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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to leave

241 replies

Everydayisawindingroad · 09/06/2021 01:03

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

OP posts:
camouflagejacket · 22/06/2021 18:53

@FishBall

Can I ask everyone .. *@JSL52* *@Sundayblues21* *@Everydayisawindingroad* *@camouflagejacket* what is your partner's relationship with their mother like? How do they treat their mother? Just curious to understand.
She's no longer with us but he was pretty rubbish to her towards the end. I went to see her more than he did. How was yours @FishBall?
camouflagejacket · 22/06/2021 18:55

I pulled out of holiday plans on the basis of travel just being too awkward. And family events too. I know from previously times we have discussed splitting up that if you try too hard to make them work you start kidding yourself it will all be alright. It never is.

Sundayblues21 · 22/06/2021 20:10

His mother passed a long time ago but not a great relationship. A lot of hurt for him, which I have always justified his behaviour with.
I've told him again. He initially said he wanted us to get better but then realed off all the reasons why he is simply reacting to me and everything is my fault Sad

Original poster
Everydayisawindingroad · 22/06/2021 20:28

@FishBall I’m not sure how I’d describe their relationship . At times she can do no wrong and at other times he barely bothers to keep in touch. He Is reluctant to speak up if situations where we don’t agree with her behaviour as he doesn’t want to rock the boat and risk upsetting her even if it is adversely impacting our family unitv

OP posts:
Original poster
Everydayisawindingroad · 22/06/2021 20:29

Unit

OP posts:
purplepeony10 · 22/06/2021 21:45

Was Fishball. @Everydayisawindingroad My key question I guess is does he treat her better than you ? thats what hurt me, my DH adores his mum and always speaks so kindly and lovely to her. He wouldn’t dream of calling her names.

Bluebellsinthesnow · 22/06/2021 21:50

I've just removed an emotional abuser from my life. It takes a particular moment of strength to say enough now. I'm done. I completely understand physical abuse is different and requires a different approach. But I wl say to you that I'm now 15 days on the other side and I feel so much better. Better than I have in months. I feel peaceful.

I was walking on egg shells.
Struggling to sleep.
Checking his Facebook all the time as he was a liar and a cheat.
Anxious.
Felt insecure.
Was always down. Distracted.
Spent half my night sat in bed going over everything and never getting any answers. .

I have done so much stuff since I got him out my life. I have all this peaceful time to focus on myself. My kids. My home. Since we've not been talking. I sleep better. I get more stuff done. I've been for a meal with friends. I've been shopping. I've taken my kids out. He made me so unproductive. He drained me.

I can't explain to you how good it feels. I still think of him. I still go over stuff. I still write in my diary. I still feel sad when j remember the 'happier times" when he would call me beautiful and tell me how happy he was with me in his life. By the end he was picking my appearance apart. Putting me down. Told me I was so confusing when I'm really not. Pretended my texts never made sense. Told me stay at home mums like me turn into children and have nothing to talk about. He was sleeping with another woman. On tinder. Rubbing his ex in my face. Texting another woman that is also destroyed by him.

I hope you get away. You deserve so much more and it's so peaceful on the other side. It really is. It's all about doing those little things for yourself and getting your life going again for you. You owe it to yourself to put you first now x

purplepeony10 · 22/06/2021 21:51

And yes @Sundayblues21 how my DH behaves is definitely my fault. And I really believed that for such a long time. I was so keen for my marriage to last for 30 years or more, I’ve told myself lots of times, that this is just what married life is like, so make the most of it and get on.

purplepeony10 · 22/06/2021 21:56

@Bluebellsinthesnow it’s really hard, tonight he implied that we didn’t have enough money for me to leave and find somewhere else. He suggested he moves to his parents place whilst they’re not there for a couple of months, to save on money. Like he’s doing me a favour. It’s really tiring.

purplepeony10 · 22/06/2021 21:59

@camouflagejacket totally agree, I told myself so many times it would get better. I was desperately keen for it to work. If only I could not make him angry anymore.

