I need to leave

[Everydayisawindingroad]

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

@youcancallmeow welcome to our happy band. And well done for finding the courage to stand up to him.

Maybe you will be lonely sometimes. But living with someone nasty is just so draining. I feel lonely now. I've become isolated from my friends and even family because I don't want to invite people round in case he decides to be an arse.

You;re in a good position from the point of view that he's 'agreed'. Make sure you get some legal advice, especially if you're moving out.
Keep us posted. x

You are all very strong and can do this. I'm 9 yrs out of a similar relationship but still have to see him and talk to him as DD is only 12.
But I've never regretted it. Not for an instant

@youcancallmeow welcome to the thread.

Thanks everyone for your support, I’m glad the thread has provided support for others too, I just wish it wasn’t needed.

He was talking to one of the dc’s about future plans, all of which won’t happen if we separate(I probably should be saying when)
I just spent the time in the car thinking this is all going to spiral and I can’t say anything yet as I have nothing in place yet. I don’t think he would turn violent when he’s told but I am worried about how he will react and what stunts he will try to pull.

I’m just so angry with him right now. Something he’s done today just shows me just how little he values us. Complete disregard for others when he makes decisions for us that are not his to make. I’m seething and not sure how much more of his bullshit I can take.

Hi @Everydayisawindingroad I am so sorry. We all know in here, how it feels, and how difficult it is to take the next massive step. You don't have to take his BS anymore.

And like @camouflagejacket had the same thing with restaurants as you, I also had small cancer a few years ago, and felt so alone with it.
When I had to go to hospital for the op, I wasn't allowed to drive, my brother took me, and my mum was at my bedside when I awoke. I think my DH was busy at work that day.
That really hurt me, not the actual Op, but the feeling of abandonment and lack of care/love from my DH. A friend 2 days ago suggested he exacerbated it.

Believe in yourself that you can do it, do it calmly, with no yelling.
I have no idea where you live, but if you lived near me I would offer our snug as a bolt hole to you. You'll want to stay close to DC as well. Once you are ready to tell him, and your DC, then you can tell your family, will they help?

I'm one week down the line, the longest week of my life. A lot of talking and crying, no yelling, no anger (although must admit still waiting for that).
I've been finding it difficult to find a flat for my DD and I, and gently really gently I suggested he moved out. He was dead against it at first, like basically it was my idea to break up, my problem to sort out.
But today, he said he would look at moving out. I'm so desperate now for it to happen.

I'm still looking for a flat tho, just in case.

@youcancallmeow welcome, and congratulations . You've hacked it for a very long time. I also get that feeling that I'm not scared of him anymore, it's wonderful. Do not worry about being sad and lonely, you can join some clubs, volunteer with an organisation. I used to work with Brownies, and I really want to go back to that eventually.
I know it sounds a bit sad, but helping young girls, teaching them silly songs, building campfires and dens in the woods are such simple pleasures I miss.

Utterly exhausted at the moment. I’m not sure if the stress of everything that’s been going on has finally taken its toll. Think I’ll be going straight to bed as soon as the dc are down for the night.
A friend sent me some links last night to help me and I’ll need to start looking at long term plans. I’m not sure what is achievable without school changes.

@purplepeony10 and @camouflagejacket the acting up on restaurants is awful isn’t it? It’s horrid having to change plans or be on tenterhooks when out. It should be something to enjoy not something to dread

@Everydayisawindingroad , finally saying the words to him, telling him I wanted to break up, I couldn't quite believe the words were coming out of my mouth. But they did, and I was so utterly relieved, it's hard to do, but once you've done it. You will know immediately it is the right thing, without a doubt. Believe in yourself. Believe you can do it.

I've just read this thread, and wanted to offer some support.

I left my abuser 4 years ago, after 30 years together and 2 DC. It took me 2 years to get my head round leaving him, before I finally acted. I wish I'd done it so much sooner. Both DC developed MH issues, although they are recovering very well. I've come out of the relationship with GAD, and it's taken a while to get to the point of keeping it well managed. I had some great support from MN at the time, and in fact it was being on MN and reading this board that helped me to realise I was in an abusive relationship.

One of the dc was particularly clingy with dh today, it made me question if I was doing the right thing.

You are. Children are dependent on their adults, so can often demonstrate behaviour that might suggest they adore their abuser, it's a survival thing. Your DC are being affected by the atmosphere in your house that your abuser is generating.

So yes, leaving is the right thing to do. But you may find that after leaving you are plagued with doubts initially. I was, for a couple of weeks as we began to settle into a new house and lives.

But now? DC and I are forging our lives without our abuser, and I'm even planning on going to uni next year, something I'd never have dared to do while still with him. DC were plenty old enough to choose no contact, and they did, although I said if they wanted to see their dad, I'd never step in their way. He was abusive to them too.

