Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

@Reinventinganna

Tell her in a letter. Exactly what you’ve written here.

I would probably end it with ps your father is a twat.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

You sound like a good person. Walk away from all of it with your head held high!

I agree. And please take legal advice to protect your and DCs’ finances.

Omg what a prick! I would be having it out with him and getting him to say his true feelings out loud (while recording it) then send to daughter! And finally DIVORCE! sending hugs xx

One of the myths fed to women who want to leave their DH's is that the man is the one who holds all the cards. They aren't.

Children aren't stupid. They can love their parents, but they don't have to like them. They may try to stay out of disputes but know their dad is an arsehole.

You have put in some hard yards OP. You don't have to do anything about this today. Do what is best for YOU and your DC. What you need to do is to get your ducks in order. Work out the earliest date that you can leave him i.e. the date that would affect your DC the least, the date money would be better, etc. How far off is that? Is it a year, 2 years, 6-months? Talk to a solicitor. Talk to the CAB about what benefits you would be entitled to. Get copies of his finances. Do you work? Do you have a separate bank account where you can start putting money? Start skimming money and putting it away, as much as you can get away with. Go to the supermarket, pay DD and ask for cash back, bank it. Draw money out, skim some off and bank it. Sell your old crap on Facebook, bank it.

Lots of women say leave now, but it is not as simple as that. Some women are miserable, but they would rather be miserable than upset their DC. I understand that. If you are a nice person, like yourself, I get it.
What you need to do in the meantime is further mentally detach yourself from him whilst you raid the finances and get your plans in place.

As for his daughter, I wouldn't even bother. She sounds as bad as him TBH. I actually don't believe her. Why would she let you get involved in her wedding, knowing you have said that stuff. She has either used you or she is using her wedding as an excuse to kick the boot in. The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

You say you lead separate lives. Well then, why are you bothering with his adult daughter? She is not your problem. Please tell your children the truth about what has happened. I wouldn't let someone treat my mum like crap and I'd be upset if she had taken the fall for something she didn't do. In my family, if you insult or bully one of us for no good reason, you do it to all of us and we will all call you on it. I'd be upset with my DC if they went along with people behaving badly.

There are lots of people treating you badly and I think you have been worn down by it. I think you should see a counsellor to show you that you deserve respect.

You do not deserve this. You sound like the kind of person who tries to do the right thing. After this despicable behaviour by both your husband and his fucked up daughter you need to,do,the right thing by yourself and your kids and get rid of this disgusting excuse for a husband. You are worth more. Please let us know what happens xxx

Right, excellent, at least you don't have to go to the wedding.
I would actually tell your own dcs exactly what has happened. If you're saying to them it's up to them to decide if they'd like to go or not, I think they should at least be informed of the facts before they make that decision.
You are their mum and you have been vilified and lied about. If they decided to go to Helen's wedding without knowing this info, they will be upset if they discover it afterwards.
Then if she's hassling them by text to still go... one of them might let her know why that's not happening. And actually, what on earth does she think she's doing insisting on your dcs being there, but banning their mum?
Fuck that.
Do not spend any energy protecting either you H's or Helen's reputation by omitting to state their behaviour to your dcs. Be honest with them.
Your H does not deserve good relationships with any of you, and after this he is going to get what he deserves.

@R0SEMARY - I was going to ask why the sudden change of mind too, if he’s told her you’ve been saying all these things about her over the years, then why has she decided to uninvite you only now.

I would want him to phone her and tell the truth in front of me. He really is incredibly stupid because now he has to drive 9 hours to a wedding alone, where he ll know noone!!! Cancel the holiday and hotel room. See a solicitor for advice on leaving.

Your husband has had multiple affairs and now pulls a stunt like this. Why? What would he gain from causing a rift like this?

Sounds like you have put up with so much from both of them and done everything you can to keep the peace. At this point I would be getting rid of the husband and washing my hands of the wicked stepdaughter too.

Is your husband telling you the truth? If he's been feeding Helen these lies about you for years, why would she involve you in all her wedding plans in the first place? And then suddenly backtrack? I suspect he has told her something recently to make her change her mind.
I rarely think "LTB" but he sounds like a. very manipulative person and you and the children would be better off without him

What a nasty piece of work he is. Please don’t spend the rest of your life with him, you are worth so much more I know it’s hard

This thread is so sad. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here.
I feel so sorry for you.

This must be one of the saddest things I've read on here.

Any one thing would be enough to leave him!

He's a cheating, lying homophobe!

I wouldn't bother with his daughter-she's nasty as well-concentrate on yourself & teens.

Hope that none of your teens decide to go & that you manage to get away from him.

The uninvite now is strange-maybe her dad has hinted that you might make a scene?

Not RTFT but this:

“It is possible thar your husbands lies have been going on for longer than he has told you and his stirring and manipulation of Helen has caused a lot more problems than you know about. Especially if he had been doing it whilst she was very young. He could have been saying you can’t come to stay as Rosemary doesn’t want you here. I would personally want to know from Helen what other negative comments he had said to her about you and whether he has done it to your dc as well.

I would divorce him ASAP and let all the children including Helen know. Although it’s upsetting to Helen that her dad is such a cock, it’s better than the kids know it’s him and not you that has these all hateful views. It may be that you and the DC and Helen end up closer without him.

I wouldn’t tell her about this thread or say anything negative about the wedding. I would explain that I was very sorry that she was under the impression you held these views and it was categorically untrue and finding out about the lies from Your husband after many other issues have been the final straw for divorce. You wish her nothing but happiness and you would like to clear the air with her and move forward, with her accepting that you aren’t a homophobic arse.”

