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Did your abuser ever say sorry?

(241 Posts)
Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 09:21:23

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

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BPSCSS Sun 01-Nov-20 09:48:05

Yes but I think it was not genuine. He was especially remorseful in court probably because his attack had crossed the custody threshold and he wanted to avoid prison, which he did.

something2say Sun 01-Nov-20 10:02:23

My abuser was my mother. She has never admitted it. It was 30 years ago now. We are not in contact. She says to my sister, who is in contact, that shes sorry my sister is still upset about it. So shifting the onus and wrongdoing onto my sister to avoid taking responsibility. My brother threatens both of us and tries to call us liars. I cut the lot of them off.

I'd say, dont expect your ex to admit it. Do expect to be accused of being the abuser. Just stay back from him and have all comms in writing. The truth usually outs, in time.

Porcupineinwaiting Sun 01-Nov-20 11:09:01

God yes. All the time. Then we had to forgive him and never mention the incident again. Rinse and repeat.

My father. Emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. But it took us the longest time to see it, that was our normal.

Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 12:13:39

It's a strange cycle. The refusal to admit responsibility then effectively turning it around and victim blaming. My ex punched me so hard in the face I had blood splattered up the wall of our former family home.. Now he's saying I did exactly the same thing to him.. The only person who witnessed the incident was our daughter so he can effectively say what he wants.. But the upshot is the police saw my injuries and saw he had one scratch on him where I defended myself and I admitted to that also.. He's not taken one shred of ownership. Even physically abusing our daughter where there's cold hard evidence of it.. He's saying he has no recollection of it.
Everything to not drop the facade. It's a very bizarre process.

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Porcupineinwaiting Sun 01-Nov-20 12:23:50

I think (and this is just my personal opinion, I'm no psychiatrist) that it's all to do with protecting their ego and sense of self. If they admitted to themselves what they'd done and what they were like and took responsibility it would literally break them. They are fundamentally very fucked up individuals with weak egos.

Whatisthisfuckery Sun 01-Nov-20 12:26:19

Yeah, he used to say sorry as long as I forgave him.Most of the time he said he didn’t know how it happened/didn’t remember it etc. Then when I said I was leaving it turned into ‘you made me do it because you...’ then after I left it was ‘you’re making it up/mental/but you did x to me.’

They only say sorry when there’s no consequences. When there are consequences you find out what the justifications are.

That didn't happen.

And if it did, it wasn't that bad.

And if it was, that's not a big deal.

And if it is, that's not my fault.

And if it was, I didn't mean it.

And if I did...

You deserved it.

LongWay833 Sun 01-Nov-20 12:29:38

No. And you have to stop wanting or expecting an apology. Even if they do apologise it's because they are trying to set you up in order to manipulate/abuse you again. It's the hardest thing I found, because it's letting go of the expectation or realisation that they are the same as you, that they care about you or love you in any way whatsoever. They don't, and it's always about them and protecting themselves... ....

He isn't like you. I'm sorry, it's bloody hard.

Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 12:57:37

Oh I'm definitely not under any illusions. I know I will never ever get a heartfelt and genuine apology. I know he will be the type to smirk at me in Court. I know if he's given contact he will think he's won.. It's all a huge game. Was just interested to see if anyone ever received a heartfelt apology. Abusers have a way of turning a particular incident around that's quite clearly their doing or fault and making you apologise. You're right.. They are very fucked up individuals. My exes dad was exactly the same as him.. He repeatedly raped his wife during their marriage also and still to this day has never been punished or admitted a single thing. My exes mum said back in those dads police didn't help you with domestic abuse and you were on your own.

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PizzzaExpressWoking Sun 01-Nov-20 12:58:37

Not a chance, but I got a formal apology from the Met Police.

Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 12:59:28

The only sorry I ever got was after his failed suicide attempt and the realisation we had gone for good.. He thought sorry could get me back.. Then couple of days later he tries getting me arrested for allegedly assaulting him.. The police told him to stop wasting their time and to leave us alone.

