I need to leave

(207 Posts)
Everydayisawindingroad Wed 09-Jun-21 01:03:05

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

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Everydayisawindingroad Wed 09-Jun-21 01:51:49


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Aquamarine1029 Wed 09-Jun-21 02:08:18

The pool is not as deep as you think it is. You will get through this and your life will absolutely be better for it.

DramaAlpaca Wed 09-Jun-21 02:10:11

Well done for realising you need to get out. You can do this and you'll be just fine.

Everydayisawindingroad Wed 09-Jun-21 02:12:58

@Aquamarine1029 thanks. I think I’m going to just need to take a day at a time, anything else seems utterly overwhelming

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Namenic Wed 09-Jun-21 02:31:50

Hope you can get the help and support you need OP. Wishing you all the best!

Suzi888 Wed 09-Jun-21 03:44:25

Consider contacting Women’s Aid, they’ll help and support you. See a solicitor and obtain legal advice too if need be.
Good luck, I’m sure you’ll relish the freedom of escaping your current situation, once you’ve taken the leap.


anameIcallmyself Wed 09-Jun-21 03:53:01

Good for you. All the best.

Everydayisawindingroad Thu 17-Jun-21 18:52:45

I’ve not been able to speak to women’s aid yet. Went for a family meal last night and ended up changing where we went as I knew he would kick off if we went to to the original place the eldest dc wanted to go to. Was really put off by him yawning repeatedly without covering his mouth. When I called him on it he said he didn’t want to breathe in stale air.
Tried to speak to him about something earlier and he just slammed the study door in my face, I don’t know why I’m surprised but the lack of respect really got to me. Would really appreciate a hand hold

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TwilightSkies Thu 17-Jun-21 18:54:17

Handholding. What’s your financial situation like?

DoingItMyself Thu 17-Jun-21 18:56:13

You can have a hand hold from me. You're doing a difficult thing but you'll feel better when it's done.

So, first, quietly plan, quietly act. Grey rock him.

OrchestraOfWankery Thu 17-Jun-21 19:03:30

Well done on deciding to leave!

I'd stop calling him out on his habits that annoy you in the mean time, as that will give him an excuse for further abuse.

Everydayisawindingroad Thu 17-Jun-21 20:05:07

@OrchestraOfWankery my main concern was the dc modelling the rude behaviour rather than the fact I found his behaviour repulsive.

@TwilightSkies financial situation isn’t the best to be honest. I don’t have much in the way of savings as nearly everything I owned has been spent with ongoing expenses.

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Sundayblues21 Thu 17-Jun-21 20:07:35

Have a handhold from me.
I am in a very similar situation. I told him yesterday it's over. I can't take his lack of respect for me anymore x

Everydayisawindingroad Thu 17-Jun-21 21:10:44

@Sundayblues21 sorry you are going through something similar. It’s the lack of respect which is utterly soul destroying. The challenging thing is that so much of it is not in what he says but the way he says it, which makes it difficult to process/quantify. The door slamming and other behaviours are obviously much more clear cut. I’ve already told the oldest two dc that if they ever slam their bedroom door it gets removed so they don’t have a door to slam.

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Suzi888 Thu 17-Jun-21 21:28:51

Why are you interacting with him? Can you just speak when spoken to- just because it doesn’t seem worth the hassle/for an easy life!

Give Universal Credit a ring for benefit advice, step change for any debt issues.
If you work full time, can you start to put some cash aside?

Everydayisawindingroad Thu 17-Jun-21 21:42:14

@Suzi888 lots happening at present so conversation is sadly necessary! There is only so much I can communicate to him via email and text. I also stupidly expect that he occasionally might respond in a mature non abusive manner and we can have a normal adult conversation.
The meal out was a reward for one of the dc which was promised prior to the last lockdown so they were very keen to cash it in.

Sadly not any money to put aside at the moment and reserves will be taken up with multiple new uniform purchases. Unfortunately, the school are still insisting on their own suppliers(I know it’s due to change but that won’t help with the purchases required when they go back in the autumn).

It’s not the best time to change jobs but I think for more ongoing financial security some job hunting will be necessary

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Everydayisawindingroad Fri 18-Jun-21 22:28:55

Dreading yet another weekend with him and his horrible disrespectful attitude and behaviour. The exasperating thing is I’m the mean one apparently. If I don’t say exactly what he wants to hear I’m being mean. This is in relation to things I can’t grey rock him on as they have financial and practical implications for the family as a whole. I’m trying to not let him get a rise out of me about the insignificant stuff but bloody heck it’s hard

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Everydayisawindingroad Sat 19-Jun-21 14:05:49

Almost at complete breaking point with him. I’m really needing to bite my tongue at the moment. I’m just so over his bullshit allegations

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FishBall Sat 19-Jun-21 14:29:18

Hang in, go for a long walk if you can, are able to and consider your options. Come up with a plan. And a timeline. Set yourself a deadline.
I'm in a similar situation, and I've decided I'm going to tell the most important people in my life first, my 2 DDs.
Then I'm going to the Citizens Advice Bureau to see what they say, maybe there is help or a woman's refuge somewhere.. I'm not sure.
Then I'm going to most likely look at renting somewhere, it's doubtful he will move out of the house and he will be angry.
I don't want the fight anymore, I'm exhausted.
When I suggested once to him, that we go to a counsellor, he accused me of threatening him.
So I'll try and keep you posted on how I get on.
I'm really hoping my 2 DDs will come with me, even if it's a squalid flat.
But, for me anyhow just making a plan has really helped.
How old is your DC?

Sundayblues21 Sat 19-Jun-21 14:32:42

It's really tough going. My husband is very angry. I've suggested we be kind to each other but I can't him being able to keep a lid on his feelings. I feel awful but I can't keep doing it and his harsh words have done irreparable damage to our relationship. I can't see a way back from this point.
I hope you're feeling ok flowers

FishBall Sat 19-Jun-21 14:42:37

It feels like a one way street sometime, you're doing all the giving and supporting and forgiveness for the angry moments, and offering him chances to make amends, and sometimes they do. But it just happens again, nothing changes in the long run except the frequency of the bad moods. I don't honestly think my other half realises he's doing it, or the pain it causes. For me it's been 19 years, and that's enough now.

Sundayblues21 Sat 19-Jun-21 14:56:40

@FishBall that is exactly how I feel. It has chipped and chipped at me and now I'm broken 💔

FishBall Sat 19-Jun-21 15:17:54

I feel the same, and feel worthless sometimes. We are not worthless and we deserve to be loved and talked to kindly.
We have to make a change. Tell me what you will do? Have you called Citizens Advice? Or spoken to anyone about it?

Sundayblues21 Sat 19-Jun-21 15:51:11

I would like him to move out and rent somewhere and I will buy him out as part of a divorce settlement. He seems to think that I will pay him off to leave, which I won't be doing. I think he's going to make it really difficult for me as he has a habit of punishing me anyway.
I wish I could disappear at the minute!

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