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DH had lunch with another woman
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pizzaandcats · 11/12/2020 20:19

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

OP's posts:
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NotaCoolMum · 12/12/2020 00:44

You do need to trust him but he needs to hold up his side of the trust by not giving you any reason to doubt

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MizMoonshine · 12/12/2020 00:47

You're showing a lot more restraint than I would.
I would wake him up and tell him to open his phone and show you their conversation. I'd want to see the context.

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1forAll74 · 12/12/2020 01:01

I think that lots of women get there knickers in a twist,if their partner goes for lunch with another woman from work, and they don't tell their partners much about it, as they know their partners will get all uptight about this. So best to keep quiet about it. I am not sure why so many women are snoopy and get so suspicious now.

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Bk21 · 12/12/2020 01:02

If there's was any chance of the gift being something to be suspicious about why would he bring it home knowing that you'd see it.

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Chloemol · 12/12/2020 01:07

I hardly think that if something was going on he would rock up with a Christmas present from her, or be honest about the fact it ended up just the two of them

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veeeeh · 12/12/2020 01:07

I have male friends and OH has female friends, both from work, we are (EARLY) retired now so it's good to catch up with the latest gossip from those still at the coalface. I have no issues at all with it, neither does OH.

But then again, if you are suspicious, it will never leave you until you find out exactly why they are meeting. Best of luck.

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Popcorntoes · 12/12/2020 01:14

Just to say OP - my work team is 6, we used the secret santa app and it specifically arranged us in pairs - I bought for Jill and she for me, Fred bought for Bob & vice versa, etc. We found out at the virtual party when we all opened our gifts and guessed who from.

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cali2000 · 12/12/2020 01:24

I would trust in your feelings. Personally, I would not be ok with any one-on-one in the future

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OldWomanSaysThis · 12/12/2020 01:28

He's lying - but about what exactly?
I'm thinking there is a mutual attraction - some flirtation - maybe they haven't even talked about it yet. That's my guess.
I would do options 3 and 4. Stop talking about it and start snooping about it.

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Namechange2020lalala · 12/12/2020 01:36

Don't do the pick me dance, I'd just say "it sounds like a date that you went on tbh, bit weird." If he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat, you'll find out one way or another Flowers

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tolerable · 12/12/2020 01:36

sp vague enough to infer disintrest...and ..blatent enough to arouse ...suspicion. go with your gut.if only 2 of them call ask if bill was added right?how many booked originally??

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Namechange2020lalala · 12/12/2020 01:37

Ask him if he fancies her

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Needsadvice197 · 12/12/2020 01:41

I’m not really sure what to think about this one, he told you that he had lunch with her which I’m assuming he wouldn’t need to as how would you find out? Lying about the secret Santa thing is odd admittedly. Does the present look like a book? Or something else. I can’t imagine a 2021 diary as a very exciting gift if they were having an affair if I’m honest.

Regardless of all that though, all of a sudden you’re feeling this way which could be either your intuition is telling you something is definitely happening or you’re feeling a little bit pushed aside because he’s giving another woman attention? You definitely need to speak to him about but you need to be very careful with how you say it. For example if you start accusing him outright he could prove he isn’t doing anything and it’ll damage the trust of the relationship or if he is doing something behind your back he’ll start to be a lot more cautious and take extra measures to find out.

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Thismustbelove · 12/12/2020 01:48

I think it sounds like they arranged to meet for lunch and the supposed gift exchange was a cover tbh. Maybe he did buy her a diary, maybe he didn’t. Maybe they both bought mundane gifts because it wasn’t about the gift exchange at all. The gifts are a red herring.

It seems strange to me that four adults would meet to walk around looking at city lights. Did the four of them intend to go for a drink? If three out of the four of them live locally in the meet up location, it is very bad form to disappear hone and leave the person who travelled to meet them. Surely they’d have made their excuses before he set off to meet them?

