Did your abuser ever say sorry?

[Pebbledashery]

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

Nope. He did knock on my door though, about a year after the relationship ended, to tell me he'd forgiven me for everything I'd done to make him act the way he did towards me. 🙄

@Pebbledashery its great that you had a good SW that listened to you! Mine pretty much just said she doesnt have an issue with his parenting only with me and him being together, and she was more against me for "failing to protect" and "letting it happen" . And yes he does have them over night but I have literally been avoiding him and making excuses as to why they can't go. Its literally just a waiting game now until he turns up and kicks off. Luckily I have a great police officer looking out for me. X

@firesong woooow my ex said that to me to. He's happier and a better person without me around. I have related to so much in this thread it has actually helped me so much as I'm coming to terms with it all. Thankyou everyone!

@AWaspOnAWindowReturns that was big of him lol. What a tw*t!

@PinkyX do you think he will ever initiate court proceedings? My ex is taking me to Court. My ex has a long history of abusive relationships so I know it's not isolated to just him and I being together. He abuses everyone, friends, family, work colleague, partners, his own daughter.. The SW told me had I not left when I did our daughter would've been removed from my care for failing to safeguard her... He's absolutely seething I've had the audacity to flee.. What do they expect. You should initiate court proceedings.. I really think you should speak to social services but get a different social worker.. The one you have has obviously fallen for his fake charm. Xx

I think we all need to see and hear that it's not us.. Its them. Abusers are very very very manipulative and sick people. They fool everyone, they are like chameleons. My ex told me towards the end his life was infinitely better without me and that he doesn't even miss or think about me.. So after I left him.. I get... You're my entire world you and DD are everything. I'm nothing without you I may as well be dead etc... Then he tries to commit suicide... And this is a person that could potentially have a 2 year old overnight????????!!!

@PinkyX that's the attitude I faced ... victim blaming at its best!

If i was ever to even try and take the kids away I dont even want to think about how he would react. He doesn't care about the law. See this is where things are different, he used to say things like "your my world i can't live without you" but now I just get "im doing great without you, your just a slag that nobody's ever going to want" then proceeds to sleep with all his ex's and friends and rubs it in my face. It scares me so much that these men have rights to innocent children. Im a grown ass woman and i cant cope, it has mentally ruined me, imagine what it would do to our children.

If i was ever to even try and take the kids away I dont even want to think about how he would react. He doesn't care about the law. See this is where things are different, he used to say things like "your my world i can't live without you" but now I just get "im doing great without you, your just a slag that nobody's ever going to want" then proceeds to sleep with all his ex's and friends and rubs it in my face. It scares me so much that these men have rights to innocent children. Im a grown ass woman and i cant cope, it has mentally ruined me, imagine what it would do to our children.

If i was ever to even try and take the kids away I dont even want to think about how he would react. He doesn't care about the law. See this is where things are different, he used to say things like "your my world i can't live without you" but now I just get "im doing great without you, your just a slag that nobody's ever going to want" then proceeds to sleep with all his ex's and friends and rubs it in my face. It scares me so much that these men have rights to innocent children. Im a grown ass woman and i cant cope, it has mentally ruined me, imagine what it would do to our children.

@PinkyX

I feel for you. It is hell.

I had 5 different SW in 3 years, each one needed several months to work out what was going on . He is so charming at first.

We ended up on PLO, they were considering care proceedings as I struggled to keep him away from us. This was the point at which he began denying the rape, after years of admitting them on record.

As a result he and I were subject to psychiatric assessments, and parenting assessments, with the whole family having psychological assessments, DC included.

Despite both the qualified Psychiatrist and psychologist stating that he was high risk, manipulative and shouldn't have unsupervised contact. There being evidence of the rape admissions and in my medical records. The parenting assessor who was supposed to make the final decision, decided that he was the victim and I was the narcissistic abuser. She said he needed to protect himself from me and that I had only attended 2.5 years of therapy to manipulate them (long before PLO).

