Uninvited to family wedding

[R0SEMARY]

Sorry this is long as there’s a lot of background and I don’t want to drip feed. Names/ details changed of course.

I’ve been married for 20 years to John, we have teenage kids together and John has a daughter, Helen, from a previous marriage. Helen is in her 30s and so was a teenager when I married her father. And no, I was not the OW - they were divorced years before we met.

Our marriage has been very difficult for the last 10 years, mostly because of my husband’s many affairs (among other things) . I’ve tried to leave several times but it’s complicated and I’ve stayed for the sake of the children. It’s bearable because he works away a lot and we pretty much lead separate lives.

When Helen was a teenager she lived with us for half the week. This was hard for me, I will admit, because she had a lot of behavioural issues and was very challenging. I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and inappropriate behaviour as I knew she was troubled and unhappy. She was occasionally physically aggressive towards me, especially when I was pregnant.

After she left home things got better of course and during her 20s and 30s we have got on OK. She lives at the other end of the country with her girlfriend so we only meet up a few times a year but keep in touch by phone, what’s app, zoom etc .

They are getting married this autumn, postponed from last year. We are all involved - my teenagers are bridesmaids / ushers - it’s been years in the planning. Naturally I have my Step MOB outfit and I’ve arranged ( booked and paid for ) a week’s holiday for us all around the event, as it’s a 9 hour drive away.

However my husband has always struggled with Helen’s sexuality. He disliked her last girlfriend and really hates her current fiancée ( says she’s fat and ugly ) but I’ve always tried to smooth things over and persuade him to keep on good terms with them both. He originally didn’t want anything to do with the wedding, partly because he hates her girlfriend and partly because he has an issue with same sex relationships in general. He still thinks it’s a phase that Helen will grow out of ( sorry I know that’s offensive ).

However I talked him round and made all the arrangements so he can’t say it’s too much hassle. He didn’t even want to walk her down the aisle but I persuaded him to suggest instead that she ask her mum as they are closer.

Then tonight, out of the blue, Helen phoned me to say that she doesn’t want me at her wedding any longer but she still wants my husband and children to attend.

I was absolutely gobsmacked. We’ve been talking about this wedding for three years, I’ve helped her choose bridesmaids dresses, flowers, menu etc (at her request). She wouldn’t say why she was doing this.

There’s been no arguments or falling out of any kind - all recent conversions have been about the wedding, her work, her cats etc.

Of course I asked her father what was going on and after a long conversation he admitted that he has been lying to Helen about me for years. Basically all the negative and nasty things he has been saying to me about her, he has told her that I said them, not him.

I am so shocked. Ever since I’ve known him he’s been complaining to me about her. About her refusing to attend school as a teenager, about her self harming ( which he said was just attention seeking ), her lies and stealing, her sexuality, career choices, her dropping out of university, cheating on her previous partner, her character, her lack of religion ( he is from a conservative religious background and raised her in it ).

I’ve spent years listening to him talk about her . So often I’ve defended her and tried to get him to be a little more open minded about her beliefs and lifestyle. Persuaded him to be polite to her partners and talked about their good points. Made the effort to keep in touch, sending gifts and cards etc.

Don’t get me wrong, some of what he complains about is right and I’ve agreed with him . But I’ve never said it to anyone except him and I assumed that what we said was between us. It never crossed my mind that he was telling her anything that we discussed. It’s one of the few things I thought we were united on - that we support each other in dealing with her. Even during her adult life there’s been a lot of drama and I’ve always supported him.

And now I discover he has been undermining me to her for all these years. I’ve worked so hard to try to keep things friendly and to keep open the lines of communication and he’s been working against me behind my back.

It’s not that I thought DH loved me - I’m not under any illusion about that. He only stays because he likes the domestic servicing and he doesn’t have to pay child support or parent his children.

But I just don’t understand why he would tell all these lies for years. Why would anyone do that ? I’m just so shocked I don’t know what to think or what to do.

