I need to leave

[Everydayisawindingroad]

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

@Zerrin13 wow! What a well thought out and incredible response. It certainly resonated with me, thank you.

I bit the bullet after yet another incident and made that appt with the solicitor. Need to wait a few weeks for it but then I’m good to get those ducks in a row!

Well done OP. There will always be another incident! Great that you have made steps to see a solicitor. Keep on detaching and try not to rise to the bait. Its just another drain on your precious energy.

Yep, sadly there is always another incident. I don’t think he’s capable of change and to be honest even if he was, the damage from his behaviour has been so pronounced that there is no going back. You can not launch an attack on someone over a period of a decade and then go on to have a loving fulfilling relationship.
What I’m really struggling with is one of the dc emulating his behaviour, which is utterly tragic. They’ve identified what they’ve done and said that they don’t want to behave in that way but sadly I’ve heard it all before and yet here we are again.
Physically feeling a bit rubbish as well as sad and sorry for myself. Fell asleep on the sofa earlier for 20 mins so that’s me going to be awake all night tonight now and it’s going to make for a long day ahead tomorrow. The lack of sleep makes for very long nights feeling incredibly isolated.
Hope everyone else is doing ok

I can’t believe that’s us into August now. When I can’t sleep I ponder random crap. Feeling quite fragile at the moment if I’m completely honest. Just that sad realisation on how completely and utterly alone I’m going to be once we separate.

@Everydayisawindingroad it does feel lonely and it is a really daunting thing to do. Just try and take one day at a time, it's all any of us can do. Also consider some medication to help you sleep. I hope today has been kinder to you.

@Sundayblues21 a friend recommended melatonin but I don’t know if you can get it as an adult on the NHS. I’m getting desperate for sleep so might succumb and get him to pay privately if needed.
I’m going to start going out with my fiends more, even although he won’t like it, but it’s not healthy to be a hermit. Very much taking a day at a time at the moment and sometimes I need to break it down into even smaller more manageable chunks
I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that there are moments when I am paralysed with fear that’s he’s going to play dirty and “take the dc” but my rational mind tells me I can’t let this control me until the dc are adults

I’m at breaking point with him and the in laws crap. I’m just utterly fed up with it all and want out. I’m rapidly losing patience and the neighbours are causing issues too. Constant noise all day long and screeching from the dc. Oh, and DH’s work have just confirmed wfh for the foreseeable so I’m never going to get any respite from him.

@Everydayisawindingroad

Number 1, I love that song
Number 2, you can get melatonin online, I use biovea website and would recommend them. It can take a bit of time getting here but it really does work.
On the relationship stuff, a lot resonates with me, the going for a meal thing?? It was excruciating, I love food and eating out but when it became a miserable experience. We once walked into a regular restaurant we liked and I swear the colour drained from one of the waiters faces, another time I had a waiter in tears at the table so confused because he didn't know what he had done wrong- to be clear he hadn't done a thing wrong. It was some kind of invisible slight that my ex had imagined. You will never enjoy a single supposedly enjoyable experience ever in the company of men like this. And as a side note to all the women on this thread, at some point you will be accused of, or slagged off behind your back that you are sleeping with someone else- because you would never leave him and there HAS to be someone else. My ex told this to our 14 year son??? There are no depths that men like this will stoop to, in the obvious way of making you the bad guy but they, the victim. Stay strong ladies.

How are we getting on. I am coming to the end of a holiday with the dc's. Dh came for one day and headed back. I was very emotional by the time he left. He said he had to leave to work, I think it was actually because he had a running date. I'm so angry with him. This is what he wanted but he forced my hand. He told me he has lost weight now that he has no stress. Lucky him!

DH is just so immature and nasty that his mere existence irritates me. Currently isolating so can’t even leave the house to get away from him. So fed up. Feeling rough but most recent test was negative so fingers crossed it stays that way.

Facing another day and I was exhausted before it even started. DH went off on one yesterday. Friends dropped off some activity packs and treats to help keep the dc in good spirits. One of the dc asked dh to not go overboard with one of the treats they’d been given and rather than just saying I won’t touch your treats and have not done so before, he went in to an angry rage. Something that should have been such a lovely experience as it was a compete surprise to get the call to say stuff had been dropped at the door was turned into something where the dc concerned and I just feel so utterly deflated.

