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a letter to the woman who called me a terf

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carrotandcornsoup Sun 10-Dec-17 07:01:13

To the woman who shrieked at me that I am a bigot and a terf and a hateful transphobe for defending women's rights,

Ten, fifteen years from now, I ask you to remember me.

Remember me when you have your first baby and you're referred to throughout your pregnancy as a birthing individual, a pregnant person, and it makes you feel kind of dehumanised and you wish they'd just call you a woman, a mother, because that's what you are. But they're not allowed, because it's illegal to say only women can be pregnant and give birth.

Remember me when you give birth and you feel vulnerable and exposed and you really want a woman beside you who understands what you're going through and instead your midwife is a six foot man with stubble in a dress and you know he isn't a woman but you're not allowed to object, even when you need to be examined and you just want a woman to do it but you know you can't say anything because that would be hate speech, even though your body is screaming no.

Remember me when your elderly mother, who has lost her mind to dementia, goes into a care home and is told that her carer, Susan, is a woman, because you asked that she only be cared for by women. And even in her addled state of mind, she knows that Susan is a man, and you know Susan is a man, but you cannot object, and she has to allow Susan to perform her intimate care, because to object would be hate speech.

Remember me when your daughter comes home from school crying, the daughter who has spent the last five years training to be the best athlete in her class, her school, her district, she's crying because Lucas in her class, one of the fastest boys, has decided he identifies as female for now and so is allowed to run in her race, and she knows it doesn't matter how hard she trains, he will always beat her, and she can only ever hope for a silver medal now. Or bronze, if there is another Lucas.

Remember me when you go into a toilet late at night, perhaps in a bar, and there's noone else around, and a guy walks in, he has a beard and is wearing jeans and a t shirt, and the way he looks at you seems off, and you feel afraid and unsettled and worried he might hurt you. But you can't challenge him, because if you do he'll say he's a woman and has as much right as you do to be in this toilet, a place where many years ago you might have come to feel safe.

Remember me when you go for a promotion, for a board position at work that's designated for a woman. You've put in the hours, you've worked so hard, you know you deserve it. And the position goes to Lola, who until last year was a 50 year old man. Lola will never do anything inconvenient like needing time off to have babies, or to deal with any health issues that you, a woman might face, like endometriosis, breast cancer, PND. Lola is a woman just like you, and your company are happy that they have fulfilled their quota of women members on the board.

Remember me when you read on the news that crime statistics for women committing rape and murder are on the increase, and now women carry out a much higher number of rapes and murders than they did when you were a teenager or a young woman. And you know that these 'women' are men and that the statistics are wrong, but to challenge this would be hate speech. Remember me too, when these women rapists are locked up with vulnerable women in female prisons and cannot escape, because to challenge the presence of the women rapists with penises in prison with them would be hate speech.

Remember me when your son comes home from school and says that he's learned at school that you can change sex and that some girls have penises and some boys have vaginas and that his teacher said that because he likes playing with girls and dolls that maybe he is really a girl in the wrong body. And you think, no, you are just my wonderful, unique, son, and you were born in your own body. Remember me when a few months down the line the teacher calls you in and says she's concerned that you are not validating your son's identity and that she's noticed you are still referring to him by the name you so carefully chose for him when he was born, and calling him a boy, when he is actually a girl, and that she doesn't want to have to involve social services but she's worried she might have to if you continue to misgender your son and deny his real identity. And you know that she will, because it's happened before in a school near you, and you are afraid.

In this brave new world that you helped to create, look around for your transactivist friends, your lefty male allies, the ones you stood beside and yellled 'terf, transphobe, bigot' with, with you shouting the loudest, because you wanted to show what a good ally you were, how inclusive, how progressive. Where are they now? Why, they are where they always were. Benefitting from the patriarchy. Enjoying the new, improved version of it that you helped them to build by crushing the resistance from the women who spoke up for their rights. This has all cost them nothing; it has made the world a better, easier place for men. It has cost you and your sisters who campaigned with them for virtue cookies, everything.

And me? I'll be where I've always been. Fighting for your rights. Fighting to undo the damage.

I'll have your back, as I always have done.

OP’s posts: |
strawberryblondebint Sun 10-Dec-17 07:06:02

This is amazingly truthful and so scary. Thank you

Nuffaluff Sun 10-Dec-17 07:11:34

These scenarios sound ridiculous, impossible.
They absolutely can happen. It has already started.

sweatylemon Sun 10-Dec-17 07:19:46

You write so incredibly well.
This is scary stuff, and it is starting to happen.

SophoclesTheFox Sun 10-Dec-17 07:22:56

that’s a powerful piece of writing, carrot. Have you thought about maybe submitting it to Fair Play for Women or similar?