We are happy and healthy. We even made it through the last year OK. I definitely made the right decision.

Thank you to the posters who have been there and are offering support. It helps!

@Everydayisawindingroad I hope you feel a little better tomorrow

One of my regrets and worries is that we've discussed this before on a couple of occasions and I didn't have the resolve to follow through. I sense we're all at that dangerous place right now. I thought it was the 'right' thing to do to go to councelling or give it another go. Maybe I was also a bit lazy or feeble or greedy - I've worried too much about losing my 'lifestyle' despite it being frankly shit.

The strange thing is that now I've actually said it, I'm not getting the abuse. Maybe it's the calm before the storm. And like @purplepeony10 I feel so bloody relieved. Still need to talk to the kids though, not looking forward to that.

@Sundayblues21 are you OK?

You're all doing so well on here. It's so good to hear from people who have come out the other side of this.
Thanks for asking after me. I'm struggling abit at the minute. I had to reinforce my decision to dh last night. He keeps telling me, in his softest voice, how confused he is by my behaviour. He says he never knows what he's going to get. I am just trying to be nice to him in front of the dc. I've told him as much. I don't want a big fall out and I'm sure there is an element of trying to pacify him as I have always done.
It is making me really doubt myself and wonder if things are actually as bad as they feel to me, or if I'm over sensitive and getting worked up about things that happen in all long term relationships.

I hope everyone is holding up ok. You're all so brave!

@Sundayblues21 please doubt doubt yourself, I’ve read one of your other threads. The way he treats you is utterly appalling. What a nasty piece of work to try claiming that you are the abusive one(I shouldn’t be surprised as it’s abuser 101)

I’m amazed at how long women, ( Especially the lady’s on this thread ), suffer emotional or physical abuse from their abusers for years, but I’m full of the utmost admiration for them ( you ), when you finally find the strength and courage to leave.

I’m equally amazed at the men’s ( abusers ) reactions when told it’s over, like ‘ Why, why are you leaving !? I love you, I can fix this, blah blah blah.

Honestly, we ( men ) are not all like this, we are not all abusers of disrespectful to women. But appreciate and respect women.

This so depressing.

I know guys like the one’s mentioned. I don’t understand them. I certainly have no respect for such arseholes.

Families torn apart by selfish, self centred, self absorbed, disrespectful and often cheating men.

But not all men. 😞

Respect to you all.

Thank you so much @Fabiofatshaft1, that's so good to hear

@Sundayblues21 my DH said I was over sensitive, and also was it my time of the month / early menopause? I so totally though it was. Even now I have niggling doubt that all this is down to my menopause. I remind myself of the relief I feel, and liberation.

@camouflagejacket yes my DH is also calm now and trying his best to make up and say how much he loves me. The difficulty is once you've said the words, there is no quick exit stage route! You have to kinda hang around in weird limbo waiting for one of us to actually leave. Christ knows how that day will go. In the meantime, my DH is going all out to tell me he loves me, and of course there is a part of me that believes him, I loved him to pieces when I married him.
So at the moment it's hard, but in a whole new way!
I'm sticking to my - I need 6 months separation, and I really do, just to think as clearly and rationally, as a woman can who might or might not be having menopause .

@Sundayblues21 well done for reinforcing your decision. I'm on Day 9 (sadly not in the Big Brother house) and I've said my decision to him on repeat like a robot, I'm not straying from it. He has come up with alternative ideas, like 3 days off and 4 days on, but I've just rigidly stuck to my - I need 6 months away from you.
I'm also doubting myself, but I've come this far now, and to be honest I'm hoping that the 6 months apart will help me clear my mind, and doubts one way or the other.
It's breathing space, freedom and a chance to reflect.
Even if I've made a terrible mistake, then at least I know I've had the time and space to work that out for myself, rather than be bullied, controlled and manipulated into thinking it.

How are you doing today @Everydayisawindingroad ?

How's your week @youcancallmeow ?

Hi everyone
Thanks for your words of support
The atmosphere is horrible.i walk in a room and he walks out but at least were not arguing
I'm going to look at a flat next week . The landlord said if I leave a deposit he keep it for me it a friend of a friend
I can't wait I'm trying to look on the bright side
Today's motto
Think positive it can only get better

Youcancallmeow

A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

The most difficult of all.

But if you find the courage to take it, the stress, the pain, the hurt, the memories of the abuse will diminish with each and every step.

You are the one with the power. Not him.

