Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DH had lunch with another woman
999

pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Nymeriastark1 · 18/12/2020 09:35

The only person that can clear all this up is the boyfriend. It's understandable why you don't want to ask. It's embarrassing, even tho you're not the one who should be embarrassed. It's dragging more people into this mess.
If it is scripted and is an IF op (but I think it is), her and your husband are banking on you not asking her boyfriend. You not asking is their get out of jail free card.

Please
or
to access all these features

Gemma2019 · 18/12/2020 10:09

Ah OP that scripted exchange of emails would have me running for the hills. They have conspired against you to fabricate this ridiculous story. I know you want to believe him, and I certainly don't blame you, but this is a huge insult to your intelligence and you believing it is a green light for them to carry on as they were. It'll make their clandestine relationship even more exciting now, if anything.

Please
or
to access all these features

MadeForThis · 18/12/2020 10:14

She may not be interested in him. But he has lied and continued to lie in order to meet up with her.

Please
or
to access all these features

tiredofthisbsagain · 18/12/2020 10:16

OK I would agree but how is OP supposed to find out how to contact this BF? Social media? This all sounds so stressful for OP Flowers

Please
or
to access all these features

EpochTime · 18/12/2020 10:23

@pizzaandcats

I think the reason I didn't originally know about him meeting her DP was because he didn't tell me that he went to her house first until 2 days later. I am feeling pretty miserable again after seeing that pretty much all of you think their conversation was scripted. Maybe I'm being a mug. If I am they must be feeling very pleased with themselves at me believing them Sad

@pizzaandcats I really do hope that they didn't contrive this story because if they did, you're right - they will no doubt be experiencing a sense of smugness. These sorts of situations become almost like a game to betrayers who like the idea of some sort of illicit relationship: it makes them feel special.
I'm on the fence about her comment regarding your partner meeting hers. It's not the sort of thing I would have texted but I can see how someone might text that if they were innocent.
Please
or
to access all these features

booboo24 · 18/12/2020 10:24

I too have been lied to and cheated on, and gas lighted in the process. It left me very suspicious of EVERYTHING, to my detriment in future relationships. Whatever the outcome, don't turn into me by torturing yourself by digging so hard that you find evidence in everything he says and does. I agree, he has massively messed up, but if I were you I would explore the boyfriend question as it's easily done, and then I would put this to bed, one way or another. I don't think you'll truly rest now until you've asked that final question because so many posters have said they feel the email was scripted (I'm in 2 minds, at face value i was reassured for you, but listening to everyone else I'm now on the fence). Best of luck, I hope it turns out well for you both and that he's learned his lesson

Please
or
to access all these features

Hunnihun2 · 18/12/2020 10:28

@AluminumMonster

Another one that thinks you should ask the BF. I would tell your DH you're going to ask the BF, he should understand after all the lies. You need to know the full truth of this situation to move on. It's the not knowing, it would always be on the back of my mind.

If it is a lie then you can decide how to work through it, it doesn't mean the end of your marriage.

No don’t give DH heads up and then the gf has time to warn her bf!!
Please
or
to access all these features

MizMoonshine · 18/12/2020 10:37

If people really have you convinced it was fabricated, OP, just message the BF.

Hi BF,
Sorry to be messaging you. H said that he met you the other day, which GF backed up. Unfortunately, they both told me this after he had told me a number of lies surrounding his lunch with GF.
Could you just confirm that it has happened as they have told me it did?

Pizzaandcats

Please
or
to access all these features

Nymeriastark1 · 18/12/2020 11:01

@Hunnihun2 she'd have to have a pretty strange relationship with her boyfriend to convince him to go along with this.
"Hi love do me a favour if you get message from pizzaandcats asking if you met her husband when we went for lunch the other day, can you just say yes. Oh yea I went for lunch with him. He bought me feelings diary and necklace for Christmas. He tells me how amazing I am, and I regularly complain about you to him. Sorry I forgot to tell you. Thanks love."

Please
or
to access all these features

Hunnihun2 · 18/12/2020 11:04

[quote Nymeriastark1]@Hunnihun2 she'd have to have a pretty strange relationship with her boyfriend to convince him to go along with this.
"Hi love do me a favour if you get message from pizzaandcats asking if you met her husband when we went for lunch the other day, can you just say yes. Oh yea I went for lunch with him. He bought me feelings diary and necklace for Christmas. He tells me how amazing I am, and I regularly complain about you to him. Sorry I forgot to tell you. Thanks love." [/quote]
Absolutely she would. Maybe she would have tell some half hearted “truth” like OPs husband though.... anyway it was just my take.

