, have an older brother & a younger one. We all got the talk about respecting ourselves & who we were with & that 'what you see in the films isn't what it's like in real life' - but all from my mum. Everything sex & relationship based came from my mum.

It's so depressing. DHs nephew was an absolute sweetheart as a little kid and watching society attempt to turn him into a "man" has been horrifying, and has made me much more aware of the extent to which male socialization is designed to kill off empathy in boys. Seems like for every effort their family makes to turn them into decent human beings there are 100 other people pushing them in the opposite direction.

The thing is as well, those who think it is acceptable to throttle/force deep throat etc without any discussion of consent would, 9 times out of 10, go absolutely batshit if somebody did that to their child. It's a very self centred, selfish world we live in & a very hypocritical one

I've never watched porn, and have always found it disgusting (whilst having a fair idea of what might be in its most extreme versions), but it's still a shock to see some of those images.

I live and work in a very middle class world, but it's still male dominated with a fair undercurrent of palpable misogyny. I find it horrendous how many useful idiots there are who will find some way to excuse or validate this. A colleague was recently convicted of extreme child porn offences and I was shocked at a few other colleagues who went out of their way to excuse or "understand" how he must have been enduring terrible torments. Some of these people were women, or fervent Christians.

People need to understand what the availability of pornography has brought us.

The biggest impact on our kids surely will have to come from us?

Really?

You think your parents have had the biggest impact on your sex life?

Certainly not the case for me. My sexual partners were, but they weren't millennial porn addicts.

having to put up with these levels of violence and hatred in something which is supposed to be enjoyable for them.
Who the fuck says they have to put up with it? You OP? Christ what a thoroughly depressing post and parent you are. They DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I appreciate that you think you are helping. But you're not. So if you actually give a shit about the OP's daughter why not offer good advice?

Lots of women actually do have to put up with it because they're being assaulted. Or afraid of being assaulted. Or think it's normal so they should just accept that they are the one with an issue. Even MN regularly tells women that they should try and have sex if they aren't interested "to get into it" etc. The OP is discussing a current problem not saying she told her daughter to just suck it up and let boys grab her throat.

Valentine my parents were the biggest influence in me having the guts to say no, absolutely. And them having such an open door policy when it came to talking about things meant i felt comfortable enough to discuss with my mum when a boyfriend did something i wasn't happy with. Rather than getting the prudish 'we don't talk about sex here' bullshit that a lot of my friends got, i got reassurance that actually it is me in control of what happens. And if I don't like something i am not fridgid to say no...again like a lot of my friends got!!!

Wayfarersonbaby the violence is terrible, i'm sorry you have seen it but more women need to know what the reality is I think and talk to each other and get angry.
I was a libfem and 'sex-positive' until another feminist asked me if I knew what porn was and patiently introduced me to the reality of it. I even talk to men who do a turn around once I show them what it is and what is popular. The 'free choice in their own homes, your trying to censor what you consider wrong' argument deflates when you respond 'we censor child pornography, bestiality, why not the torture of women?'.
Consent - 'At what point during the filming of this teenager screaming and crying while she is gang-raped did consent stop? Or was it when they shaved her head and pissed on her as a group? If we believe this was consensual what has brought her to that choice?'

Conviction wise the owner of slavespace was convicted in America for human trafficking and kidnap but not battery or rape. The woman who brought the charges appears in a video where she is bound and hung from the wall, he then sticks a rag in her mouth and sows her mouth closed using surgical needles.
edition.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/13/scotus.sex.trafficking/index.html

'porn apologists'

Porn is not the problem. Just like violent video games or films arent the problem. Its communication and parenting.

I just dont think reasonable men are immediately turned into raving rapist monsters when confronted with some violent pornography. I dont care how 'saturated' their upbringing was. It doesnt mean they are all suddenly without any capacity to consider.

Im not a porn apologist I just think its ridiculous to mistake a symptom for a cause. Men are not made misogynist by pornography. Pornography is affected by the misogyny of society. You cant just scream to ban things that many reasonable people can enjoy without problems. Its not going to actually tackle anything. You tackle it by talking about it openly.

I and I'm sure many of us women, have put up with things during sex that we've not really liked just to get it over with

^that doesn't mean this was the advice she gave her daughter. It means what it says on the tin, yes, women often "put up" with sex. Why? Who the fuck knows. They want to be loved, liked, they think it's normal? Repeating things that happen to women and discussing them is how you stop the cycle. It doesn't mean you perpetuate the cycle or that you are responsible for male violence. I hate that reaction to women discussing issues that affect them.

Yes, I was -and am- an influence on my dd’s life. But her sex life had hardly got under way when she left home at 17 to go to University. She had some horrible experiences at the hands of men her own age and older. What was I supposed to do about that?

I just dont think reasonable men are immediately turned into raving rapist monsters when confronted with some violent pornography. I dont care how 'saturated' their upbringing was. It doesnt mean they are all suddenly without any capacity to consider

If you enjoy watching women get hurt your sexuality changes. That's not the same as playing a violent video game.

"The perfect woman" is culturally specific. Large breasts, breasts small hips, large hips, blond, brunette. Twiggy, Marilyn Monroe whoever, this changes on the tastes of the media.

To many young boys the perfect woman is tied down being forcibly gagged with a dick. The language around porn is sexist and hugely racist. Of course, it affects them.

Also, OP got the message that she had to put up with stuff she didn't want from somewhere. Now that it's her daughter's safety on the line, she's trying to overcome that conditioning in order to help her child. How does the kind of omg you're a terrible person stuff that some people have been throwing at her help?

I'm about as belligerent as it gets when it comes to confronting the idea that men have any right to bulldoze over women's sexual boundaries, but this isn't a woman supporting that, this is a woman struggling to get past her own trauma to help her child. Can't we try to help her?

Well, there are other issues with porn apart from the impact it has on the sexual expectations of the young. But that’s not what this thread is about.