But covid and it’s restrictions make people make odd decisions and it would’ve be unheard of that the city was too busy to feel comfortable enough to stay.
It does not matter what anyone here says.
Listen to your gut, that won’t let you down.

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Vindo · 12/12/2020 02:01

I probably wouldn't worry too much yet, works Christmas lunches and secret Santa can end up being a bit awkward at times anyway. Even without covid restrictions in the mix.

I'd be keeping half an eye out for anything further for a while though.

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amisupposedtoeat · 12/12/2020 02:29

A walk around lights, lunch and gifts sounds like a date. You're being much more restrained than I would.

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Marmunia1975 · 12/12/2020 02:48

Definitely worth looking at further

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Undergrad20 · 12/12/2020 03:01

I would be upset if my partner randomly did a gift exchange with another woman (apart from if it was a lifelong friend etc). If he got a woman in a SS he would be asking me to shop for it too.

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LilyLongJohn · 12/12/2020 05:39

Don't you have to book for a meal nowadays? I've just booked a meal for myself, my friend and our dc and I had to book and pay £5 deposit.

Tbh it all sounds a bit too fishy, he's either up to something, or maybe he even has a crush and didn't want to tell you it was just them. All sounds a bit odd. Something isn't right.

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SparklingLime · 12/12/2020 06:01

To me this all fits the picture of an emotional affair.

I agree with you, OP, I doubt the contents of the present will throw much light. I doubt it’s silk boxers.

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SparklingLime · 12/12/2020 06:05

As in he hasn’t done anything physical so he doesn’t feel he has to hide it, thinks it can be portrayed as normal colleague interaction, but it’s dodgy as hell.

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SandysMam · 12/12/2020 06:27

My alarm bells went off when you said she came up to meet you when they were all out drunk pre-lockdown. Was she checking you out to see what her competition looked like?
Is she attractive OP? The type he might fancy?
This definitely sounds like a date, you are being way too understanding. I would ask to see the present, if it is really thoughtful then she is after him. I would also ask to read messages between them. If they have kisses etc or he has deleted them, again, you have your answer. Don’t feel you have to put up with this shit because you are in the TTC process and are worried you might end up motherless if you don’t go ahead. He has overstepped the mark with all of this, don’t let him gaslight you into feeling like you are the controlling one wanting answers. I have lots of male friends that there is nothing between. I am 100% honest with DH about our interactions and if they have partners I am very respectful of that, lots of “mate” in any messages and no kisses at the end.

If it looks like a duck....

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Weetabixandcrumpets · 12/12/2020 06:31

What is your gut instinct telling you? Listen to that.

Questioning him about the lunch is not going to help you. It sounds to me like he has deliberately given you the 'true' details to show him as open and honest. 'Yes, I went out with another woman for lunch and exchanged gifts but I am admitting that, so I am obviously innocent.'
Indeed he might be, or he may have been lying by omission and then deciding to 'tell' you later in case you found out.

Trouble is, unless you have footage from the restaurant and she has bought him a silk, love-heart cushion with 'I love you, Big Boy' on it you are not going to know.

It comes down to trust. For some reason you do not trust him and you might want to work out why and what you need to help you trust him again and work on that.

Or he might be a lying, cheating bastard, so stay very aware but don't let him know. They usually slip up.

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TeachesOfPeaches · 12/12/2020 06:38

Sounds like the local people popped in briefly to exchange presents (lots of people won't be arsed with Xmas meals). But your DH had to stay since he had travelled and the woman offered to stay also, which makes sense as they had each other for secret santa.

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BefuddledPerson · 12/12/2020 06:43

I think some people might duck out of a meal for covid reasons these days actually, especially if it is not allowed under your local area rules.

The present thing is odd, but he could have hidden this all very easily.

Could you say to him that you're worried it's inappropriate, would he be ok with that conversation? Or would he get huffy at the mere suggestion?

I am firmly on the fence!

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