Please
or
to access all these features

Nymeriastark1 · 18/12/2020 11:06

@Hunnihun2 yea she may well be going through the same thing with her boyfriend due to all the deception. But I do agree with you on not telling the husband. If the op is going to ask she just needs to do it without telling her husband.

Please
or
to access all these features

C0NNIE · 18/12/2020 11:15

She has time to tell her partner

“If my colleagues wife phones you, can you just say you met him before I went off to the Christmas lunch with him and our whole team ? She’s recovering from serious mental illness and she’s still totally paranoid - she accuses him of sleeping with every woman in our office.

“He’s so worried about her and doesn’t want to upset her but she imagines things all the time. If she leaves him again he will never see his kids and it would destroy him , so I really want to help. He’s such a great father and does everything for these kids, they would be lost without him”

Or “ If she gets ill again they will put her back in hospital and that will destroy those kids Christmas “

Or “ he’s scared of her, she attacked him with a knife, he’s a victim of domestic violence. But he doesn't want to leave because of those precious kids”.

Please
or
to access all these features

BigFatLiar · 18/12/2020 11:20

The issue is a bit like a sore, the more you pick at it the worse it'll get. If you want it to heal you need to let it scab over and heal in time. If you keep picking it won't heal.

Please
or
to access all these features

booboo24 · 18/12/2020 11:37

Agreed @BigFatLiar you've said in one sentence what I took an essay to say!

Please
or
to access all these features

Cantpickausername5 · 18/12/2020 11:39

Oh god please don't contact her partner. If it turns out this is all true, the two of them will spend their days talking about poor Mr pizzas lunatic wife. No wonder he had to lie, God the poor man he must be suffocating from her. Imagine not being able to meet your friend for lunch!! The fact that he lied to you will not even come into the conversation because they will not and do not know the context and extent of it. It will be all office gossip and let's help poor long suffering Mr pizza

You have two options, either accept the fact you can't move past this and prepare to end the relationship or start to build back the trust between the two of you but be aware you will have a weary eye on this for a long time to come.

Please
or
to access all these features

YoniAndGuy · 18/12/2020 11:48

You are not a mug.

Nobody really knows what's going on here... only them.

Once someone has lied - and you know they can and will lie - then all bets are off. This is where it leaves you - with everything up in the air.

The replies on here reflect the fact that a lot of people on here will have seen many, MANY threads EXACTLY like yours. Loyal partner. No problems. Not a 'player'. Butter wouldn't melt. And all of them end the same way pretty much. In fact I cannot really think of any times when a woman has been concerned enough to post asking for advice and it's turned out that her partner wasn't up to anything dodgy. Single figures for sure within HUNDREDS of threads.

So that's the reason for the slant on here. I would bet my life they're having a 'thing' , whatever it consists of - it's not some accidental crossed wires bullshit - and I would also bet that yes that reply is scripted and they've got together to get their story straight. It's textbook.

BUT NONE OF US CAN KNOW. And that's why you are not a mug. When it's your previous apparently loyal partner it's so hard to believe. Not so hard for posters who have literally seen this play out a hundred times. But hard for you.

You are not a mug.

Please
or
to access all these features

IJustWantSomeBees · 18/12/2020 11:49

Cantpickausername5 if he is having an affair who cares whether his office chums think the OP is a 'lunatic'? OP knowing the true state of her marriage is more important than trying to save face with random office workers.

Please
or
to access all these features

soonm · 18/12/2020 11:54

@IJustWantSomeBees

Cantpickausername5 if he is having an affair who cares whether his office chums think the OP is a 'lunatic'? OP knowing the true state of her marriage is more important than trying to save face with random office workers.

I agree, but it's just so horrible to be slandered. Some men appear to be capable of being sweetness and light to your face then behind your back they're saying all sorts - just to get in with another woman they fancy. And you don't ever know for sure quite what they've said to others. You just have to surmise based on those strange little looks acquaintances give you when you bump into them, or when he fails to introduce you to someone from his circle when you're standing right there with him. Logically, we shouldn't care what strangers think of us but in practice, most of us don't want people to think wrongly of us.
Please
or
to access all these features

Drinkingallthewine · 18/12/2020 12:11

I don't think that you'll ever fully know what went on. It's likely you caught it at flirtation stage, maybe there was a brief hookup back around the time of the deleted correspondence and he was angling for a repeat performance and she was putting it down to a drunken once off. You'll never know, because you know he lies. And when you mull over the convenience of him only remembering meeting the boyfriend after days of you being upset and only when prompted by her, it won't really fit.

