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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need to leave

241 replies

Everydayisawindingroad · 09/06/2021 01:03

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

OP posts:
Delilah6 · 25/08/2021 20:40

Seeking advice
Am not sure what to do
He is very verbaly abusive and has on few occassions pushed me and twisted mt wrist forcefully. He would rant and rant for hours on end. Doesnt matter what time of the day or night. Without trigger or provocation he would call me names he wpuld say" you whore, dick sucker, go kill yourselve, your not a mother, you dont deserve to be a mother, you slut"

I go to work i leave on time as i have alot to do with regards to work so i try to go in early. As soon as i walk through the door he goes on repeat sayinf the above negative words to me over and over hours on end. Am stuck and am not sure what to do partly due to stigma of dirvorce within my community and family, and i dont want to feel like a failure. But then our D is still a todler. Am petrified of living alone and been single as now he mostly works from home and is able to look after D when D is not at nursery.

When ibretuen from work he accuses me of foinf to mans house, cheating, neglecting D, its becoming exhausting his negative constant verbal abuse.

We would be asleep and he would wake up middle of the night and begin verbally abusing me he would say " you whore you slut hell has a special place for you and he would pace up and down the house verbaly abusing me.

Everydayisawindingroad · 25/08/2021 20:56

@Delilah6 I’m really sorry to hear you are in such a terrible situation. If you feel able, can you copy your post and create a new thread? That way you will get the support you deserve. Your post is likely to get lost as part of this thread and you could really do with proper support.
There are so many red flags in your post. Please reach out to women’s aid to help you with a safety plan and the necessary support.

OP posts:
Delilah6 · 26/08/2021 20:24

@Everydayisawindingroad. Please how do i create a new thread

Delilah6 · 26/08/2021 20:25

Thanks i have done so

Fuckmyliferightnow · 26/08/2021 20:46

Hi. I've only just noticed your post as I haven't been on since March.
In March I left my ex, I made gradual steps to get to where I am but it all inevitably turned nasty and ended up getting out quickly, with most of my stuff thanks to friends with storage space.
It was terrifying, I was being treated for cancer too, I just had my final round, was very ill in hospital and he threatened to kill me if I left with his son.
I called the police and 2 days later I moved out to a friend's empty house. It was being sold so I was very fortunate to have that option. We slept on mattresses on the floor and managed okay for 3 months there.
I am now in a rental, I've been gifted and given furniture and things seem to be settling, fingers crossed.
I'm not going to lie, it's not easy, emotionally I mean.
My son misses his dad and is sad a lot but he sees him a lot now, things have settled and he doesn't openly bully me as much but is still highly manipulative.
You can do it, you will do it and one day you will start to feel peaceful again.
I know how terrifying it is, it scared me more than having cancer, but I did it.
Good luck Thanks

Delilah6 · 02/09/2021 20:28

@fuckmyliferightnow. So sorry to hear you had cancer. Hope all is well with you. Thank you so much for your advice. At moment my situatio remains the same but hopefully at somepoint i wi have the courage to leave.

me4real · 02/09/2021 23:15

You can swim OP, I promise you. Track down any support you might find helpful in advance. If you're anxious then see your GP, there are loads of things they can try. Not that there's anything wrong with you, just that it will help you in a situation which anyone would find difficult.

Of course an abuser isn't going to admit he's an abuser or enjoys it BTW.

Sundayblues21 · 15/09/2021 21:05

How is everyone getting on?
I've had a really rough ride but have told dh now that I need space away from him as I know it's not going to change.

We were still spending a lot of time together due to the kids, but he just keeps hurting me.
I need to protect myself now as I'm putting a brave face on to my detriment and I can't do it anymore. I can barely look at him at the moment.

I fought for years for him to hear me and understand how the things he says and does affect me.
I know now that he has heard me and he does understand, he just doesn't care.
As painful as it is, I think it may be quite a freeing realisation.
Time to put me and my dc first as he absolutely never will.
I hope everyone is ok.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 17/09/2021 19:02

You are absolutely right!

He knows what he's doing and doesn't care about you, or respect you.

It hurts but at least you can stop trying.

Beelzebop · 17/09/2021 19:25

Hello everyone I hope you don't mind me posting. I've only read a bit, and will read more , but have just found this and it's like someone has written about my life. Thank you for all sharing, I feel a bit less alone. I'm in real foggy depths at minute so it's good to know.

purplepeony10 · 03/11/2021 08:11

Hello old friends and new friends,
I'm still in the midst of separating from H, and doing lots of reading online about divorce finance, advice and law. I accidentally came across something that actually named my relationship, or named the type of relationship it was. It really helped so much, because what my H and I had was a 'thing', it had a name.

So just in case it's of any help to you amazing ladies, I have been living with what's known as a 'covert naricissist' and I am a 'codependent'.

To give you a brief rundown of a 'covert narcissist':-
-They’re not really listening; they’re waiting to talk about themselves.
-They want to control you
-They behave vulnerable, hypersensitive, anxious and displays a lack of confidence, and may seem introverted, they will use this pretend vulnerability to exploit others.
-They will evoke your empathy and pity, they will play the victim.
-They cross boundaries, like taking things without asking, after you've told them to please not do something, they will continue to do it.
-They need you to praise them and appreciate all the time, it feels like they are sucking you dry.

I hope this is not your other half, but if it is, it's bad, and there is nothing you can do. They need professional help.
I have grieved and cried so much. I have been angry.
I'm keeping a journal, each day, my thoughts, my feelings, my struggle.

Now I'm only moving forward, focused now on myself and my sense of self-worth. I'm going to fix myself, because no one can do it for me.

I wish all of you the best and send strength to you all.

purplepeony10 · 03/11/2021 08:20

Forgot to add to the list
They will undermine you, and put you down, in order to raise themselves
They will tell you something and make you question your sanity, as you know it's not true. This is gas lighting.
You can do nothing right.
They will chip away at your self-esteem until you are a shell of yourself.

This is their disorder, not yours.
You are in love with hope that it will get better, but it won't.

I've stopped reacting to him and what he does,
I've started to be pro-active and do things I want. It's difficult, so difficult, because if he finds out, he questions me in a passive aggressive way. He's trying to regain control all the time.
He won't move out of the family home.
Seeing another flat today. Cross fingers.

Fuckmyliferightnow · 03/11/2021 21:01

These are the exact reasons I had to leave and I cannot tell you enough, how much better I feel!!

goody2shooz · 03/11/2021 23:12

Awww @Fuckmyliferightnow - I remember you from a thread/threads I was following a while back - SO glad you’re ‘out’ and happier now! Often wonder about the others and hope they’re doing ok. 💐

Fuckmyliferightnow · 08/11/2021 17:09

Thank you! Life is much calmer these days Smile

camouflagejacket · 08/11/2021 17:40

@purplepeony10 I drifted off MN for a while but have come back recently. I just reached a point where I got over the releif of making a decision, but then got sad and frustrated that nothing was happening.

But I was just reading back over this thread, and I'm so sorry you're still stuck in your situation, I thought he had moved out. My H is still here, he appears to be looking for somewhere but doesn't like anything he finds.

I'm glad the reading has helped you and given you some insight. I'm not sure any of these different conditions apply to my H. Being coercive, controlling or a narcissist all seem to take a certain amount of planning or intention. I think he is just a selfish, angry drunk who is to lazy to make any effort or care about the impact his behaviour has on other people.

@Everydayisawindingroad
@Sundayblues21
If you are reading, I hope you are getting somewhere, too

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