I need to leave

[Everydayisawindingroad]

Married with DC and I hate to say this but I’m now utterly repulsed by him due to his ongoing abuse and treatment of me. I’m not in an immediate danger but I do need to escape before it destroys me and further damages the DC. Hoping for a handhold as I navigate this new chapter. I’m utterly petrified as I feel I’m just about to jump into the deep end of a pool unable to swim but deep down I know I need to do it.

Not this time. We had a brief separation last year but he didn't move out as I didn't have any money to give him.

We have barely spoken since his last eruption last week.
I've told him I don't want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't respect me and that his last rant was one too far.
I hate confrontation so much, particularly with him.
What stage are you at?

@Sundayblues21 and @FishBall sorry that you are also in unhappy relationships/marriages.

I’m no further on as there’s just so much happening at the moment and with an illness in the family, any changes just need to be put on the back burner for now. I will try and talk to women’s aid though. One of my dearest friends irl knows how bad things are but is very much in the camp of I should just immediately up and leave without taking on board the practicalities of it all.

It makes it so difficult when there are things going on.

I've come to the conclusion that there will never be a good time for this.
I just want to feel at peace in my own home.
Thinking of everyone stuck in this kind of limbo x

Agree completely there never seems to be the right time. And just when I think yes do it now, he is then super nice and kind. But I know it won’t last. I told one of my daughters today, I just said we may need some time apart, she was surprisingly positive about it. It felt like a step in the right direction.
Haven’t told anyone else .
I will get there.
love and fire to both of you, don’t give up and don’t lose faith in yourselves xx

@Everydayisawindingroad
I feel your pain. Be strong, and as others have said, just try to keep interaction to a minimum now you have a plan. I am in a very similar situation, I hate the 'waiting for it to kick off'

@Sundayblues21
Your situation sounds v similar to mine. I am just so exhausted by living with someone who is permanently angry and drunk before dinner every day. It was bearable 10 years ago but now I just have a knot in my stomach every day. No-one ever has any friends round, he could be drink on the sofa or shouting at a plate. I want to keep the house but if we can't, we can't.

@FishBall
Your posts sound horribly familiar as well xx

Been there, seen it done it OP. Well done on making the decision, honestly that's the biggest hurdle.

Get legal advice, gather all important papers, how are you getting him or you out of the house?
It's over, so don't engage in the sniping. Get out of his way as much as you can, go for walks, join a gym, put headphones on so you can't hear him. Music, podcast whatever. You can and will do it, one hurdle at a time

Totally agree. Tricky today he’s being super nice and has for the first time in 19 years arranged a night away for our anniversary, albeit in the wrong month. I really calmly said today (super panic inside tho) I don’t want to go away with you, I’m sorry. No bloomin’ idea why I thought I had to apologise as well, but anyway. Then I went out for a run. When I came back he’s still being nice. I know it won’t last. One step at a time. I think no one deserves to be unhappy, we all just need a little faith in ourselves and our abilities. So my friends, stay strong, believe in yourself and believe that you are stronger than him, because you are. No matter what he says, you are better and you are good people. Tell yourself everyday.

@FishBall how have things been today?

I’m feeling utterly deflated at the moment. I just can’t get my head around the choices and behaviour of the man I fell in love with. This is not how I thought my life would turn out. There is just so much uncertainty at present and I feel so utterly exhausted by it all.

Has anything in particular happened @Everydayisawindingroad? Or is it just everything getting too much?
My dh doesn't seem to have understood that I don't want to be with him anymore.

I feel sick at the thought of approaching him about it. He's going to be so angry and hurt.

I'm already getting the silent treatment for my actions.

@Sundayblues21 dh is emotionally abusive, jealous and controlling. It’s not just one isolated incident but an accumulation of his behaviour over a number of years. I’m not even sure what the final straw was I just can’t bear to be around him any longer or have him negatively impact the dc any more. Irl I have the support of a friend but my family think the sun shines out his arse and I should not break the family up, so I’m feeling pretty bereft

@Sundayblues21 I’m not sure if you are aware but giving a partner the silent treatment is a form of abuse, have you spoken to women’s aid? The fact you feel he will be angry when you tell him gives cause for concern

OP, is there any close friend or family that you could borrow a rental deposit from?