But here's what I do know. Things will be lovely for a while and you'll have a lovely Christmas. You may even want to resume ttc. But I would suggest you give yourself a little time to chew on this - not saying you should prepare to leave, only put off ttc say, 6 months to adjust to this properly. It may be that when the dust settles and you've both moved on, that the times he goes out of the house, you get that little brain niggle. That urge to check up on him. Living with that can be soul destroying and draining and usually lasts for years. Add into it when you get pregnant /post partum and are feeling bleugh, or very vulnerable that you want someone who worships at your feet, not someone who got their head turned so easily by a colleague.
And remember, even if you do decide to stay, but it turns out down the line you regret that decision, you can always change your mind. You can forgive behaviour but still decide to leave the person because of it. But I wouldn't recommend TTC until you are fully certain and you are at the point you know you don't sit wondering if he's really where he says he is or when you don't feel the need to check up on him.

Please
or
to access all these features

Cantpickausername5 · 18/12/2020 12:12

@IJustWantSomeBees

Cantpickausername5 if he is having an affair who cares whether his office chums think the OP is a 'lunatic'? OP knowing the true state of her marriage is more important than trying to save face with random office workers.

Because if the op wants to work on this relationship and not end it. Mr pizza has to go to work everyday there. Now obviously both him and ow are friendly with other people at this company. If she starts telling this to other coworkers, all they are going to hear is that it was an innocent lunch between friends and mr pizza had to lie about it. Now imagine that she contacts the boyfriend, now she is in stalker territory in their eyes. Imagine Mr pizza hearing comments everyday like, oh I couldn't be with some like that, I couldn't be with some one who doesn't trust me, you don't deserve this.... Eventually he might believe it. She needs to either end it or trust him. Who wants to be the crazy wife. The source of endless gossip. I mean you might be fine with it personally as you'll hardly see them but imagine having to work there everyday. Look maybe she will be fine with it, but I know I go out for events with my husbands work crew and I'd be mortified at thinking I was be talked about like that. Maybe just me though
Please
or
to access all these features

Clementine183 · 18/12/2020 12:12

@Cantpickausername5 totally agree. For what it's worth I think the conversation was genuine rather than scripted but none of us really know. OP the reality is that either you decide to try and move on and trust him at this point or you don't. Trying to contact this girl's boyfriend out of the blue is a bit deranged in my opinion and very unfair on her if the conversation is genuine (as the messages would indicate she doesn't fancy your DP at all and in fact is pretty embarrassed by the suggestion that something might be going on). You've made your position really clear to him, if he oversteps the line again I'm guessing there'll be no second chances. I would take a "wait and see" approach here and see how it goes and how you feel once the dust has settled a bit.

Please
or
to access all these features

IJustWantSomeBees · 18/12/2020 12:21

Cantpickausername5 If they decide to work on their marriage then OP's DH would be doing nothing other than sticking up for his wife at work and admitting that none of this would have happened if he hadn't been lying and deceiving her. If he is so weak minded that he chooses to leave his wife because of office gossip (caused by him) then he was never worth having. Stop with this 'crazy wife' trope, it sexist and unhelpful. OP will decide for herself whether she wants to contact the boyfriend for further verification or not and if she chooses to that's fine.

Please
or
to access all these features

Skittlebug · 18/12/2020 12:46

People in the office have probably noticed the overfamiliarity anyway and it's is a source for gossip already. I'd rather be a crazy wife who found out the truth than somebody played for a fool

Please
or
to access all these features

Onthedunes · 18/12/2020 13:06

Hi op I hope your ok.

I also hope your looking after youself, sleep wise and eating this kind of trauma, and it is trauma, takes it's toll on your body, one reason for putting TTC on hold as you need to be in the best possible health when conceiving.

As for going forward, I think I would ask for ow's husbands number, you could ask her for it, or your husband, see if it's freely given.
If not contact him via facebook, although she may have blocked you from his account.

If it were me, at your age before I had children I think I would have started actively looking for another partner, you now have no loyalty towards him and he doesn't deserve your loyalty.

For Mr Pizza who no doubt is reading this, congratulations for fucking your relationship up, you now can't trust your previously loyal and devoted wife.
You will have to make do with the kind of woman that strays behind their partners back, just like the one you picked.
Good luck with your shitty friend you deserve one another.

Op I wish you all the luck in the world finding someone with morals and boundaries who will fufill their husbandry, and fatherly duties better than the man you are with.

Your tonnes better than him, remember that!

Please
or
to access all these features

nolovelost · 18/12/2020 13:26

Do not alert DH or her if you're going to contact her boyfriend.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.