@Everydayisawindingroad how has your day gone?

@Sundayblues21 things are not good and I’m not coping being stuck inside with him 24/7. He’s even taken to listening in to my telephone calls and passing comment while I’m on the phone so I feel like mumsnet is my only outlet.

The frequency of the incidents are increasing. I know it’s stressful isolating but that’s no excuse for his behaviour. I think my original timeline is going to have to go out the window. I’m not sure I can get my ducks in a row in time, perhaps it will be more of a squiggly line!

Just found out the solicitor I’d made an appointment with is going on leave and it’s going to be mid September by the time I can see them. Only bonus being that the dc will be back at school so I can attend the appointment without raising any suspicions.

Physically feeling awful so ended up getting a pcr test this morning, hoping I get the results by the morning.

How is everyone else doing?

@Everydayisawindingroad I really hope you're ok and test comes back negative.

I hope you can get sorted with a solicitor ASAP and make the plans that you want.
I'm pretty sure dh is seeing somebody else already. I'm not going to lie. It really fucking hurts.

Feeling for you OP! After years of coercive abuse I have finally found the courage to leave my husband. At the planning stage though…

Looks like I’ve just got a run of the mill lurgy thank goodness. Feel like death warmed up and as usual dh is being his usual unsympathetic self.
@Sundayblues21 regardless of why you split up it’s natural to feel hurt buy your DP moving on so quickly.
@Waitthenwhat sorry you too find yourself in the unenviable position of needing to leave your H due to DV. Coercive abusive is utter hell.

Hello all,
You're very brave. I'm marking a place as I am in a similar situation and getting a lot of help from reading this thread.

@lemonadecar welcome to the thread. Sorry you also find yourself in a situation where you are in an unhappy or abusive relationship. I’m glad the thread is helping but saddened it’s needed in the first place.

How is everyone else doing?

Grieving the marriage that I thought I have and the 10+ years I wasted on this man, but seeing a lawyer and starting to put my ducks on a row. I am so ready for this! And I will focus my energy on the kids not him.

I want my freedom back! Sick of walking on eggshells all the time…

@Waitthenwhat that’s great you’ve found a lawyer and are starting to get your ducks in a row.
Physically, I’m still feeling awful and I’m starting to reflect upon how much of an impact this toxic and abusive marriage is having on my health.

One of the dc ended up standing up to him yet again last night. Apparently he’s “toughening them up” and giving them exposure to a variety of experiences! How do they make up this bullshit? He’s says he’s not trying to behave in a bullying way to them so it’s messing with my head as I’ve got no clue why he’s behaving like this . If he’s not getting a kick out of being a bully then why the hell is he doing it?
An abuser by definition enjoys having power over others yet he claims that he doesn’t want to hurt us! What the hell is going on. This is one utter mind F£@%

Anyone, I’m desperate?

They do play with your emotions and are great manipulators! My 2 older DCs just avoid their dad at the moment as he snaps over every little thing and spend hrs lecturing them! No normal father-child relationship. My eldest yesterday was telling me that he is scared of his dad and to be honest that increased my resolve to get out of this toxic relationship!

Re physical symptoms, I am reading an interesting book at the moment: “When the body says no”. It touches on the long-term effects of chronic stress on immune system and health.

How are we all getting on?
My head is still abit all over but counselling is helping with processing my emotions around the whole situation.
I am trying more to focus on myself and give dh less headspace. It's not easy though and I still have a little cry everyday at what could have been.

I’ve no idea what happened. I typed up a long reply and then it just disappeared. DH’s selfishness knows no bounds. I’m well and truly over him being in the house 24/7, Amazon attends to his every need so he doesn’t even leave the house to shop. I’m desperate for him to take the dc out for some exercise while the weather is still nice and instead of taking them out, he just sits on technology with them. I’ve got a running injury at the moment so I’m out of action, I’ve dodged crutches thank goodness but I can only hobble so I’m not in any position to take them out myself.

@Sundayblues21 yes, its hard to not torment myself by what could have been. Upon reflection, it’s really should. Nobody deserves to be in a toxic or abusivd relationship.

My sleep is utterly shot at the moment. My mind just won’t switch off at night even although I’m utterly exhausted and I can’t even go for a run to clear my head.