DH had lunch with another woman

[pizzaandcats]

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Hi op,


Sorry you're going through this. Second guessing the person you're supposed to be able to trust is absolute hell.

However if I went out for lunch with a male colleague and exchanged gifts I would be pretty surprised to get an email from the wife asking me about it. I would respond kindly as she did and try to reassure you. The dialogue between them looks legit to me too.

If the wife then went on to contact my boyfriend and potentially cause trouble there I would be completely furious.

If it is all innocent or even if it is innocent on her part you have no right to be interfering in her relationship.

I can't comment on your husband's intentions here. I would be very unsettled by the lies he told. You know him, nobody here does (anyone who is staying their opinions as fact is projecting based on their own experiences and should be ignored) so my advice would be to give it some time and see how you feel.

[Onthedunes]

@Heisstillnotdivorced

Are you not projecting your own feelings about being contacted by the wife?

[Givemetomorrowsjam]

@Onthedunes I said "if I experienced this I would feel like this"

I did not say "she will feel like this"

[Givemetomorrowsjam]

@onthedunes I namechanged in between those posts

[Onthedunes]

@Heisstillnotdivorced. ok

@Givemetomorrowsjam. ok

[Onthedunes]

@Heisstillnotdivorced

So because you feel like this means you are entitled to tell the op to ignor all other posters.

[2LittleSpeckledFrogs]

Personally, I don't think it's scripted. But only the DP of hers could confirm.

[Onthedunes]

@Heisstillnotdivorced

Personally I would not be furious if the wife of a colleague who I had been for a 1 on 1 dinner with me, and accepted meaningful gifts from, contacted me.

In fact I would be very happy to put her mind at ease and state my case that it was entirely innocent.
Wouldn't bother me a bit.

[booboo24]

I think everyone slightly projects on these threads because we are all talking from relative experience I suppose, or how else can we give advice? I agree sometimes the posters will state 'fact' when in actual fact none of us really knows though.

[Nymeriastark1]

@Heisstillnotdivorced

"If the wife then went on to contact my boyfriend and potentially cause trouble there I would be completely furious."

At the husband I hope for lying about you and causing all the trouble in the first place.

[throughmylens]

I also don't think it's scripted.
But I think the most important question is if you believe that and if you can move forward? If you can't trust him anymore then I think your relationship will come to an end sooner or later.

[Onthedunes]

I would hate to think another woman thought I was having an affair with their husband.

I would actively want to put her mind at rest especially in circumstances such as these as it does seem highly suspect.

I would wager that the ow does not want anything to do with the wife in this situation.
Forget her talk to the ow's partner. Do not text, she may have access to his phone, talk.

[Givemetomorrowsjam]

[quote Onthedunes]@Heisstillnotdivorced

Personally I would not be furious if the wife of a colleague who I had been for a 1 on 1 dinner with me, and accepted meaningful gifts from, contacted me.

In fact I would be very happy to put her mind at ease and state my case that it was entirely innocent.
Wouldn't bother me a bit.[/quote]
No I wouldn't mind that either. But I would be furious if she contacted my husband and potentially sowed doubt.


Reverse all the roles and put yourself in the boyfriends shoes.
"I had a strange call out of the blue today. A man contacted me saying his wife and my husband claimed to have met for lunch but his wife lied about the details. I did meet his wife this morning before they went and I was aware of the friendship. But now I'm wondering if there is more to it if the husband is concerned."

[Givemetomorrowsjam]

@booboo24

I think everyone slightly projects on these threads because we are all talking from relative experience I suppose, or how else can we give advice? I agree sometimes the posters will state 'fact' when in actual fact none of us really knows though.

Yes this is what I meant. I possibly wasn't clear.

[Amotherlife]

You'll never find out from this thread what really happened. I wouldn't demean myself by asking the boyfriend though.

I think the lies are worrying, the way he didn't tell it straight from the start. Protecting your feelings isn't required unless he feels he's done something wrong - or unless you have told him he can't have female friends or you go off the deep end everytime he looks at another woman.

You want to believe him, but do you? Can you go on with the doubt?

I do think the fact you met very young is relevant, though I know you don't. People do change a lot from late teens to mid twenties. Personally I think late teens is way too early to meet a life partner ( it wasn't on my mind at all at that age) but it works for some people. However it's notable to me that many people on here complaining about their partners met them very young and have had little or no experience of previous relationships.

Most longer term couples I know - virtually every single couple I know and have known (I'm decades older than you) - did not meet in their teens. I can only think of 3 offhand.

[booboo24]

@givemetomorrowsjam I wasn't replying to your post in particular, I have only just seen it but I do agree with what you're saying.

[VeryOdd]

It seems the thread is divided over whether the email was scripted or not. Some people having affairs absolutely do turn into totally unrecognisable sociopaths capable of bizarrely well planned out methods of deception. However, I'm not entirely convinced this is the case right here with the email chain.

I would advise against contacting the BF. From your husband's poor lying capabilities he'll probably trip himself eventually if the email was scripted. Let him do the leg work for you, you'll come out looking like roses.

[pizzaandcats]

I won't be contacting her DP. I'm not bothered about looking crazy, I just need to believe he's learned his lesson and there are no more lies. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong but after a day off from reading the responses on here I am back to trusting my gut, its done me right so far and I fully believe that the conversation I read between the two of them was genuine. Only time will tell. Thanks all for giving me so much to think about but I'll be so relieved when thos thread is full!

[Flowersandthorns]

Let's

[Flowersandthorns]

make

[Flowersandthorns]

it

[Flowersandthorns]

full

[Flowersandthorns]

for

[Flowersandthorns]

you!