I need to leave

[Everydayisawindingroad]

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

Hi @Sundayblues21. totally agree with @Everydayisawindingroad , don't get drawn him into saying you have mental health issues. I believe that is called 'gaslighting'. Just be clear and straight with him. They can't argue with something that is crystal clear, and you repeat the same thing to him until it starts to sink in.
Also if even you did have mental health issues which I'm 100% sure you don't as you sound totally rational, a break apart will do YOU good, and him good. You are doing it to save yourself and possibly your marriage depending on how he handles the separation.
It sounds like he's trying to call your bluff, make you uncertain and push you back into the neat square hole where he has possibly kept you for so long (that's how I felt!).

Also totally agree with @camouflagejacket you @Everydayisawindingroad shouldn't worry too much about getting your ducks in a row, and waiting. I tried that, and I couldn't find a flat, didn't have that much money and I just needed out in the end.
It's been a long 2 weeks now, with much crying, but finally now he gets it.
The cup of tea in the morning really made me smile. My DH said at one point last week, how could you think I didn't love you, I made you tea in the morning, and he did. I said because tea in the morning is nothing compared to 19 years of hurt, anger and mean words being sprayed at me.
He said he just didn't realise. He said he thought my love for him was endless and our marriage unbreakable. He said he took me for granted.
And therefore somehow that justified him being mean and angry at me.
He thought basically that I would never (dare) break up with him.

Over the last 2 weeks he has gone through lots of stages, denial, then trying to change my mind, trying to coerce me. Then trying to tell me he had always loved me, and he didn't know what he was doing when he got angry or even why he got angry.
I'm still sticking to my 6 months apart!!
Because 19 years is too long @Everydayisawindingroad please don't last that long, I so wished I had stopped this more that 15 years ago. Such an unhappy life I've had for too long.

Stay strong everyone and believe in YOURSELVES!

Also @Sundayblues21I meant to say men who are like this, usually are the ones with the mental health issues see this
www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-men/i-am-an-abuser/

So he has gone. Sent me a text whilst I was at work. What a coward.

@Everydayisawindingroad I'm so sorry, I know you've made it really clear what a sh*t he is but I hadn't picked up that he was also violent. Please take care of yourself! I feel worried for you. Things started going that way for me and that was my trigger really.

@Sundayblues21 - so he's leaving? Things have really escalated fast for you, haven't they? I think the first time I saw you post (about the the time I came on for moral support) I saw you saying you were on for a bit of a moan. It must feel pretty scary to now be looking at everything breaking up, but isn't that positive for you in a way? I can see he's trying to play some fairly shitty mind games with you, but if he's found somewhere then let him get on with it. It didn't take much did it?

Which is about what's going on here. It's taken a ridiculously short time for it all to come down to money. He seems to think I owe him.
@purplepeony10, you know I haven't shed a single tear. I don't know why. I just feel angry. I still need to tell the kids. I'm being a coward about that.

@camouflagejacket he’s not violent thank goodness, my statement about being on the receiving end was not in relation to violence but his vile verbal abuse and nastiness. Any physical violence and I would immediately grab the dc with the clothes on our back and get out. Every other act on his part and I’m left completely torn that I’m doing the right thing. He’s said I’m too sensitive, I’m too serious, my emotional intelligence is too low. I’ve lost count the array of bullshit he’s thrown in my direction.

I definitely don't underestimate that level of nastiness. I've put up with it for years. What's shocked me in recent times is that he couldn't care less who hears it. It's just humiliating. So glad you're physically safe though

I hope you ladies are holding up ok x

@Sundayblues21 how are you doing?

Yikes, I missed that post about the text! Wow. How are you? How are the family??

@purplepeony10 I can’t believe that a declaration of love is a cup of tea. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying it’s not a a nice thing but when everything else indicates contempt, tea just doesn’t cut it.

To the pp’s who have said I shouldn’t wait too long to get my ducks in a row, I need to find a job that will support me and get myself through the probationary period. I can’t afford to find myself unemployed with rent and bills to pay.(Don’t have the savings to back me up).

@Everydayisawindingroad do what feels right to you, but don't wait too long when you're so unhappy. You deserve much, much better.
@camouflagejacket what is your situation now?
I feel really rubbish to be honest. I dare say this is not what anyone expects after 16 years and 2 kids. I feel extremely sad. I can't quite believe he has gone in the way that he has. I am having massive doubts as I ultimately am the one that said he should go. I'm just keep trying to remind myself why. He is still blaming me for the "uncomfortable atmosphere" cause by me pulling away from him and its really difficult to not take that on board.

