19 year old DD tells me ALL boys want to throttle.

[Spidermama]

I've just been left feeling really angry and powerless. DD tells me pretty much all boys 'even nice ones' like to put their hands around girl's throats semi strangling them as part of sex. She's told me other horrible things about what girls her age are fully expected to put up with.
She says the boys get it from porn and there's nothing unusual about it.

I and I'm sure many of us women, have put up with things during sex that we've not really liked just to get it over with. But this is getting ridiculous! It makes me so sad to think of all these young women having to put up with these levels of violence and hatred in something which is supposed to be enjoyable for them.

What can she do. I know how hard it is to stop things being done to you mid act.

Most papers chose to go tabloid when they were losing subscribers, I think.

it's my choice and I like it is all very well but should be kept out of the beds and threads of women who have their own priorities which they would rather not have overridden.

Fundamentally even if we ignore all the aspects of socialization that went into that choice, so what, if another woman is clearly stating that it's not what she wants? It comes up so often though and can derail so effectively that a standard "this is how we respond when someone does that" policy might be worth thrashing out.

Well I think it's just bollocks. If you're so pornsick you are prioritising the wishes of some imaginary woman over the wishes of the woman you're in bed with -or absolutely anything else - you should be disqualified from ever being alone with a woman.

And if you're claiming to be a responsible or caring male, you should disqualify yourself

Otherwise you're a rapey fucker and your views on the socialisation that got you there are of no interest to me.

It's probably not directly from porn for that individual, more peer pressure and magazines etc, but an awful lot of sexual trends seem to stem from porn in the first instance.

Plenty of parts on the human body have different tones, so the only reason someone might worry about that area is because they've been told they need to worry about it.

As for the porn industry. You need only look at how 'obsolete' a woman becomes to the industry once she reaches her 30's. If it was anywhere near legitimate, what would her age matter?
It's pure exploitation, regardless of being paid well (for a handful) or badly (the rest).

It's illegal in England to depict a child in a sexual manner in a cartoon or via a photorealistic render, and yet websites can use very young looking women to market themselves under 'teen sex' headlines. Successive governments have done next to nothing to stop it. I appreciate the technical difficulties in trying to do so, but they've made more effort into preventing copyright theft from the large media companies than they have of preventing highly questionable porn.

'Teen sex' isn't aimed at teens, it's aimed at adult men. We seemingly abhor by paedophilia, yet happily lead men down that path 24 hours a day. The website owners argue it's about late teens (but they'll use school uniforms in their imagery?).

Oh, I was talking about the women who say stuff like that. In terms of the men, well, see response to Brilliant above, who's been showing up on all the "sexy" threads with much the same agenda.

Frankly, I don't give a shiny shit about blokes and their dodgy relationships with porn or about spending my precious time persuading them out of them. Much quicker to tell the pornsick to fuck the fuck off and only bother coming back when they've sorted themselves out. First priority - explaining to other women that it's perfectly ok to do that.

Ah, think my exasperation got the better of me there.

'it's my choice and I like it' implies that the speaker values choice. Perhaps it would be worth pointing out that women who don't like it are having their choice taken away from them.

Points up.

What Lang said. If men want to help then their best bet would be to go talk to other men about why porn is a problem.

Bizarrely while searching for face cream recommendations on mn I found this thread:

I found it interesting and worrying that the op wasn't hugely sure how to feel.

Face Slappingwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/sex/2715407-Face-Slapping

Ugh comments.

The thing is, you can pretend to be a porn slut once in a while, can't you? But there is a risk (imo) that this may be a fetish where it's the only way he can get off.

She could, but why should she?

OK wait a minute, dude works with victims of trafficking and sexual abuse and someone has this to say.

Personally I do not feel there is a contradiction between doing a job with vicitims of sexual violence and being sexually dominant - I think it is a bit narrow minded of people to suggest that. The person I am secretly and sexually is in direct contrast to my daily life - you would never guess if you knew me and I think chatting to him honestly is the best way through this - that s why he has said this now, he wants to engage in a conversation about preferences which is perfectly reasonable. Unreasonable and worrying would be him doing it and then talking about it.

It's frustrating watching women make excuses for blatantly shitty behavior from men. A man who gets off on degrading women should not be in that kind of job, and it's OK to say so.

BertrandRussell

"AND there's another one."

I thought diversity was our strength?

I'm very much against porn but using shaming language to close down a debate isn't the way forward. Unless you're happy to sit in an echo chamber that is.

So glad Kiri Tunks has rt the Ann summers new statesman article. Schools / educators need to be more aware of all of this.

The GG - Gaslighting Guardian (?) Guaudiansplaining is the best so far.
AngryAttackKittens I think the Guardian change correlates with the rising anger of the new backlash of misogyny, it has built to a crescendo now.

I find the 'you have to convince the men' idea laughable and a rewording of be polite, ask nicely. Its bollocks. Since when has asking nicely won anything for women? The vote - that took militancy. Its a ridiculous argument: be polite, be nice, convince the men that they should allow you your universe given rights of equality and if you smile a bit more then maybe one day you women will be considered fully human.

