Did your abuser ever say sorry?

[Pebbledashery]

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

I got it again tonight. Another tirade about my abusive behaviour. Honestly doesn't upset me much now, but it used to.

[quote Pebbledashery]@MamaMoonbeam my god what an utter piece of work!!!!! But a bitter-sweet result for you..you must have secretly been thrilled. I would have been.
Is it OK to ask you why it took 6 years?, was he seeing the children in that time xx[/quote]
It took so long due to psychological reports needing to be done, supervised visits that were supposed to happen that he didn't organise, visitation centres he was supposed to book that he didn't... basically him dragging his feet!
He saw my DS maybe 2/3 times in that.

Accusing us of the abuse is a typical behaviour. I was accused of stealing money, isolating him and lying about his physical attacks on me. Such a douche!!

@Pebbledashery and we have heard nothing from him since the last hearing. Just shows how much he actually wanted to be part of his son's life!
He does plaster it all over Facebook in a "woe is me" manner, how much he misses his child and how much he wished he could see him and how he's missing him grow up etc, all without actually making any effort to see him, which is the best thing he's actually ever done, in his life!

No not once, abusers never apologise.

@MamaMoonbeam god what a waste of space. What contact did the court order in the end? Did the psychological reports confirm he had any mental health issues? I hope he stays out of yours and children's life forever. It's very clear their intentions and what they use the Court system for. X

@pebbledashery indirect contact twice a year, so letters/ cards/ gifts sent via an intermediary so he didn't get our address. He has sent absolutely nothing since the final hearing - no surprise (but definitely a relief!)!
The psych report said he has narcissistic personality disorder with histrionic tendencies and a negative viewpoint of women which would be elemental for my DS to be exposed to. Says it all really!

*detrimental not elemental 🙄

I think if I ever saw him, i might be at risk of trying to kill him, truly. Im lucky he lives over 6 hours away now, thank fork

@MamaMoonbeam do you know if I got that outcome.. That would be worth more than a million pounds to me because our daughter would be safe from him 😢. I hope you don't mind me asking this.. But did he subject your children to abuse as well as you? How old were your children at the time of the proceedings. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. It sounds like you got justice for your children xxxx

@MamaMoonbeam god I completely get how you feel. I really don't want to see my exes stupid disgusting face again. He's sick. Trying to make out he was scared for his life with me and I shouldn't be allowed to look after DD. What's funny is its been 5 months since he last saw her and on his court application he requested an urgent hearing saying DD is at risk of physical and emotional harm with me. If she was that at risk why has he waited 5 months to instruct solicitor to send some threatening letters then a request for an urgent hearing. His request wasn't granted I'm pleased to say. We have our FHDRA hearing in a few weeks though and I'm really praying he doesn't get interim contact x

@Pebbledashery I am so grateful of the court result. It's very rare that the family courts will refuse contact so this is the next best thing they can do.
My DS was 5 months old when I ran away from our situation. I left in the night with a bag packed. My dad picked us up and I went to the police a day or 2 later as he had beat me up the day i left (he was convicted of battery against me, I had to go to court for that too).
Court proceedings started the following year with DS at about 18 months and finally finished when DS was 7/8.
I fought as hard as I could to protect my DDS. It was exhausting, but I couldn't stop.
10 years after leaving that situation and finding an amazing man to be with I had a mental break. During the court process and beyond, I just held everything in to not feel it, to keep going and making sure my son was ok. As soon I was in a loving, caring relationship I broke. I attempted suicide a few times and now have to take medication. But I'm still here and am actually feeling really good about everything now.
Feel free to ask me anything you want about it xxx

@MamaMoonbeam oh my goodness. I'm so proud of you ❤️. You're so strong, I can't believe that you left in the middle of the night 😢.. But you did what a good mother would do and you put your child first and protected them, that's what the Courts saw and I hope they see that. You must've reached the point that I got to when I knew this was it. My ex punched me in the face in front of our daughter and strangled me whilst he was holding her with his other arm..After that I knew that was my time. I think leaving is easy it's staying away that's the hardest thing.. I've left him four times before but every time he convinced me to come back. You and I reached that point of no return. So glad your dad was there for you too. I'm just in disbelief that it took so many years! He doesn't deserve his child in his life. He'll have a safe and abuse free like with just you. How did you find CAFCASS through the process? Xx

@MamaMoonbeam I'm so sorry that you've had such a rough time since and you've found happiness but almost feel like you can't be happy. It's almost like we feel we don't deserve it. Abuse was normal in our lives. I accustomed myself to it and just learnt to accept this was my life. You sound like you have a wonderful partner in your life and I hope you do see that you truly deserve happiness. You're a wonderful person and mother and your son is growing up proud of you xx