@Sundayblues21 I am so sorry, I hope now that he does not mess you about going forward. I hope he doesn’t now try and manipulate things. Have you got any family to stay with for a couple of days?
Agree that it hurts now, but it can now only get better. Sending you virtual hugs and love x

I have reached breaking point this evening.

What's happening? How can we help?

Thinking of you @Everydayisawindingroad. We're here to support you.
How are things with you @purplepeony10?

I've done it. I've told the kids (teens / young adults). They were.. fine about it and both said they thought we'd be happier. They didn't even seem all that bothered about the house, though one was harder to read than the other.
Note - I told them. He did not want to talk to them with me. And he now thinks I have twisted everything and manipulated them.

Now I really want him to go. He is digging his heals in, he thinks I have a big wodge of money I can get hold of and pay him off. He literally has £££ in his eyes now. It's horrible. He's horrible. And he's drunk again. He says he does want to talk to them, but not with me. Please God, don't do it when you're pissed.

@Sundayblues21 How are you managing on your own?

Wow @camouflagejacket that's a really big thing! Well done you for facing it head on and on your own! I really hope he is able to deal with things in an adult fashion and in the best interest of you all and most definitely not drunk!
It hasn't changed much in my daily routine anyway. I've just gotten on with it. They haven't even asked where he is. I've said he needs to think about how to tell them and how he is going to facilitate seeing them, given that I don't think his living situation would allow for visits and sleepovers.

I will just have to wait and see. I think he is going to be really angry with me though.
I'm still feeling really low and sad about it all, but I've felt sad for a long time now. I'm hoping that will improve as things settle. It's all very unnerving at the moment.

@camouflagejacket big well done to you . That's great, at the end of the day, kids are not blind or deaf! My youngest said she saw it coming a mile off .
Try to ignore his barbed snipes, it's hard for them to get out of the habit of snapping and blaming you. Stay strong, it already sounds like you're being super cool and calm.
Always think that time apart can only benefit you and him and the kids in the long run. I absolutely believe this and I have to believe this.

@Everydayisawindingroad what happened? how are you ?

@Sundayblues21 I felt so sad too over last 2 weeks, like a loss or a kind of grief. Even though you know it's the right thing to do, we have lost years of our lives. And lost the love of our life that we first married in the beginning. And I think lost hope finally, I always hoped it would get better, when it was actually getting worse.

He moves out this evening, I guess at least we're amicable.

@purplepeony10 you are absolutely right about the sense of loss. I will be thinking of you tonight. I hope his exit goes smoothly

Thanks guys. It definitely feels like it seals the deal when you tell the kids. There's no going back really is there?

I'm feeling less and less attached to the house too. There aren't many happy memories there when I think about it.
Good luck for tonight @purplepeony10. And the days ahead.
Thinking of you @Everydayisawindingroad xx

Feeling a little calmer about things today, as I’ve had some time to process some upsetting news. Don’t feel as if I’m going to completely loose the plot over it all now as I’ve had time to decompress.
Had another spanner thrown in the works today so trying desperately to come up with a new plan. Dealing with DH’s mix of being both utterly obnoxious and sickly sweet at the moment. Calling me honey and trying to be really nice one moment and utterly unkind the next. The excessive niceness I am sure is so he can justify what a good person he is since as far as he’s concerned he’s never unkind.
Spent some time earlier looking at rentals and oh my goodness it’s soul destroying how much places are especially aa I’m trying to avoid the dc changing schools. They have all had enough upheaval over the past few years they don’t need a school change into the mix too.
Hope today has been kinder to everyone.

Take care

Sorry you're having such a rubbish time @Everydayisawindingroad I know it might feel impossible, but is there any way he would leave? Does he know it's over as yet?

@Sundayblues21 I’m not sure what he thinks about our marriage to be honest. We are no longer intimate so I’m sure he knows it’s not great but I doubt he thinks I’d actually leave him. Not a hope in hell of him leaving. In his mind he’s done nothing wrong so I will be made to go.

@Everydayisawindingroad I thought I would be in the same position but he's gone. This is the second time around though and he is 100% blaming. Couldn't live with any more awkwardness that I'd created apparently!