And no I won’t beg or plead. I was very polite and calm with her on the phone . I just said I’d discuss it with the children and let her know if they were still coming. But she then got more angry and said how important it was to her that they attend, it would mean so much to her.

Tough-she shouldn’t be treating their mother like this, then! Behaviour has consequences.

What have you told your kids is her reason for uninviting you?

Wow, Sausage that's some serious projecting going on there. Just because OP is calling Helen a bridezilla here doesn't mean she's saying anything of the sort in person. OP is entitled to her views, but sounds like she has gone above and beyond to treat Helen nicely, esp given their history.

Agreed though that the timing is odd. I wonder if he came up with some particularly awful gem (that was supposedly from you) in an attempt to cancel the wedding?

I do wonder if it would be better to tell your children a modified version of the truth. Your child who is on the fence deserves to have the facts when making their choice, esp if it is one of the older ones.

@bombastical

I’m thinking that at some point you will have to tell your kids what really happened. After the wedding has happened I’d say. You need to protect them and yourself from his nastiness. He’s likely to do the same to them so they do need to know what he’s done so they can make sure to be aware when he tries to do it again.

I’d agree with this. If your step daughter repeats the lies about you that she’s been fed to your children, they need to know that it’s not true and that you’re not some sort of closet homophobe. Lance the boil before it festers.

I’d tell them now, though, not after the wedding.

Let them get on with it. Hopefully your children won’t want to go and you can get a weekend without him knowing that he won’t be enjoying it as he is a horrible homophobic man. Get legal advice about you staying in your home with the kids and get him out of your life. Nasty piece of work. Good luck OP x

Even if you don't physically leave the house you can initiate divorce proceedings. Send a clear message to your DC that the relationship you and your DH have is not a good marriage. If you don't they will end up in a similar situation one day.

I agree with sending DSD this link. Tell her you are sorry not to be at the wedding but will be thinking of her then let it go.

R0SEMARY I don't understand? Your husband has been telling lies about the things you've said for years, and yet Helen invited you anyway. None of this is new information for Helen, only for you. Why has she suddenly uninvited you now? What has happened in the last few days to make her suddenly change her mind*

I can’t believe Helen has been listening to all these horrible things about you and not said something sooner.
Something sounds wrong here, either your husband is lying about lying to Helen about you or something else has happened.

I'm so sorry, op. I read your post with my mouth open. What a despicable thing for your husband to do. He has totally undermined you and hung you out to dry. That is unforgivable.

I agree you should print out this thread inits entirety and send to Helen. It doesn't matter if she believes you or not. I wouldn't be sending it for that reason, but to get your version out there because it deserves to be heard.

What are you going to do regarding your marriage? I know you have said you couldnt leave in the past, but this betrayal is so extreme I wonder how you could live with it.

I just want to say I'm so sorry for what he has done to you. You deserve so much more and I wonder if this horrible incident will be where you say enough is enough. I just want to give you a big hug x

Please leave your shitshow of a marriage. Surely nothings worth living like this for.

Write what you wrote here.

She may not believe you initially (she might though) but I suspect she'll come to realise it is true. I suspect the fact your husband is homophobic and sexist will not be that hard to marry up with her current experience of him.

And then seriously OP can you not set a timetable to leave him? This sounds like a dire situation for you and the children.

Surely Helen knows what sort of views her dad has about things, and what sort of views you have though?!

So I assume Dh has said or done something to bring this to a head. But of course he won’t admit it.

has this maybe come from Helen going back to her dad about giving her away (perhaps because her girlfriend's dad is going to do the honours for his daughter), and he's wriggled and said, 'No, Rosemary would rather die than see me walk a lesbian down the aisle!'

In the end, though, even if he goes on his own, he's going to have be pull off an Oscar-worthy performance not to let his real feelings show for a whole day, especially if drink is taken.

@FossilisedFanny

R0SEMARY I don't understand? Your husband has been telling lies about the things you've said for years, and yet Helen invited you anyway. None of this is new information for Helen, only for you. Why has she suddenly uninvited you now? What has happened in the last few days to make her suddenly change her mind*

I can’t believe Helen has been listening to all these horrible things about you and not said something sooner.
Something sounds wrong here, either your husband is lying about lying to Helen about you or something else has happened.