StealthPolarBear Sun 10-Dec-17 07:23:16

Yes I'm sure there were (partial) similar posts five years or so ago that I read and thought "don't be so ridiculous".
I also thought sense would prevail about leaving the eu and that Donald trump was a joke presidential candidate, a bit like the monster raving loony party here.
Shows how wrong I can be

CocaColaTruck Sun 10-Dec-17 07:27:56

Still Spartacus.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem1 Sun 10-Dec-17 07:30:22

Scary, scary stuff 😡😔

TheWitchAndTrevor Sun 10-Dec-17 07:32:21


mogloveseggs Sun 10-Dec-17 07:33:21

I have no idea what a terf is but what you’re describing is so worrying. I can’t even begin to imagine. I’m not big up in social media but what can I do to help this not be the way forward please?

BanyanChristmasTree Sun 10-Dec-17 07:35:42

Until this affects mens rights and makes them feel uncomfortable nothing will change. Whenever I talk to males in my family about this I get the impression that they don't think it is something that affects them, that these people are no longer their problem as they have moved groups and they find it a trifle amusing. They won't feel threatened about a transitioning F-M going into their locker rooms.

I read THIS article the other day and I thought YES!!!!! We need women to start rocking the boat back. I'm pretty sure that when MEN start feeling uncomfortable and having their rights eroded then this nonsense will take on a more sensible approach.

BanyanChristmasTree Sun 10-Dec-17 07:36:41

This needs to be published somewhere.

TheMasterNotMargarita Sun 10-Dec-17 07:37:49

Wow. That's so eloquent, OP.
Like a pp, you should get it published somewhere.

ferntwist Sun 10-Dec-17 07:38:04

This is brilliant and terrifying. I’ve got tears in my eyes thinking about our future.
I’ll be with you there OP, still fighting for women. The toxic transmania, the silencing and beating of women who dissent has turned me into a raging feminist and that is never going to disappear now.

slothface Sun 10-Dec-17 07:38:27

There are plenty of us who have no issue being examined/cared for/sharing changing rooms or hospitals etc with trans women. I know I personally would have no problem with a straight heterosexual male doing all of the above, let alone a trans woman, and plenty of people feel the same. Please don't assume all women are opposed to the integration of sexes or feel threatened by someone's genitals.

RedToothBrush Sun 10-Dec-17 07:39:03

For anyone interested Nick Cohen has a piece in the guardian which talks about the totalitarianism of the left. It was published online last night and makes reference to the trans debate.

I mention it because I've previously made the point about this being part of a wider thing to silence dissent and restrict debate and have mentioned Nick Cohen in passing as someone who has been warning about this for many years prior to Corbyn. It is interesting to see him pick up on the trans thing in particular too.

It is not just about trans ideology. It's hitched to other things. It makes it more difficult to challenge.

OhforfucksakeFay Sun 10-Dec-17 07:40:12


carrotandcornsoup Sun 10-Dec-17 07:41:18

Thank you everyone. I felt quite tearful writing about the gender non conforming son, as mine was for a time. I thank God he was born when he was and not now!

OP’s posts: |
ferntwist Sun 10-Dec-17 07:47:03

sloth the point is that our choice and freedom not to be examined intimately or receive personal care from a man will be taken away. That is a huge erosion of women’s rights. Most people hate mixed hospital wards and would not be happy for their children to use a mixed sex shower at the pool. Many older (and younger) people feel more comfortable with a carer of the same sex. Transmania and the crazy dogma that a penis is female just because its male owner says so will strip women of privacy, dignity and sanity.

DurhamDurham Sun 10-Dec-17 07:47:47

The best and most important post I have ever read on Mumsnet. Thank you for saying what I feel so passionately and eloquently.

ferntwist Sun 10-Dec-17 07:48:08

So glad your son is feeling better carrot. Thank goodness the Mermaids crew didn’t get their claws into him.

SophoclesTheFox Sun 10-Dec-17 07:49:34

Personally, I don’t have an issue with being examined by males etc, either, sloth. But many, many women do, for very understandable reasons and I won’t chuck them under the bus. Honestly, you read that post and your sole urge was to scold? Sheesh.

Howyoualldoworkme Sun 10-Dec-17 07:54:43

That is one of the best pieces on this whole tragic situation I have ever read. I'm crying here, not for me I'm old, but for my small grandchildren and their children.
This really really deserves a wider audience.
And thank you flowers

PeanutButterIsEverything Sun 10-Dec-17 08:00:59

This is great and should be published more widely. Thank you. I am sure to most people this is a non issue at the moment (I don't know a single trans person) but I have a young son and I hope to have another child one day and I hope to goodness this madness has subsided by then.

The emperor's new clothes with knobs on (literally!)

Nuffaluff Sun 10-Dec-17 08:05:10

red. Thanks for posting that article- that is interesting. Have you see the other thread about 'another Labour mysoginist'? It's relevant to that.

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