Did your abuser ever say sorry?

[Pebbledashery]

Did your abuser ever admit s/he abused you and say sorry?
If he took you to Court for contact with children did s/he show remorse?
My ex is taking me to the Family Court but has so far not accepted one modicum of responsibility for his actions. Be interested to see how common it is for abusers to then say they were the victim.

@diggadoo Ooof. That's horrible.

@catsareme14 It really is.. I wonder what they see when they look in the mirror! because they are not decent and honest men..
This is the time I am grateful I am single - it's more time I am allowing myself to potentially not enter another abusive relationship.. that's what scares me the most ... it's not so much he's put me off men, he's put me off relationships altogether.. I KNOW there are some good men out there - but the fear of being abused again just puts me off completely, all I literally want to do now is be a mummy and work and provide.
Did you have kids with him? Does he see them?x

It's incredible really. I do know though, there's no point expending energy trying to get them to realise. Because it's energy down the drain

They always seem to work on a logic of some sort, it's just not the same logic that everybody else uses. After all of it, and having recovered and moved on and sorted out a really nice life for myself, the feeling that I'm left with is that it's just amazing that a human mind can work in such a twisted way. Just 'wow, what a fuck up!'

I'm not even sad about it anymore. I hope that she isn't doing the same thing to someone else now, and the whole thing contained some life changing lessons for me. I'm sort of even grateful. But, just, wow.

@Eckhart I know what you're saying.. Its just the sheer disbelief that people like this exist..
One of the last things I said to my ex was.. "you've destroyed me" he said to me... "you've destroyed yourself" like I deserved to be stonewalled for up to 4 weeks a time, I deserved a punch in the face, I deserved to be gaslighted into thinking I had a personality disorder.. Its beyond belief. Its sheer arrogance. The chances are your ex is or will be in another abusive relationship because these people don't ever change and they can't hold onto loving and normal relationships. Normal is abnormal to them x

@Pebbledashery . No thank god . Second , late marriage . Sometimes I think about how horrific it all was . He was the most dangerous person I've ever met . In one incident he literally left me to die . No thought for my grown up children at all . He wanted to save the cost of a divorce . I will never fully recover from the horror of knowing how little my life meant . I too avoid all relationships. It's sad but I'm too damaged to risk being hurt again . I did divorce & came out with a large settlement . I'm pretty happy in general but my soul , my sense of self was mortally wounded . I practice self care every day & thank my lucky stars I got out of a nightmare . By the way , everyone thought my ex was a saint . Keep going !!!!!!!

@catsareme14 what a horrific subhuman...god, you must feel grateful to be alive every single day. Awful awful awful person. That's no man. I'm glad you had some peace and got what you deserved financially. Its no compensation for what you've suffered. These abusers change our lives forever. I hope he dies soon!

@Pebbledashery . I believe in karma . Xx His time will come.

@catsareme14 oh yes.. I'm a huuuuuuge believer in karma.. Do you know what makes me laugh.. My ex, I don't think he had any intentions of letting things get this far.. Us fleeing, social services ceasing contact, child protection involved.... When he realised the severity of the situation.. He absolutely BEGGED me to come back.. Then I ignored everything and he tried to commit suicide. He's done an incredibly good job himself of showing how unhinged he is.
But for your ex... His time will come. 100%, I do hope you're OK and this hasn't defined you or affected your day to day life. Because you deserve happiness. Xx

@Pebbledashery lol! Nope!
The narcissistic wanker dragged me through court for visitation, protesting his innocence all the way, for 6 years, until the last hearing when he was so ragefull that he shouted abuse at the magistrate, the solicitors, his barrister, the carcass officer, stormed out of the court, caused it to go into lockdown because of how threatening he had been and ended up being told he could only have indirect contact 2 times per year. He also threatened to go to the court of human rights because he felt so hard done by by the court! Haven't heard anything for the best part of 5 years now!
Best of luck to you OP, but don't expect anything resembling admittance of his part...

@MamaMoonbeam my god what an utter piece of work!!!!! But a bitter-sweet result for you..you must have secretly been thrilled. I would have been.
Is it OK to ask you why it took 6 years?, was he seeing the children in that time xx

@MamaMoonbeam also as well.. The fact he's accusing me of being the violent abuser says it all.. I literally wouldn't say boo to a goose!

@ Pebbledashery . I won't let it define me . Positive thoughts to all on this thread xx

Mine was emotionally and physically abusive, in the end he put me in hospital with internal bleeding after beating me infront of my young children. He has never apologised, it has always been my fault, ive either "made it up and it never happened" or "ive twisted it". I would be on the floor in tears and he would just mock my crying and laugh at me. He would constantly cheat on me and i couldnt say anything about it or he would start or he cheat even more to upset me, but I would be called a slag daily and nobody will ever want someone like me. Even to this day he still blames me and "my behaviour". He also likes to blame my mental health and "if I had just kept my big mouth shut we wouldn't be a broken family". I will never ever understand what goes through there heads but I wish i could just to try and get closure

Hah! No apology here either. And they’re all dead now so I’ll never get one.

