Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

Oh & remember bloody Helen has already ear marked things she wants.....
She will be there in a Flash helping herself to all your possessions, saying it was bought by her father

I agree with @Enough4me

They will continue to blame you for everything.

They need a scapegoat and they wont be without one.

Thank you for the kind and supportive comments.

I would LOVE to box up all his crap and have the men take it on Tuesday but that’s not physically possible. There’s a HUGE amount - just they basement alone is two rooms lined with racking filled to ceiling height with his junk. The garage is the same and it’s probably big enough for 1.5 cars. Plus the attic.

There’s literally hundreds of boxes full.

Even if I could carry them all, where would I put them?

He has told the removal people who are coming on Tuesday that he will have about 20 boxes. So they just wont take the rest I’m sure. I can’t imagine he’s the first person to have booked them for 20 boxes and it turns out he has 50.

So I need to play the long game and get him and his stuff out the house over the next 4-6 weeks. I will give some thought as to how I can secure any precious items.

You know he's probably going to live in the house when you're away? And you'll either come back to a horrendous mess with the stuff he doesn't want all over the place, or lots of things you consider to be yours, gone.

What a great update op, fab news.

So is he planning/have you agreed he can keep coming back?

Still change the locks and he can only come at a time to suit you when you can supervise.

So happy to hear your progress R0SEMARY. So bloody happy! I've just read through all your posts from start to finish, you even sound lighter now.

And - fly in the ointment - I'm another who would not let him have access to your home when you're on holiday.

"He’s very bad for keeping lots of junk - our basement, loft and garage are full of his things. ... So I’m really REALLY pleased at the prospect of getting rid of all that junk. Although he’s not taking it now, apparently he’s moving all that in a few weeks when I ( Covid permitting ) go on holiday with the children."

No. Just 'no'.

He is moving out this weekend. I would suggest that his stuff moves well before you go on holiday. It would actually be worth booking your own van (with packing included) and paying for it all to be emptied out of your house and unloaded at his. It sounds to me like there's a fuckton of stuff, more than you can 'help' him to take with him this weekend, so I wouldn't even try. This is another control attempt of his. Head it off at the pass. Arrange removers to remove every last vestige of him.

Do NOT give him unfettered unsupervised access to your home. I personally wouldn't allow him fettered supervised access either - there is no need for him to have any access at all. I'm sure he'll argue the toss, make it all about the children, but they can access him at his house.

Get those locks changed ASAP. The minute he's out the door, change them. If he doesn't want to take delivery of his own belongings fine - tell him you'll direct the delivery van to a storage facility of his choosing. One that he's paying for. Otherwise, it will be delivered to him on x date at y time, 'no I can't change the date or the time, that's when they're available. It's just how it is, like when you had deliveries and they gave you a four hour slot'.

Seriously - he does not get back in. I would put good money on him not taking it anyway, so that he could swan back and forth forever just to play his poxy mindgames. No. It ends on x date at y time.

@ivykaty44

change the locks just before you go on holiday.....

Please do this . . .

So I need to play the long game and get him and his stuff out the house over the next 4-6 weeks

Or you could find out how much it would cost to have a moving company do that for you, and weigh if the cost of that is worth more or less of six weeks of peace you will have away from his manipulation? Personally I would spend that money in exchange for being rid of this joker.

Another voice of congratulations at what you've achieved so far, @R0SEMARY, and also saying I really think your wisest move is to change the locks asap, or at the very latest, before you go on holiday.
Every time I see the thread title, I change it in my mind to: "At last, I've got rid of the manipulative man and his ghastly daughter who've treated me so badly for the past 20 years."

"Him

“ The dishwasher [ in his new house ] is DISGUSTING! Its even dirty on the control panel and all down the sides . I mean , how does it even get like that ? I’ve never seen ours like that ! “

Me “ Thats because I clean it every week “.