I'm no longer willing to stroke your ego dude. Get in you lane.

See the work of Jackson Katz for an explanation of why the people who should be convincing men are men.

www.ted.com/talks/jackson_katz_violence_against_women_it_s_a_men_s_issue

As LangCleg says, women would do a lot better to put our energy into convincing other women they don't have to put up with this shit

It's not our job to convince men to stop being violent exploitative assholes, and frankly when you get men posting in threads like this they often seem like they're enjoying doing so a little too much. If my pointing that out and telling them to sod off makes them sad or angry, oh well!

Sexually dominant is usually a euphemism for controlling. Controlling in a way that sees the other person carrying out sexual acts at the mercy of the controller.
It's funny how domination is about giving out the orders and getting what you want.
How often does a dominant say "I am going to be assertive and have you choke me because it turns me on?" Never. But they might want to choke you. They've packaged their sexual proclivities as dominance, but inside the package is nothing but degrading acts. Those acts needn't be degrading when mutually entered into, the degradation is a result of using them to emphasise one is in control and the other is.

If two people enjoy a sexual act, why not just enjoy it. Once you start loading it with submissive or dominant interpretations, it means someone needs to feel power over you to get pleasure. That's a very thin end of a dangerous wedge.

I really honestly don't know where my kinks came from. Yeah, I read a lot of fanfiction, but I was already getting turned on by those things as I was reading them, so I must have already have them? I wasn't sexually abused as a kid yet was into incest-sex and non-con stuff since I can remember. It really turned me on, even at 13. Who knows? Maybe I was secretly abused by my stepdad or something and these fantasies are what I'm left with

I think at that age (or maybe any age but especially when you're first learning about sex) anything overtly sexual can kind of give you those feelings can't it? Which is why it can be so confusing for kids who hear something inappropriate and then get a hard of or feel aroused.

The arousal response is what makes young people feel "dirty" who have been abused. they think they must have wanted it or liked it because it made them feel a certain way, and really it's just about the body's involuntary response.

If you kept at it though I'm sure it would shape your views on sexuality to get you to the point you are now. It is a sort of grooming process.

the thing is, porn is here to stay isn't it. it would be great if the UK said we don't want it you can't make it whatever. but there's no real way we could stop it entering schools or homes from other countries. There are millions of videos already on people's phones. It's happened it's done. Even if you could magically make it stop you couldn't undo the generation of boys who think sex is violent and girls who think it's something a woman should endure and pretend to like.

So the only thing left is actually to have really terrible horrible conversations with our own children and in schools about what it actually is. I think most parents will struggle and I think a lot of schools will push back.

I’ve just watched a video about gun control in America and comparing it to Australia where they did ban guns and mass shootings have stopped and death and suicide rates by gun have decreased.

So I think porn is similar and could be banned. It should at the very least be regulated like the film industry, be rated and verified by independent experts that everyone consented and if the act is violent out of a sex context then it should not be allowed. Verified porn should be behind age safeguards and not freely available online. Anyone that makes it freely available online should be prosecuted and heavily fined. Anyone making violent porn should be jailed. Anyone making porn where the consent of participants is not freely given should be jailed.

If you think of the hoops people need to go through these days to buy cigarettes and alcohol and the impact this has had on young people’s lifestyles then regulation and restriction do work. There has to be a will to do it and the porn industry was fortunate that objections to it fell under prudish/religious arguments so it’s been very easy for it to flourish without other groups feeling they need to take an interest.

People need educating about porn and what is available because most people won’t realise how horrifically violent porn is freely available online on mainstream sites. I’m heartened that you couldn’t get on pornhub through my 4g provider (WiFi had controls set up too) so at least there are some ways to escape viewing this stuff accidentally.

Porn is ruining our boys. They also all want anal sex, can't understand the concept of it not being pleasurable for some, and that being completely shaved should be a given. Sweeping generalisation i know but i've talked to a few younger men who think this.

We might accept a generation has already been exposed, but we might try to prevent the next generation from the same.
The way the internet is going though, I fear it will get far worse. Stemming the tide might not appease everybody (who may only accept an outright ban), but it's a start that might spare a few victims. Pissing in the wind? Maybe.
Technologically ISPs can do lots to help. Far more than parents can. Technically savvy people can work past the barriers, but the day to day masses won't. It needs ISPs, device manufactures and developers to make it difficult, and they can. They won't do it though, because their profits benefit from it, particularly cellular providers, as they still operate usage based tariffs where porn is a nice little earner.

Steve Biddulph shared info about (possibly an ex porn actor? Can't remember) a man now going to schools teaching about the negative effects of porn.

I think I may have shared it on mn but can't find it. (Someone criticised it as mansplaining which I felt missed the point that boys are going to listen more to someone they identify with.)

Oh this is it. He's a boxer with a dubious surname in NZ. But describes what I guess many young teens are experiencing here. Not sure about all of it but I guess these are the sort of campaigns that are needed in schools.

fightthenewdrug.org/activist-richie-hardcore-talks-porns-effects-new-zealand-australia/