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My DF called me to advise me against getting married

(319 Posts)
Fressia123 Thu 21-Jan-21 16:26:39

As per title, my DF says that money changes everything and since there's no separation of assets in the UK I simply shouldn't get married. (The wedding is in April). Not completely unexpected but still a bit but that he actually said that.

OP’s posts: |
AnneLovesGilbert Thu 21-Jan-21 16:28:09

Why doesn’t he like your intended?

BuffaloCauliflower Thu 21-Jan-21 16:28:54

Are you going into the marriage with lots of assets?

PersonaNonGarter Thu 21-Jan-21 16:30:20

He’s right about assets. He might be wrong about the wedding, difficult to know without context.

Fressia123 Thu 21-Jan-21 16:34:50

I do. I own a flat, half my parents house, the family business and the family ranch. The flat is solely mine, some stuff is my name (for tax reasons). It's not THAT much, but of you add it all up it's worth maybe £1.5 million? Of that £300k are mine and then the rest is half mine and half my sister's. He also claimed that I'll eventually I'll probably get on with my career and have a decent salary, etc.... obviously al of that is before sales tax. As far as I understand it because it's been mine for many years and 15+ years before marriage they wouldn't be taken into account. They're also abroad and as long as we don't get married there, he has no claim to my assets, but only one they I could sell them, etc...

OP’s posts: |
Nomoreporridge Thu 21-Jan-21 16:42:00

Not clear about your specific circumstances, but your DF has a point.
When you get divorced, everything you own individually is considered part of the marriage pot. However, in reality, if you don’t have kids and the marriage is short, then people tend to leave the marriage with what they come in with.
The big fly in the ointment is if you have kids. If you have assets and your husband has none, you’ll be the one stumping up the cash to buy him a place where he can house the kids - even if they spend most of the time with you.
It’s ok to get married in England, just don’t get divorced there!

Fressia123 Thu 21-Jan-21 16:45:34

I obviously don't think we'll get divorced, but I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money, so to speak.

OP’s posts: |
Nomoreporridge Thu 21-Jan-21 16:45:48

@Fressia123 just read your update. You need to take legal advice on this.
You may be hurt by your dad’s remarks, but he is just looking out for you. 30-50% of marriages end in divorce.
If you get divorced, your chances of being rinsed are very high.

Iwillnotbemoved Thu 21-Jan-21 16:47:48

but I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money, so to speak.

So said every woman prior to being taken for a ride. Your DF is right.

ComtesseDeSpair Thu 21-Jan-21 16:50:54

Fressia123

I obviously don't think we'll get divorced, but I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money, so to speak.

Everybody thinks this; until they don’t. By the time a relationship reaches a point where divorce is on the cards, there’s likely to be a lot of bitterness, hate, anger and spite. You can’t trust that the lovely person you want to marry now, will be the same lovely person when they no longer want to be married to you.

Unless there’s a backstory with your family being unreasonable and a big toxic, it sounds like they’re just concerned for you and don’t want you to sleepwalk into a situation where you stand a lot to lose, because you have a rosy idea that love conquers all. Particularly if you own a share of their house which could also potentially be seen as a marital asset!

Fressia123 Thu 21-Jan-21 16:51:53

My lawyer on my home country said no marriage here, no claim at all pretty much. Do as long as I dont sell anything we'd be ok.

OP’s posts: |
StiffyByng1 Thu 21-Jan-21 16:52:06

It is wholly naïve to think he’ll respect your money.

Nomoreporridge Thu 21-Jan-21 16:52:26

@Fressia123 I totally appreciate your situation- chances are you won’t get divorced, and even if you did, there are decent men out there and he may respect it. But getting married puts you in a tricky position.
I say this as someone who recently divorced from someone I thought would never go after my finances...and guess what?
I think the current laws around divorce are ridiculous and I feel duty bound to warn people about it!
Spend some money on a consultation with a good family lawyer. If only to put your mid at rest before you get married

Ukholidaysaregreat Thu 21-Jan-21 16:55:25

It would be fine to openly seek legal advice hopefully without hurting your partner's feelings before you get hitched. My DGF said that to my DM on her wedding day. 'You don't have to go through with it' DM and DDad have been happily married for 51 years now.

Nomoreporridge Thu 21-Jan-21 16:55:42

Also - it’s not about where you marry, but where you get divorced. If you live in England, your husband ( or you) can petition for divorce in an English court.

cheeseismydownfall Thu 21-Jan-21 16:55:52

It's not THAT much

It is more money than some people will see in their lifetime, so I'd suggest that you are more tactful in your wording.

I think your dad is simply being realistic. I'm not clear from your OP where you currently live (I assume your family is in the US, but you are living in the UK), but you have significant assets and I think you would be very ill advised to enter the legal contract of marriage without fully understanding the legal implications.

Moondust001 Thu 21-Jan-21 16:56:17

Fressia123

I obviously don't think we'll get divorced, but I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money, so to speak.

Nobody knows the person they are divorcing! You know the one you are marrying (hopefully).

Serendipity79 Thu 21-Jan-21 17:00:35

I married someone who I thought would never take me for a ride, but I'm now battling him in court to keep mine and my kids house that I bought with money I had before I met and married him.

Your DF is giving you sound advice. Many people take assets into a marriage not considering they may have to give half (sometimes more) away in a divorce.

NavyFlask Thu 21-Jan-21 17:00:42

You've both already left one long-term relationship. It seems hopelessly naive to think that could never happen again.

The family ranch/business is presumably still owned by your living parents, rather than part of your assets.
If you died are you happy for your estate to go to your step children as well as your own birth children?
There are many things to consider here.

Fressia123 Thu 21-Jan-21 17:02:23

Well I might no him divorcing me, but we met while his divorce was pending. They had no assets, but he acknowledged their joint debt and took more than his share (and didn't have to). The legal advice that I got when I inherited the flat was simply that as long as we didn't validate the marriage all properties where safe.

OP’s posts: |
theemmadilemma Thu 21-Jan-21 17:02:32

Iwillnotbemoved

*but I know him and I'll know he'll at least respect my money, so to speak.*

So said every woman prior to being taken for a ride. Your DF is right.

I want to say this is true. But my ex husband actually did.

I had a living together agreement with him prior to marriage that covered that part of things. It became null and void on our marriage however the basis of that was still adhered to in the divorce - without any need for pressure from me.

Whatsnewpussyhat Thu 21-Jan-21 17:02:48

Your parents put assets in your name to avoid tax. That's their issue they gave away half their house and business.

But if your DP decides to divorce you in a few years it could cost you half if your share of everything. Potentially even selling your family home etc.
Also, if you die there is nothing stopping stopping him forcing them to sell up and pay him 'your' share.

Is he wealthy is his own right? What assets is he bringing into this marriage?

Your dad is correct. Money changes everything.

AuntyPasta Thu 21-Jan-21 17:03:52

Have you had legal advice in the U.K. - as you’re marrying here? If not, you need to do so ASAP.

Fressia123 Thu 21-Jan-21 17:05:48

The ranch and family business are legally owned by me. The property/ inheritance law is different there. If I die (and there's no will) it would go to my children. I've always had a will anyways and it reverts to my parents, then my children my sister being the executor.

OP’s posts: |
Aquamarine1029 Thu 21-Jan-21 17:06:17

I think you really need to listen to your father and consult with a solicitor. Failure rates for second marriages are even worse than first marriages, and as for you believing your partner wouldn't go after your money if you do split, come on now. Don't be so naive.

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