Him

Wait til he finds out about the soap powder dispenser in the washing machine and the lint filter in the tumble dryer"

I genuinely laughed out loud at this

No he has made arrangements to remove his property he needs to remove it

Give the police (?) A call and ask them how long he needs to have left it before its considered abandoned (I say police because they advised me years ago I dont know if its changed)

I remember your thread but haven’t commented so far, I also haven’t rtft so I apologise if someone else has suggested the following.
Give him a time ultimatum & then use a house clearance company to get rid of his stuff & clear your garage, basement & anywhere else he has left his crap. It really is money well spent & liberating to get rid of all that unwanted baggage.

So wonderful to read your update. However, you need to perhaps change your mindset further. He is no longer the owner of the house. You need to approach it as you would with any house purchase, with a previous owner leaving their crap behind. No long delays, pleading with him to take I etc. Just call in a rubbish house clearing company. The expense is well worth it to not have to deal with this fucktard and his controlling fuckery. He has no right to continue storing his shit there. Don't even engage with him over this. Just tell him everything needs to be gone within x amount of time or it will be dumped. I'd personally charge him for the removal but then I am a contrary moo.

Another option might be to rent a storage locker yourself, prepay for two months, and just have all his stuff delivered there. Tell him where it is and leave the key for him. So there's no more reason to interact with him, and if he doesn't clear it out or pay for ongoing storage, then it's his problem.

I nearly had a similar situation with my ex, but we sold the house even before the divorce was final, so all of his stuff was either moved or thrown away to make way for the new owners.

oh & Make sure he doesn't leave with the internet box, as someone did this week even though his internet hadn't been connected !

That's a good one to remember - Ex'D'P decided, in the middle of a split he initiated (god knows why I didn't see the light sooner) that I didn't "deserve" (his words) to have internet acccess. He attempted to try and let himself into the home we'd shared to nick the router, and was most upset to find I'd changed the locks (cue some abusive texts).

He tried to claim he had travelled for miles, unannounced, to drop off some complete junk - some I hadn't noticed was missing, some of which was never mine - in an attempt to give himself an alibi. I found out the real reason through a mutual friend.

Renting a storage locker is not quite as simple as that though. These days you have to show ID and have to rent it in your own name. If her ex does not shift it in 2 months, the OP would still be liable for storage costs and it is pretty expensive for the amount of stuff. We are talking a few hundred pounds a month!

Oh what lovely updates!

Do be careful about that holiday. Could you change the locks first! Or get your sister to house sit?

I love this thread and am waiting for more 'John learns to be an adult ' updates.

I didn't see this thread until now, and I'm chuffed for you, OP. Here's to a life free from daily abuse from the ex, and drama from the stepdaughter! What a result.

I’d give him a deadline to clear it all or tell him you will get a house clearance company to come and take it all.
That should get him to hurry up. Don’t let him in without you there under any circumstances!

I have read all of your posts @R0SEMARY.

What a rollercoaster of emotions.

So happy to read your updates.

Like many others though, I urge you not to let him into, what is now, your house while you are away on holiday.

The man has stated on many occasions that he cannot be trusted in many ways and that it is thoroughly intentional.

I fear you may be so relieved he is going that you are not being as suspicious of him as you should be.

What if, heaven forbid, he does something even beyond taking or destroying sentimental and important items, actaully deciding to the damage the house itself.

He does potentially seem the type to get vengeful if his master manipulator ways are thwarted.

He may seem okay now, but he has not actiually gone anywhere yet. He obviously does not know what he is in for. After a few weeks of having to do his own shitty tasks that you used to do for him, he might be developing some deep resentments that will end in him blaming you that he has to clean his own shit out of the toilet etc. Let's face it, he has form for using you in many different ways. When it hits him what domestic assistance he has lost, I doubt he's the sort to cry. He is the sort to get angry and nasty.

Be careful. Don't take your eyes off him at this very critical stage.

I have only just seen this thread.

So glad you are getting rid of him. He needs to be gone faster though. Every time he came round I think I would fill up his car with his stuff.

Great update! Well done OP.

I agree with not giving him access to the house unless you are there.

I suggest changing the locks

Fab! I know this would be expensive but if you can afford it, I would get movers in to box up all his shit and drop it to the front of his property.

No need to tell him what you are doing. His won't need to wait in the poor little scrap because they will just dump it outside. Preferably in the rain.