That report made me suicidal. Seriously. It is so vile I can barely read it. But any time I feel him trying to manipulate me, I get it out and remind myself EXACTLY who he is and what he put his children through.

I was lucky that my SW saw him so PLO was dropped once I decided to follow the psychiatrist advice. It didn't stop the new SW pressuring me for 6m to allow contact. That stopped when I told then I would report them to the court as acting as his agent against the non nol order I had in place. I then withdrew my family from the CIN and as there is NO CHANCE he will ever be back near me, they closed the case.

I guess what I am saying is, it is hard. So hard. It broke me. But I needed that psychiatric report and tbh, I needed that parenting assessment for different reasons.

X

If i was ever to even try and take the kids away I dont even want to think about how he would react. He doesn't care about the law. See this is where things are different, he used to say things like "your my world i can't live without you" but now I just get "im doing great without you, your just a slag that nobody's ever going to want" then proceeds to sleep with all his ex's and friends and rubs it in my face. It scares me so much that these men have rights to innocent children. Im a grown ass woman and i cant cope, it has mentally ruined me, imagine what it would do to our children.

If i was ever to even try and take the kids away I dont even want to think about how he would react. He doesn't care about the law. See this is where things are different, he used to say things like "your my world i can't live without you" but now I just get "im doing great without you, your just a slag that nobody's ever going to want" then proceeds to sleep with all his ex's and friends and rubs it in my face. It scares me so much that these men have rights to innocent children. Im a grown ass woman and i cant cope, it has mentally ruined me, imagine what it would do to our children.

@PinkyX

I feel for you. It is hell.

I had 5 different SW in 3 years, each one needed several months to work out what was going on . He is so charming at first.

We ended up on PLO, they were considering care proceedings as I struggled to keep him away from us. This was the point at which he began denying the rape, after years of admitting them on record.

As a result he and I were subject to psychiatric assessments, and parenting assessments, with the whole family having psychological assessments, DC included.

Despite both the qualified Psychiatrist and psychologist stating that he was high risk, manipulative and shouldn't have unsupervised contact. There being evidence of the rape admissions and in my medical records. The parenting assessor who was supposed to make the final decision, decided that he was the victim and I was the narcissistic abuser. She said he needed to protect himself from me and that I had only attended 2.5 years of therapy to manipulate them (long before PLO).

That report made me suicidal. Seriously. It is so vile I can barely read it. But any time I feel him trying to manipulate me, I get it out and remind myself EXACTLY who he is and what he put his children through.

I was lucky that my SW saw him so PLO was dropped once I decided to follow the psychiatrist advice. It didn't stop the new SW pressuring me for 6m to allow contact. That stopped when I told then I would report them to the court as acting as his agent against the non nol order I had in place. I then withdrew my family from the CIN and as there is NO CHANCE he will ever be back near me, they closed the case.

I guess what I am saying is, it is hard. So hard. It broke me. But I needed that psychiatric report and tbh, I needed that parenting assessment for different reasons.

X

@chickenyhead God you've been through so much xx I just want to hug you..you've been hugely let down. How on earth could he manipulate the situation to look like the victim when there was all this evidence. Was the assessor in love with him or something?? How old is your child now xxx

@chickenyhead will his contact ever progress pass supervision in the community? I'm very dubious about supervised contact because they can behave when they need to..

The whole family court system just bloody p*sses me off so much. Victims are the ones who have to fight tooth and nail to prove that they are telling the truth and these men pose real safeguarding risks to their children.. Any man who can abuse the mother of their child in front of their child is abusing them. Full stop. What's going through a child mind when they see daddy beating mummy up to a pulp.. They think that's acceptable behaviour because that's my dad's and he's there to show me right from wrong.. How can that be anything else but damaging. My ex comes from a long line of abusers, his dad and his grandad all hit their wives.. My exes dad repeatedly raped his mum and gave her two huge black eyes and a fat lip for trying to stop him.. And my ex was equally violent to me.. The courts can break the cycle of abuse. If our daughter ended up like him..my life would be over. Everything I've tried and worked so hard for to keep her away from him it'll all be in vain and for nothing. The courts say they allow contact if it's in the best interests of the child.. How on earth is it in the best interests of a child to allow contact with a violent father or a rapist father.. I'm genuinely dumbfounded.

