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Uninvited to family wedding

(839 Posts)
R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 02:51:46

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

OP’s posts: |
Reinventinganna Fri 26-Feb-21 02:57:30

Tell her in a letter. Exactly what you’ve written here.

I would probably end it with ps your father is a twat.

BlueThistles Fri 26-Feb-21 02:59:26

Kick him out

picknmix1984 Fri 26-Feb-21 03:02:36

Want an absolute despicable wanker you live with. Get shot of him ASAP then write to her. Then leave it.

Why did you say you are still with him? The children? They are better off without him. He's toxic!

R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 03:12:34

Reinventinganna

Tell her in a letter. Exactly what you’ve written here.

I would probably end it with ps your father is a twat.

I agree he’s a twat and worse. But what do I write “ you know all that mean stuff your father has been telling you I said about you - he’s been lying. He’s the one who said that “.

She’s never going to believe me. She will think it’s revenge because I’m not going to her wedding.

I have zero interest in weddings BTW, I’ve been pretending to be interested for her sake for the last three years. She’s been a complete Bridezilla and I’ve been smiling and nodding and biting my tongue.

Her father of course has had a free pass from all the wedding stuff, it’s only me who has had to suffer it.

OP’s posts: |
seensome Fri 26-Feb-21 03:13:34

He's awful, tell her the truth even if she doesn't believe it, you've tried to put it right. Divorce your husband, he is a nasty bit of work, always has been, always will be

bombastical Fri 26-Feb-21 03:17:42

Copy the link to this thread. Send it to her in an email. Don’t say anything else. Just send the link and “I hope you’ll read this. It’s very important”
Don’t get involved in a slanging match or a back and forth. Keep your powder dry. Your husband is a nasty nasty man. You deserve better than this. There’s something very very wrong with him. If it was me, I’d say no more to him about anything. Ever. Do not get involved anymore about the wedding. Cancel everything. If he’s going, he can make his own arrangements. Get as much money back for things as you can. You cannot win this one. He’s fucked you over. You’ve been chucked under the bus. I’m actually struggling to know what to say because I’ve never read anything quite so deliberately nasty. Do nothing for him.
Why don’t you divorce him? Your kids are now teens. Send them the link to this thread too so he doesn’t and can’t do the same to them. He’s going to ruin your entire life if you don’t get rid of him and go absolutely zero contact with him. You cannot do anything with a person like him apart from cut him off. From today he is dead to you.

Toilenstripes Fri 26-Feb-21 03:18:53

Reinventinganna

Tell her in a letter. Exactly what you’ve written here.

I would probably end it with ps your father is a twat.

I would also add in the letter that she really has been a great deal of trouble and you’re glad to be rid of both of them. Why on Earth would you tolerate his cheating and her violence?

Reinventinganna Fri 26-Feb-21 03:18:54

Print out this thread and send it. Let her think what she likes, you’ve had her back for years.
Time to leave, let them be arseholes to each other.

bombastical Fri 26-Feb-21 03:19:49

I would also say that she’s very disturbed and no wonder with a disgusting, vile father like him. Get rid

R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 03:21:29

I asked him why he did it. I mean I know that he thinks that putting me down makes him look good, that’s the kind of person he is.

But surely he was hurting his daughter too, saying all these hurtful things to her, even if he pretended it was coming from me.

When I put that to him he said that it didn’t make any difference as she’s always hated me so there was no relationship anyway.

OP’s posts: |
bombastical Fri 26-Feb-21 03:22:34

I agree with @Reinventinganna and keep us posted on what happens next. DO NOT cry or beg or try and voice any disappointment or plead. These people are not normal. The only way you can win is to not play the game. What is the relationship like between your husband (ex husband) and her Mother? Post her a letter with the link to this thread. She might be able to put some sense into her.

bombastical Fri 26-Feb-21 03:24:47

Well that’s a crock of shit. He fuelled the fire. He should have been building you up to her to make those difficult years better. He did it because he enjoyed the drama and it made you the scapegoat.

bombastical Fri 26-Feb-21 03:25:46

I also think you shouldn’t want to go to the wedding anyway. She sounds as nasty as her Father. Breathe a sigh of relief and be done with them all

R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 03:28:30

@bombastical

I will cancel the accommodation I’ve not paid the full amount. I’ve told our teens they can decide for themselves if they want to go with their dad or stay home with me.

