DH had lunch with another woman

(1000 Posts)
pizzaandcats Fri 11-Dec-20 20:19:36

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP’s posts: |
Weenurse Fri 11-Dec-20 20:24:30

I would also be suspicious, but my DH gets on much better with women rather than men, so most of his work friends are women.
My DH also always tell me in advance if he is lunching with one of his women friends, so the lack of mention prior to meeting would tingle my spidey sense.

TheSockMonster Fri 11-Dec-20 20:27:00

The lunch and present wouldn’t necessarily ring alarm bells if it was consistent with their normal working relationship.

The evasiveness and evolving story would worry me.

VivaMiltonKeynes Fri 11-Dec-20 20:27:05

so what did he buy her ? He is lying by omission - many men do this .

Plastichearts Fri 11-Dec-20 20:27:54

Definitely suspect.

What presents did they buy each other?

pizzaandcats Fri 11-Dec-20 20:34:49

He hasn't opened the present she got him yet and he said he bought her a 2021 diary. It's just all so weird, we both work from home and chat about general life so I don't know how he chose his secret santa, thought about a present, ordered it, wrapped it and I had no idea who he chose and what he bought! I'd actually forgotten all about his secret santa and his "team" meal up until he said he was setting off today.
We've been together 8 years and married 4 and he has never ever given me reason to suspect him of anything but I do still have a lingering suspicious mind from my serial cheat boyfriend before him (my only other relationship)

OP’s posts: |
Kimster7 Fri 11-Dec-20 20:41:41

For now it would be benefit of doubt for me but id keep an eye on it.


AnnnaBananna Fri 11-Dec-20 20:44:19

I couldn’t get worked up about this. He hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Lots of people have lunch with a friend and exchange small gifts. Just keep an eye out for any suspicious behaviour.

Elfieishere Fri 11-Dec-20 20:51:41

You don’t chose someone in secret Santa. He couldn’t actually pick her.

It’s normally all names in a hat and you pick one out?

pizzaandcats Fri 11-Dec-20 20:55:25

@Elfieishere I know, I mean they have basically picked each other out of a hat (although I think they actually used an app as they're all working from home). I just think its an amazing coincidence that they randomly ended up with each other and also ended up being the only ones at a team meal

OP’s posts: |
LadyCatStark Fri 11-Dec-20 20:58:31

If the whole team are WFH, I doubt very much that his work has authorised a team meal out! Sorry but this is nothing but suspicious.

Elfieishere Fri 11-Dec-20 20:59:20

I think it’s odd them being the only ones at the meal... did others turn up and have a drink and then leave and not order food?

I do tons of ordering, wrapping, coffee trips out and meet people and never mention it to my partner though so buying a diary and wrapping it I wouldn’t worry about. It doesn’t sound like a very personal gift ... unless he’s lying about what he purchased her ?

I’d keep an eye on it.

Elfieishere Fri 11-Dec-20 21:00:36


If the whole team are WFH, I doubt very much that his work has authorised a team meal out! Sorry but this is nothing but suspicious.

Work don’t need to authorise anything.

Iv met up with a group of work mates to exchange gifts. Work can’t tell us what we can and can’t do.

ukgift2016 Fri 11-Dec-20 21:01:05

Well it's not a coincidence is it!

Listen to your gut and keep your eye on this 'friendship'

vanillandhoney Fri 11-Dec-20 21:04:14


If the whole team are WFH, I doubt very much that his work has authorised a team meal out! Sorry but this is nothing but suspicious.

Work don't need to authorise anything. People are free to do what they want outside of working hours.

Standrewsschool Fri 11-Dec-20 21:07:47


I couldn’t get worked up about this. He hasn’t actually done anything wrong. Lots of people have lunch with a friend and exchange small gifts. Just keep an eye out for any suspicious behaviour.


It could be a total coincidence that he and A got each other’s gifts, and maybe totally innocent that there was only the two of them at the meal. Maybe others were due to go, but didn’t due to various reasons.

No need to worry yet, but be alert to anything suspicious.

DishRanAwayWithTheSpoonon Fri 11-Dec-20 21:24:21

They got each other gifts? They went for dinner just them? If it only ended up being the 2 of them would you not just cancel?

It all sounds a bit coincidental to me. Its not the actual going for dinner but it just all sounds a bit fishy

TinySongstress Fri 11-Dec-20 21:26:14

100% I would want to know what is in the present she got him.

Perfect28 Fri 11-Dec-20 21:29:16

How, with covid rules, was he meeting anyone for a meal at all? I assume you live in Cornwall yes?

Cuddling57 Fri 11-Dec-20 21:31:54

I'd be opening the present she got him the rewrapping it!
I'd probably confess to him after though!
Yes that's me!

Yorkshirehillbilly Fri 11-Dec-20 21:33:19

Its not that odd only 2 stayed for meal given Covid. Any other year it would be but most people arent mixing with other households. If it had been a guy and only two of them had eaten you would have put that down to covid rules and thought no more of it. Hes not trying to hide it. Maybe she lives alone and he was just being kind. My sister has been wfh and lives alone and she's had a really tough year because everyone she knows has a support bubble already and she doesnt live near any family so she has really appreciated those people who reach out and check up on her - or who will sit in a freezing beer garden and have a drink with her.

Tistheseason17 Fri 11-Dec-20 21:33:42

Most work Xmas lunches are virtual. So, yes, this is odd. His secrecy is a bit off. My DH would have def asked me to help him buy a present for female colleague - just as normal to talk about it.

JurassicParkAha Fri 11-Dec-20 21:38:06

Why did he not just tell you - the vague evasiveness is what would bother me.

Did he think you'd have a bad reaction to their friendship/or him going out just with her? Not an excuse for him, but I had an ex who just wanted an easy life, and would avoid telling me anything he thought would be remotely contentious, or generate questions. Could this be him?

Also, why has he not opened her present yet?! That's very odd - is he not going to open it in front of you?

Nothing you can do atm, but keep an eye out. The hiding/vagueness would bother me.

Simplyunacceptable Fri 11-Dec-20 21:43:45

Unless you’re in another country or in a tier 1 area they shouldn’t have met for a meal at all... I know it’s weird because they can sit in an office all day together but can’t then go for a meal but there you go, them’s the rules.

It would be a huge coincidence to choose each other although not unheard of. I’d feel weird if my DH went for a meal with a female colleague too. I suppose he told you about it so he didn’t try to hide it, that’s something.

Simplyunacceptable Fri 11-Dec-20 21:45:25

Also doesn’t like he was vague about it really, he said it ended up just being them two. At least he told you, he could have easily lied and got away with it.

This thread is not accepting new messages.