Chances are the your H has been the cause of the nastiness all along. He sounds like a nasty, selfish man who finds it easier to keep all his children at arms-length in any case. Quite capable of making you the villain because he can’t be bothered to parent properly. It’s unbelievably poisonous to drip those nasty, bigoted views in his daughter’s ears and then attribute them to you. As another PP said, he obviously wanted her to know those thoughts. He just didn’t want to own them.

What's a lovely person like yourself doing with a vile twat like him ?

File for divorce when he is away. Gives you time to gather documents etc. I would also be sewing prawns into every pair of curtains before you leave...
You are well rid of both of them.

Sorry OP but reading this I don't think you're being completely honest.

You have listed off many character flaws of Helen, all apparantly in your DH's worse, but then dripfed that actually, you agreed with him on some of it, then go on to call Helen a bridezilla and that you never wanted to go to her wedding anyway.

Reading your posts I've no doubt you've been very unpleasant toward and about her yourself, and she knows it.

I don't your DH says awful things about her. In fact, I think he's very well voiced some of his opinions to his daughter himself (because he can't help himself) and dressed it up as it's what 'Rosemary' thinks.

But one things for sure, you're not giving the full story.

I think Helen would be best off without you there, and without her dad there to be totally honest. Some of the things you're spouting about her (and I do mean YOU, 'bridezilla' etc, not just what your husbands been saying) is awful and you both sound like not very nice people at all.

I've no doubt she was a pain in the arse in her younger days. That happens to people sometimes. You two as adults have no excuse though. I'd disown you both if I was in Helen's position to be frank.

in your DH's words *

not worse.

Do your children know that it’s their dad who had these unpleasant view and not you?

I would feel compelled to tell them the truth.

I would also feel the SD.

@R0SEMARY

I can’t tell you how many days and nights over the years that I’ve agonised over things with Helen. I’ve tried so so hard to help her and make things work.

I’ve posted on here ( under different names ) many times asking for advice ( although I’ve learned to be wary of some of the step mum haters on here ).

I just can’t believe that he’s spent years lying and causing trouble like this, it’s is really poisonous as @Eekay said.

I think @Crikeycroc is right in this -

He wanted to hurt his daughter and express his dislike of her without being cut out of her life

While he’s gone change the locks and serve divorce papers. Only let him get his stuff when you can have someone else there to physically kick him out if needed - the police will help if you call your local station.

Definitely make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand re the house. You have had a long marriage and 3 teenagers who need continuity.

Lots of men threaten not to leave and try to force the woman to leave with the children. You need to stay in that house, your children's home. Start from that stand point.

Wow, that is some kind of special that your husband is!

I've heard of people doing similar - saying the worst things to people but then blaming others for having said it first - you know the kind of thing "Oh, Barbara thinks you look really fat in that dress" when Barbara never thought or said any such thing, and the teller is the one who thinks it!

It's a vicious way to hurt 2 people at once. Divide and conquer sort of thing.

Your husband is an arrant bastard anyway by the sound of it - what an utter horror of a man he sounds! I understand you staying because of the practicalities, but really, how much more shit do you have to put up with?

I'm glad you're doing nothing for him - please make sure that you continue in that vein, reducing contact with him as much as possible until you CAN leave.

So sorry - but at least you now don't have to go and play happy families with this SD.

Why would he admit to you that he was lying to Helen all these years? What was in it for him to tell you that?

You cannot win this one. He’s fucked you over. You’ve been chucked under the bus.

This. There is nothing you can do or say that will win Helen over or suddenly make her see the light. He will be one step ahead of you, at least. Where she's concerned I think it's a case that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, plus he will have been messing with her head for years. And I think it's that that makes it very important that you get your own children and yourself away from him.

It may be that in years to come Helen realises for herself what an arse her father is. The truth may come out in some way, but it will do that when he finally shows his true colours to her, not by you emailing her or sending links to this thread.

I'm sorry OP. It's a shitty situation and he sounds horrific. I would take the advice PP are giving you about when and how to get out.

[quote justchecking1]@R0SEMARY I don't understand? Your husband has been telling lies about the things you've said for years, and yet Helen invited you anyway. None of this is new information for Helen, only for you. Why has she suddenly uninvited you now? What has happened in the last few days to make her suddenly change her mind? [/quote]
Thank you all for your wise and kind messages, so many of you have made helpful points . To answer some

@justchecking1 - I don’t understand this bit either. There has been NOTHING at all. We’ve not seen them in person for months because of lockdown. All the conversations I’ve had with Helen have been group calls / phone on speaker type of thing. Even when she visits, I’m rarely alone with her.

We never had personal one on one conversations now if that makes sense. We have polite chats about her job / cats etc over zoom with the other kids around.

She’s not much involved in my kids life, she doesn’t know their hobbies or what subjects they do at school for example. They don’t feel close to her at all, which is understandable as there’s such a large age gap. It’s more like a distant aunt they see at Christmas who says “ Now what year are you in school now “ kind of thing please

The only thing that’s happened in the last week is that Boris’s announcement means that they have finally confirmed their wedding date, although it’s been booked since last year ( the venue didn’t give them their money back, they just changed that date ) .

So the people saying she’s Logical in not inviting you don’t understand. I’ve been invited for literally years. She’s been chatting to her about it for years, asking for my help with various aspects of wedding organisation.

So I assume Dh has said or done something to bring this to a head. But of course he won’t admit it.