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Step mum woes...

(192 Posts)
Saem12 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:02:53

Hi all. A little background before I start. Me and my fiancé have a 9 month old son together and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. A boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5. We have the children every other weekend. When we have the children we always do really fun days out and try to make the time we have them as enjoyable as possible. By the time they leave I am exhausted! I do ALL of the housework in our home as my fiancé is so untidy... anyway this weekend just gone they kept saying how much they wanted to ‘go back to mummy’s house’. They have said this quite a lot before but particularly this weekend. It can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth sometimes when you’re running round after them like a blue ass fly but hey ho that’s kids for you! But this weekend it really got to my fiancé and he was really upset about it. I don’t know why but it kinda frustrated me I was thinking are me and my son not enough to make you happy. And it feels like he takes time with our son for granted and wants to put him to bed early all time. If he was so upset about not seeing his other 2 children as much, then why isn’t he making the most of spending time with the child that he has got more of the time.

Furthermore it sounds awful to say but I am really not fond of my step son. It’s like his presence just irritates me. He’s naughty and is always taking toys off my son and making him cry. (They all have plenty of toys here and are not short of them). He said he doesn’t like my son (he’s 9 months old) and is always saying my son is trying to hurt him etc. It winds me up something rotten. I just wish he would bloody disappear. I know I sound horrible, evil, nasty etc. But I can’t help the way I feel! I wish I could be more tolerant of him but he drives me insane! I feel so overwhelmed all the time and wonder what the hell have I got myself into. I need to be more mature and just think ‘he’s a child’ but I can’t! What’s wrong with me!

Dancingmonkey87 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:08:04

biscuit the boy is three years old and you want him to disappear! No wonder they want their dm they are young kids. You don’t have to constantly play Disney parent you can do stuff in the home baking, arts and crafts, games etc. Your dp is allowed to miss his dc

lunar1 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:08:56

Maybe he wishes you and your child would bloody disappear. A new half sibling living with their dad is a big adjustment.

Dancingmonkey87 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:12:06

If the boy is only 3years old you can’t have been together long before you had your baby op. He is no doubt feeling insecure and jealous

Saem12 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:37:07

I don’t think SS remembers his mum and dad together as he was 1 when they split. (His Mum was cheating on my fiancé). I can’t help my dislike for him, sad I know. But are you supposed to just automatically love a child because he’s my fiancé’s son? Don’t get me wrong I would never be mean to him and I look after him when he’s here. (Cook, wash his clothes, bedding, bathe him etc). But I resent him being here. I love my step daughter we have developed a really good bond. Maybe I feel threatened because the child is a boy like my son. But I just don’t think he’s a particularly likeable child. Even his own grandmother and aunt say they haven’t bonded with him because he’s so difficult. I get this feeling of dread when it’s our weekend to have them... argh

takeittakeit Sun 18-Mar-18 20:40:50

His parents split as a baby, so he deos not really know his Dad, Dad has a new partner and a new baby - he feels threatened.

The whole family, grandparents included need to make him feel secure.

Dancingmonkey87 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:42:08

So you basically got pregnant straight away before these kids had any opportunity to get to know you properly and form a bond? Bit reckless to get pregnant so quickly when your dp had dc. He is 3year olds he’s still very little and can be very challenging. He’s had his df get a new partner and baby in a short space of time. Btw your dp tells you his ex was cheating you don’t know if that’s necessarily the truth.

pigeondujour Sun 18-Mar-18 20:42:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Dancingmonkey87 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:43:29

Maybe I feel threatened because the child is a boy like my son This sentence says it all the poor kid.

hotstepper4 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:47:58

Op you won't get any help here people love a bit of step mum bashing. I understand what you mean, I'm a step mum too. If you are on Facebook there's a brilliant support group for stepmums called The Unapologetic Stepmom I've had no end of support and advice there.

stitchglitched Sun 18-Mar-18 20:48:11

Why did you have a baby with a man whose toddler you resent? Utterly selfish of the pair of you and just another example of kids paying the price for the selfish choices of adults. He has been through enough disruption in his life and his father should have thought twice before adding a selfish, immature girlfriend and new baby into the mix. And 3 year olds are babies, he may seem like a big bruiser compared to your baby but maybe when your son gets to that age you will see how little they still are and feel suitably ashamed of yourself.