@Pebbledashery

I honestly think that she took an instant dislike to me. Right from the beginning she was judgy. I was redecorating and had 2 rooms worth in 1 room. You could see that the carpet was up and the room was empty and smelled of paint.

She decided that I was a hoarder. I can sort of laugh now, except it is still sitting there on that file. Waiting for me. I need to sort that.

@Pebbledashery

Thank you for cyber hugs.

She hated me on sight. I don't know whether she liked him, but she judged me from minute 1 of the 5 hours she spent with us.

The only way he will get unsupervised contact is once they are all old enough, or he takes me to court.

He sees DD15 unsupervised, because she is highly independent and eye rolling if he tries to manipulate her.

DS11 and DD7 (resulted from rape) need supervising for years. One of his many forms of abuse was to have such bad diabetes control that he put them at significant risk.

I wouldn't trust him with a snail tbh.

@chickenyhead i guess as painful as it is.. And you shouldn't have to put up with anything.. But at the very least.. He can't have them overnight.. He probably doesn't even want them overnight anyway as its probably far too much effort. It's quite sad how children are just part of the game.
Lol calling you a hoarder. What a stupid woman. Was this an independent social worker from the local authority or was it from cafcass? How could the social worker disagree with that damming verdict in the psychological report.. Its like she wants to place your children at risk..

This is why I am not going back to court to fight the non-mol staying in place, I can’t even bring my self to read his statement, it takes me right back there. The whole point was to free myself of his presence in my head, if I can be free of that I won’t find myself back in a situation where he can be physically abusive too.
I have been told by SS that as I have shown myself to be ‘acting protectively’ they are happy for me to continue to manage the situation... aaaaahhhhh! Without someone else’s support I don’t see that I have a leg to stand on. I literally spend the time he sees them trying not to think, and just hoping they arrive back alive.

Sorry i have no idea why that has posted so many times
@chickenyhead that's exactly how I felt reading my CP plan it just basically says how mentally unstable I am (I WONDER WHY?!) I failed to protect the children and completely ripped into me and then states that he is a good father and barely even mentions what he had done to me. I left the first meeting and I just felt even more like it was my fault, that the kids were better without me. I am so so sorry for what he had done to you, us who have been abused would never for a second doubt or blame, it makes me so sad that there are so many out there.
@Pebbledashery I completely agree, it is in no way in the best interests of any child to be around a person capable of it. All we can do is show them so much love and do our best to educate them to break the cycle because the courts and SS haven't a clue. I dont think anyone truly does unless they have been the victim.

NO!

About 12 years after leaving my x though, I had I now realise projected on to him. I was content, secure, my self-esteem was ten times healthier, I understood the wounds that had led me in to a relationship with my x but I was happy, and secure and life was good. I had without communicating with my x, ASSUMED he had some growth, some healing. But no. He wrote a letter to our teenager and in it he blamed me for all his problems and called me twisted. I haven't seen him for years. Unbelievable. Just no insights at all.

NO!

About 12 years after leaving my x though, I had I now realise projected on to him. I was content, secure, my self-esteem was ten times healthier, I understood the wounds that had led me in to a relationship with my x but I was happy, and secure and life was good. I had without communicating with my x, ASSUMED he had some growth, some healing. But no. He wrote a letter to our teenager and in it he blamed me for all his problems and called me twisted. I haven't seen him for years. Unbelievable. Just no insights at all.

@Pebbledashery

An independent. The local authority had seen me and the kids every week for 8 months she was like one of the family.

I tried to complain, but they closed ranks and I don't have the fight.

He wouldn't take me to court. He doesn't want the kids. He wants to be back living off of me.