Thanks Fabio it's words like yours that keeps me going.im looking ahead not behind and I can see a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel
I just need to keep telling myself I will be ok

I've got a suggestion for anyone looking at homes. Get a copy of IKEA catalogue if you can, because the British way isn't very space efficient and makes it seem like you need more rooms. With the IKEA way you can see how a smaller space can be made big enough for your needs by organising the furniture differently to how most people usually would have it.

I am new to this thread but in a similar position. I have had seven years of real misery (started in earnest when my DS came along) and things really reached breaking point for me last week, where I had to face the face that living with him is just killing me. I can’t make excuses or hope for things to improve anymore. Thank you so much OP and all the other posters. I am sad for all of us that we have suffered like this, some of you for decades and that is heartbreaking, but also heartened to read the posts from those who have gotten out. I have felt pretty hopeless for a long time but tonight reading your posts I feel like I might just find the strength to do it. Hugs and strength to you all

Hello @VirginiasWolf welcome, and you're not alone. Don't doubt yourself for a second. Keep us posted on how you get on. It's very hard, but so worth it. I was so afraid to do it, just kept thinking about it, for years. Good luck

@purplepeony10 it sounds like you are being incredibly strong. It's hard to keep repeating the same crushing news to someone you loved enough to marry.

I still very much love my dh, but that is now outweighed by his cruel words. I don't want to seperate but have accepted we have to.

Did you put it across as a 6 month break? Maybe I should have done that!
I was talking to my dm about it all and she asked if I would consider trying again. I said if he went away for 6 months and really worked on himself and stepped up with the dc and became a positive, support force in our lives then I would, but he won't do that.
I hope everyone is holding up ok on this thread. We will all get there in the end x

Yes @Sundayblues21 actually he said initially you won't get a flat for less than 6 months, so I picked up on that and said we would separate for at least 6months. He tried to persuade me otherwise. I guess it came as a shock to him. I was surprised how little love I now feel for him, like I think you said before, it feels like he has chipped away the love I had for him, and now I really don't feel anything for him. I do feel bad about that, and a deep sense of loss, because of what we once had. But I don't feel love anymore.
We don't get to have 'trial' marriages to see how they are supposed to be, but I do believe that we are all in here for good reason.
I don't know what a good marriage is, but I'm pretty sure now, mine was not it.

Hi all. I am feeling exhausted today with the horrible reality of what this all means for me and the whole family. At some point I'm going to have to 'name my price' and then start dealing with what that means for me in the future. It's really draining.

@purplepeony10
I think we’re in much the same place of working out the mechanics of it all. He says he wants to stay in the house until we get to a settlement. I absolutely don’t want that, it will take too long and there is bound to be a big blow up sooner or later. It’s become a bit confrontational today.
BTW, I saw you were given some ‘advice’ on another post about DH getting therapy etc etc. I hope you didn't let that sway you. He's had his chance and now you’ve made a stand.

@Sundayblues21
Don’t lose your nerve now. I’ve read your posts too and your DH is so lacking in any empathy for you its shocking. If he says you’re being confusing, maybe explain that sometimes you have to put on a brave face for the family, but what HE needs to know is XYZ. TBH, I think the whole idea of a break is confusing. I’ve decided to be straight down the line this time. No counselling, no trial separation, no ultimatums. We’ve been through that, and I know there is no love left on either side. That’s maybe one of the saddest things to get to grips with. At no point in the last few week has either of us talked about love or good times or what we might be giving up. I think we both know there isn’t anything other than a nice house.

It must be so hard when you have people in your ear like your DM suggesting you stay! Do you have PIL ? What on earth are they going to say? I haven't told family yet. Just a couple of friends.

@youcancallmeow – good luck with the flat! Hopefully you can stay away from him for a while

@VirginiasWolf – welcome to the thread. I know what you mean about it killing you. It’s such a miserable existence. Take a bit of time to read some of the stories on here and you’ll see that a) there are a lot of people, like you, living in very unhappy situations and b) there are people who have got out even after many many years and feel much happier

I totally understand what you ladies are saying about feeling a sadness. I am heartbroken by all of this. It is not at all what I wanted. I was always besotted with him. I just don't understand why he couldn't just be nice to me
Yes I suppose the break has positives and negatives. It leaves room to breath and perhaps softens the initial blow of going your seperate ways, but you may feel obliged at the end of it to try again? I don't know, I don't think there is an easy opinion in these situations.
My dm was just asking generally. She has been really supportive over the last couple of years when things have been utterly shit. She has said I will leave him, even if it wasn't now, I would at some point. I think she's pretty disappointed in him too tbh.

No pil to deal with. I've spoken to my mam and sister, but noone else. I doubt he has told anyone.

He's not speaking to me again at the minute after I told him again I couldn't carry on.

The silent treatment kills me. It sends me into such a panic.

How has everyone got on today?