Hmm. Good point.

I would send her a very calm and polite letter or email outlining exactly what has happened and what your husband has admitted to. Explain you won’t be coming to the wedding regardless and you don’t feel your relationship is repairable. Explain that whilst you accept she may choose to believe her father over you, at least you understand now why she dislikes you so much. Wish her well and let her know her father’s unreasonable behaviour is the reason why you will be divorcing him.

Then get on with the divorce. Don’t worry about what he has said about refusing to leave. Just start proceedings regardless. As you say, you don’t share a room or have a marital relationship so it should make little difference other than make things official. Tell your children what has happened. They are both old enough to know more than you realise about what has been going on so deserve the truth, and also they need to understand what their father is like, because it’s likely he does or will do the same to them.

Enjoy the rest of your life away from them.

Bloody hell. Your DH is a piece of work. I can imagine him telling all those women he has had affairs with what a terrible person you are and that's why he cheats on you.
I'd do nothing about the wedding and Helen. I'd see a solicitor, look at getting him out of the house and then I'd sit down and tell your children everything, because he will absolutely start on them. He will tell them you are lying, that you are making things up, that he's the victim. You need to make sure that they are ready and protected as much as you can.
After the dust has settled you can tell Helen everything, and I would put money on him having dripped poison in her ear about you since she was a teenager.

I don't know what's wrong with your DH but I do know that I was a victim of a covert narcissist, it's unbelievable the lies he would tell, the truth that would be twisted and the people he would turn against me behind my back. I was being gaslit every which way and you probably are too.

There is nothing you can do or say that will win Helen over or suddenly make her see the light. He will be one step ahead of you, at least. Where she's concerned I think it's a case that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, plus he will have been messing with her head for years. And I think it's that that makes it very important that you get your own children and yourself away from him

Helen will NEVER fall out with him. The main reason she hates me is that she believes that I and my children are stealing her inheritance.

This is so wrong it’s laughable. When I met him he had a modest house, a large flashy car and matching lifestyle and a shit load of debt. Helen was at an expensive private school.

I owned my house outright and had a more modest lifestyle. We sold both houses and I paid off his debts with some of my equity. I’ve spent 20 years working on his business and it’s now very successful. But that’s made it hard to leave because I’d also be leaving my job and I’d have little to show for the last 20 years of earnings.

But we have a nice house, he drives a new car and Helen thinks we are loaded. John is a bit flash and is always giving her money and throwing it around. We are not rich , we are ok. But Im good at managing money, both in the business and at home.

My kids go to the local school, whereas Helen’s schooling cost nearly £200k in today’s money. Of course I only paid the fees after we were married, he paid it for years alone.

We supported her through university - paid all her living costs and her tuition fees, she had no student loan . This is actually a huge bone of contention as she dropped out but didn’t tell us and took the money (more than £20k ) from us for a whole year. She just pretended that she was still doing her course.

Helen will never ever fall out with her father and turn her back on what she thinks is hers rightfully. She’s already been round our house and told him what items she wants. To be clear, these are in the house that we bought after we were married, with my equity as a deposit, I’ve always worked to pay of the mortgage and all the items in it are jointly owned.

Yes she lived here in the past but it’s no more her stuff that it is the other kids.

I can’t tell you how important money is to her. She will soon inherit everything from her wealthy grandparents on her mother’s side ( they are late 80s) . They will leave some to their only child ( her mother ) but mostly to her as their only grandchild.

We have already given her £10,000 towards this wedding. She has invited not one single relative our side. There’s only her mother on her side as the rest of mother’s family live abroad. So Helen is having a total of 6 family members at this 80 guest wedding ( well 2 or 3 now ).

I don’t know if this is her choice as her partner is very very controlling. That’s one of the things that DH is unhappy about and on this I agree with him. But of course I’ve never said anything - Helen is in her 30s and old enough to make her own decisions.

