Did your abuser ever say sorry?

[Pebbledashery]

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

The onus is on us to show they are in fact the abusers and are lying through their teeth. I think their sheer arrogance is just compelling. To cause so much devastation then outright deny every single thing. Their reality is so warped.

@Pebbledashery the courts didn't believe me. I had to force DC to contact kicking and screaming, for years. He's out of DDs life but DS still has to attend ... although he is messing him about a lot recently and DS is getting fed up.

Yeah, after 12 years of abuse and violent rape, only one of us looked sane and calm. It wasn't me, who had 3 kids to solely support whilst working full time.

The onus is on society to wake up to the true nature of domestic abuse and stop victim blaming and abuse doubting

I know exactly what you mean.. Because that's one thing I am so scared of. The multitude of evidence I have.. They can still try and pick holes in absolutely everything I say and doubt me.

The sad thing is where social services are involved were expected to protect our children from abuse, we can even have our children removed for not protecting them! But all it takes is for the abusive Ex to say the right things in court, make us look crazy and get contact to the children. Abusers do not change so the abuse will carry on to their next partner who is around our children and we wont be able to protect what we can't see and its heartbreaking because WE KNOW its happening

@Pebbledashery I envy how strong you are going through it all

Yes but only to make me stay longer and think I was going crazy/being unreasonable. Just so they could abuse me again. It's part of the cycle of abuse.

@PinkyX you're completely right. Our children have been through enough.. My solicitor seems to think covid will work in my favour and no interim contact will be granted as no contact centres are open. Xx

@Pebbledashery

The community supervision is still working. My DC still see my ex supervised. Be prepared.

What's community supervision.. I think from what I got from my conversation with my solicitor there's too many safeguarding risks for interim contact.

@Pebbledashery

That's good.

My ex raped me and emotionally abused them.

He was allowed supervised contact in the community. Basically a person who follows them everywhere.

No.
Firstly my narc mother who still refuses to admit she was an abusive arsehole to me, or the longer term effects. I've not actively spoken to her in 2 decades bar one time when she declined to tell me my dgran died and withheld that info from October to December, meaning I was excluded from the funeral. In fact, she's that fucked up that she told lots of people I had died, who then got a shock when I popped up on Facebook. She never ever will admit anything and I think I've got used to it now.
Then there is my ex-fiancee who was disgustingly abusive to me, indirectly I blame my narc mother for my ending up with him as I left home and immediately got taken on by his rubbish and feel he saw me coming. He was very violent, including pushing me down a flight of stairs as his shirt wasn't ready for him at the time he demanded it, threw a microwave at me that went through a window and variously used to knock my head off walls, doorframes and furniture.
He has the support of his mother though who always always blamed me and has gone on to blame his partners since, even one who had such a terrible time they killed themselves. I'm in touch with his sister who left as early as she could as he was abusive to her too and their mother never ever admits what a abusive violent twat he is.

Social services are allowing him to have the children providing he is not in the family home with me. But he's OK to be living with another woman looking after the children? I think great so the abuse is my fault then, I wound him up soooo much he gave me internal bleeding infront of the children. It honestly makes no sense. So now children are going to end up witnessing domestic abuse, in an environment they don't know and have nobody there to protect them. So wish I was strong enough to have just gone through court without getting the case dropped - biggest mistake of my life if you don't mind me asking how did you manage to get supervised contact from the courts and is there a set amount of time on that?

@chickenyhead that's so awful I'm so sorry. What contact does he have now x

Oh wow sorry @chickenyhead just seen your pp. Im so sorry that hes done that to you, its heartbreaking

He pays for 4 hours of supervised contact every second Sunday.

@PinkyX oh I am so sorry I thought you went through the Courts! :( you still could?? he is a HUGE safeguarding risk for your children!

@PinkyX I think the Courts agree how much supervised time they have whether its an hour, 2 or 4 but as far as I am aware, the perpetrator has to pay for the contact centre and for the independent SW to write up the reports each time which are quite costly

@MillieVanilla both your mother and ex fiance are HORRIFIC people :( :( did you have children with your ex?
It makes me so sad when I hear of abusive mothers :( all abuse is wrong, but I could never in a million years abuse a child!

Not family Court, he had charges for battery and abh towards me but i convinced them not to go through with it, retracted my statement and refused to co operate because i just knew he would hold it against me forever and would make it worse. I dont even know where to start with family court!

My ex DH contacted me through Friends Reunited (remember that?) after being separated & divorced for about 5 years- with no contact. It took me many years to admit to myself the abuse-sexual mental & emotional and attach a name to it. He’d apparently been seeing a counsellor who advised him to apologise. But it was still all about him. Making him feel better. I never replied. Now its been many years since we separated and I have since gone onto remarry & have children with my second DH. I’m sure in his mind he’d done the right thing, very contrite but it was hollow empty words that just relieved him of his guilt. I never wanted an apology- I wanted not to be abused in the first place.

@PinkyX you could still get this b*stard out your life if it's what you want and in the best interest of your child, he seems to be very unhinged to batter you in front of your son and no regard for his safety at all :( You should speak to another SW.. I was very lucky with the SW I had - she was completely on my side and utterly disgusted with my ex partner.. you have evidence that he is violent and has no regard for your child.. I would definitely pursue it.. does he have your son overnight? x

@MissMarianHalcombe oh my goodness friends reunited that's a blast from the past!! you did the right thing by not replying!! it's just a pity party at the end of the day, there's no genuine remorse or admission of guilt or ownership of responsibility.. none of their words ring true.. after I left my ex, I got a barrage of pity party messages to my work email (knowing I wasn't at work because I was on furlough) he text, called, got friends to text me, it was awful, I changed my number several times and got a NMO served to him.. that was the last time I heard from him - but then I since learnt that he tried to get me arrested for a fake assault that never happened... funny how they just turn!

[quote Pebbledashery]@MillieVanilla both your mother and ex fiance are HORRIFIC people :( :( did you have children with your ex?
It makes me so sad when I hear of abusive mothers :( all abuse is wrong, but I could never in a million years abuse a child![/quote]
No luckily for me, both DCs are my lovely DHs who helped me get away from the abusive twat and my mum.
I'm now part of his wonderful family, have been for 20 years (longer than I was actually with my mum).
I'm very lucky to not have connections to the ex though, I was pregnant at one point but I think the stress of the abuse and the fact I was not looking after myself properly caused a miscarriage. I had no idea I was pregnant,I collapsed whilst with friends who took me to hospital and they told me. I never actually told him just said I fainted due to my anaemia. I just thought he would have something else to batter me over.

No. He did tell me that he's been a "stronger and better person" since I left him. I'll just take his word for it We didn't have children when we split