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Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 13:01:41

@PizzzaExpressWoking you know.. The officer who arrested him for punching me was so lovely.. He said people like me are the reason he wanted to work for the domestic abuse unit.. There was insufficient evidence to charge my ex as there was no witnesses and I was scared to press charges.. But the investigating officer apologised to me too and he said one day my ex will slip up and when that time comes he looks forward to making him squirm in an interview room.

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Juniperandrage Sun 01-Nov-20 13:01:48

Nope. They denied everything and said I was crazy/confused/doing it for attention

Eckhart Sun 01-Nov-20 13:02:22

No. Rationalised it all as 'sometimes that's the way things go'. Stunning thought process. I gave a shit, at the time.

Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 13:04:35

Now what I also want to know is.... How many of your abusers accused you of having mental health problems. My ex tells anyone who will listen that I have a personality disorder. He told me towards the end that my relationship with him would always be this awful unless I took steps to correct myself and seek help for my personality disorder.

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PanamaPattie Sun 01-Nov-20 13:18:00

Abusers don't apologise because in their minds it's your fault. You are fat/ugly/lazy/crazy/awful parent. If only you would change your personality, stop seeing your friends, stop seeing your family, give up your job and do everything to make them happy - then the abuse will stop. sad

Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 13:18:58

@PanamaPattie you're so so right with everything you just said. It's like a rewards system isn't it.

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ihatethecold Sun 01-Nov-20 13:34:38

I had a baby when I was 16 with my boyfriend, he starting hitting me when I was pregnant. I stayed with him for 5 years. it caused me so much damage. He never spoke about what he did.... no one did!

Im now mid 40's and in fantastic marriage....Mt ex died this year. we were still in contact because we have a child together. I wanted him to acknowledge what he did to me before he died but he became too ill.

ive made peace with it now because I still had choices and he lost all of his.... felt a bit like karma.

OhioOhioOhio Sun 01-Nov-20 13:36:32

Not a chance.

Eckhart Sun 01-Nov-20 13:41:36

How many of your abusers accused you of having mental health problems

Not in so many words. But got me to the point of being curled up in a corner, crying, then stood over me with folded arms and shaking head, slowly saying 'Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird...' Certainly made me feel like there was something wrong with my mental health at the time.

Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 13:44:05

@Eckhart oh my god my ex used to say I was weird all the time.. Even if it was something so simple. I'm weird apparently. It's a word they get off using I think.
Argh so much anger at these men.
@ihatethecold i am so glad you're happily married now. Can I ask.. How did you feel when you knew he died?

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DeKraai Sun 01-Nov-20 14:02:28

Mine was also my mother and
- yes to an apology, if "I'm sorry if I ever upset you" counts
- yes to saying I have mental health problems..which isn't untrue, but every therapist I've ever seen has been able to pinpoint the origin: her behaviour towards me (or lack of it).

I'd never take her to court and if the police had ever been involved, she'd have charmed them.

I had a psych referral (out patient) when I was late teens. Obviously all confidential..except she told me she knew the psychiatrist through her work. So I didn't tell him anything useful. She'd told me before that if I ever spoke to people about our home life ("lying about home" she called it) then she'd lose her job and I'd not be able to go to my (fee-paying) school anymore and we'd lose our home.

I did confront her with what she did before. SHOCKER she's actually the victim and I'm super horrible!

So many abusive people are good at being really nice to people outside the house. Charming even.

AthelstaneTheUndeady Sun 01-Nov-20 14:06:13


In fact, he used to email me constantly demanding I apologise to him, as his life was so much more difficult without me running around after him.

Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 14:11:12

@DeKraai I'm so sorry your mother didn't see you for the beautiful person you are. Are you still in contact with her? I look at my daughter and cannot fathom how her father wanted to abuse her.. She is just the kindest and most gentle little girl.. I took her to an indoor play centre this morning and I fell over and she reached out her hands to help me up.. She's 2 years old.. My heart broke. I just thought how could someone supposedly close to her want to treat her so appallingly.
Your mother didn't deserve you as her daughter x

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Pebbledashery Sun 01-Nov-20 14:12:56

@AthelstaneTheUndeady massively.. They get off on the fact that they make us beg and plead as well. Deep down I knew my ex never wanted to be with me.. But he didn't want me being with anyone else either.
Its funny when you get the strength to leave they come crawling back.

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