2 abusers, neither said sorry, both think I'm at fault and brought it on myself.

Unsurprisingly no apology, to do so would admit what he did was wrong and that would never ever happen in his world.

@PinkyX I'm so so sorry. Heartbroken reading that. I bet you're such a lovely person also 😢. What an utter, utter bastard. Deserves prison and then to die in prison. I hope you have in some way managed to get past this..
Please tell me this maniac doesn't see your kids xxxxxx

@jellykat you're very right. No apology in this world or the next.. Apologising is an expression of guilt and accepting responsibility. Two things they will never do.

Yes it only because it was desperate and felt sorry for himself. He went on the abuse the next one too.

How do you all cope when you are accussed of being the abuser?

@OhioOhioOhio honestly? I laugh. Because I know I have a multitude of evidence to show he is the abuser. But I haven't yet been to Court and had his solicitor or barrister try and rip shreds out of me. We had a contested hearing for the non molestation order some months back and his barrister was utterly vile and made out I had temper issues and her client was scared of me 🙄... The judge was very terse in his response and said well Miss xxxx as you and your client have come unprepared and dialled in 15 minutes late to this hearing we will have to adjourn. I was smiling to myself 😊.

Once, I found a message he sent when we had just moved back in saying he was sorry he hadn’t meant to push me to the floor like that, I think that’s the only time.

@Pebbledashery thanks so much for the kind words. Unfortunately the maniac does see the children but I make up every excuse for them not to go (using the lockdown now as the excuse) if I don't then he just turns up and things turn bad quickly, I'm also pregnant so really nervous about him just showing up and trying to keep my distance as much as possible. And im getting there slowly thankyou, i feel a lot of guilt for not realising what he was doing sooner and how much it impacted my children - he honestly made me believe that I would ruin them if I was to parent alone. But by doing it alone I have learnt that I am doing a million times better as a mum and both me and the children are happy and not on eggshells anymore. My family and friends all really supportive and alot of positive help from professionals and police to. I still love him though, ive been told that I am trauma bonded though so still working on that.

How did you overcome abuse? Does it still have a massive impact on you or completely change you as a person even after it had ended? X

@PinkyX just from how you write I can tell you're lovely. Did he take you to Court for access? I would absolutely be doing the same as you if my ex has contact. Its very hard as a mother to physically take your child to see their abusive father.. I also suffer with the guilt too.. So you're not alone. My exes mum and I are very close she absolutely hates him.. Because he abuses everyone in his life.. She is very terse and straight and said I allowed DD to be abused by staying :( which cut me up a bit.. Its so hard leaving an abusive relationship.. As someone whose never been in one.. Prior to this experience I'd be saying to someone in my position. Just leave them! Not actually realising how hard it is.. The day Social services got involved and helped me flee is the day mine and my daughters lives were saved.. If I had remained in that relationship.. My daughter would've been removed from my care for failing to safeguard her and I would've killed myself or he would've killed me.. Its a cliché.. But it's definitely made me stronger.. I feel like I can overcome anything now.. I still have down days, but not because I miss him or still love him.. I'm annoyed at myself for being so stupid. I consider myself to be a good person, I'm educated and I have a good job and I fell for his lies and accustomed myself to believing abuse was normal and this was normality for me... What I will say to you is that it does get better.. You've taken steps to leave him because you knew your life wasn't how you wanted to be.. Irrespective of if you love him.. That's a huge step.. Breaking away...and without sounding at all patronising that's the bravest and hardest step. You deserve a life of happiness...not abuse.
Are you pregnant with his child? I hope you're taking care of yourself. You've been through so much xx

All my ex Does is say sorry lol
At the non mol hearing, he was apologising and the judge was like ' I bet she understands and accepts your apology' I said ' Hell No I don't!!! That is all part of his abuse and the Stalin oh and harassment. To continue to guilt me at which point he then starts crying.

10 months he hasn't seen his ds, from the moment the non mol was granted he stop paying CMS - bounced all the DD. He hasn't asked about him, only emailed about some clothes of his.

But he's still got his JOB lol

So hearing sorry doesn't make a sweet bit of difference. I have heaps of evidence and he's still a officer. Actually tried to keep a £1500 refund the other week that was sent to him in error and the police said he was sorry but didn't realise it wasn't his. The 3 emails he got telling him it was mind lol didn't mean anything.

I'm just grateful to a degree that he has left ds alone because he's just an nasty selfish person.