And yes I get the irony of him abusing me while being concerned that his daughter is being abused or manipulated by her partner. Of course he thinks that his behaviour is justified.

I can completely understand why Helen isn’t close to you or her half siblings of her father had been shit stirring for years.

You say there is nothing new apart from the announcement so this wedding talk may have caused the subject of money for the wedding to come up and your husband has said I would pay for it/ give you money but R won’t let me and has had threatened divorce and taking the other DC away.

You need to bring this out in the open and I think the idea of recording your husband talking or even getting texts from him when he is away or at work (so you have proof it wasn’t you sending them on his phone and I would get one of your dc to phone him around the same time as further proof he has his phone.

This will come out sooner or later and you need to make sure you aren’t the villain of the piece.

Reading your post makes me so sad for you OP. However I wouldn't be 100% certain she doesn't know its her dad rather than you and is perhaps burying her head in the sand a bit. I say this because for years now my mum has been passive aggressive in her many complaints about my life, and always starts her latest criticism with "I spoke to XX the other day and they said YY about you" - its never someone else, its just her but she doesn't have the balls to say it to my face. I realised this a few years back... It might be easier for her to accept the narrative that her step mum hates her especially if your relationship has always been fraught

But your whole marriage sounds just toxic, and could also be damaging to your teens. If life's taught me anything over the past few years its that we get one shot, and we absolutely have to live our best life while we have it x

Have you spoken to a lawyer OP?

You need to look at what rights you have to keep the house (at least until the kids are 18), get half the business etc.

They're both abusive. You're being gaslit.
Surely she knows how he treated her mum or could ask?
I would kick him the hell out and totally end all contact with her, she is no longer your problem.

What did he do when she was physically abusive to you? Did he intervene or punish her?
It sounds like you've been in an abusive relationship with the pair of them for years. And if this is what he has told her, what will he tell your actual DC's to get them on his side? Because he sounds like a master manipulator.

I would immediately seek legal advice and ask for supervised contact outside of the home.

I’d agree with this. If your step daughter repeats the lies about you that she’s been fed to your children, they need to know that it’s not true and that you’re not some sort of closet homophobe. Lance the boil before it festers

That’s ok, my kids know for sure that’s not an issue. They have heard me calling him out for his comments and they have started to do the same “ dad you can’t say that, it’s offensive “ kind of thing.

One of the other teens thinks that they are gay, maybe bi, they are not sure. And of course they haven’t told their father because of his attitude.

All John’s extended family ( siblings and their partners and probably their adult kids ) know that he has an issue with homosexuality , it’s not a secret in the wider family. But he’s from a very conservative religious background where these things are at best tolerated. There’s no outright condemnation, more just politely not mentioning things.

I suspect it’s also tied up with the fact that Helen’s had a lot of disastrous relationships in the past and so everyone is a bit about her dramas.

She’s not close to her cousins as they find her a bit me me me. She doesn't send cards / gifts for their weddings /babies etc but she will no doubt complain loudly of homophobia if they don’t send her a wedding gift.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. I disagree with those who recommend sending your step-daughter a link to this website. You need privacy for when to vent and be confident that your account is uncompromised. What I agree with though is copying and pasting what you have written here but of course directly addressing your step-daughter. She's an adult now and should be able to handle the truth. Then leave it in her court and let it be.

As for the booked holiday, I would certainly go and have a good time - minus the hassle of being at the wedding. Let your husband and children go and book yourself a spa day somewhere to take your mind off things. I think it's very important for your children to see how you handle difficult situations because it will help them going forward in relating with their step-sister. I know this because my mother had to deal with difficult baby mamas and step children but somehow always dealt with them with pure grace (at least that's what we saw and remember and try to exemplify to others now that we are old enough dealing with life's dramas).

Alternatively, depending on how your children take it, stay home and let your husband take the children with him to the wedding. Have a great time by yourself and plan your exit from both your husband and step-daughter's life. Life's too short to be treated this way.

I don't think being uninvited to a wedding is the issue here.

It's appalling behaviour from your husband.

I'd be using that week you have booked off to be moving out.