Handoverthechocollate · 22/06/2021 22:34

Hand hold here. I'm also refusing to let my husband back in after he walked out on us 8 months ago. Trying to stay strong!

purplepeony10 · 24/06/2021 13:08

How are you doing today @Everydayisawindingroad. @Sundayblues21 ?
(was previously FishBall)

Original poster
Everydayisawindingroad · 24/06/2021 15:37

@purplepeony10 how are you doing?

Feeling a bit more deflated to be honest. I’m not sure if he’s asking because he’s concerned or if he’s trying to gaslight me but he’s acting concerned that I have problems with my memory. I’ve been tired lately but I’m not sure it’s something worth picking me up on however it’s still unsettling iykwim.

Just trying to psych myself up for the chaos that is the summer holidays. Constantly in limbo as activities are being cancelled left right and centre due to covid and we don’t even have a weekend away anywhere booked.

OP posts:
purplepeony10 · 24/06/2021 16:34

I get that, sometimes it was ok, and I felt guilty wanting to leave. We even had some good times occasionally, but I was always on edge.
At least you're aware of the gaslight thing, that was new to me, and when I read about it, I remember thinking Christ that's exactly what's been happening.
@Everydayisawindingroad
Never doubt yourself. Think the exact opposite of what he's trying to suggest. Think like, YOUR memory is absolutely spot on perfect. That's because you can juggle endless date changes in the summer hols, and re-arrange at the drop of a hat. It's an amazing skill. It involves memory and a sharp mind. Do not doubt your abilities. You are an amazing parent. You can probably also remember the mean things he has said to you?
In the holidays does having him around make it actually harder to deal with stuff?

I thought everyone was going to think I was such a mean horrible person either that or a dimwit, for wanting to break up our marriage, but so far (only told couple of people) they have been unbelievably supportive.

Can you go for a break away just with the DCs? I made some excuse once and took both my DD's away for a short break in the Lakes, without him. It was bliss.

Here's to you, stay strong and don't doubt yourself.

camouflagejacket · 24/06/2021 22:36

Stay strong, all you brave people. I came here to look for stories which would give me the resolve to say enough is enough, and you have all been inspiring. Thank you for starting the thread @Everydayisawindingroad.

I've done the deed, said it's over and I'm relieved, but yes, up and down. I don't want to share too much right at the moment because things are at a very precarious stage for me (they appear to be calm, but I'm waiting for a - probably drunken - explosion). But I'm reading your posts and I'm really rooting for all of you on your journeys. xx

purplepeony10 · 25/06/2021 07:40

@camouflagejacket well done, you are amazing. It’s so difficult, but the sense of relief and a great weight being lifted is enough to keep me going. Stay strong.

We have talked a lot recently without yelling, and he is very remorseful.
I have decided that if we/he keeps talking he will persuade me to change my mind. I think I need to get away , properly, sooner than September. JLS52 was right, I can’t wait until September, now I’ve made the decision.
Going to look at a flat today. If I have to take a loan out, I will.
As well as a great sense of relief and burden being lifted, there’s also a lot of tears, and a sense of loss and grief. But I know this is absolutely the right thing to do.

We’re always here if you need to talk.

JSL52 · 25/06/2021 10:50

[quote purplepeony10]@camouflagejacket well done, you are amazing. It’s so difficult, but the sense of relief and a great weight being lifted is enough to keep me going. Stay strong.

We have talked a lot recently without yelling, and he is very remorseful.
I have decided that if we/he keeps talking he will persuade me to change my mind. I think I need to get away , properly, sooner than September. JLS52 was right, I can’t wait until September, now I’ve made the decision.
Going to look at a flat today. If I have to take a loan out, I will.
As well as a great sense of relief and burden being lifted, there’s also a lot of tears, and a sense of loss and grief. But I know this is absolutely the right thing to do.

We’re always here if you need to talk.[/quote]
I'm glad you're moving forward. He will try and persuade you to stay.

SorrySoldOut · 25/06/2021 11:14

Following this…. I’ve been there but many years ago

Just want to say the life on the other side is amazing. I got out with 4 young kids. Worried about the ‘breaking up the family’ but honestly, people around me had seen it but stayed silent. They were pleased we made the break, so don’t fear opinions

My dc are all adults now. I didn’t alienate them from him, he chose to have limited contact but they know I made the best choice. We talk about it and even at a young age they knew her was wrong.