Saem12 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:49:28

Well the plot thickens.... I have a feeling that my SS is not my fiancé’s bio son, from some things he’s told me. He said that the only time him and his ex had sex is when she took the morning after pill.... she was cheating. Furthermore SS looks NOTHING like my fiancé, or my son or his ‘full’ sister. My fiancé seems to have very strong genes as his daughter and my son both look very like him. We’ve discussed this and my fiancé says he would treat him as his own son now no matter if he was his or not. I offered to get a dna test but my fiancé doesn’t want to know. He doesn’t think it’d be any good for him or his son to find out that he wasn’t his father. Strangely enough my fiancé admitted today that he didn’t feel he had a bond with his son and he’s been trying really hard to create one. Maybe this is because he subconsciously thinks that he is not his son? What do you guys think?

Qvar Sun 18-Mar-18 20:50:30

The most selfish post today, well done.

stitchglitched Sun 18-Mar-18 20:50:31

I think you are a twat.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Sun 18-Mar-18 20:50:58

Sounds like it’s all happened a bit quickly - no wonder he’s acting up. He may not ‘remember’ by he will be unsettled by all the changes and be able to pick up on your unloving vibes.

I’m not judging - it’s bloody difficult spending time with DCs who aren’t yours and there’s nothing to make you love them just because you happen to love their dad. I found my XDP’s dd irritating and ended up distancing myself from her as I couldn’t fake it. In the end I had a bit of a melt down about it and it’s one of the many reasons we’re not together anymore, as I couldn’t face the rest of my life feeling so resentful of one person’s influence over my relationship. I know people say you knew what you were getting into when you met a man with kids, but you honestly don’t. Usually it’s all fun and games for a while, it’s a gradual erosion of boundaries and a building of resentment that you couldn’t foresee.

So I’m not saying you should have known, but you do need to be honest with yourself. He is not going anywhere, your DF will be affected by his dc and they (& their mum) will be in your life forever. If you’re not up for that, you need to be honest.

Things will change over time and whether that means your DF sees less of his DCs or more, you will have to be prepared to support him and be involved as much as is comfortable for you. That doesn’t mean doing all the donkey work while he has fun with them. Let him take care of them, make dinner, tidy up there toys etc. and maybe take your ds away sometimes to give everyone some space.

pigeondujour Sun 18-Mar-18 20:51:06

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Saem12 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:51:18

There’s not use bashing me because at the moment I DONT feel ashamed. How can someone feel ashamed of feelings they have that they don’t really understand, but they are still there.

MyRelationshipIsWeird Sun 18-Mar-18 20:52:52

Hmmm big drip feed!

Nobody knows whether he is or is not your DF’s bio son except his ex. It would be mighty convenient for you if he weren’t because then you could legitimately push for him not to visit! What are you planning - a stealth DNA test next time he visits?!

Qvar Sun 18-Mar-18 20:52:55

Wow. Work on yourself

Dancingmonkey87 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:52:56

biscuit Why am I not surprised at your update. I think your putting thoughts into your dp head because you resent his son. You would love it if he wasn’t his. It’s all abit convient for you.

Saem12 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:53:34

‘Stitch glitched’ it might sound selfish. But let’s face it.... human being are selfish!!! It’s built within us for our survival. I’m not the next ‘Rose West’ by god. I still fulfill my duties to the child. I just don’t enjoy doing it

stitchglitched Sun 18-Mar-18 20:53:48

You should be ashamed of your actions, regardless of your feelings.

Dancingmonkey87 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:54:36

The most selfish post today, well done.

This is third selfish post atleast I’ve seen on mn today

Dancingmonkey87 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:56:13

Definitely think you’ve been whispering in his ear. I hope he does do an dna and it’s found out he is his son.

NotAllTimsWearCapes Sun 18-Mar-18 20:59:48

I’ve never understood why people run head first into a full on computer relationship and having babies with people who have very small kids and are recently separated. What is it? Some need to stamp your proof of ownership on him? It fucks kids up. People are far too selfish.

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