You may find that as a single parent household, and depending on any income you have, you might be entitled to all sorts of extra help. Such as Pupil Premium which I think can come with uniform subsidy as well as lunches.

You are doing the right thing in making a decision to look for an escape route now, even if it takes a while to implement. Because ongoing abuse takes away the very emotional energy you need in order to rescue yourself.

Ongoing strength!

Hi, I’ve struggled to stay with my plan, but I have just. I spoke at night in bed quietly to him and said we needed some time apart. Must admit the quietness I think really unnerved him. He said he was thinking of going away, and I insisted that it was my idea, so I would move out. He was shocked, he had meant go away for a few days. I handed my engagement ring to him and asked him to keep it , as a gesture that no matter what was going to happen in the coming months I wanted to be friends, well hopefully keep things amicable. There’s been a lot of tears. He’s very sorry and tells me he has always loved me. I truly think he doesn’t do it intentionally, but it hurts all the same. Now I’m determined not to turn back, I’m only moving forward now. I’m looking at taking out a loan, I have small savings. I’m looking at 2 bed flats, so at least my DDs can stay too. It feels bad and good at the same time. But most importantly it feels right. I’m sorry it took me 19 years to get to this point . It’s difficult as you said , we have plans over the summer. I’ve said I’ll aim to leave in September. How are you all doing?

@FishBall won't carrying on with your summer plans mislead everyone though and you have to stay longer ? If it's family stuff it will be so awkward.
I'd be making plans now.

Yes, @JSL52 I'm really aware of that, but I'm planning on telling other people, so everyone knows. I'm meeting my mum tomorrow. I guess I want everyone to know, we're going to try and remain civil and amicable.
I'm keen to tell people in the right order, so I told my DDs first, and I will tell DH that I'm going to tell other people. I have nothing to hide.

@FishBall

Yes, *@JSL52* I'm really aware of that, but I'm planning on telling other people, so everyone knows. I'm meeting my mum tomorrow. I guess I want everyone to know, we're going to try and remain civil and amicable. I'm keen to tell people in the right order, so I told my DDs first, and I will tell DH that I'm going to tell other people. I have nothing to hide.

I wish you good luck with everything.

Can I ask everyone .. @JSL52 @Sundayblues21 @Everydayisawindingroad @camouflagejacket what is your partner's relationship with their mother like? How do they treat their mother?
Just curious to understand.

Thank you @JSL52 that means a lot

@Everydayisawindingroad my DH is exactly the same, everyone thinks he is brilliant, and he gets on so well with everyone. Because everyone thinks he's great, it makes me feel more like I'm in the wrong all the time, like I'm the one causing the 'fuss'.
The very quiet and determined approach really worked for me. I literally whispered it to him, that I wanted a break, which made me sound like a crazy person! I was shit scared he would get angry, but he was just blown away. He asked if we can still make plans for the future, and I said 'no', I said, I don't want to give him false hope OR feel obliged to come back. I've been writing thing down, events, things that made me sad, things that hurt me. That helps too.

@FishBall

Can I ask everyone .. *@JSL52* *@Sundayblues21* *@Everydayisawindingroad* *@camouflagejacket* what is your partner's relationship with their mother like? How do they treat their mother? Just curious to understand.

She's dead now , but poor. He was nice to her , she was vile.

Also, whilst I'm chatting away here, I would say what has been a driving force, is that I don't want my DDs to end up with someone similar. So I guess I'm trying to do things in the best way for the best reasons to set an example for them.
I want to show them you can be strong. If I can be strong and do the right thing, then hopefully they will believe that they too can be strong, and that they never should put up with verbal abuse from anyone, no matter what.

@JSL52 I like your response. It made me chuckle.

Polly and her Dollies continue to improve in every way www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4228998-Polly-and-her-Dollies-continue-to-improve-in-every-way

This lady is on her 5th thread. Execrable the advise.

John learns to adult www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4257752-John-learns-to-adult

Also a helpful thread (about number 2 I think)