My advice would be to just make the break if the opportunity is there….. no hanging around to tie up loose ends

Original poster
Everydayisawindingroad · 25/06/2021 23:39

Hi all,

I’ve started looking at rentals in my current area as well as neighbouring ones. Pretty disheartening if I’m honest. I know I’d get a reduction on my council tax being on my own but it’s still incredibly daunting.

One of the dc was particularly clingy with dh today, it made me question if I was doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 25/06/2021 23:53

There are going to be bumps along the way. Picture yourself in 2 years as you are, living the way you do, how do you feel about that, how do you think your kids treat you?? Re focus … you are living independently, own home, sitting on kids on your sofa. How do you feel? You deserve to be happy, don’t be railroaded by the bumps.

purplepeony10 · 26/06/2021 09:56

@Everydayisawindingroad yes, absolutely, I questioned myself all the time. Then it got to 19 years. I never wanted to break up my family. My parents are divorced and I never wanted to be like them. Sometimes DH was and is at the moment very lovely.
But now I feel numb and all I can remember is the pain and hurt he has caused me over the years.

Thank you for starting this thread, and ask yourself why you did, and why we are all in here with you.
We're definitely not looking for paddling pool attachments Wink.

Some days will be better than others, but do they outweigh the hurt and the bad times?

Your DC will still see their Dad, but probably in a better way? And you will be more relaxed and happy when you're with DC, not to mention long term, the example you're setting for them as a strong woman (you are).

Flat are difficult, I'm finding that too at the moment, but that isn't going to stop me.

Stay strong.x

Original poster
Everydayisawindingroad · 26/06/2021 21:16

He’s been utterly vile today, went out for lunch while the dc were with friends and had a share platter and all he did was complain about all bar one of the items and then tried to rewrite history in the car on the way home by talking about how much he enjoyed it. Told him I didn’t want to enter into an argument about it, which did not go down well at all.
He started swearing and being aggressive towards me while we were trying to sort out dinner after I’d just burned my hand. Too busy being nasty to check I was ok.
I’m also in lots of pain from a long standing medical condition. I know I’ll need surgery again but I’m still waiting for the specialist referral.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everydayisawindingroad · 27/06/2021 08:08

Woken up this morning and just feel utterly drained and completely unprepared for the day ahead. In lots of pain and frustrated that my previous surgery and ongoing treatment haven’t been enough to dodge further surgery. The pain and the nausea from the pain are horrid.

How is everyone else feeling today?

OP posts:
youcancallmeow · 27/06/2021 10:31

hi everyone, can i join
i have at last found the courage to tell him i'm leaving after 30 miserable years, been wanting to finish it for 25 years but was too scared to tell him as he can be really nasty.
well after a massive row i stood up to him , he hit me and i told him were over that was 3 weeks ago he agreed
i cant move out straight away going to take about 4 weeks before i can leave
things are civilised we talk when we have to but i'm not scared of him now
t can't wait to leave and feel excited at the thought of not coming home to him, but i keep feeling scared about living on my ow
in my head i have this picture of being in a nice home and and nice life but then i think what if i end up sad and lonely
i wish i had a crystal ball to tell me i'm going to be ok
hope everyone else is doing ok i really admire your strengh and corage

camouflagejacket · 27/06/2021 11:41

@Everydayisawindingroad I'm sorry you're having such a bad time this weekend - but hopefully it just strengthens your resolve and reminds you what an awful existance you'll have with this man in your life.

Where is the enjoyment? You can't even go to a restaurant and relax. BTW I did have to smile when I read this, I could write the script to that one. Mine complains about EVERYHING when we eat out and is vile to the staff. The kids just cringe. I complain if food is inedible or cold, but I mainly see eating out as a opportunity to socialise, so atmosphere is more important.

And in a situation where you should be getting sympathy, you're dealing with agression. Again, this is so grimly familiar.

Please, just try and be with him as little as you can. And write it down. I've been doing that and when I read over some of it, I shock myself. Stay strong and if you can't be strong, try and protect yourself xx