@Pebbledashery yep, he beat me in front of our son who was in a door bouncer watching and balling his eyes out. That was it. They arty anything to get you back. Best thing to do is just get a new sim card and not pick up any of his messages.
All the people I had from CAFCAS were lovely and supportive of me and my son. I was lucky that the first CAFCAS lady actually met my ex and hated him so was a strong advocate against him and luckily the subsequent others also saw just how toxic he was. So I think I was very lucky with them

@MamaMoonbeam that's utterly horrific 😢. Thank god he didn't get direct contact with him. He can go to sleep at night knowing what a failure of a father he is. I'm a bit worried about my ex putting on this facade of being a doting father but he hates me with such a passion I don't see how he will be child focused at all. There's been evidence of his abuse of DD sent to social services and they were utterly horrified. The MARAC appointed SW absolutely detested him but then she put in her report that DD was very loved by both parents. I wanted to scream. He's just an Oscar winning actor honestly. I see straight through his crocodile tears and I hope the Courts do too.

@Pebbledashery thank you, but there's always that vicious little earworm, implanted by the abusive words, that tells me im not good enough, people don't like me, I'm stupid, I'm an awful person, I'm worthless, should be dead... the usual.
Staying alive is hard and I think about suicide every day, I am with the most wonderful person now, we are TTC. It would be magical to have a pregnancy where i wasn't beaten and wanting to die. DS is 11 and such a lovely boy. People tell me all the time how I have done a great job raising him (cue the earworm telling me they don't actually mean it..)

You've done the right thing leaving. Your DD doesn't want to have to live a life where abuse is the norm. You should be proud that you've taken steps to protect her. Stay strong mama. You are stronger than you think xxx

@Pebbledashery I was lucky, in a way, that the court proceedings went on so long as, in the end, it did break my ex and he couldn't keep the facade up any more. Actually he did have frequent outbursts in court as he was so mad things were going my way.
Oh! And he was also terrified of me because I was,apparently, ex SAS trained ... 🙄

@MamaMoonbeam I think anyone can tell you anything..but it's you that has to believe that you're enough and you're worthy of someone wonderful loving you. And I hope you do realise that xx I think you've done the most important thing a good mother will do and that's safeguarding your son. You've given him a decent chance in life. That's what I want to say to cafcass.. With me, my daughter will have an abuse free and happy and safe life. I want her to enjoy being a child and laugh and be carefree. Not to worry about mummy. My little girl is only 2, she's slept on the floor with me, she's slept on sofas with me, we've slept in hotels.. Just to escape his abuse.. She's wiped away my tears when I've been crying, she's helped me up when I've fallen, when I've been sad she went and got a blanket for me and put it around my shoulders and kissed my forehead and stroked my hair.. It utterly broke my heart because I don't want her to look after mummy I want her to know mummy is looking after her and I just want her to be happy and hearing her laughter is the most beautiful thing.x

I think any man can father a child but it takes a real and decent man to be a Dad x

[quote Pebbledashery]@Eckhart oh my god my ex used to say I was weird all the time.. Even if it was something so simple. I'm weird apparently. It's a word they get off using I think.
Argh so much anger at these men.
@ihatethecold i am so glad you're happily married now. Can I ask.. How did you feel when you knew he died?[/quote]
That's packed with quite a few things. That sounds like be was trying to convince you were somehow abnormal or mentally ill when you weren't. It happens sometimes when two people severely misunderstand each other, but in your case the motives were sinister.

Also, I've noticed that people who aren't particularly bright will say or feel this about other people a lot more than more intelligent people. They make a fuss out of the smallest anomaly, which usually involves laughing at something or giving you an unpleasant facial expression. It's not that you are eccentric in the grand scheme of things - it's that they are not intelligent enough to ascertain whether or not something is a threat to them. Difference makes them feel panicky, even if it's something minor. Imagine how monkeys might behave like when they see a little creature walking past they haven't seen before. They might start making loud noises to alert the group, start leaping from side to side and point at it. You get the picture.

They certainly aren't normal people. They are very very abnormal people. I just wonder what goes through their minds when they are beating us or verbally abusing us and our children.

Refused to admit it. To the extent that I had to pay for a psychological assessment to prove I wasn't making it up. He then assaulted me during court appointed contact time and denied it so hard that I nearly lost custody.

@copernicium oh my god that's absolutely awful 😔😔😔😔.. But I'm guessing the courts did believe you.. Tell me this monster is out of your childrens life now?

I just wonder what goes through their minds when they are beating us or verbally abusing us and our children

Key to my recovery was the recognition that if I could understand it, I would be abnormal myself. My very inability to get my head round it was proof that the behaviour was abnormal, and that I am not. Realising this stopped my ruminating on 'But why?' and 'How could a person DO that?'

Mine will never admit to having done anything wrong. He simply isn't capable of that, too much ego there (and I would say likely a narc, too).

So I clearly must be lying about rape and sexual abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse. He'll twist everything to find a way of blaming others, usually me, sometimes the DC.