DH had lunch with another woman

[pizzaandcats]

Today my DH had a day off work while I was at home working (he gets a day off in the week if he is scheduled to work a weekend). He told me a few days ago that he would going out for a meal with some old work friends today. He also mentioned a little while ago that they were planning a team secret santa but then hasn't mentioned this since to say who he chose or that he was buying the gift (stay with me this will all be relevant in the end).

When he got back from the meal today he had a wrapped up present from his secret santa and told me it was from "A" (a woman he works with). I asked who he'd picked and he'd also coincidentally chosen "A".

When I asked who was at the meal he said it just ended up being him and "A" but that he did see some other people from the team before hand (I don't understand how he saw them before hand at a restaurant but they didn't stay for the meal. I didn't ask though as I felt like I'd quizzed him enough at this point).

Basically I am feeling uncomfortable about the fact that he went out for a meal just him and another woman and exchanged christmas presents. I just feel like he's been pretty vague about how it ended up being just the two of them and its quite a coincidence that they both chose each other in a secret santa too. Is my mind running away with me too much or is the situation very weird?

I also had to ask today what he bought for her as his present and usually he would just tell me or ask my advice on what he should buy.

[BigBaublesGalore]

Seems very suspicious that the present was Purchased and wrapped without your knowledge... has he ever wrapped things for people (other than you) before without you knowing?

[BigBaublesGalore]

@BigBaublesGalore

A little nick of the taps with a sharp knife, have a peek and then reseal/lightly glue ;)

*tape

[changedmynameforChristmas]

OP tell him you are upset. Tell him your stomach is churning with the worry of what he might be doing. Tell him to open the bloody present and tell him to tell you to either stop worrying or that your mind is working overtime.

I would.

[pizzaandcats]

@alvinp thats exactly why I don't want to keep going on about it with him after our chat tonight. He has agreed to be more open with me too as he has seen what happens when he isn't although he says he just didn't think it was a big enough deal to tell me about until I asked. I still half feel like there's no problem but don't like that in all the time he shopped for and wrapped a present for her he didn't even mention it in passing. We're in lockdown and both WFH, there's been plenty of time to mention it in passing

[bluebell34567]

agree changedmynameforChristmas

[JurassicParkAha]

Don't snoop on his phone or amazon or open the present.

Just ask him why he hasn't opened the present yet. If he wants to wait for Xmas to open it, then just wait till then. As annoying as it may be. Because if you've gotten this wrong, accusing him, and spying will only make him clam up more/hide more in the future.

In the meantime just keep an eye out for if he's spending all his time on the phone messaging her AFTER work, or is making more regular plans to see her. If he's not doing any of that, it can't be an emotional affair or any cheating.

[LEELULUMPKIN]

It does sound shifty.

[nomorename]

Nope...Don't like this

Give him benefit of the doubt but keep an eye on it and trust your gut

[pizzaandcats]

I did tell him I'm upset and that I think most people would be wary given the "secret santa" comment and the odd circumstances surrounding the other two friends. He has apologised for being vague and given his reasons for saying it was secret santa. He's offered to be more open with these things but he still insists he doesn't think it was a big deal and I'm still left with some big doubt that his story is true

[howdoyouknow123]

Can you not just open the phone while putting it to his face while he's asleep and check it?

[pizzaandcats]

I'm going to ask him to open the present tomorrow. If he's genuine then surely he'll place putting my mind at ease above just wanting to wait until Christmas?

[pizzaandcats]

He would 100% wake up if I tried to put his phone in his face, he wakes up if I get up for a wee!

[greenspacesoverthere]

All of it is potentially plausible, but weirdly so, IYSWIM

[VanGoghsDog]

@LadyCatStark

If the whole team are WFH, I doubt very much that his work has authorised a team meal out! Sorry but this is nothing but suspicious.

Unless you're in tier one (basically the Isle of Wight) then you can only go out for meals with your household anyway. Unless you sit outside and then it's a max of six.

[NotaCoolMum]

@pizzaandcats

I'm going to ask him to open the present tomorrow. If he's genuine then surely he'll place putting my mind at ease above just wanting to wait until Christmas?

Absolutely agree! I’d be horrified if my DP was even slightly uneasy about a situation like this. I’d open the gift in front of him and I’d show him the diary Amazon confirmation email to ease his mind

[BackforGood]

You either trust him or you don't.

Pre-pandemic I would frequently have lunch with male colleagues or friends and I wouldn't bat an eyelid at my husband dining with female friends or colleagues. I trust him and he trusts me.

This ^

and what Whycantibetangy said on P4.

He had gone near to work, to meet 3 colleagues. Two changed their mind and didn't stay - I don't know what tier you are in, but I can understand that, when you actually realise you are sitting outside and it is cold and damp, it isn't as much fun as it sounded when you made the plan. Having got there, he was hungry and ate. He didn't come back and pretend to you they all ate, he answered your questions about what happened.

I wonder sometimes what has gone on in the lives of so many posters on MN that makes so many automatically assume everybody is having affairs

My dh told me earlier in the week he was nipping round to a colleague's house to drop her secret santa present off. I said "Okay, see you in a bit" and off he went, no drama.

[Blondiney]

Suspicious as hell, I'd hate it. I'm in no way a 'cool' woman though, so perhaps I'm out of touch?

[pizzaandcats]

Also don't know how to argue with the fact that I wouldn't have a problem with any of this if it had been a male colleague. He's right, I might be bemused at how they ended up alone but wouldn't be up worrying about it on mumsnet... also perfectly valid that I might plan to get a present for a colleague I'm friendly with but not every person in going for a meal with. DH would know I was doing this though which is the main difference here

[CorianderQueen]

I think you just need to sit down, spell out your fears and ask for a reasonable reason and explanation for the weird behaviour. You're married, you should be able to be honest to eaChother about your feelings. Good, bad and fearful.

[Blondiney]

@purplerainox

I once unlocked my own phone by holding up a photo of myself to the camera to see if it worked and it did

If you don't work for M15, you bloody should!

[CorianderQueen]

@pizzaandcats

Also don't know how to argue with the fact that I wouldn't have a problem with any of this if it had been a male colleague. He's right, I might be bemused at how they ended up alone but wouldn't be up worrying about it on mumsnet... also perfectly valid that I might plan to get a present for a colleague I'm friendly with but not every person in going for a meal with. DH would know I was doing this though which is the main difference here

Because unless your partner is Bi/gay you would know there wasn't a chance of anything purely because he doesn't swing that way.

[pizzaandcats]

@BackForGood if he'd said to me, off for a meal with A and to exchange presents, I'd have said yeah okay have fun. But he didn't and came back and told me a lie about the present for no apparent reason.

I didn't ask but I'm assuming that he ate indoors and so has broken the covid rules. That's a different issue altogether and not my focus tonight

[changedmynameforChristmas]

OP It is so simple to me. you are upset and worried. You need to know. He needs to be talking to you sooner rather than later to set your worried mind at rest.
This would not do for me at all. Wake him up and make him open the present and tell him why. I would.

[pizzaandcats]

@CorianderQueen yes but 8 years in and I've never had reason to think he'll cheat so it shouldn't really matter that its a female colleague. I need to trust him but he's made it difficult to with his approach to the whole thing

[WTF99]

Look....he bought a present for a female colleague when there was no need to do that and ended up on a 1 on 1 meal out with her. He wasnt open and honest with you about it. You have every right to feel unhappy about this and to tell him so