I know that everything else you’ve said is true as well ☹️. You are right that he’s nasty and I need to divorce him.

OP’s posts: |
3rdNamechange Fri 26-Feb-21 03:31:16

They both sound vile. How can you live like this ?
Is this it for the rest of your life?

Crikeycroc Fri 26-Feb-21 03:33:49

He wanted to hurt his daughter and express his dislike of her without being cut out of her life.
Please consider some counseling so you can identify who remaining in this relationship is really serving. Not your children that’s for sure.

GreenLeafTurnip Fri 26-Feb-21 03:34:01

I'm just going to say this gently but perhaps it would be better just to leave it how it is? She isn't your daughter but she is your husband's daughter. If you've been facilitating their relationship all these years then he's probably going to fuck it up now without you anyway. Would it not be better just to take the high ground? It will likely filter back to your children what has happened and I think that it would set a better example to them that you didn't retaliate.

But divorce him for sure. You deserve a better life than this with him.

R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 03:34:36

I don’t want to go to the wedding. I never did anyway, I was just going along with it all to be kind.

And no I won’t beg or plead. I was very polite and calm with her on the phone . I just said I’d discuss it with the children and let her know if they were still coming. But she then got more angry and said how important it was to her that they attend, it would mean so much to her.

Because obviously her feelings were top of my priority list tonight.

OP’s posts: |
R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 03:40:28

@GreenLeafTurnip

My kids already know. In fact she texted my oldest to tell her just after she phoned me.

Oldest was not impressed and asked why. She told them it’s because we are “not close “ and they are trying to keep the numbers down because of Covid.

There’s 80 guests BTW.

OP’s posts: |
bombastical Fri 26-Feb-21 03:47:43

So she also lied to your oldest.
She’s not exactly covering herself in glory is she.
Divorce your husband. Don’t even say anything to him about it. Go see a solicitor and file for divorce on the basis of unreasonable behaviour. Let him get served. Don’t talk or engage with him again. It’s now down to him to plan and sort the wedding. You are done. Tell your teens that it’s up to them if they go. You are extremely hurt by her behaviour and you want them to know that it’s not ok to be unkind like this but it’s not their problem so it’s up to them to decide and you fully support them whatever. Then don’t talk about it to anyone apart from us. Take the high road. They are going to try and make you the wedding scapegoat. Don’t allow it.

FossilisedFanny Fri 26-Feb-21 03:52:08

He’s despicable, I’d want to know why he told you that he said it was you saying all these things when he could have just kept quiet. As if he hasn’t hurt you enough by having affairs. The man is sick.

R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 03:53:35

Two of the kids have already decided they are not going and the other is thinking about it.

I’ve not told them any of the information about their dad, just that I’m uninvited . I said I would be ok whatever they decided, they are free to go with their dad or stay home with me. I’ve said to take the weekend to decide.

OP’s posts: |
Eekay Fri 26-Feb-21 03:53:54

I don't know the specific reasons that have made you stay in this marriage thus far. But surely to god nothing can truly be worth living like this?
You sound really calm and almost detached from what is a horrible situation created by a vile man.
It feels like you're completely accustomed to being treated like crap.
Your husband is a twisted bastard and has raised a deeply damaged daughter.
I honestly hope that reading the responses on here sparks something in you, and you decide to get that monstrous creep out of your home and your life.
Can you picture a life with yourself and your children living freely? What would it look like? Please don't waste your life away in this poisonous relationship.

R0SEMARY Fri 26-Feb-21 03:58:51

I am calm now although I’ve been crying. But yes I’m accustomed to being treated like crap by both of them. I’ve made excuses for them both for so long.

I know that what you are all saying is true.

OP’s posts: |

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